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Why do dumpers refuse to be friends?


malibumann

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A general question for dumpers? You broke their heart RIGHT? Why cant you be kind and be friendly? Some ex's in my past that dumped me refuse to talk to me to this day and I DID NOTHING WRONG? Tehy effed me over!!

IS it guilt or they still in pain, still harbor feelings? Afraid??What??

I DONT GET IT??? Usually the dumpee doesnt want to be friends and the dumper begs for friendship according to these threads!

ANY COMMENTS APPRECIATED!!

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'According to these threads' will get you nowhere. For every dumper that has been kind and open to communication, there is another that has disappeared entirely. You get what you get.

 

Dumpers are often in pain as well. A break up is hardly ever something anyone enjoys going through. Since you've broken up, they no longer have any obligation to consider your feelings - if they are in pain and the best way for them is to cut contact, that's what they will do. And they are completely right to - you have to think of yourself in these situations.

 

Dumpees often seem to hold onto the dumper in the hope that a 'friendship' will help them see that actually they made a mistake. Dumpees can hardly complain about their ex not wanting a friendship, when in fact they don't really want one either.

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Because when you dump someone you don't want to stick around. You don't hang around at the scene of the crime. You don't need to feel worse.

 

Some people just don't believe in staying friends with exes as a general rule.

 

And then some people you dump and don't want to see because they're lousy.

 

Either way, just because you end the relationship doesn't mean it's not a painful thing to do.

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Depends on the situation and how much "friendship" was in the relationship to begin with. I'm friends with one ex but there's always some flirting. Another ex we hardly ever talked after we split up. The current ex..it will make sense to be friends down the line but it's too painful right now.

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When you break up with someone you have accepted the fact that the relationship will no longer work out while the dumpee usually shares a different opinion and doesn't want that relationship to end. A "friendship" is defined as two people who are involved in a relationship that doesn't involve romantic feelings. You cannot have a healthy friendship with someone who you have strong feelings for and dumpers know this so they try to remove themselves from your life implementing strict no contact so that it helps you move on faster and so that they aren't involved in a frienship where they will be manipulated into being more than just friends.

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Yes, even then. Even people who have kids together do not remain friends. I know it is sad, but sometimes to stay friends is too painful and it drags out what will eventually happen anyway and make it more painful in the end. My parents were married on and off for 14 years and have known each other for 48 years now. They are not friends though and they had 2 kids together.

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Even after a 7 year relationship?Even if the dumper still cared for you and loved you and knew you were an awesome person? Just completely threw away something great for GIGS?

 

Especially after a 7 year relationship. It takes lots of space apart to heal before any kind of real friendship can be established without having romantic feelings involved.

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If you reach out to a dumper in a year or two, they may be willing to be friendly. They just need space right now.

 

This true, it just happened to me. My ex contacted me via e-mail a week ago, which is two years after he broke it off. We e-mailed back and forth and spoke today, catching up like two old friends. We both agree that we have each others numbers now and can use it from time to time, which key word for we are now acquaintances, since I don't really see it as a friendship.

 

The point is that each person needs time. For some that may be a few months, a year, or as in my case two years. If you just give them space and time it opens up the possibility that you maybe able to be friends in the future, if that is what you truly want. However, there is a possibility that you will never be friends or even speak again, but you just have to accept that and move forward. Trust me I know from experience that it is THE HARDEST thing to do, but you must because that truly is the only way that you will open up the possibility for having that person back in your life as anything if the person is not willing right after the break up.

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Depends on the situation and how much "friendship" was in the relationship to begin with. I'm friends with one ex but there's always some flirting. Another ex we hardly ever talked after we split up. The current ex..it will make sense to be friends down the line but it's too painful right now.

 

Definitely depends on the situation and the nature of the person.

If the dumper dumped you for a valid reason they most probably will not want to know you.

IF they dumped you for someone else without thought an consideration they will treat yo badly post break up even when stating they want to be friends.

The friends part is a way to make themselves feel good for what they know they have done wrong to you.

If you don't accept it generally gets worse.

Even to the point of losing friends.

 

If it was one of those rare mutual break ups then you can remain friends but still it does hurt to know that they are sleeping with someone else and finding happiness there.

 

Sounds like jealousy but I believe it's more to do with the intimacy part.

Knowing they are in someone elses bed and loving it.

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Definitely depends on the situation and the nature of the person.

If the dumper dumped you for a valid reason they most probably will not want to know you.

IF they dumped you for someone else without thought an consideration they will treat yo badly post break up even when stating they want to be friends.

The friends part is a way to make themselves feel good for what they know they have done wrong to you.

If you don't accept it generally gets worse.

Even to the point of losing friends.

 

If it was one of those rare mutual break ups then you can remain friends but still it does hurt to know that they are sleeping with someone else and finding happiness there.

 

Sounds like jealousy but I believe it's more to do with the intimacy part.

