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My Story - Lost post warning!


TSandullo

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Hi everyone.

 

I have posted on and off on the 'Reverse Psyc of the Rebound Rel' and other threads on this part of the forum as well as a thread called 'The Lunch' until I finally decided to post an entirely new thread with my story.

 

From time to time I will post here again to keep it alive.

 

I want to thank Bitebenot, Ms Darcy and others for all your help.

 

Here I go:

 

 

NOTE I refer to Ms Darcy a lot in this post as she was the one replying to me in the 'The Lunch' thread.

 

Throughout the entire forum, I have posted my story piece meal.

I think for the first time I post it here in its abbreviated entirety.

 

__________________________________________________ ______________________

 

We met in university over 2 years ago. She is my first love.

 

YEAR 1

 

I confessed my feelings 3 weeks as of knowing her and as the weeks passed I won her affection, she had fallen for me. We were a couple.

 

Kind of dangerous I know, getting together in less than two months and planning the rest of your lives together. However, we were both headed for the same goals in life and wanted to work towards it.

 

As time passed we had a passionate loving relationship.

 

Then I started to slowly ruin it and kill the attraction.

 

I began to be needy and clingy, and as she withdrew slightly, I became moreso of the unattractive.

 

After wanting some ‘space’ until our first year exams had passed, we had a ‘talk’

She had fallen out of love with me.

 

But (and this is something I thank and respect her for)….she wanted it to work again.

 

So she stuck by, waiting for her feelings to return.

 

The summer holidays went by and we continued dating, me trying to gain her emotional connection to me again more than ‘just friends’, she wanting the same. At times, I acted silly and pushed her away a bit. But like a soldier, she stuck by me.

 

YEAR 2

 

So, as the second year started we still dated. It was going well for many months, and her feelings for me once again developed as we approached the second year exams.

 

At that time she was developing feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Considering how we not ‘together’ per se, I feared losing her. I went hardcore LC.

 

The exams went passed. The summer rolled in. I initiated some contact to get some uni work done. We spoke about ‘us’, we both wanted to work on us. And so we continued dating. As the summer rolled pass, her feelings for me developed again. We were a couple again after a long time.

 

YEAR 3

 

This went well for months, but mid October last year she said her feelings for me went up and down (ie loverfriend- lover…). I gave her time. However, my panic mode neediness came in again. And approaching last Xmas, she said that her feelings towards me had changed and that the holidays (she was going abroad for two weeks) will help clear her mind.

 

At the end of those two weeks, I received an email from her saying she did not want to work on us anymore.

 

We met for the breakup talk and we were civil and ended it. I did not beg or plead.

I went hardcore LC again after that.

 

Until 5 weeks later, I decided I am to move on and leave her be. We had a chat, a friendly one, I told her I loved her, wish her a good life. I told her lets be friends.

 

She told me, she was seeing this guy, she still is attached to me and about how we might be together again.

 

I regret meeting her that day, because I do want her back. I let her be afterwards for weeks and went hardcore LC.

 

That was until the lunch invitation last week: I got a text about her reading through my poetry and letters of the past years and how it brought back good memories and if I want to meet for lunch.

 

That brings me to this thread.

 

So Ms Darcy, that is my story.

 

Me Loving, caring, affectionate guy, going gym now, active person, loves my girl very much. I love her daughter like my own. People may say that I should meet other girls and at times I do believe that they are right and that I am not very experienced with many women and being in relationships. However, I had a very good relationship with her.

Her Caring, affectionate girl, single mother, emotionally unstable at times, hardworking.

Sometimes depressed due to many things in her life. She is a loyal, committed girl, but I guess like all people, has her limits. I thank her for sticking by me when falling out of love with me, while many other women would have left.

 

Us Were a loving couple, wanted the same things in life, goal orientated, hardworking. I feel I killed the attraction by acting needy and annoying towards her at times. Twice it has killed my relationship with her. I Would love to be with her again. We never argued with each other, we never physically or verbally abused each other, never cheated on each other.

 

Him Mr rebound - The antithesis of me (expected), was hitting on her months before, she said how one day she was flirting with him (I wasn’t happy) but it was nothing. Shortly after our breakup, I think she started seeing him. I do not know the state of her ‘relationship’ with him now as we did not bring it up at lunch.

 

So, that is my story.

