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imani32

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Hello all, this is my first time posting so I am I chose the right thread to post my question under. I have been reading and following alot of stories on ENA. I love this forum great information and shared experiences.

 

Well here is my story. I dated this guy for a few years about 2.5yrs and unfortunately our time together was met with a lot of challenges due to timing of our relationship. I was not in an emotional place to offer him the type of relationship he desired. He wanted marriage and I wasn't ready so I couldnt reciprocate his affection. In December 2008 he was still pulling for me to be with him and at this point I had emotionally checked out and was absolutely not interested in pursuing or staying connected in a relationship. As of December 2008 he made the decision to go into NC and move on. Fast forward to May 2009 I realized he had stopped calling, txting, or emailing and my Mother kept asking if I ever hear from him. I decided to send him an email in May 2009 to touch base and see how he was doing. He responded back to the email and said he had been fine and was glad to hear from me. We exchanged a few emails and he closed the final one with "i think of you often" I didn't know how to interpret that because it had been five months of no contact. We did briefly speak on the phone and he was very distant, but nice. I did most of the talking and he listened, but kept a safe distance silence during the conversation. I asked if he would like to reconnect as friends and he didn't really say yes or no. He was vague, but nice. That all happened in May 2009. I decided he seemed to uncomfortable being friends and talking to me so I left him alone.

 

I didn't hear from him in June/July/August then he sent me a random email in September asking how I was doing...vague and casual. I responded in kind and kept it light and friendly. Then he sent me an email in Oct same level of content vague and casual. I responded. He initiated most of the email contact one a month or twice a month and I continue to respond friendly and casual. In January he sent me a happy new year email and I responded back. Then at the end of january we spoke on the phone for nearly 3hrs it was a fun conversation we both enjoyed it. At this point I realized I wanted to be more connected with him I wanted to talk and email on a more consistent basis. I text him that I did still care about him and guess what...he went silent didn't respond to my text or anything. So, I called him on the phone and we spoke about 30 mins and he was very nice and understanding, but gave the impression that during our relationship the timing was bad and he was implying that we both had friends in our life and he was finding it difficult to be friends. I told him I respect him and his wishes and we could end the contact/friendship if he wasn't comfortable. I will honor his wishes and move on. Then he ended the convo by saying he did want to stay in touch??? Confusing?? He never implied he wanted to reconcile?? This being the same man professing love, marriage and everything with me, but I could never reciprocate.

 

Well two weeks after that conversation he emailed me a pleasant email I responded back and now we are corresponding via email at least once a week. He has initiated one email and I have initiated two. I decided this week that I would back off and move on, but I feel our conversations are vague, distant and ambivalent. Not sure why he would want a friendship with me if he isn't comfortable? When I suggested moving on, he wanted to remain in contact.

 

My question is what is going on with him? Should I just leave him be and move on? Is it up to me to regain his trust and make him comfortable? At a standstill not sure if getting back together is even an option. Or is this the time I need to be patient? He does email, but never calls?? Just don't know what to do, please give me so advice.

 

Sorry its soooo long.

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He doesn't really want you as a friend. He wants you in his life as his wife and although he stays in contact under the pretense of a friend it only because that is all that you are willing to give so he fights within himself whether to take the crumbs you are throwing him. The bottom line is he is holding on to hope and you are enabling him because that's where you want him.

 

Why did you contact him when he stopped calling? He'd obviously got to the point where he'd decided to try his hardest to let that false hope go. You had to know after all that time that you are his weakness and you contacting him would reignite that hope. If you didn't know, now you know. So please decide if you want to be with him or not. If not the yes, leave him alone, he can't be your friend, his heart won't let him.

 

The above is based on my experience with my ex who also wasn't in a place that he wanted to be married when I wanted to. He broke up with me then contacted me two years later and if must admit it even then I had a slight amount of hope, but he only contacted me to apologize for the way he acted.

 

Also, I just reread your last paragraph. Did you actually tell him you want to get back together? It seems like you expect him to take a clue that you may want to and go after you hard. Of course if you want him back you have to go after him and gain his trust back. But my guess is if he does come begging you again you will lose interest again because you are not really sure that its what you want.

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Well here is my story. I dated this guy for a few years about 2.5yrs and unfortunately our time together was met with a lot of challenges due to timing of our relationship. I was not in an emotional place to offer him the type of relationship he desired. He wanted marriage and I wasn't ready so I couldnt reciprocate his affection. In December 2008 he was still pulling for me to be with him and at this point I had emotionally checked out and was absolutely not interested in pursuing or staying connected in a relationship.

