Boyfriend refuses to call me a nickname because it belonged to his last girlfriend.

[happyhands]

vertigoxo, you know when you said "pretend girlfriend" it suddenly became the words i think i had always been looking for.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, thank you so much for the response and if I think I can find the strength to let him talk to his ex after everything, I think I will follow your advice to a certain degree..its worth a try.

 

Oh, no Honey! I was exaggerating the opposite to make a point. Please don't take that advice seriously. The point is when you look at all the things you would 'need' to do to make this relationship run more smoothly, you would need to stop loving and respecting yourself. In your gut, you don't want to do that.

 

Sometimes you have to trust your gut.

[vertigoxo]

vertigoxo, you know when you said "pretend girlfriend" it suddenly became the words i think i had always been looking for.

 

Exactly. You're young, and I bet you're an attractive, smart, wonderful woman who deserves to have a man who truly loves you and not feel the need to use you as a rebound to get over an ex.

[greywolf]

Honestly, to me it sounds like the both of you are very controlling with each other. It's not just him. I think it really would be best if you broke up with him, and then try to figure out why you seek these kinds of situations.

[Bella20]

Uhm yea pretty much everyone on the entire world uses the nickname "baby" on their SOs.

[annie24]

Speranza, I'm 22 and he's 25. For things that make me happy, he can be supportive and romantic and gives me little gifts just to show he cares. He tells me I'm pretty and jokes around with me. He is willing to act silly along with me when I'm being a total silly weirdo. He finds those silly things I do cute and endearing. He must be proud of me since he makes point to say it often and takes lots of pictures of me when we go places on his phone. Although he refuses to place any photos of us on facebook because he thinks we don't need to publicize our relationship....I mean, I know I love him.

 

Thank you for telling me that I haven't wasted 4 years, it makes me feel better.

 

i've dated a lot of men and will tell you that most guys will tell you you are pretty, joke around with you, and give you little gifts. that's pretty standard in a relationship. that he doesn't want to put photos of you on facebook after 4 years of dating is rather weird. very weird.

 

i am agreeing with all the others who say he is still hung up on his ex. which is rather pathetic considering they broke up 4 years ago and she has a husband.

 

i think you need to just leave this guy and move on. you are too young and it's time to move onto a guy who really wants to be with you. he's already told you he doesn't want to be with you so stop beating your head against the wall and move on!!! ](*,)

 

now, if he wants to turn it around and make it seem like the breakup was his idea, fine let him. if he wants to send you a text breaking up, great. who cares who initiates it? let him do the 'official' breakup and you just move on. don't fight over who left whom!!!!

[MakestheBest]

By the way he waited 3 months after that to finally have sex with me (7 months into the relationship.)

 

she denied it and he was saying that he she didn't know anything about why he hadn't spoken to her in response to her saying i thought you would be able to talk to me now that your girlfriend isn't telling you not to.

 

 

I walked into the room to find him getting fed skittles into his mouth by two of my fellow female cast mates. I was disgusted and so hurt. And when he saw I was there and I immediately walked up to him and asked him about it he denied what I saw with my own EYES!

 

First off I want to say when I first posted I had missed a few pages ( like 3) and I was only responding to your OP. So i've gotten a lot more info since then

 

Second Off: Yes, I was rushing to post not to take Ms Darcy's comment seriously. It was oozing with irony. But she has already said as much. She's i right btw. This is what you will have to do in order to make it with this guy.

 

Third: For what I think is the first time ever I dont agree with greywolf. I dont think that you have a problem with control. I think that you have gotten to the point where you have invested so much that you don't want to give up. Also I think there is a bit of competitiveness on your part ( maybe that is what she means by control). I don't think you want to change him or make him do anything, but I think you have a need to stick it in and make your point

 

What am I on now? Fifthly? I put those quotes up there, because in the last two pages those things fill me with righteous indignation more than anything. He "saved" himself sexually in the beginning of the relationship...what? For her? He shows extreme disrespect with the skittles incident-not so much because it happened, the complete disrespect is shown by how he handled it when you caught him. My goddaughter peed the bed, it obviously came thru her clothes...and when I called her on it, she blatantly blamed her cousin whose clothes were dry...lying about obvious facts is something either a complete child would do or someone who has no respect for the intelligence and or feelings of the person they are talking to.

