How to get to know a step-daughter who lives far away

[Car Chick]

My bf is much older than me (44 and 20). He has a 14 year old daughter. She lives far away so we can't get together to go see a movie or something to try to get to know each other. I sent her a friend request on Facebook and she hasn't added me yet. I really want to get to know her. Her dad and I are talking marriage and I don't even know this girl. It's really hurting me that she hasn't added me yet. I know it's awkward for her, but it is for me too and I'm just trying to do the right thing here. I thought it was supposed to count for something when your dad's gf wants to know you. I have friends with step-parents that don't care about them and I never want to do that to her, but it seems almost like it's the other way around here. Any suggestions?

[Seraphim]

I am not sure I have an suggestions for you. I am sure she is finding it hard though because you are not so much older than her realistically. She might get to enjoy you as a friend, but it might be hard for her to see you as her step parent. Also what comes into play here is her own mother and her attitude towards this relationship. If you want to be her step parent you can not be upset and wonder why she does not want to accept you. You want to be the parent now you no longer have that leisure since she is the child. Just go it slow. Be patient

[Jd1983]

Take it one day at a time. Everything is all new to her. She might feel a little awkward that your ages are so close. Give her some time to get to know you better and hopefully she will eventually open up to you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

If I was 14 and my dad was dating someone 6 years older than me, I'd want her to stay the hell away from me.

[itsallgrand]

I'd suggest consistently doing small things that you can to show her you do have an interest in knowing her (as she is ready to do) but that you aren't going to force it on her.

 

Over time, if you and her father do end up being together a long time as you have planned, maybe even the rest of your lives, she will have the chance to see you in action and eventually, I'd bet my money on it, if you do it right she will soften and over time accept you and maybe more.

 

It doesn't surprise me in the least that she is resistant to knowing you, and she might be for a long time. Don't take it personally, because it isn't.

 

Well, speaking as someone who at 14 was introduced to a soon-to-be stepfather and was right mad and resistant to it, I gave that man a real run for his money, and having grown to really truly love and respect that man over time, I'll give you some tips of what I felt and saw him do that helped me:

 

Patience. Everlasting patience and a willingness to keep reaching out, and also knowing when to not push and respect my feelings and boundaries.

Respect. Respect for himself, respect for my mom, respect for me, respect for my father and all the relationships there.

Humour. He was funny, and he could take things with humour, and he was fun to be around.

Listening. He listened more than he talked to me. That meant a lot!

 

Well I could go on and on, but those are some big ones. Give it time, time, time.

[Miss Firecracker]

You can't make someone like you.

[Car Chick]

I am not sure I have an suggestions for you. I am sure she is finding it hard though because you are not so much older than her realistically. She might get to enjoy you as a friend, but it might be hard for her to see you as her step parent. Also what comes into play here is her own mother and her attitude towards this relationship. If you want to be her step parent you can not be upset and wonder why she does not want to accept you. You want to be the parent now you no longer have that leisure since she is the child. Just go it slow. Be patient

 

I know. I just want us to be more of friends really. I would feel way to weird trying to be a mom to her and I know she'd hate it too.

 

As far as her mom and step-dad go, I don't know if they even know about me at all yet.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If I was 14 and my dad was dating someone 6 years older than me, I'd want her to stay the hell away from me.

 

I second that emotion. In fact, I would probably be furious with dad for being with someone young enough to be my slightly older sister.

[Car Chick]

Take it one day at a time. Everything is all new to her. She might feel a little awkward that your ages are so close. Give her some time to get to know you better and hopefully she will eventually open up to you.

 

That's the problem. We aren't even getting to know each other. When my bf was visiting down there we talked on the phone a couple of times, but he's back here now and we haven't talked since then. I want us to get to know each other, but I don't know how right now.

[itsallgrand]

 

As far as her mom and step-dad go, I don't know if they even know about me at all yet.

 

What? Ok, that's crazy! IMO.

 

Why don't they know? How long have you been together? So they don't know about you, and they don't know you want to have some sort of relationship with her?

 

The plot thickens.

[Car Chick]

If I was 14 and my dad was dating someone 6 years older than me, I'd want her to stay the hell away from me.

 

: ( I hope she doesn't feel that way about me.

[Seraphim]

Just know it is a really awkward situation and give it time. Another thing too about FB she probably does not want her dad to have an "in" to see her FB page.Teenagers are pretty private creatures as I am sure you know. It is like letting your dad and his wife read your diary. UGH. Really, just be patient.

[Car Chick]

Thank you so much. This really, really helps. Maybe when her dad and I actually do get married, she let me reach out more because she'll see that I'm here to stay.

[Car Chick]

What? Ok, that's crazy! IMO.