 

We exchanged a few emails and he closed the final one with "i think of you often" I didn't know how to interpret that because it had been five months of no contact.

 

He never implied he wanted to reconcile?? T

 

He never implied he wanted to reconcile. He just told you he wanted you to be his wife and never changed that. After what a year he said he still thinks of you often. You told him you wouldn't marry him , but are changing your mind. Why would he need to imply he wants to reconcile? It seems like you want this man to come back begging on all fours. He is obviously giving you every sign, but after being rejected so many times it can be hard to keep setting himself up. You have to put away your pride and go back and flat out tell him you want to reconcile, if that's what you want. The worse that can happen, which I doubt will by how he acts, is that he could say he doesn't want to . But you of all people should understand that because you felt the same way once.

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Thank you princess!!! I understand everything you have said.

 

I didn't actually use the exact words "I want to reconcile" but I put my feelings out there like I did deeply care about you and I could never relegate you to just a friend...I sent this via text (coward) I know, but he didn't respond back with anything??

 

Then I spoke to him like 4 days later and he seemed like he wanted to move on and didn't want to entertain a reconcile. I did most of the talking and he was like yes I understand our time together was summed up "as bad timing" he was like I don't think I will marry until I am like 50yr and if I (me) got married would I retain my friendships with men? Then he said something to the effect that we both have friends in our life meaning new people. I listened, I didn't try to fight what he was saying, but everything coming out of his mouth was like an objection to reconciling? I got confused and said I will respect his wishes and move on then he ended the conversation like we can stay in contact that is like being friends, right? I told him to do what he felt comfortable with. I believe I did a horrible job of coming right out and saying I would like to try again because I was reading his vibes as he was no longer interested in that?? He kept implying he had moved on. I was willing to accept that and move on.

 

Then like clockwork two weeks later he sends a nice email to open up dialogue again. I responded in kind? I want to open up a connection and YES I would like to reconnect on a mature mutual basis. Just not sure if again, the timing is off and I should give him more time/space until he feels comfortable with the idea? He doesn't seem sure he wants to reopen himself and his heart again. I can respect that I understand my inability to give him what he wanted hurt him. If he wants me to move on and leave him alone I would.

 

I went back after five months because I was ready to give him 100% effort to become a full participant/reciprocator in a relationship with him. Now I believe he is not sure he wants that from me?

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It seems that you have to stop taking queues from him. He was hurt and understandably he doesn't want to open himself up to that again if he is not sure it is worth it. You have to put aside what he is doing, its natural he was dumped so to speak. As the dumper I think you have to set aside the pride and fear of rejection and tell him that you are 100% ready to give him the effort and reciprocate and ONLY if you really are sure of this. You will have to follow that up with actions.

 

I went through something similar as I said and in my opinion he is leaving the line of communication open for you to be able to fight for him and prove you are ready. But by you not telling him and retreating when he is doing what anyone dumped would do you are showing that you are sure. I know you may think that this role of going all out and putting your feeling out there and showing up with candy and flowers (just examples)and asking to forgiveness and to be taken back is for a man. But it's not it for the person that left and wants to come back whether male or female.

 

Go get your man girl, before it is truly to late. And be prepared for him to give resistance, its up to you to prove to him that you've really changed so its ONLY if you truly have.

 

Good Luck.

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Just the fact that he wrote "I think of you often" pretty much sums up he wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be your friend. No way! Why would he want that. He was implying that he does not want to be your friend but he wants to keep contact meaning "I want you to give me another chance".

 

He's waiting for you to give him another chance right now and he won't ever ask you because you dumped him. He already put his heart out for you and now it's your turn to swallow your pride ask him out for some coffee (to test the waters) and then tell him that you would like to try being together again.

 

You might need to apologize as well...and give him a sincere effort here. You gotta do all the moves but it's pretty ovious that he is waiting for you.

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Go get your man girl, before it is truly to late. And be prepared for him to give resistance, its up to you to prove to him that you've really changed so its ONLY if you truly have.

 

Good Luck.

 

This. PrincessBot is absolutely right. He pursued you, only to be shut down several times. He is now doing what any self respecting person would do after so much time apart. He is understandably wary of putting himself out there again.

 

If you want this man back you are going to have to be the one to go to him. You are going to have to make it clear by telling him straight up that you want him back. Like Princessbot said, prepare for some resistance. If he resists a little, keep it up and try to assure him that you are serious about this.