 

It just seems like he does what he can get away with.

 

 

And one of the posters were right when they said that it is extremely pathetic that he can't get over this woman in well over four years. Grow a set! I would encourage you heartily to tell him as much. Hopefully when You're walking out of the door.

[MakestheBest]

Yeah, if he's telling you the truth about that (that every time he hears the word "baby", in any context, he thinks of her) then he's definitely not over her.

 

By the way...this is PSYCHOTIC!! i dont give a damn if he's over her–not over her–into her or under her. If the word BABY is a problem for this dude he needs an exorcist...period>

 

He has convinced you that the word means something it doesnt ( which to me is another sign of direspect). I really have a hard time believing that he really is that attached to that word. I would choose to believe that he is actually messing with you. It may have been just a benign argument that got out of control. If he IS really that damaged he is on some Kurt Cobain crap and you need to get the Ef outta dodge.

 

Did she wear bras too? I mean are you allowed to have those on? Whats his position on shoes or long hair? Did she have two feet or are you going to need to chop one of yours off to spare his feelings. Give me a break!

[vertigoxo]

Pfft, tell me about it.

 

That man is a psycho, straight up. He can't and won't be saved and he will hit rock bottom hard.

 

The OP needs to leave unless she wants to keep him company on the rock bottom. And trust me... She won't like it there. Not one bit.

[G-Snap]

My thoughts here are that he hangs onto feelings for that ex. I can think of no other logical explanation for him refusing to call you baby, and for him looking appalled the times he did slip and call you 'baby'.

 

That is such a universal term to call a g/f or b/f that his phobia with this is really irrational and suggests he just isn't totally over her.

 

I don't think he is over her yet. And THAT is concerning after all this time. He isn't psycho just not properly exorcised the feelings for the ex. It's a problem for sure.

 

(I am sure this has been said many times in this thread, just putting my plug in agreeing)

[Speranza]

I thought Mrs Darcy's post was wonderfully ironic but I was afraid you would take it seriously. Because you are SO INVESTED in making this work. Why? What will you lose if you leave? (Obviously, a 'relationship' but I'd keep that word 'pretend' in there...)

 

If someone had posted and said, 'Honey, this is the way to keep him - walk around with no clothes on, even out to the shops if he asks, and yes, chope that foot off, SHE only had one leg... and oh, can you sleep on a bed of nails? Cos that would really turn him on..." I think you would have thought about doing it.

 

He is pathetic, but there is no need for you to be.

 

Have you ever thought about the fact that, when you are locked in a battle like this, the real 'winner' (since both of you seem to be stuck in having to win) is the one who gets what they want and doesn't care about how that happens? Letting him have the last word, if it's so precious to him, would be the really mature way to go, and whatever HE thinks, you would know for ever that you had had control over how it ended because you decided not to get involved in yet one more 'final' fight.

 

I am intrigued to know whether any of your friends have either warned you against him or simply stopped hanging out with you? Hopefully you have at least one good friend who will go with you and help you to walk away without getting into one final argument.

 

Your pattern over the last few pages has been to bring up another, unrelated point whenever someone asks a question. I know it's difficult to face reality but to those of us on the outside, it is very clear that you are being emotionally abused. But instead of just looking that fact in the face (horrible though it is) you are bringing out more and more details. It's alike being at a Murder Mystery Evening, where every so often you have some food and the characters tell you a bit more about themselves.

 

Sweetheart, we dont' need to know any more. And neither do you.

 

And for the record, I even call the CAT 'Baby' sometimes.

 

The only baby here is HIM. And we seem to have lost sight of the fact that he's actually flagged up to you that he doesn't even want this relationship to go anywhere.

 

So - by hanging in there you really ARE losing, cos you are just waiting for him to decide WHEN (not IF) it ends.

[_Asti_]

Really? This is so petty.

 

There was a perfume I just loved...unfortunately my boyfriend's ex used to wear it and when I asked for it for Christmas he said no, explained why, and would prefer if I never wore it.

 

My response "HELL YEA NO PROBLEM" Do I really want him to remember her when he smells me? Heck no. I was so happy to do that.