 

Why don't they know? How long have you been together? So they don't know about you, and they don't know you want to have some sort of relationship with her?

 

The plot thickens.

 

I don't know if they know about me or not. I've never met them. They live in another city and my bf can't stand them. I barely even know here, nonetheless the parents who I doubt will fancy the idea of her dad dating a girl young enough to be his daughter.

[Car Chick]

Just know it is a really awkward situation and give it time. Another thing too about FB she probably does not want her dad to have an "in" to see her FB page.Teenagers are pretty private creatures as I am sure you know. It is like letting your dad and his wife read your diary. UGH. Really, just be patient.

 

I can understand that. I remember how mad my mom was when she found out I had a myspace and didn't tell her. I didn't want her to see my friends bulletins and things and try to judge my friendships and such. Of course now my mom and I are friends on facebook and myspace and we play games on there together.

[Seraphim]

I would not be pushing to know his daughter if they know nothing about you. That could backfire on you in ways you could never imagine. I would raise Cane if my husband's gf (hypothetical) contacted my son on FB and I knew nothing about anything. I would be coming down the pike like a freight train.

[agent1607307371]

Victoria66 +1

 

How long have you been with your BF?

 

Have you met in RL? Have you spoken with this girl?

 

Are you sure she knows about you?

 

 

Also, don't forget that some people are picky about who they have on FB. Both my parents have accounts and I haven't added them. It's a website, don't make it into a bigger deal than it is - which isn't very much.

 

Ultimately, it's good that you want to get to know her, but realise that she might not share that sentiment and it's not something you can push. You just have to be superhumanly nice to her and hope she comes round.

[annie24]

what is your bf's relationship with his daughter? can she come out and visit you guys?

 

i agree, you have to take it slow, you cannot force yourself upon her. you have to admit that you would be weirded out if your mom or dad had a new bf or gf who was 26. look at things from her perspective.

[itsallgrand]

Seems to me the first order of business would be speaking to your bf about getting the word out about you to his daughter's mom.

 

I would hold back from further attempts to contact the daughter until she at least knows about you for sure, that the mom knows, and that she has had a bit of time to process too.

[turnera]

I'm sure she wants nothing to do with you because she finds the situation distasteful, as many people will, with a 20 year old dating a man in his 40s. Especially if it's your father and the girl could be your sister. Her opinion is probably 'gross.'

 

That said, the only thing I can think to do is to either get your bf to bring you along to visit her, or else to possibly send her a card. No matter what, if you intend to be her stepmother, you have to act like an adult, not her friend.

[Cognitive_Canine]

: ( I hope she doesn't feel that way about me.

 

It's nothing against you. You could be absolutely perfect and this girl would want nothing to do with you. Her problem is with her father's choice (which you become a representative of), not anything against you.

 

Try and think of it from her point of view. If your parents got divorced a few years ago and your father was dating a 24 year old, how would you feel?

[whes]

It might take longer than you think. My dad remarried when I was 13 and it took a few years before my stepmom and I became close. It happened when my Dad was away for a few months and we had to live together, and get along or go crazy. Spend some alone time with her, if possible, or find something that the two of you can do together on a regular basis. You should try to develop a connection with her that doesn't involve her father.

[turnera]

It's nothing against you. You could be absolutely perfect and this girl would want nothing to do with you. Her problem is with her father's choice (which you become a representative of), not anything against you.

 

Try and think of it from her point of view. If your parents got divorced a few years ago and your father was dating a 24 year old, how would you feel?

 

Very true!

[catfeeder]

I would leave this up to fiance to usher the relationship in his own time, in his own way. While he might tell you it's okay to pursue his daughter on your own, that's like sticking your chin out hoping she won't deliver a blow. Once she pops you, she can't take it back, fiance can't change it, and the whole situation becomes a thousand times harder for ALL to navigate.

 

I'd leave this between fiance and daughter until he pulls you in. With him in charge of it, she's more likely to remain on better behavior, and your opening will be better paved. If you leave the reservation, you may not be prepared for the unguarded hostility of a 14 year old with daddy issues--and that would be the toughest (and most unwise) place of all to position yourself. Patience.

[Car Chick]

I would not be pushing to know his daughter if they know nothing about you. That could backfire on you in ways you could never imagine. I would raise Cane if my husband's gf (hypothetical) contacted my son on FB and I knew nothing about anything. I would be coming down the pike like a freight train.

 

I didn't say they don't know, people keep talking about that, she's probably told them. I don't know. I've never met her parents, I don't really care if they like me, my bf doesn't even like them. I just want to get to know his daughter. He has very little contact with his ex, they only contact he has with her is for his daughter. I don't care if they like me or not. They don't even like my bf.