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Thanks everyone for your responses!! As the dumper I am prepared to set my pride to the side!! Yes, I am a little afraid of rejection, but even that isn't enough to stop me! I feel he is worth it!! I don't want to push, so I have been reading his queues as a green light/red light approach. I don't mind pursuing him and giving him reassurance. I just need to know he is still open I will do the work to regain his trust.

 

From our last convo when he said he probably wouldn't get married until he is 50yr and our relationship ended due to bad timing and his whole energy was sending me signals that he is no longer open to us. I froze and didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I would call him more, but I say call me when you want to talk I don't want to press you and his response is always-thank you I appreciate that! As if to say, don't call me I don't want to talk w/you unless I call? So many confusing and odd messages/signals. I never knew it would be this hard, but again I am willing to do the work.

 

As it stands now, I initiate and email (thoughtful) every week and he responds back. I sent one on thursday stating I was "thinking about him and his family" he didn't respond back on thursday and responded first thing friday morning. General, nice vague response no connection to what I said. I really want him, but Lord he gives me NO real signs that I should move full speed ahead.

 

Thank you all for reading and responding to my post I need much encouragement as I move along this journey!!!

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Oh...about 1 month ago I had this old email he had sent me back in 2006 shortly after we started dating and the email said "I'm thinking of you and I can't seem to take this big smile off my face" I forwarded this to him one month ago and I made the comment "Um, how do I restore this smile? Through prayer maybe God will grant

me an opportunity." He NEVER responded to the email. I try to give him subtle hints that I want to reconcile without shoving the idea down his throat. When he didn't respond back I went back to being general and not pushing...

 

Any advice on this one??

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Jbaker that would be the ideal next step. But his job moved him away in August 2008 so meeting face to face isn't possible at the moment. Challenges all the way around...

 

So, are you saying I have a strong buy-in from him? Even though his resistance gives the impression he isn't open? Trying to gain clarity.

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I think a good next step would be to meet a few times.You two have been keeping in regular touch through e-mail and it has been positive. Ask him if he would like to meet you for dinner sometime soon when he has time.

 

I was just about to write the same thing to Imani... It sees like it is time to meet face to face. Maybe for coffee or something quick to see how things go. Then if things go good maybe lunch the next time then dinner. There are some things that just can't be relayed by e-mail or even the phone, especially when trying to get back together.

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Jbaker that would be the ideal next step. But his job moved him away in August 2008 so meeting face to face isn't possible at the moment. Challenges all the way around...

 

So, are you saying I have a strong buy-in from him? Even though his resistance gives the impression he isn't open? Trying to gain clarity.

 

 

I recently signed up for a Skype account, you can call the person either with just voice or voice and video, you both just need to have a webcam. If he doesn't have one then buy one and mail it to him. Remember you are trying to get him back so showing him how much you want to see him will get you extra points so to speak.

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I am not entirely sure what you mean by a strong buy-in. But I think the responsibility for trying to get back together falls completely on you. If you wait for him to make a move you will likely be waiting forever. He has obviously not closed the door on you. I think if you pursue him you will have a good chance of getting to a place where you two can seriously discuss whether moving towards getting back together is what is best.

 

I think the reasons for his resistance are clear. He tried hard to get you back before, and not only once. When someone is rejected like that, the assumption for them then becomes "I have done all that I can for us - even making a fool of myself. If she wants me back now, she will come to me. Obviously pursuing her does not work."

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I recently signed up for a Skype account, you can call the person either with just voice or voice and video, you both just need to have a webcam. If he doesn't have one then buy one and mail it to him. Remember you are trying to get him back so showing him how much you want to see him will get you extra points so to speak.

 

I was about to suggest the same thing! We are on the same wavelength, I think.

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Thanks to you both! Both make valid points. I will offer the skype and webcam suggestion, but before I do will that be to forward? I once asked him to send me a picture mail of himself and guess what he said "let me get back to you" that was weeks ago. I left it alone and never asked again. Its things like that that make me fall back and keep it casual.

 

It is snowing where I live and I sent him a picture mail this morning to show him all the snow and he responded back with Man! I don't miss it. He use to live here too...then I responded back like "spring cant get her soon enuf" and he responded back with "I no! It is pretty." I don't think I need to respond back? Its just general chit chat.

