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Insecurities vs Reality, how to proceed? (long)


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Hi all,


I've been in a relationship with my gf for 6 months. Right now its holding together by a thread. I need outside opinions here, because right now, I can't seem to think straight.


Everything started off amazing, right from the first time we met in person( in August, but met via the internet years before ). I seriously have never been so overwhelmed by someone. I could finally understand people who have said they knew they had found there soulmate. And it seemed mutual, and as crazy as it sounds...it felt different than just blind lust.


To cut to the chase, I started getting uneasy about her come December.


I had started to notice that she's very secretive/weird about her phone and texts. One night in particular was too much for me. We were hanging out at my house, and it seemed really bad. Deer in headlights look, stumbling over words, forgetting things I just told her. I "felt" like something was up. I got weird, couldn't help it anymore. I made a point to catch her mid text, and it was a guy, whom I had never heard about before, talking about hanging out. Of course I said something, which led to a big fight. ( I told her about my insecurity/trust issues, but never pressed much about the guy anymore. It was a big fight, she put her wall up, and I was trying to make amends. If I could go back in time, I would have pressed the issue more )


As much as I try not to, ever since that time I find myself trying to see who shes texting now. And I'm pretty sure she knows it. I've noticed for some text's she still tries to distract or get away from me, and the cycle gets worse...


She's also very emotionally unavailable. At least according to the definitions I've read. At first I dismissed it to the newness of us, but times gone by and it started to bother me.

-I have to initiate 99% of everything, from dates, hugs, kisses, hand holding, sex. Etc. ( She will more often than not follow my lead however )

-She hasn't called me once in half a year, unless I've asked her to do so. Never just because she wanted to. ( I even told her this in one of our last fights. I'm still waiting for that call.. ). She will text me though, or talk via chat.

-Shes just generally not open. Things you'd expect to share with your SO...just little everyday things. Its like if I want to know something, I have to ask.


I've told her she has walls up, and she agreed. We've worked through it some, and it does seem to improve, albeit very slowly.


I do tend to lavish attention on her when were together...hugs, pecks, stuff like that. ( If I don't, she sure won't do it ) Sometimes though, its like she doesn't notice or acknowledge it. And thats caused some fights...


Basically, I like her a lot, and the relationship is generally good. But this stuff has me feeling very uneasy much of the time. Do I trust her? I'm not sure, I have nagging doubts. I want to though. Am I wrong? The best way I can say it is... I have a gut feeling. I don't think shes cheating on me, I know she cares for me, but I do feel like she isn't 100% sold on me, and is maybe keeping her options open.


Now where things get extra ugly:


With things like that phone issue, or her not responding to my advances... I let this stuff build up, and then at some point it all bursts out in a fight/argument. And I know every time its taken her off guard. I feel bad about it. Shes been extremely patient about it, and we sort of work through it. But like shes told me, I keep on blind siding her.


January was really really bad. Lots of this went on. I even mentioned breaking up. But we agreed to work things out, and in February, things had been going really good! No fights. And I've definitely noticed a lot more from her in terms of affection when were together.


But this past week however, I started getting funny feelings again. I think I know her habits well enough. And I got a vibe like she was trying to avoid me...of course my mind played out scenarios. "She must be trying to hangout with a guy..". So I clung, mostly because I felt the need to play detective.


We ended up hanging out, and this is what sucks... but we had some really good times! Thursday night was probably the most I've ever felt comfy with her. Then yesterday, I blew it maybe. I let my mind run amok, and everything built up inside. Did it again. Got into a huge spat with her. Probably the worst one yet. Took her by surprise again...


I was about to break up with her, but she said she didn't want to. And deep down I don't want to either. But I feel like our issues are going to slowly make us hate each other. And I don't want that. If going back to just friends is how we make it work, I'll take it.


Everything feels awful right now.



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Try to have some compassion for her. She may have serious trust issues due to her past or childhood. I have dates several EU (emotionally unavailable) women..and the worst thing you can do is pressure them. If you really care for her, work on communication and patience.

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Thanks for the reply. I'm still hoping for more opinions, if anyones up to it.


( BTW, I think I had seen your name/avatar on a recent thread while I was researching EU girlfriends. )


Anyways, yesterday was awful. Finally talked to her online at night, after a very long day apart. She seemed friendly and attentive. We had some silly, but superficial convo. Which is somewhat the norm for us. It was nice, and sort of put me at ease.


But I still feel uneasy about last week. I don't know how to really bring this up. I like her, and I really don't want to screw this up. But my gut keeps telling me something is out of place. She really flipped on me when I brought up the phone thing when we fought the other day, telling me it was my own issue, and that I need to work on myself.


And part of me thinks it is, the other part says I have some legitimate reason to be this way.

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