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He's attracted to me. I WAS attracted to him. Confused now. Advice appreciated.


Aeryn

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I hope I'm putting this in the right section. If not, could a mod move it to wherever you think it would be appropriate? Thank you.

 

Basically, I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks. We were talking as friends and just having fun with each other (joking around and stuff), which I really enjoyed - and I will admit that I developed a slight crush on him from that interaction.

 

The past few days we have somehow gotten to talking on a bit of a deeper level. He opened up to me to talk about an issue, and it just went from there. Somehow it came up and he asked me if I liked him. I told him, "Well yes, from what I know of you, I do like you. I think you're an awesome guy." After that, these past few days have just been kind of . . . weird? He isn't the same guy, it seems.

 

After that, he is constantly wanting to talk to me. It's a never-ending thing. And a lot of the time he doesn't even have anything to talk about; for instance, on MSN, he's like, "So is there anything you want to talk about? Come up with something." - It's like he's forcing it, and I cannot come up with something to talk about with someone when they want to talk all the time.

 

He has also gotten a bit more . . . clingy? He is constantly complimenting me. Don't get me wrong, I love being complimented, but not to the extreme that he has done it these past few days. Last night when we were talking, I decided to take a count . . . and he called me "beautiful" 15 times in less than an hour. A bit too much for me, personally.

 

The real problem here though I don't think he knows what he wants. He told me that he wants a girlfriend. I asked him why. He said because he has only had one girlfriend before, and it only lasted two weeks - and he just wants someone to love, hold, and be there for. I tried telling him that a relationship doesn't guarantee any of that, and that they are a lot of hard work at times - they aren't always feelings of being on top of Cloud 9. He was just like, "I know. But I just want someone to love, it doesn't matter." Also, I want to add that he is 22, and still a virgin - so he talks about sexual stuff quite a bit because he has never actually experienced being with a woman (that's what he said).

 

I just feel, after these past few days of talking, that he and I are probably on different levels. I'm almost 21; I've had several relationships, several broken hearts, have gone on many dates, etc. He is 22, has had one girlfriend that lasted two weeks, has never dated, never experienced 'romance' or any of that. Not that there is a problem with that . . . but I would hate to be his "first love" or something, and then it end on bad terms because he and I are looking for something totally different.

 

I don't need a relationship, I am 100% happy being on my own and single - but I am willing to take something if someone special comes along. He admitted that he wants a girlfriend - he feels he needs one to feel a void in his life. Basically, I feel as if he will start a relationship with anybody who will take him on . . . I refuse to do that. I've done it in the past, and from now on I want something with a person I actually feel something for, and who feels the same for me. None of the bull * * * * .

 

 

Honestly, I don't know what to do here. He is a great guy, and I don't want to hurt him. I do like him a lot - but he just doesn't have the experience, and I feel I need to be with someone who has that experience and knows what he's getting himself into, you know? This guy told me this morning that each day he talks to me, he falls for me even more, and he would love to have me as a girlfriend . . . I don't know what to say to that. I've tried being friendly and telling him to date a bit, see how things go . . . but he's stuck on me, and I feel for all the wrong reasons.

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My advice to you is to cut him loose. The more you are nice to him, the more it will encourage him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You can cut him loose in a nice way. When he interacts with you, does he actually try to get to know you? Or is it just random conversation? Do you get the feeling he likes the "idea" of you, more than you the actual person? As you say, he'd get with anything given half the chance, so yeah I'd say "see ya!"

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Thank you for the quick reply!

 

A few weeks ago I felt as if he was interested in getting to know ME. But these past few days, I have honestly felt like he was just interested in the idea of me. He isn't really trying to get to know me.

 

I would say roughly 97% of his conversation these past few days has been stuff along the lines of, "If I were your boyfriend..." "I promise to never hurt any girl I'm with" "I just want to love and be loved, and live a happy life that way"

 

I love a guy who wants all of that and feels that way . . . but I feel he is just going too extreme here. He's too needy? We aren't even dating and I feel as if he is invading my space and not giving me a decent amount of 'freedom' and whatnot.

