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How to let someone down easy??? I want friendship, he wants more.


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So, here is the story:


I'm on link removed. I met this guy online and we went out on 2 dates. I did really like him a lot. I was not very attracted to him, but he seemed like a great guy and we laughed a lot and joked a lot. They were good dates. He did kiss me 2 times, but just the regular kind of good night kiss.


After our 2nd date, an old friend of mine revealed some deep feelings for me, not of the friendship variety. It kind of sent me spinning (as I had feelings for this friend as well). I told the guy I was dating that I was sorry but would need to be friends with him as this had happened. I became really confused about my feelings about my old friend, this new guy, and dating in general. I was up front and honest.


The date guy said it was fine and he actually would like to be friends.


We would text sometimes funny jokes, this and that. We hung out a couple times just as friends, with my friends. Everything was very friendly.


And I do check my link removed profile here and there to see if anyone has written to me, etc. I AM STILL SINGLE.


Well, date-guy emailed me yesterday asking ...


If I was so torn over this old friend, why am I actively checking messages on link removed still?!?!?


I feel watched.

I don't like the feeling.

And I did tell this guy that I wanted friendship from him.

I'm still single and I kind of feel like this guy over stepped his boundaries by inquiring why I check my profile.


I understand his position. And why he would wonder. But, was it weird for him to question me on it?


And if so, or if not, how should I respond to him?!?!?!?!


I want to tell him that even though I'm feeling confused about my old friend's revelation, I'm still single and told him upfront that I wanted him to be my friend. But, that sounds like a sheet for something real. And is.


Thanks for your help.

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This is a tough one. I think he feels like he's been lied to. The way you explained things to him is that you wanted to see how things would work out with your friend, so he's confused as to why you are still active on a dating site. Considering you really have continued the friendship, he probably feels like he was given a line just so you wouldn't have to date him anymore. I'm guessing that he still wants to date you and was willing to hang around as a friend until you figured things out with the other guy.


How you respond depends on how much you value his friendship. If you truly do want to keep him in your life as a friend, then you can explain your rationale for still looking on match. No he can't expect you to not to look since you are single and he's not dating you, but I can understand how he feels misled.

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I agree that if he sees you still active on link removed, and you friend zoned him with the excuse you were re-connecting with a friend, then he may have felt like you b.s.ed him and didn't tell him the truth (i.e., that you just didn't want to date him).


People don't like being lied to or mislead, and that may have twinged some anger in him and hence the mail.


If you don't know him well or aren't that great friends with him, i'd let it go. If you do want to stay friends with him, i'd just explain yourself (i.e., you aren't getting serious with anyone right now and are hence still open to dating others).

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I consider it too messy to try to friendzone someone who is interested in me. This is a great example of why.


I don't know that I'd pull off the drama of 'cutting all ties' since I don't find that necessary with other friends when we phase in and out of one anothers' lives. Paths diverge and cross again with friends. I'd just phase him out and not phase him back in.

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