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Sort of interested in a guy who has a girlfriend.


saf

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I met this guy recently who I think I could really like. We make each other laugh, we enjoy talking to each other, he once thanked me just for "being". This was in jest of course, but it expresses a sort of fondness that he has for myself.

 

The problem is, he has a girlfriend. And I am not in the business of 1) Ruining relationships or 2) competing for people.

 

The only reason I even have decided to maybe pursue him is because he expressly told me that the girlfriend he is with now is long-distance and she is not very affectionate towards him and she has a terrible temper so he's dipping his feet back in the water to see if there is anyone closer in proximity and mind-set to him. He has also mentioned that he feels terrible about even doing that.

 

If he ever told me once that he did not want to break up with his girlfriend or that he was too attached to her to break it off, I would halt any advances (and at the moment, I'm not even making any until he gives some kind of green-light). But he wants to hang out during this week and grab some food as friends (meaning it's not a date at all)

 

I guess this isn't really too much of a complete problem, as I know in my head how I want to deal with this but I'm just sort of fishing for opinions from others. Mostly just for confirmation of my own thought-process or some points to dissuade me out of something potentially disastrous.

 

I don't know. Has anyone else dealt with this before?

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Why would you want someone who tries out new girls before he's got rid of the current one? That does not sound like someone I could put my trust and confidence in.

 

You're absolutely right, I've considered that, and will continue to consider it as I get to know him better.

Why it's not an absolute busting point right now is that he expresses so much guilt in it. But wouldn't anyone, to the person they were trying to attract?

 

Still deciding what I want to do with that.

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Sort of. I was getting to know a guy I worked with and we'd got to the stage of holding hands on walks and a few (fortunately VERY few) kisses.

 

Then he casually mentioned this woman he was 'sort of seeing'. He also told me it wasn't working out... I wasn 't totally happy with this, it felt all wrong, so I backed off.

 

They'd actually been together for two years and that was about ten years ago. They got married last year. I now believe he had cold feet and I was his experiment to see whether the grass was greener. Whatever.

 

Personally I wouldn't go there - not someone else's guy. If you believe in Karma, what goes around comes around (and that's very true in relationships - why would he be faithful to YOU if he wasn't to HER?) - and if you don't, it's just not a very nice thing to do to another woman, whether you know her or not.

 

That he would do this to his current girlfriend tells you that he is happy to be unfaithful and deceitful. What a catch, eh?!

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why would he be faithful to YOU if he wasn't to HER?) - and if you don't, it's just not a very nice thing to do to another woman, whether you know her or not.

 

That he would do this to his current girlfriend tells you that he is happy to be unfaithful and deceitful. What a catch, eh?!

 

This. ^ Right here. If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. Why would you want somebody like that?

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He's not your fella, he's someone else's. If you lived far away from your man, how would you feel if you knew that another girl spends a lot of time with him, laughs with him, likes him, and is going to start pursuing him? My guess is that you'd want to scratch her eyes out. We girls have to stick together and look out for each other. We have a hard enough time getting hurt by men, so there's no reason for us to start hurting each other. And if she was as horrible as he says, do you think he'd still be with her? No ma'am indeed.

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Personally I wouldn't go there - not someone else's guy. If you believe in Karma, what goes around comes around (and that's very true in relationships - why would he be faithful to YOU if he wasn't to HER?) - and if you don't, it's just not a very nice thing to do to another woman, whether you know her or not.

 

Well... I don't believe in Karma.

But I do believe in trying to be a decent person. Unsure of how I view myself as a part of their breakup though.

 

That he would do this to his current girlfriend tells you that he is happy to be unfaithful and deceitful. What a catch, eh?!

 

Hahahaha, yes. What a catch!

Debating with myself whether or not I would invest my time in something that could turn out like that.

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I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that since his girlfriend is away, he's playing footsie with you to keep himself occupied until he can see her. When she's in town, he's not going to know your last name. But he's probably being so friendly with you right now because it feeds his ego to know that he's wanted. Not that I blame him or I'm saying he's being malicious. It's human nature. But that's what I think is going on.

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I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that since his girlfriend is away, he's playing footsie with you to keep himself occupied until he can see her. When she's in town, he's not going to know your last name.

 

Oh, er, well, I would never be romantically involved with him unless he had already broken up with her and expressed no regrets or doubts. And if he did throw me to the curb anyway when she came around (doubtful, she goes to an art school accross the country) then I'm just better off for it anyway.

 

I know, I know, I should be insightful enough to spot the errors now! It all sounded so much better in my head, hahahaha.

 

Huh. Go figure.

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You seem to be doing a lot of debating and thiming about something which is as near black and white as you will ever get in life.

 

He. Is. Not. Yours. To. Chase.

 

Of course, you could be mistaken about being a decent person, in which case, go ahead...

