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He won't let me make amends..Give up


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Please don't yell and put me down for this. I have suffered depression and have already attempted to end my life three times over this. The guilt is eating me up and I have no clue why I did this.

 

My ex boyfriend dumped me and he had very good reasons. I betrayed him by omitting, so basiclly a lie. I am not proud of this. I want to make ameds with my ex boyfriend for what I did becuase I don't feel I will ever forgive myself for this. I have apologized in a very nice way. Here it goes....

 

I ended up pregnant while we were dating. Not a big deal we accepted it. The problem is we live in a small town everyone likes to be involved in everyone's life. I was always brought down as a child that I will never be good enough, always having to prove myself, every step I took was a mistake to my father. There is alot more. This may help you understand the rest.

 

Anyways, the people in town started telling my then boyfriend that it was his friends kid and at that point I knew something was wrong. I have a good gut intuitioin and have with my ex, even now which is weird. He never communicated this to me, but I knew something was wrong as he started pulling away and telling me there was no spark. We still stayed together. I found out from a few other people that everyone is saying it is someone elses baby. I don't even go out unless it was with him and we lived together.

 

I ended up having a miscarriage which was stress related from everything that was going on. His parents were gettig divorced, his dad was living with us, he was losing his job. his mom lived accross the street. I didn't tell him about the miscarriage because I was too worried about proving to everyone else that it was his baby. So I got pregnant again with him and it took a few months. I started to become crazy when I realized what I did and did not know how to fix this. I mean this guy was the only one who never cut me down, he inspired me, and taught me a lot. So I suggested and abortion and he went along with it. He at this time did not know how far along I was. After that we still lived together but I couldn't live with myself, that was my first attempt at ending my life. I knew I hurt someone so bad and I know what it is like to be hurt. I left that day after I tried to end my life. A month later I told my ex the truth.

 

He was angry and I expected that. He called me crazy, he said he never wanted to see me, or talk to me again. Hard we live in a small town. I felt so guilty and still do and it is almost 3 months. Finally got the stuff out of his house. After that I tried to kill myself two more times. One of which he must have had his own intuition and called the cops to check on me. The last time we were out in public at a bar in a pool tournament. Everyone knew what happed and they knew I was on meds. They kept telling me I was never pregnant in the first place and all this it made me flip. I took all my pills and drank. I went and got all my medical records from the clinic even and gave them to someone to read.

 

I have did good and haven't called the ex. I feel so guilty I never meant to do this. I don't really know what happened or why I felt like I had to prove it was his to everyone else. We talked today. He will not let me make amends even though I am trying so hard too. He told me he never wants to talk to me or see me again. I should move out of town. I said why don't you just tell me you hate me. It would make it a lot easier for me to move on from this. It would so I wouldn't even worry about making amends. He said hate is a strong word.

 

Will his anger and hurt towards me ever go away?? Will my guilt ever go away? I really need someone to talk too. I can't talk with my therapist right now..

 

Can anyone talk on yahoo or anything? I really feel sometimes that ending my life is the only way to show how sorry I am. I don't know what to do, everyone in this town hates me now so I don't even want to leave my apartment. I have done some dumb stuff after teh break up while drunk and I should not be drinking on the medications.

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So you cheated on him and got pregnant with someone else's baby?

 

First off, I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood and I'm sorry you are suffering from severe depression. Perhaps the reason why you cheated was because of how your father used to treated you; You need to feel the need to become "better" and "happier" than other people, so when you hurt your boyfriend, you subconciously felt better. Hey, at least someone else is feeling bad and not you anymore. This isn't meant for me to sound brutal or anything... But I can't think of any other reason as to why you decided to cheat and get pregnant with someone else.

 

But, like everyone else will say here... What you did was wrong, hurtful, and while someday he will forgive you, it won't be for a very, very long time. You broke his trust and his heart. How would you feel if he got some other girl pregnant while he was with you?

 

The first thing you'll have to do is to forgive yourself. Go to therapy and get serious help on your depression and your inner demons. Get help to resolve your childhood burdens. Get medicine and STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL!

 

I wish you luck...

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No it was the ex's baby. His friend even told we did nothing but it is kind of hard when people saw me leave his apartment when all I was doing there was talking with him since he was going threw a hard time.