Since January I’ve hit the gym, got new gear, worked on myself, but unfortunately all the major areas in my life are crumbling and I need to sort them all out. Her leaving me was another blow to me. I am still on an emotional rollercoaster with up days and days I’m in the pits.

 

I would like for us to work out, but I know the fear we both have: She will fall out of love with me again. I honestly believe love is more than the first 5 months of the ‘feeling’ but I won’t use logic to convince her otherwise. I can honestly say my feelings for her now are different from what it was in the first 6 months of meeting her, but that does not mean I do not love her, but rather it has evolved. I guess not everyone can see eye to eye with me. For me, I want to win her back and keep her for life, regardless of how unrealistic it may sound.

Right now, I am keeping it LC, however as we study, work and do many other things together, that is the best I can do. Once exams are over, I’m going NC for good. For me…and hopefully for us.

 

So Ms Darcy. Thank you again. If there are any other questions you have, please do ask me. And any help would be equally great.

 

I appreciate the help you all give me. And thank you for reading the long post.

 

TS

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Hello.

 

This is a problem:

 

She told me, she was seeing this guy, she still is attached to me and about how we might be together again.

 

And part of why it's so bad is that you might not think it's relevant.

 

I think she's trying to keep you around in case her new life doesn't turn out to be what she expects. Her attitude is selfish and I'm sure she doesn't know this and is not doing it on purpose but it's unfair nonetheless.

 

It's not unrealistic that you can go back together, unfortunately it might not last because she seems ready to move on, she might not be able to do it fast and that's why she's using you emotionally; when there are doubts she sends you a message to make sure you won't go anywhere if she needs you again.

Eventually they become strong enough to leave forever, and we are left alone watching and hearing how marvelous everything in their lives is.

 

You should do NC and be prepared for the worse, don't agree to meet until she's no longer seeing any other guy and clearly says she wants to go back with you.

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Oh, wow. She's put you through an emotional roller coaster. Friend. Lover. Friend. Lover. In one of the other forums, a question was posed: How many times are you going to let her reject you?

 

Yes, you love her. She may, ultimately, figure out that she loves you, too. But until she figures it out for real, you're going to be put through the ringer again and again and again.

 

My advice isn't worth two cents, but here it is anyway. You have two clear choices:

 

1. Decide to be her "friend" and get your heart ripped out. Now, this may seem like self-torture, and it is, but I've read about it working on this very forum once before. When her rebound relationship was over, they were back together, stronger than ever, because he choked back every bad emotion and just basked in her company whenever he could, kept it friendly, never told her he still loved her. So, finally, she ended his torture and they got back together. (I'm going to have to find that post and bump it up, if I can.) She's obviously very independent and has no idea what deep, passionate love is...the "can't live without you" kind. Perhaps it will grow into that. You have to practice a great deal of self-control, if this is the route you go.

 

2. Go NC to avoid torture and, hopefully, one day, she'll realize that she loves you and make a serious attempt at making it work.

 

That's it. Two choices. LC doesn't really seem like a good one because you either get too much or too little contact. You're in limbo, relationship purgatory.

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hi Autumnborn and Cuppedia.

 

Thank you both for your valuable input.

 

I really appreciate it.

 

One thing I forgot to mention was that following our breakup in Jan, we did not contact one another via phone, txt, email or anything else unless it was work related. That was until I broke the silence when I approached her for a chat about relationships etc.

That day I had given up all hope of reconciliation again, in fact, and I must admit, I went to her to suggest a FWB approach for the fun of it all. It was bad.

 

Perhaps, deep down inside, I hoped that bonding physically again might bring us together. She rejected that politely, I later discovered as she was busy with work as well as the fact she was seeing someone else (once she is 'with' someone, she is loyal to the 'end'...).

 

So, a flaw on my side for suggesting that. Another bad thing I did was that if she ever wants to have 'fun' (FWB) just give me a shout. BAD BAD BAD!

 

I asked her straight up, in a friendly manner if she was seeing anyone. She was open and honest with me. We had a friendly chat.

 

After that afternoon and as the days went passed, I realised i do want her back, and not simply because she is currently unavailable.

 

Ever since it was back to strict LC. My only fear is that I have not projected myself as completely available at her whim. That would be disastrous.

 

I think she's trying to keep you around in case her new life doesn't turn out to be what she expects. Her attitude is selfish and I'm sure she doesn't know this and is not doing it on purpose but it's unfair nonetheless.