 

Southern hit it on the head. Read her first post again...

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You seem to be doing a lot of debating and thiming about something which is as near black and white as you will ever get in life.

 

Unfortunately, affairs of the heart are so rarely black and white for me. (:

My own, or when thinking about others'.

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Oh, er, well, I would never be romantically involved with him unless he had already broken up with her and expressed no regrets or doubts. And if he did throw me to the curb anyway when she came around (doubtful, she goes to an art school accross the country) then I'm just better off for it anyway.

 

I know, I know, I should be insightful enough to spot the errors now! It all sounded so much better in my head, hahahaha.

 

Huh. Go figure.

 

lol it's okay, we ALL do this sort of thing. Sometimes when we want something that we know is wrong, we'll try everything we can to convince ourselves that this is the exception to the rule. This forum is a good place for a reality check, because the people here are merciless (I mean that in the best possible way, y'all! lol) and will shock you right back into reality. You know in your head what you've got to do. So muster up the courage and do it--let him go. You never know; he might turn up in your life another time and another place when you can actively pursue him.

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[...]Why it's not an absolute busting point right now is that he expresses so much guilt in it. [...]

 

Hah! Oh. Hey, as long as he feels guilty about it...

 

Picture this: You're at home in your pajamas fighting off a cold and he's out with the guys telling some girl how 'guilty' he feels about getting her number because he just hasn't been feeling that into you lately...

 

How many days or weeks would you be confident in this guy before you'd start looking over your shoulder?

 

Is that any way to live?

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ok, well i can tell you, that having been in the situation where i knew the guy had a gf, and went after him anyways, it didn't end well for any of us - me, him, or the gf. he carried on flirting and such with me, and i with him. he complained about his gf but didn't do anything about it (like break up with her). she eventually found out about us. i think there was yet another girl in the equation as well. long story short, it was a huge waste of my time and i feel bad now for doing that to his gf (now ex, i suppose).

 

if he wants to "dip his toes" back into the dating pool, he should break up with her so he can start fresh. there is no point in messing around with him while he's still in a relationship. because then, why would he break up with her when he can have 2 women!?!? i think if you want to use your power to your advantage, tell him you won't date him until he has broken up with his gf. that will give him some incentive to pull the plug.

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Hah! Oh. Hey, as long as he feels guilty about it...

 

Picture this: You're at home in your pajamas fighting off a cold and he's out with the guys telling some girl how 'guilty' he feels about getting her number because he just hasn't been feeling that into you lately...

 

How many days or weeks would you be confident in this guy before you'd start looking over your shoulder?

 

Is that any way to live?

 

Genuine guilt expresses recognition that what he is doing is wrong and that it not his ideal situation and not something he would normally find himself doing. I understand that everyone does stuff they are not proud of and I can forgive this.

Whether or not he genuinely feels guilty or if it's just a passing emotion was already addressed by the sentence right after the one you quoted. (:

 

 

And Annie: Yes, thank you. If I had decided to date him at all I certainly was not going to do it while he had another girl.

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no no no good. If I were you, I'd stop hanging around him. In the long run you'll get hurt and so will she. Let him work his cheating sob stories with another person. Sorry this had to happen, but I believe there's a reason for everything and maybe the reason here is to demonstrate to you that you are better than being 2nd choice. You are better than being his temporary quick fix while a girl he's "committed" to is far away... Idiots like this manipulate women and it's up to us to put a stop to it. You obviously have a heart, enough to realize that even if their relationship isn't everything he wants, fact is they're still together and you don't want to disrespect her. Kudos on being a decent human being. Hope everything works out for you.

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Sounds like you are really here until someone says 'yeah, go for it!' which is unlikely to happen.

 

Personally I think he sounds like a loser. If she's that awful, why hasn't he just finished with her? Which makes him not just unfaithful and dishonest, but spineless too.

 

So he probably won't be that good in bed...

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Sounds like you are really here until someone says 'yeah, go for it!' which is unlikely to happen.

 

I noticed that, too. Has 'troll' written all over it.

 

[...] Which makes him not just unfaithful and dishonest, but spineless too.

 

Hah! Yeah, but he feeeeels so genuinely guilty about it--and that's attractive. ; P

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So let's see... he's perfectly willing to continue to use his girlfriend until he finds someone he likes better...

 

Or he's totally full of crap and he's in love with his girlfriend, but wants to find a gullible woman to dip something other than his toes in when his girlfriend isn't around.

 

Absolutely nothing in this for you... the guy's either a jerk, or a cheater.

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^^

ack, some people's lives are so 'interesting' other people can't believe it's really true.

 

i got involved with a guy who was married (LDR) and lying about the marriage and everyone insisted i must be stupid to not know about it... but i have a very high IQ and sometimes real life is stranger than fiction!

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