 

So no I did not cheat. My ex said he never had feeling for me anyways so I don't believe I broke his heart.

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Sounds like your ex also had a role to play in all of this if he chose to believe the small town gossips. Forget about making amends to your ex. If he chose to believe the gossipers then clearly there was something missing in the relationship. Given your suicide attempts I suspect prior to these incidents he had a feeling that you had emotional issues that you were not dealing with very well..so I suspect the break up has more to do with the baby issue being the final straw. Instead of focusing on him, focus on yourself. Heal yourself and work on improving your self-esteem so that no person will ever make you feel so bad about yourself that you want to take your life. Your relationship with him is over..but now you can start developing a new and better relationship with yourself.

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I'm sorry you don't feel OK about talking to your therapist right now, as that is what I'd have suggested.

 

I can't imagine the sort of pressure you must have been under before this miscarriage; I'm concerned that you didn't tell anyone about it - many people have real emotional/hormonal problems and a sense of bereavement after one, and then try and get pregnant immediately, just as you did.

 

I am assuming you then went ahead with an abortion? Again, this would likely have given you cause for guilt and a whole bunch of painful feelings, and then the breakup of your relationship?

 

Please, please talk to a professional about all this; it will have been really damaging to your emotional health, and you really need to take care of yourself before one of those suicide attempts succeeds, or you cause yourself irreversible physical damage on top of what has already happened.

 

Try, as far as you can, to ignore the comments of a small town where people first of all said it wasn't your boyfriend's baby and then said you weren't pregnant at all. If you like, take both these as proof that they'll believe any old rubbish if it'll make their lives more interesting. Even if you think that everybody hates you (which is actually very unlikely!) (Who is this 'everybody'?) it won't be long before they turn their attention to the latest scandal and your problems will be forgotten.

 

To be honest, not getting your boyfriend's forgiveness is just the last straw - there's some really monumental stuff going on for you here, and you deserve to get help for it. From someone who won't judge you.

 

(((HUGS)))

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He did know about the first pregnancy he just did not know about the miscarraige. Maybe it was my sense of loss I am not sure. Got pregnant by him again and the only way to make it right since he didn't want it anymore or to give it up for adoption was to suggest an abortion a decision we both made together however, he did not know how far along I was at the time. "He said lets do that I believe the abortion could bring us closer together."

 

These people in town drove me so nuts telling me we know nothing happened that I sent all my medical records and the papers from the abortion clinic to the one person that seems to stir the pot for me. They all think I am crazy and I am starting to believe them.

 

They all say the sooner you move on everyone will forget. Ok great! Here is the thing I use moving on as keep going on with my life not hop into the next persons bed. I don't want to do that I want to have all my issues worked out. They use it as find another guy. That will not solve anything for me.

 

Another thing he had his part in it. It does take two even though I did not communicate with him he did not communicate with me. I nagged and yelled because I wanted to tell him but all he would do was say he can't be by me he is going out. After he said I am making excuses for everything which I can say where he thinks that I lost his trust. I said why would you keep having sex with me then if you didn't think I was pregnant. He said because I had to live with you. Then it went to him replying with I had to do what I had to do.

 

I think I need to go into hiding. I mean will these people really ever forget? What happens when we are in the same place at the same time are they going to point out remember what she did to you. I don't know this is really taking a toll on me. I have lost 50lbs since the beginning of December.

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You cannot live your life worrying about what other people think or say. There will always be some people who are malicious gossips. The more you show their lies bother you, the more they will continue. Ignore them! There are lots of other people in the town who don't know anything about what's going on. Stop feeding the fire. This guy chose to believe other people over you? Hell with him! You have done nothing wrong here. You are confused and depressed, which are natural states after a miscarriage, abortion and love troubles. Get back in therapy. Go to support groups. Maybe get on medication. And remember people rarely think or talk about us as we may sometimes think they do. They are really very self-absorbed. We all go through difficult times in life. This too shall pass. Spend your time with people who are supportive of you. It doesn't matter how many there are. You know there are some you can talk to. Take your mind off all of this. But PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. IF YOU FEEL LIKE KILLING YOURSELF AGAIN, GO TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM.

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If the people in your neighborhood are gossips and their self esteem is so low that they are trying to "pick apart" other people in a sorry attempt to feel better about themselves, they've already moved on from you and are picking apart plenty of other people.