 

As long as I keep it general he is a quick responder, but if I venture down another path such as requesting a picture mail or expressing my feelings he runs under a rock and goes quiet. Again, I don't mind pursuing, but why pursue if he runs at the sight of me going down that path? Thanks for the suggestion, I will broach that with him to see what type of response I get!!1

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I did respond back to his text by saying "you are right, it is all in how you look at it. the snow is pretty" thxs. Then I sent him another picture mail of the snow and said I was getting bummed out about the snow, but you have given me a different perspective. Thank you and take care. He responded back and said "you r a mess ttyl" which I had previously told him when he says that to me that I like it. I feel very positive today that he was very warm and receptive.

 

I still need much encouragement!!, Thanks

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Hi Imani. I've checked out your post as you asked in my post and I agree 100% with everyone else here....he's just being very wary in his contact with you until he feels more sure of what you want. Everytime you come towards him he responds, then he draws a line in the sand saying he's not wanting to be friends (i.e. not wanting to be JUST friends) and then when you back away to help him feel safer, he thinks you're leaving again and gets scared and comes towards you. All very confusing for you I'm sure but I'm certain all it means is he still wants more than a freindship with you and can't figure out whether you want the same or not.

 

He's most likely only wary of meeting you face to face or speaking on the phone because it's more personal and more likely to open his heart up to you even further....meaning it'll be that much more painful if you were to shoot him down again and friend-zone him. Texting and emails keeps a safe distance where he can keep you at a safe arms length somewhat. I really think you should be more proactive with your contact....contact him more often (once every few days....this will show him you're enjoying his company while also giving him his space) and just keep slowly increasing the lovingness....I know that's not really a word, but I just mean gradually ease into the very light flirting and compliments and that should show him that you're interested in more.

 

Just make sure you really ARE interested in more though Imani....if you get him back and then break his heart again you'll most likely never get him back again....not even as a friend

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Thanks Johnny I agree with everything you are saying. It makes perfect sense. As the dumper trying to come back we are just as confused with the reconciliation process as well. It is a very confusing process.

 

Like last Thursday I sent him an email and I eased into what you term more lovingness by saying "I was thinking of you and your family" He responded back saying "thank you for thinking of us" almost like thanks, but I don't want to let you know I was thinking about you? I know it will be work and an enormous amount of patience, but this is much harder than I had anticipated. I am willing to try these things, but his behavior and distance keeps me pushing/pulling and I don't know how to break from this cycle? I am open to all and any suggestions!

 

Thanks for your insight and advice.

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Ok guys I sent him a text this morning because my Sis is harrassing me about pursuing him more and getting him back. I wanted to keep the text light and fun without making him run for the hills.

 

Here it goes "Good Morning, happy Sunday! I wanted to let you know you have a "secret" supporter. I can't tell you who it is, but boy you should hire them as your Public Relations person LOL. They represent you well. Have a blessed day today. TTYL"

 

Any feedback on this will be helpful. Was this direct enough without being too pushy? This stuff is hard!!

 

Thanks guys for reading and responding.

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Ok guys I sent him a text this morning because my Sis is harrassing me about pursuing him more and getting him back. I wanted to keep the text light and fun without making him run for the hills.

 

Here it goes "Good Morning, happy Sunday! I wanted to let you know you have a "secret" supporter. I can't tell you who it is, but boy you should hire them as your Public Relations person LOL. They represent you well. Have a blessed day today. TTYL"

 

Any feedback on this will be helpful. Was this direct enough without being too pushy? This stuff is hard!!

 

Thanks guys for reading and responding.

 

So, out of curiosity, you want to get back with him and marry him?

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When we met in 2006 I had just moved to the area where he was living I had just got out of serious relationship and emotionally my head wasn't right. He was VERY ready for a relationship. I explained to him my state of mind and asked that he take it slow. He rushed everything at 5 months he was professing love and marriage. I told him I didn't feel comfortable making those type of decisions due to my emotional state. It seemed like I could never catch up with him and reciprocate his affections. Eventually I grew more and more disinterested and he was still pining and pulling for me. When we talk now we both sum our relationship up as "bad timing" there was no betrayal or trust issues. I couldn't catch up with him in terms of his affection towards to me. Now I feel more equipped and ready to reciprocate and be present in a healthy relationship. Emotionally I am stronger and I realize I can offer him everything he wanted from me at the time I couldn't give it to him??

 

Any thoughts?

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Sorry to keep asking questions with no thoughts. I'm wondering in part trying to think from his perspective. Did you try to date others when you were apart? Is there some part of you now that wants him as a safety blanket?

 

(BTW, please don't take my questions as grilling. I'm pulling for you 8))

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