 

It doesn't matter if its been 4 years...Baby is still associated with her. Id be more than happy for him to never mutter those words to me if it meant he'd always think of her.

 

I haven't read the rest of the posts, but that is just my two cents from reading the original.

[Spirit25]

It would irk me too, but you got to ask yourself, are willing to lose him over a name? Sometimes you got to let things go. Fighting over small things is not worth putting a dent in the relationship. Ive learned this the hard way.

[Applewhite]

I don't think it is about the word but more about the attitude. As others have pointed out, he seems to have problems. And as you have asked, no you are not overreacting.

[lavenderdove]

When you descend into bickering about things like ONE pet name when there are a billion different pet names you could choose for one another, this is totally about a power struggle as to who gets to control the relationship and each other.

 

There are so many other things that are really important, that when you bicker over something endlessly that is easily either solved or ignored, it's a sign the relationship is all about who 'wins', and both of you are controlling types who feel you must have your own way or else it means you 'lose'. That is a really bad sign for a relationship, because it most likely means that your two personalities don't mesh well together at all, unless you both ENJOY endless power struggles.

 

Honestly, how hard is it to call each other honey rather than baby. it isn't hard at all, and if something irritates him, then let it go. you want to be in control by having him exterminate mentally his ex girlfriend from his mind (which you can't control), and he wants to let you know he in no uncertain terms is going to do and think what he wants without compromise.

 

I would say if you can't let this go and work it out by just using 'honey' or 'sweetie' or any other pet name, and not let it bother you, then you are both too controlling to be together. Controlling people work best when paired with easy going people, otherwise it is a constant struggle and never works out, so don't waste your time.

[G-Snap]

I don't see this as a power struggle on her part at all. This isn't the same as one request to not wear a certain perfume. This is about him hanging on to a universal term of endearment like 'baby' (i've called every ex b/f and current baby) and also the other things she stated that SHOUT he is not over the ex, at all. And after four years that is VERY alarming.

 

Normally I'd say yeah maybe this is a power struggle over something insignificant but the way he acts with her over this and visibily looks upset when he slips and calls her baby - its just too weird and I don't think he is over his ex.

 

The things she said below are concerning. I agree with Hike, it isn't the word in and of itself but the attitude about protecting the sanctity of this nickname of - his FIRST lover I might add. He hasn't gotten over that first love...

 

But he thinks I want to "Steal" the word from him and her. He thinks I want to erase his memories and his memories are who he is and the past did happen and I can't change it. I keep explaining I don't want to change the past or erase anything.

 

When I told him the nickname we currently have for each other is similar to baby and that's why I made it up and started calling him that, he got so vehemently angry and said he wouldn't be able to use the word anymore because it will now remind him of her and how devious I was to steal their word by warping it. He was able to throw away our nickname that he loves in a few seconds BUT cannot and will not get rid of their nickname

 

He seems to want to keep the word sacred and private for his first love forever. I find it abnormal

[tekno]

have him call you cutie, sweety, hot buns, sugar... seriously this is silly for both of you. baby is name for all my ex chicks, tell him to quit being douche and quit fighting over DUMB STUFF. Keep fighting and you will both b calling others baby

[lilypadgirl]

To later posters: This has become much more than the issue about the nickname (read earlier posts).

 

Frankly I don't care if he's still in love with his ex or not. I'm more alarmed by how he treats you!!! Even just one of the things you mentioned is more than enough to justify breaking up with, but all those things he did to you, to put you down, to sabatoge your self-esteem???

 

But I understand your mentality. Four years in an emotional abusive/manipulative/controlling relationship (yes, being super nice and then super mean counts as manipulative, you can't just see the good) is very hard to overcome. You're going to have to WANT to get out. Before you want that, genuinely want that, no one is going to be able to help you.

 

Please listen to the advice given on here and get yourself out. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship where the guy is going to consistently be good to you and make you feel like a million, billion bucks.

 

Hugs!

[G-Snap]

To later posters: This has become much more than the issue about the nickname (read earlier posts).

 

Frankly I don't care if he's still in love with his ex or not.