 

 

What's important now is you get yourself some professional help because what you went through is enough to put anyone into a bad state of mind for a while but I also think that your hormones going back and forth the way they did, plus mixing alcohol (a depressant) afterward...you are not at all in your normal state of mind right now. Until the cobwebs clear out of your head, so to speak, you should lean on professionals to put you back up on your feet.

 

 

Get the help that you really need right now, okay? You went through a lot!

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I am going to therapy and I have been on medication. Its just I have done so many CRAZY things after this that everyone in town thinks I am Crazy. Maybe they are right.

 

I have been through a lot, it is just that no one else realizes it. They all take his side which is fine. I mean I didn't live in this town before. I was even was told by my ex that everyone in town is looking out for him and they are checking my facebook page and reporting to him. Reporting what to him? Him and I are blocked from each others page. Like I am going to put something that personal on a Facebook page. If he does not want anything to do with me then why bring it up?

 

He doesn't want me in his life so he can still be in mine, why does he even want to know? Also his friends seen me kiss a guy and I did a month after we were broke up in public which was dumb. I am not ready for anything like that. They told him and then I got that thrown in my face. He said "I heard you kissed so and so, good luck with that guy, I don't care what you do anymore." Ok so why bring it up..

 

I was in the hospital on one suicide attempt come to find out he is the one that called the cops and I never told him I was going to do it. They came and got me. It took him awhile to tell me it was him. He did it because he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. So why call them, don't worry about it.

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These people are doing it again. So he made out with a girl and they inform me of it! I don't ask them. Then what I want to do is call him and tell him to tell his friends to stop telling me this stuff. All it does is cause drama.

 

To be honest I am getting help. I have been. Its just I have not moved on from something that happened almost 5 years ago. In July of 2005 I was raped and had my first abortion. I can't for get it. My son I have an 8 year old already was 3 then and since then I do not have a picture of him or with him, I don't spend time with him, I am so MAD that these years I lost will I will never get back. Never, my life has passed me bye.

 

I am afraid to be myself, I am scared to open up to people, I am ashamed at what happened, I push people away because I don't want them to know me like this. The biggest reason I am afraid to be myself is because of what happened when I was myself. I am scared.

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It is okay to be scared.

Everyone has made mistakes in their lives that they are not proud of. This does not make you a horrible person.

I am very sorry to hear about the traumatic experiences you had in your life.

These are not reasons to end your life though, I think that it is great that you know to take the right steps and seek professional help, since your thoughts of suicide are quite serious. Whatever medication they prescribe please take- this will help you think clearly..

Have you ever thought of moving to a different town or neighborhood? It seems that these people are not very caring and quite rude. This can not be a healthy environment for you.

Your life has not passed you by, you can still get your life together, and you can possibly see your son.

Please do not give up on yourself.

 

You can feel free to PM me anytime you need to chat.

again professional help is def. something you need to get you through, and its okay.

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I changed my phone number on Monday so no one but my Mom could get ahold of me. To help with this since I heard at the grocery store everyone in town knows/thinks she is nuts!

 

Then today I got served with a restrainging order. There goes my chance at any career in the medical field. My life is over!!

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I changed my phone number on Monday so no one but my Mom could get ahold of me. To help with this since I heard at the grocery store everyone in town knows/thinks she is nuts!

 

Then today I got served with a restrainging order. There goes my chance at any career in the medical field. My life is over!!

 

 

This doesn't change your career options at all.

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hAfter that we still lived together but I couldn't live with myself, that was my first attempt at ending my life. I knew I hurt someone so bad and I know what it is like to be hurt. I left that day after I tried to end my life. A month later I told my ex the truth.

 

Okay, that is the first thing. If you think that ending your own life is going to solve anything, you are gravely mistaken. Suicide has many implications, implications you cannot possibly think about. It leaves a very big scar on people.

 

So, ending your life would not make anything better, in effect, it would make things worse.

 

I think you need to take a BIG breath... Just stop for a minute...

 

So, these town's people supposedly don't like you? Who cares? Their opinion does not dictate who you are.. Can you move out of there?

 

I'm not sure about the ex, i don't really know why he is angry. Why hasn't he supported you? From what you said, i get the feeling that it was his baby to begin with.

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