Why do dumpers refuse to be friends?

[In the Dark]

What you are refusing to understand is that: IF the relationship was so great, they would NOT have broken up in the first place! Why is that so hard to understand?

 

So, s/he cheated. That implies things were NOT so great in the relationship because if you really love someone, you don't cheat on them, no matter how tempting (imo).

 

It appears the issue here is that malibumann found the relationship was going absolutely fine and there was no signs of issue with his ex until one day it all just went.

He said his ex said I love you to him one day and the next she was gone.

 

By the sounds of things he was totally blind to what she was actually thinking/planning.

 

Maybe due to being no reason why she should except there was a more exciting man after her and she was keeping it a secret from him, then one day she just left.

 

Whether she feels guilt....probably.

Is she happier?

Most probably otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did.

How someone can do this?

I don't know.

[malibumann]

What you are refusing to understand is that: IF the relationship was so great, they would NOT have broken up in the first place! Why is that so hard to understand?

 

So, s/he cheated. That implies things were NOT so great in the relationship because if you really love someone, you don't cheat on them, no matter how tempting (imo).

Well if you plan on leaving someone for someone else and your not happy dont lie about it dont say everything is great get your rocks off and then ditch you like you never meant anything to them and give no answers A LTR deserves closure as well as any Relationship and when you dont get one you are left crushed..Its not easy to overcome.

[Capricorn3]

Well if you plan on leaving someone for someone else and your not happy dont lie about it dont say everything is great get your rocks off and then ditch you like you never meant anything to them and give no answers A LTR deserves closure as well as any Relationship and when you dont get one you are left crushed..Its not easy to overcome.

I'm not disputing that and I never said it was easy to overcome. That wasn't even the question anyway.

[shessofly]

Okay but what if they make passionate love with you one day and tell you they love you and want to be with you forever and marry you and the very next day dump you and cut you off cold? that makes no sense to me!!

 

in short, i would say it sounds like that person played them. in other words, they didn't mean it. passionate sex does not equal love.

 

nothing you can do about someone who doesn't want to remain friends with you after a breakup. honestly remaining friends really doesn't make sense, assuming the breakup just happened.

 

it's not likely that:

 

a. the dumpee is TRULY interested in being JUST friends

b. the friendship would be able to be a healthy one right off the bat considering the circumstances

 

whether it's gigs or they are just through with the relationship, it's best to just move on with your (their) life. if that person chooses to return and explain things so be it, but you (they) can't force it.

[babybluz73]

could it have been a case of cold feet or mid life crisis? Id say try your hardest to forget them and remember its not your fault its their guilt they will have to live with when this new found love falls apart

[catfeeder]

Biggest reason would be that the dumper is clear that the dumpee will try to manipulate her/him to come back. Better to give it a rest and wait until dumper has healed. Otherwise it's like rubbing salt on the wound--nobody wants to do that.

[Seraphim]

This is so true. You can not have ANY type of healthy relationship when one person feels obligated to stay out of guilt and fear. Eventually the resentment will be so enormous they WILL leave and it will be uglier than you can imagine and the damage can be long lasting.

[Unknown1607307972]

A general question for dumpers? You broke their heart RIGHT? Why cant you be kind and be friendly? Some ex's in my past that dumped me refuse to talk to me to this day and I DID NOTHING WRONG? Tehy effed me over!!

IS it guilt or they still in pain, still harbor feelings? Afraid??What??

I DONT GET IT??? Usually the dumpee doesnt want to be friends and the dumper begs for friendship according to these threads!

ANY COMMENTS APPRECIATED!!

 

I tried to be friendly because my ex wanted me to and I thought if he was so insistant then maybe it'd help him. Big mistake. Every time we spoke I had to watch *everything* I say so not to bring up something touchy, he was so bitter that we argued constantly, and it definitely gave him false hope of getting back together for a little while. I ended up cutting contact and it was certainly for the best.

 

Dumpers tend to go NC as a way of finalising the break-up, so not to lead on the dumpee into thinking that they still have a chance to get back with them when it's truly over (sorry if I sound harsh, it's late and I can't think of how to phrase it better). It happens a lot, a dumpee wants their ex back so they keep them as a friend while harbouring feelings for them still and trying to win them back, getting more and more hurt when they get nowhere or when they see their ex meet someone else. All it does is prolong the pain really. It's also often easier as when both parties eventually meet new people, the friendship with an ex can cause jealousy in the new relationships with the new partners.

 

I personally believe in cutting ties with exes unless you either had a very brief and casual relationship or you have children and need to be civil for their sake.

[babybluz73]

What if the ex says you were the " best woman ever and I cant predict the future and I will always compare other girls to you" type of crap?? I think for me is losing the friendship we had it was just so out of the blue he was my best friend and now he off having a fun life while I suffer.

[LBP]

Heartless bastard? Hardly. The real crime would have been to stay in a relationship with someone he could not love or completely respect. It's a way bigger crime. But still, this exaggerated sense of guilt would make it impossible to ever be friends either. After all, his empathy was not blind and worked two way. He could surely put himself in her shoes here and there and feel the pain that she must feel. And after doing that, how could one ever be "friends"? It would be such a farce.

 

Maybe, but that's still pretty ****** up.

 

What everyone here has already said: most of the time, the dumpee will keep trying to reignite the relationship. That can be pretty irritating, constant walking on egg shells being a generally unpleasant way to deal with someone. Not to mention the guilt and so on. Best way to deal with it is respect their wishes from the get go. I've tried both ways and believe you me, that second method works a thousand times better. Sadly, I think it's a skill as much as a talent, and if you're not born knowing, you gotta learn the hard way.

 

Good luck. It'll work out.

[babybluz73]

Im goin thru the same BS..but isnt it at all possible that the dumper is still attracted or has feelings for the dumpee and cant talk to them for fear they will relapse into love again??

[LBP]

Im goin thru the same BS..but isnt it at all possible that the dumper is still attracted or has feelings for the dumpee and cant talk to them for fear they will relapse into love again??

 

Possible, but that's a tough bet to take.

[Seraphim]

I never know why people want to push someone to be with them when the other person does not want to. Why do people want a relationship where you are forcing someone to be with you?? All that does is hold you back from finding someone who truly loves you and makes you more miserable in the end.