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I broke up with him, but still crave his company...


cloudbusting

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I broke up with my boyfriend of five months yesterday. I still love him, value him, admire him, and enjoy his company, but at the same time could no longer tolerate the emotional turmoil of his bipolar disorder, and so, in a moment of clarity, told him we needed to break up. The problem is we live together. He moved into my apartment in August after I posted a listing on Craigslist for a roommate. Instant attraction, and we were sleeping together within a week.

 

So here we are. And even though I broke up with him for all the right reasons, and no part of me thinks I made the wrong decision, I want to be with him so badly. He is in his room right now with the door closed, and I'm so sad. I still crave his company and his attention. I know its unfair of me. I just dumped him, and its totally reasonable for him to need time away from me. We need to establish new boundaries, and we can't spend all our time together. I know, but god, he smells so good, and he feels so wonderful. He came out of his room and sat on the couch with me for about a half hour this evening. We didn't really talk, just watched Mythbusters, and it was a little awkward. And I just wanted to lean over bury myself in him and cry in his chest and tell him that he is loved. But I stayed on my cushion, he stayed on his. We shared a cordial pizza, and without saying much other than please and thank you, he returned to his room.

 

I don't really even have a question. I just needed to say it. I've been so sad, even though relieved to have made the leap, and since I can't tell him how much I love him, I can tell you. Every time he walks through the living room, I want to tell him I love him. He cuddles our dog and I start to cry. He loves her so much, and he loves me, and it breaks my heart that he is in pain. He knows as well as I that it was the right decision. He even said he was proud of me for taking care of myself and standing up for my own needs. He knows he isn't in a healthy enough space for a relationship right now. In the midst of our breakup conversation he said that the worst part of the whole thing is the infallible logic of it, the necessity of our breakup. We can't argue around it. We can't be together, and that just sucks, but it is the way it is. Maybe one day, but not now.

 

So that's it. I love him. I want him to be happy. I know I shouldn't wish he'd come spend time with me. I know that he'll need his space for some time to come. And I know its the best that he stays away, as I apparently still yearn to be with him. I'll stay in my room and he'll stay in his, and I'll learn to let him go.

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Thanks. He knows I love him. I told him so when I told him we needed to break up. It wasn't from lack of love at all. I just couldn't handle his bipolar swings. Even though I knew that his freak-outs weren't about me, I was still the one who had to bare the brunt of them, and I didn't deserve to be treated like that. It was a huge strain on him as well as me, because it killed him that he hurt me. I do believe that he still loves me. If he were healthy, we would be great together. Boo.

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I feel for you cloudbusting. Although my situation is easier than yours (we're long distance so don't have the pain of having him just a door away), I also had to break up with my bf for infallible reasons and I miss him terribly.

 

Is he getting help or treatment for his bipolar? If he is, maybe there's still a chance for you guys when he improves.

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Thanks Lily. Yes, he is on multiple medications and meets with a bipolar support group. But I really wish he would see a regular therapist and get regular exercise. I feel like this would make a huge difference. He had been a lifelong athlete, and then gave it all up in favor of academe, and I think that if he were to get back into his body, he would feel a lot better. But alas, it is his own road to walk, and I can't get him there.

 

I'm sorry about your breakup. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

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He just came out and hung out with me for about 15 minutes. That was good. Sigh. Its going to be a long road ahead. But its good that it is full of love rather than anger. This would be so much harder with resentment and antipathy. What a strange breakup.

 

Love love love. I want to yell it through his door "Know that you are loved!"

 

But I cannot. We aren't together. As Annie Lennox put it "No more I love you's. The language is leaving me. No more I love you's. Changes are shifting outside the words."

 

Again, I don't really have questions. I just need to share. I'm here with an empty room, staring at his door, and I need to be able to say how I feel without intruding upon his solitude. Thanks for reading and thanks for responding.

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