 

I don't think so, though is it highly possible. Her instinctive reaction would be to keep me around so, yes, it does make sense.

 

The only time she approached me was a text two weeks back suggesting we meet for lunch after she 'was looking at the poetry and letters(i gave her through the years) and brought back good memories.

 

The result of the lunch was this:

 

 

when there are doubts she sends you a message to make sure you won't go anywhere if she needs you again

 

I'm looking forward to graduating this year, so I will be out of her face for good....for now.

 

How many times are you going to let her reject you?

 

I understood my flaws and what I needed to work on. I just hope that she too understands that love transcends the first few months of infatuation. The rest requires significant work.

 

So, how many times I'll let her reject me? My answer: How many times will I accept her: The one time she realises what it means to be in and work on an LTR...possibly for life.

After she has provided me with sufficient evidence she is willing to make things work.

Any crap after that and goodbye. For good.

 

2. Go NC to avoid torture and, hopefully, one day, she'll realize that she loves you and make a serious attempt at making it work.

 

LC and CC is my only option. We study together, run the same club together, work together...are always in each others faces. This will last for the next two and half months until I finally leave university. The times we meet are polite and work related. Then I will be out of her life for good...for the time being...apart from on bloody facebook. After that, NC all the way!

 

so, thank you both for you advice. Any more would be greatly appreciated.

 

Wishing you both all the best.

 

TS

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Hey people.

 

I did want to ask one thing.

After breakup, we have now met for lunch once.

Result: No discussion about relationship etc

 

If she asks to have lunch again, what should I do?

-Politely decline - no explanation

-Politely decline - explanation

-Accept - with the possibility of another 'friendly' chat

 

Feedback would be great.

 

I'll be posting this same message around the forum.

 

TS

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You want her back? You have to stay in her radar. I think I'd accept and avoid all relationship discussion, but I'd also make certain that she knew that you are moving on, making the most of your time apart. Keep it really casual at all times.

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I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with AutumnBorn's last post.

 

I think you should decline.

 

I read how the lunch thing went and back then another poster told you she had reached out to you because her new life/relationship was probably not going well.

So basically, months have passed and she missed you once, her way to deal with it was to run for support so she could go on with her life, she found it and that was the end of it.

She got some help when she needed it, what you got was hope, and she's back to doing her own thing but you are not moving forward.

 

You can't be her friend if you are in love with her. She's missing you?, let her, don't get out of your way to make her feel better about ending your relationship. If she wants you back she has to say it, not wait for her date to dump her.

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Thank you Cuppedia and AutumnBorn

 

I must lean towards Cuppedia's suggestion now. For the sake of me.

 

 

Walked pass her today, that sad pitiful look on her face.

I casually greeted her telling her not to go to a certain building in uni due to a fire drill...

 

I went on the net, I always go on her facebook profile, so I can punish myself daily to help me get over her.

Her fb profile in unchanged.

 

I look at the 'other guy's' profile.

He is no longer listed as single...

 

If they are together now officially as a couple, I know not. Was that look on her face because of this?

 

I shouldn't even care.

But it has affected me.

 

And I am glad for this pain.

 

Because in time I know it will pass.

 

And I will be much better in the end. The unknowing eats me again. But as I say...all will pass.

 

 

Thank you all for your help.

 

I'll be around.

 

TS

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Don't look at her FB profile, just do No Contact.

 

We often try to convince ourselves that we have to do certain things like checking on them, but it's better to stick to NC, it's safe and it won't mess you up.

 

You're in a sort of limbo now, trust me, NOTHING is worse than the place you're currently in, once you choose to move ahead one step at a time everything is a lot easier.

 

Don't think about the future, don't worry about what would happen if you start moving on, just think about this moment. It's never as bad as we fear, you are strong and will feel better, we all do.

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Aye, thanks again cuppedia.

 

Yes, I am in limbo right now. Incredible, that day I met with her to call it quits and she says we might me together. From that moment, false hope penetrates me and I want her back again.

 

Damn. Incredible. A sentence and I am in limbo. Though she really cares for me and didn't want to give me false hope, the effects are obvious.

 

Yes, I should stay off her fb for now.

 

Thank you for your help again.

 

It will be difficult for me for some time having to interact with her daily. Until the end of march.

 

Then I'm properly moving on...

 

TS

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