Knowing they are in someone elses bed and loving it.

But what if the person was dumped for someone else not cause they did wrong or was terrible but because someone else came along (GIGS) ?

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The thing is no is "required" to stay friends with anyone if they do not want to. It does not matter if they were your gf/bf, spouse or anything else. It is hard but that is the way life goes.

 

It's very true. Nobody ever truly owes anyone anything at all. We have this idea of entitlement, but it's not very accurate. I had a couple of friends once, and they had been dating for quite a few years. I could tell that the guy really didn't want to be in the relationship long term. It had kind of run its course for him, and he would say things like, "well, I don't believe in marriage" when people would bring it up around him.

 

At some point, he was stricken with cancer. The GF helped him from his dark times through to recovery over the course of about a year and a half. When that was through, there was no doubt that the BF STILL didn't want to be in this relationship, but now he felt even more immense guilt that he had felt before. "This woman helped me through cancer?!?"

 

Imagine the guilt as he contemplated breaking up with her. Well, at some point it happened, and they were only apart for all of 6 months, and he was already engaged to someone new. The now-ex GF fell apart.

 

Heartless bastard? Hardly. The real crime would have been to stay in a relationship with someone he could not love or completely respect. It's a way bigger crime. But still, this exaggerated sense of guilt would make it impossible to ever be friends either. After all, his empathy was not blind and worked two way. He could surely put himself in her shoes here and there and feel the pain that she must feel. And after doing that, how could one ever be "friends"? It would be such a farce.

 

Friendship is never about appeasing the other person to make them feel good. Friendship, just like a relationship, is about respect and love, and it requires a relatively equal exchange to survive, just like romance.

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But what if the person was dumped for someone else not cause they did wrong or was terrible but because someone else came along (GIGS) ?

 

Sorry not familiar with the term GIGS.

I only relate gigs to bands and rock concerts.

 

But since you explained to me this situation, I must have missed it out in what I posted.

 

If they left you because someone else came along.....possibly because they are better looking, new, mysterious, promising of a more comfortable life why not upgrade (sacrasm).

 

The person who does this was just not satisfied with what their ex had to offer, they wanted bigger and better and for many love and loyalty is just not enough.

 

Which is why if someone better comes along.....it can make you place in comparison eventually making you look not worthy enough regardless of how much love you show.

 

Yes I know it shouldn't be this way but some people rely on what someone has to offer to make them happy and not just love.

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It kind of depends on the situation. "Dumping" comes in all shapes and sizes. In some cases, the dumper might have dumped the other person because they simply lost interest. However, there are more extreme cases where the dumper felt that their 'hand' was being forced. I was the 'dumper' in my relationship with a lady who took me on an emotional roller coaster ride and their were questions of whether she was being faithful.

 

I simply had to get out and discontinue contact for awhile to get off the drama and trauma of the relationship. I did the actual 'dumping', but the whole process felt very mutual and she forced the issue with her various activities and actions. It was almost a self-fulfilling prophecy for her.

 

If you got along pretty well and you were the 'dumper' based on a lack of chemistry, it seems there would be more 'grace' to keep in touch. Alot of it is tied into the situation and the 'dumpers' need to protect their own heart.

 

You hate to hear about people who are unfaithful and dump their SO. That really sucks. That's a different category in my opinion.

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I don't see anything wrong with it - actually quite a natural reaction (imo). When people break up it's obviously because things weren't working out for them so why would one want to hang out with someone you didn't get along with? Makes sense to me.

 

are you all not reading? I said the relationship was not bad they got along great and there was nothing that I could see besides another person showed up in the picture and they got tempted and tried it and since the guilt set in of that, they had no choice but to end it. The chemistry was obviously there So i dont get it!

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Okay but what if they make passionate love with you one day and tell you they love you and want to be with you forever and marry you and the very next day dump you and cut you off cold? that makes no sense to me!!

 

I can not make sense of it either.

I have been in this situation.

They ended up going from saying inches from my face, "I love you"

Talking about the simple life to, going out clubbing with a friend and then dumping me, changing her profile to say, "I want to milk a millionaire of all his money" and posting really appalling photos of herself.

 

The only conclusion I can come up with is, they are fighting between love and the superficial qualities they desire.

 

When they make love with you, it reminds them of how much you love them leaving them not wanting anything else in the world, but once you're out of sight, something else.....maybe another person reminds them of the superficial qualities they can offer which you may not be able to....

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are you all not reading? I said the relationship was not bad they got along great and there was nothing that I could see besides another person showed up in the picture and they got tempted and tried it and since the guilt set in of that, they had no choice but to end it. The chemistry was obviously there So i dont get it!

What you are refusing to understand is that: IF the relationship was so great, they would NOT have broken up in the first place! Why is that so hard to understand?

 

So, s/he cheated. That implies things were NOT so great in the relationship because if you really love someone, you don't cheat on them, no matter how tempting (imo).

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