 

 

You might not be, but I am sure the OP isn't thrilled about that prospect. I agree, though, that his treatment of her is poor but it is likely BECAUSE he is still in love with the ex and cannot treat the OP the way she deserves because of this.

 

Also, you specified "to later posters"...not sure if you misinterpreted my post or not but I also stated this is about much more than a nickname....

[MakestheBest]

I agree, though, that his treatment of her is poor but it is likely BECAUSE he is still in love with the ex and cannot treat the OP the way she deserves because of this.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this at ALL...her boyfriend is treating her like that because he's an a**hole. He's pre-disposed to a**hole-itry. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life how you feel etc. If you treat someone who doesn't deserve it badly ( esp. for an extended period of time) that is because of who you are.

 

Also, you specified "to later posters"...not sure if you misinterpreted my post or not but I also stated this is about much more than a nickname....

 

Dont think she was talking to you.

[happyhands]

I thought I would write here to post an update and see what everyone thinks. Last night I hung out with my bf. We were nice to each other yesterday and seemed to pretend nothing had ever happened the night before with us fighting and me saying we're breaking up and him saying "no we're not, you always say that. you want me to come over and we'll kiss and hold each other?" Anway, he didn't come over that night because I was too tired, but last night he came over. So, I recently got into a silly accident and have some cuts on my face that have been worrying me, but he constantly kept telling me more than usual that I'm beautiful and he was laughing at so many of my jokes and he seemed to find me very funny more than usual and it was a great time, better than normal... But, at one point, we were kidding around and all of a sudden I was just about to wrap myself around him and say aw baby and had to stop myself. I got very upset but he didn't notice cause I played it off and I left to go to the bathroom. It felt so natural and good to say and I couldn't say it because of him. And now I am beginning to get hurt by the word when I hadn't been hurt by it only the other day before our big fight. It hurts to know he can't use it and I have to stop what feels natural for me so he's not "reminded".

 

I still dont understand why he couldn't compromise on babe...its not their exact "word".

 

Also, did anyone read a page or two back about a post I wrote about why he told me 4 years ago he was going to stop talking to his ex -because he had found out at that time that when they first broke up she had sex with some other guy and they were each other's firsts so he was disgusted- and about the conversation they had in text message (during our short break up) about how he was accusing her of sleeping with so many people after their relationship ended? Does anyone think that maybe it's not that he's not over her but just an aspect of how they broke up or something about how she suddenly went crazy and became a partying bisexual or just was able to dump a long relationship without too much pain?

 

Maybe he feels he has to do that with me now and can't commit and get too into the relationship for that reason? Cause he's always ready to flip his mood and when we broke up once for two months he accepted it so easily and was even quite cruel to me and dropped me like a hat and was ready to start looking for someone else because apparently he had already been "over the relationship before we even broke up".

He seems to have an easy time getting over me, that's for sure, but it took months with his ex...

[Applewhite]

I t shouldn't be this hard. When you are in the right relationship, things move effortlessly and there is not a lot of friction.

[Miss Firecracker]

Your thoughts are so scrambled concerning this man. For myself, there is no way I could endure this relationship. My sanity is important.

[greywolf]

When you descend into bickering about things like ONE pet name when there are a billion different pet names you could choose for one another, this is totally about a power struggle as to who gets to control the relationship and each other.

 

 

This is what I meant by my post. Having read the other posts, I think it's normal she'd become a little controlling since it seems the whole relationship is out of control.

 

There are certain things that make me believe that. First, telling someone you're going to end a relationship over something is a form of control. Admittedly, she does have a lot of reasons to leave this guy, but when you turn it into an ultimatum, it is a way to manipulate. There's another post where she said she starts a lot of fights with her boyfriend. And another where she wouldn't allow her bf to talk to his ex when they first got together. Not letting your partner talk to certain people is one of the most controlling things you can do IMO.

 

OP, I'm not trying to say that your bf isn't at fault, because from what I've read, he sounds like a real douche. But a relationship involves two individuals, and usually both individuals contribute problems to the relationship.

[annie24]

but you know what - why is she even playing such a big role in his life? they broke up 4 years ago. he's been with you for another 4 years! he needs to get over with. shouldn't he be more concerned at this stage about YOU and your feelings and what you need? it doesn't sound as though he takes you very seriously.