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Help, is this cheating?


ifeelcheated

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My boyfriend of 2 years is going to a strip club with friends for a bachelor party. I've expressed before when the topic came up that I do not like strip clubs. So when this came up I again expressed my feelings, which are I, personally, do not think it is right for a man committed to me to seek sexual arousal from any other woman but me. This party is still two months away and I feel like I am waiting to be cheated on. I cannot fathom the thought of my boyfriend watching another woman dance topless for him, around him, or even touching him with her hands. We have been together 2 years, we have a really good relationship but he is adamant about going. I am nauseous just thinking about it and I am not sure I will get over this. What should I do?

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I take it you also view porn as cheating?

 

Have you expressed to him your views on what constitutes cheating? Because you clearly have different views on what it means.

 

I've been to several strip clubs before, and really they are gross and trashy and most of the time funny. When we go, we play pool, we sit at a table and drink while the single guys are at the stage getting a thrill.

 

Its a bachelor party. The focus is on the groom. If your guy is going to allow some girl to grind on his crotch, then yes you need to worry about your relationship in general...not just this scenario.

 

I really believe a committed man knows where to draw the line. He's going for his buddy who's getting married, odds are there are also guys there with girlfriends....strip clubs don't always mean naked girls rubbing all over you. And odds are, your guy has seen naked girls in other scenarios [my guys motorcycle magazines are littered with half clothed girls, boobs hanging out..etc] , you can't be there to shield his eyes from the world.

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Well, how is he in general about these things? I think you can certainly tell certain things about a man about the type of relationship you have, the way he treats you, the way he respects you, the way he views women etc.

 

I think its clear he wants to go, have you voiced why you feel uncomfortable? Have you asked what his intentions are when he goes there? Tell him your fears and how you envision things going down at a strip club.

 

If a man cares and respects you, he will listen to your concerns. He can certainly reassure you about his intentions, and what is definitely off limits.

 

Communicate about it. Its not a matter of "No you can't go.." but more of a "What do you plan on doing there..." sort of thing. [Which really..if he's committed, nothing is going to go on anyway...]

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This would make me extremely uncomfortable as well, as I believe guys shouldn't look at other girls in a way that he looks at me in our relationship. But, like the person above said, we really can't stop them from seeing what they will see anyway. If I were in your situation, I would do one of the following:

Put my foot down and say I don't think it's appropriate and if he respected my feelings he would either not go, or stay for a small period of time.

Or I would just go myself with some of my girlfriends so I can know what's going on as well as let him get the feel of you being there. That way he also gets to go.

 

Guess I'm just not a trusting person.

I really do wish you luck.

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To be honest, most bachelor parties are really more about male bonding than cheating... the guys all go and hoot at the women and drink themselves stupid and put on a show for *each other* not the girls. They're proving to each other they are still 'men' and they've still got it even though the only reason the strippers play to them is to get money.

 

And it is very true that if he wants to have sex with prostitutes or strippers, he will get it whether at this party or not. This party is about the future groom and his wishes, and it would probably humiliate him to have to tell his buddies his girlfriend 'won't let him' go.

 

If he doesn't make a normal practice of hanging out at strip clubs all the time etc., then i wouldn't turn this into a dealbreaker, unless you are very religious and want a man who wouldn't ever thing of going.

 

Truthfully, it's pretty normal for men to go to strip clubs now and again for bachelor parties, so i don't think he's doing anything atrocious and it wouldn't bother me.

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Is there a way to express to him a reverse situation I might be in that might make him feel the way I do about this? Because if I said how would you feel if I went to see male strippers I think he would laugh. As they are a joke.

 

Well exactly. Some guys [my guy for certain] gets a giant laugh out of female strippers. He sits there and rips them apart and they all laugh at them. After a few minutes they wander away. Half the time it really is funny.

 

I'd be concerned about your guy going on a weekly basis and sitting in perverts row and going there for an actual thrill.

 

This is to go and humiliate the groom. The novelty will wear off.

 

If he wouldn't be concerned about you going to a bachelorette party with male strippers, why are you concerned about him going to a bachelor party with female strippers?

