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Major Upheaval


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For 2-3 years, I was really the only "local" (read: white) person with a strong place in a small community of migrants, working to help them to adapt to our society, facing issues of cultural identity etc. Having never been overseas, this was eye-opening for me, but seemed to fit because I was naturally a very open-minded individual, and enjoyed helping others. This strange experience lead me to want to work in a career in this area, essentially helping people in this scenario.


I made big plans to return to college and study the Arts - specifically English and Social Anthropology - a HUGE change from a life as a software developer. Everything was falling into place perfectly, as though on some divine rail - I'd finally found my place in this life.


Bam. A few weeks before my course started, lets just say my best friend of a long time, befriended me; I was "too nice". I was stunned.


All my trust in God cracked; He even told me why. I was angry. I read a slew of self-help books in order to better myself. These made sense of everything, and reminded me of much I had forgotten. I understood. I was too nice. I had been living in a world where I could step on anybody's toes at any given time - I had to be extremely cautious about what I said or did, and always put others first. I enjoyed this lifestyle because it was part of my identity; I had been socially conditioned this way. It was what I had learned from my parents: to be respectful and help others.


Although I enjoyed this ideal lifestyle of helping others, it was not attractive. That is not spiritual, nor other-worldly thought, it is fact. We are bioligically wired to be attracted to assertiveness and dominance - it makes evolutionary sense.


As the ultimate goal is to love and be loved (or to procreate), with the help of these books, I began reconditioning myself. I started putting my self first as opposed to being self-less. I built up my confidence, and started training myself to be assertive and pro-active, and look after my own needs first.


Bam. My course started. One week in... it just feels like something I'd have loved in a past life. Yet as I read I can feel my grip on my new (and for all intensive purposes stronger, "better") self becoming muddled. Slipping. How could one live to put others first, yet live to put themselves first at the same time? It's contradictory. Identity is not something we are born with, it is something we put on, which in turn results in a change in our sense of self and who we are.


I feel like I'm being thrown about violently inside some kind of schitzophrenic washing machine. The knowledge I've garnered lately is powerful, but this is dangerous. I cannot help but ask myself 'what do I do now'?

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You are right about assertiveness and dominance.


Got to the clubs and just observe.

Despite the loud music, people all dressed up to the nines, I still see a big cave of primates in a sexual gathering with David Attenborough narrating in my head.


You appear to be a very logical type of person which explains the black and white thought of being either all for one or one for all.


Separate that from work.


Be number one within reason if you can.

Be the helping person within your chosen occupation if it needs such a quality.

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[...] How could one live to put others first, yet live to put themselves first at the same time? It's contradictory. [...]


Might help to think in terms of those zenny airline attendants who give pretty clear instructions: when the oxygen mask falls, you must place it over your own face first to be of any conscious use to anyone else.


I believe that everybody's spiritual bubble needs to get popped at some point in order for each to decide how to construct some semblance of such a thing from scratch. That's how you can learn the difference between being spoon-fed versus Knowing The Self and where you really stand.


Keep going, you're doing well!

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