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I have posted a thread in the sucide section on why I wanted to end my life. But before you read that read this thread first before you go back to the sucide page. You see the thing is I had alot of goals in my life. I had my life planned out. I knew what I wanted to do as far as education wise, work wise. I also use to be in perfect shape too and working out like crazy everyday for 2 hours at the gym. I actually wanted to accoplish something in my life before I hit the age of 30, and in June I'll be 30. Now, for some people think that 30 is not a big deal. But for some people it might be and might think that everything is over by the time they hit the age 30 I'm one of those people that it is a big deal for me. And for some time my life started to turn around comptelty.

 

I've had some bad influences in my life. The first relationship I got into my 1st boyfriend at the time being was a drug addict. My 2nd boyfriend was emotionally abusive towards me for 2 years. My 3rd boyfriend was a maniac and been abusing me for 4 1/2 years. Now, I usually dont like to talk about this and have not brought it up for along time. A family member of mine Physically Abused me. Which I have not told my family and I dont plan to either. Which my 13 year old sister think I should but I dont like the family to have feude with other family so thats one thing i'm trying to avoid. I had a rough 3 1/2 year marriage. At one point I wanted to have a family of my own. So I thought why not give marriage a try. I tried that it was nothing but arguing, nonstop fighting, smashing things, throwing things on my end. Life for me was nothing but hell and all I ever wanted was a normal life. I was diagnosed with depression sense I was 13.

 

I was taken to the DR and got placed on medication when I was 13. I cant remember clearly if I stopped taking the meds or not. I was young then.

During my marriage i got placed on Pscyh Ward, 3-4 hospital stay's and being eveulated on what the hell it was I was going through. I tried different therpy, I tried different sort of meds, yes I tried to attempt sucide before. I let myself go competely as far as health wise. My blood pressure was going off the charts, I had constant migranes, I had gained so much weight. My life was a nightmare. Yes, i understand that i am out of it now. But the thought of it haunts me every single freakin day.

 

Did I have breakdowns? A bunch of times. The thought of going to so many different Dr's and seeing what was wrong with me and why I cant control myself was to much for me to handel. It be like from one Dr to another and running so many blood tests still nothing could had been diagnosed. I haven't slept well in over 5 years now. Did I get help for my sleep problems. No, I didnt. I dont even know if i have imsonia or not.

 

So I get out of my divorce and take the time off from the world and everything revolving around me and start taking coures and everytime I did I couldn't hang on to it. I would keep dropping and dropping unti I get placed on probation for ever getting fincial aid. I thought school would keep me busy it didnt. Was I getting better during my divorce process? No, I didnt. I became much worst actually. I was so lonely. I had no one.

Was becoming severly depressed again tried to attempt sucide.

 

After taking months off from everything and giving myself the time to heal and to get over everything that happened it took me a while to get out of the way I was at. I started dating again. ( Yes, I was placed on meds at that time ) I was okay enough to be handel everything. So i go on a date with a guy i met online. Turns out he abused me emotionally and tried to abuse me phsycially but got away. 2nd guy I dated turns out abusing me emotionally, mentally, and physically. Ended up being placed in the hospital about 2 times. He was a psychopath. 3rd guy I went out with was nothing but interested in the physical. 4th guy I went out with used me phsycially and threw me away like a piece of trash at the end he tells me he got married and its been 2 days I am in shock. Try to imagine a guy comes up and tells you they like you but weeks after finding out that they never did. And imagine sleeping with that person. And ends up telling you they got married. Still in shock after 2 days.

 

And now I am lost, confused, furious, dont know were my life is headed anymore. I tried therpy, group therpy, nothing is working for me anymore. My life was never like this. I was so much better before all these started happening to me. I was once happy in my life. Now, its nothing anymore and I dont have any direction in my life anymore. Anytime I try to come and pick it back up its always falling down and I'm so sick and tierd of having to deal with life itself, or dealing with crazy maniacs like these. Everytime I get into school and situation like these comes up for me my mind seems to go blank and cant concentrate on anything anymore. And end up failing the class. My life was never like this. Which is the reason why I want to end things because I dont think my life will get any better than this. Please give me one good reason on why I should stick around for something that is not there anymore? What have I ever done wrong in my life to get were I am at?

 

I use to have high hope. I dont anymore. I competley lost my self esteem, self control, anytime I met up with a guy they make fun of the way I look. Or I always get put down. I really cant take this anymore. This is what my problem is. If anyone has a solution for me on how to handel this i'm all ears to listen. Sorry for the long post.

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I've read your past post and sorry to hear you're going through all this.

 

I think it's best to find your inner peace first. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems as though you are trying so many things at one time including relationships. When certain situations don't have the right outcome, everything else seems to come crashing down at the same time. Is that pretty accurate?

 

Maybe it's best to take each situation one step at a time and ignore the rest. Fix or improve one situation each day and find the balance in between. You don't need to have everything perfect. It's okay if one thing doesn't work. Everything in this world is about balance, if you find yourself imbalanced, it's time to take a deep breathe and focus on that issue one at a time.

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