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Well no one likes having reverse situations thrown in their face. I really think your best bet is to grab some of your girlfriends and go on your own. Don't get there and stay around him and embarrass him. Just sit at a table with your friends, drink, and enjoy yourself while having the satisfaction of knowing what he is up to.

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Well no one likes having reverse situations thrown in their face. I really think your best bet is to grab some of your girlfriends and go on your own. Don't get there and stay around him and embarrass him. Just sit at a table with your friends, drink, and enjoy yourself while having the satisfaction of knowing what he is up to.

 

Not possible, he will be out of town.

 

Plus, I don't want to be that girlfriend.

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Not possible, he will be out of town.

 

Plus, I don't want to be that girlfriend.

 

But you are being that girlfriend by not allowing him to do this though. Imagine him saying "Sorry guys, can't go..my girl won't let me.."

 

You are entitled to feel bothered by this, but its not cheating. Unless your defintion of cheating involves looking at a naked female...because guess what? Your guy probably has already cheated on you half a dozen times already then.

 

I wasn't implying that you had been to see male strippers, but the fact that he would probably laugh...is because strippers are funny! They are gross and disturbing, and they are going to humiliate their buddy.

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Not possible, he will be out of town.

 

Plus, I don't want to be that girlfriend.

 

Then I don't know how to help. I couldn't handle that situation myself.

Maybe you can stay in your town and tell him that while he is doing that, you're going out with your friends to a party or something, so that he feels like you do.

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there is nothing else you can say to him to make him 'understand' your feelings. He knows what your feelings are very clearly. the point is, this whole thing isn't about *you*, it is about his friendship with the groom and desire to be there for the groom's big day, his bachelor party.

 

if you really push this, he most likely will think that you're being a very selfish girl to try to prevent him from being there for his friend's party just because you are squeamish about him being there. The world if full of images of naked women, so him seeing a couple more at a bachelor party isn't going to change anything. Are you going to next tell him he can't go see R-rated movies because there might be naked breasts in the movies?

 

That is how he is going to perceive this, that you are trying to control him when he is doing nothing wrong, other than supporting a friend by attending a bachelor party. You see worse things in R-rated movies these days than you do in most strip joints.

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I'm sorry you feel this way about this situation.

 

I found myself in the reverse situation last year. A relative of mine was having a bachelorette party. She's a very nice person and good hearted. However, her very single sister was throwing the party. The sister who was throwing this bash is the type who can never be tied to a relationship and loves to go to clubs and flirt shamelessly with men and thinks life is a big party 24/7. I don't think any guy would want to date someone like her.

 

I declined the invitation because I knew what kind of party this was going to end up being. Even if my fiance has 100% trust in me to be in an environment full of half naked, buff men and behave myself like a lady, I thought that...being a lady, I shouldn't even take part in it. I felt it would be disrespectful to my fiance.

 

I don't regret declining the invitation. I have my self respect fully intact because I did so.

 

I can see how your guy would get a lot of b*ll busting if he doesn't go. However, rather than cling to him for the night to see what he's up to, why not go out for the night to a club with a friend or two and have a great time? If he expects you to be okay with him having women pretend to want him and be attracted to him (trust), he shouldn't have a problem with you being around some fully clothed men in a club the same night.

 

Just a thought.

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Its a Bachelor party - this is what guys do. And he doesn't have any control over where they are going for the party, but he doesn't want to NOT go out with the guys, so hes going to go. You need to trust him.

 

My bf and I recently had this conversation and he asked me how I felt about him going to strip clubs. I told him if it was with a group of guys and thats what they were doing I didn' thave a problem with it but if he was frequently going there I definitely would have a problem with it. I also told him I would never go with him because i have a little more class than to go watch a girl dance naked in front of people.

 

Anyways, he shared with me a story about how one time he went with the guys and they bought him a lap dance because he never had one before, and he was completely uncomfortable in this situation and asked the girl to stop and just ended up having a conversation with her because he felt icky with it. He thought she was dirty. lol He was single at the time. I thought it was kind of a cute story.

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