 

It's probably best to cut him loose. But I do have to see him around campus and stuff too, and I don't want to come off as a b!tch for ditching him and not being a friend, you know?

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Not to be mean, but he seems more suited to like 17 year old girls. You know what you want and he seems very "all over the place" and he won't be able to give you what you need. You will end up kinda being his mother in this relationship because he's so new to this. He needs to experiment a bit with maybe a few younger girls that are more to his maturity level. And you won't be a b! Your just sky-rockets above his maturity level you can't help that!

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Yea sounds like there is a maturity gap here. There is no reason to cut contact with him though. Just make it clear that you would like to be friends, and tell him why as well, so he can work on himself. Say to him very straightforwardly, "I don't think you are ready for a relationship yet...but that doesn't mean you aren't a cool guy, or that there is something wrong with you. We're just on different levels...." Or something to that effect. But make sure he knows what is happening, that is just the right thing to do.

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Yeah, I can definitely see that if you get together with this guy you will be bombarded with insecurity issues. I can just see it now; he would always be calling you, telling you he loves and misses you, ask you if you feel the same, ask you where you are, and on.

 

It's not worth it, I think.

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Seems like this guy has ZERO game, very insecure, very immature (as others have mentioned) and very needy. You need to cut him fast. I disagree with being his friend also. That would give him false hope of one day being a relationship. Even if you explain that your not into him like that and you two are just friends, guys are very persistent when a girl is still responding in any way towards them and judging by how immature he is, he will take any act of kindness toward him as a sign that you are into him. You need to cut him fast. When he starts talking to you thru text or messenger, give very short one word asnwers. "I think you are so amazing, your so grogeous" just respond with "thanks" or "okay". He will soon just back off or move on. If he doesn't get the hint after a week or so of that, you have a stalker on your hands. Good luck.

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Have you ever gotten into the cyclical argument of “they want to hire someone with more experience,…but how am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me?” I know one person that actually said this on a job interview and got the job. Everything is like that. He is going to have to have his first time with someone. Two things are important. The first would be that he is attracted to the other person genuinely. The second would be that he genuinely wants to make an attempt at a relationship. I think you are over thinking this based on his level of inexperience. You’re worried about being the first to break his heart. However, someone will have to be the first unless he gets very lucky. As long as you are not entering the relationship casually, expecting it to be temporary, or planning to hurt him, then I don’t see where there is a problem. You cannot control what will ultimately happen down the line.

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting that one is lonely and wants someone to love. After all, we all get into relationships of various kinds to meet our emotional as well as physical needs. I understand some of your concerns, but I would advise that you not dismiss him if he is someone you really like. I would advise taking it slow with him if you choose to pursue. If not, then you should consider cutting things off. There’s no real easy way to do that. But try not to insult his intelligence. Clearly he has the impression that you like him, and you gave him that impression. So you should acknowledge that fact, but let him know that after further consideration you think it’s best to remain friends. Otherwise you will break his heart and likely damage his confidence and self image. This would be unfair since up to this point you have given him the impression that you like him. Cut way back on the contact and interaction. You can be nice but not too nice as others have pointed out. If you are too nice he may think you are playing games and leading him on just to hurt him. My advice is to be delicate but firm.

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Well...I think the biggest issue here is that he really does not know what he wants.

 

The best thing that you could do for him is talk to him about what are telling us. It's a pretty good bet that he might say something along the lines of "I know you are right, but I just don't know what to say." He may not be "smooth" right now but there is that little glimmer that you were attracted to in the first place. If you can help him to bring that out and refine that part of him that he hasn't fully realized yet than there might be a girl who will thank you for it someday! A relationship with him probably isn't a good idea based on what you have said. But I still think that you have a great opportunity to help someone here. Being honest with him just like you have been honest with us is probably the best thing you can do.

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