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Gaming affecting my relationship


Mtn.borngirl

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Allow me to introduce myself,

 

My Name is Jenn, This is my first post, I hope to find needful advice here and support from other women.

 

I've had an issue with my boyfriend of 4 years. Over the last year or so He has developed a serious addiction to Video games and magic the gathering (a card game).

 

I spend most of my time alone since this is what fills up a majority of his time. He plays games from the moment he wakes up til bed time, Except bathroom breaks and food. He often leaves to go play games with his friends, often being gone for 9+ hours at a time.

 

Getting attention from him is like pulling teeth. Even getting him to stop and just go to the store with me is a battle which I usually lose. We used to do so much together. It seems the only time I get next to him is when he is snoring next to me in bed. Even that is uneventful as we are not intimate very much anymore.

 

It never used to be like this, Our relationship was amazing before he got into gaming. In fact I'd never been happier. I'm at a loss of how to regain that back. I've gone as far as trying to create a date night, and doing special things for him, Nothing works. He still doesn't seem to grasp how left out of his life I feel. I have told him why and he get's all defensive of his games.

 

I could really use some advice, I know the man I fell for is there somewhere. I really don't want to have to end my relationship over this.

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What would you have to lose by sending him the link to this posting?

 

If he isn't aware of how you feel, how can he be expected to change?

 

Sounds like ultimatum time to me...video games or the girl. Please don't be upset if he doesn't choose you though, it can be a pretty serious problem.

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What would you have to lose by sending him the link to this posting?

 

If he isn't aware of how you feel, how can he be expected to change?

 

Sounds like ultimatum time to me...video games or the girl. Please don't be upset if he doesn't choose you though, it can be a pretty serious problem.

 

 

He is aware, I've made it clear countless times. His frame of mind is if he ignores it, it will go away.

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He has to want to change. You can't make him and he will resent you if you try to make him stop his gaming.

 

My ex was very into WoW and Magic the Gathering (he had BOXES and BOXES of those cards). When I first started to date him, I tried to get into WoW and Magic the Gathering, but couldn't see the fun in it. His gaming hurt our relationship and led to its disintegration. He tried to change for me but couldn't stay away from the gaming. I tried to get involved in it, but didn't like it. At the end, we just weren't compatible at all.

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Yes, he is addicted. And it is as serious an addiction as drugs or alcohol at least in its effects of his life and yours.

 

Are there any other friends and family that are aware of this?

 

 

He has a huge family, his friends all play games too. I'm very hesitant to bring the issue to his family. I think it would only make things worse between us.

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He has to want to change. You can't make him and he will resent you if you try to make him stop his gaming.

 

My ex was very into WoW and Magic the Gathering (he had BOXES and BOXES of those cards). When I first started to date him, I tried to get into WoW and Magic the Gathering, but couldn't see the fun in it. His gaming hurt our relationship and led to its disintegration. He tried to change for me but couldn't stay away from the gaming. I tried to get involved in it, but didn't like it. At the end, we just weren't compatible at all.

 

That's what I'm worried about

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I'm a gamer myself and have had this conversation with people in similar situations. There are a lot of games now that involve other people and schedules and long sittings to accomplish something. While I feel it's definitely okay to have a hobby, he should still make time for you if you ask for it. I would start with asking for a specific day and time to spend a few hours with you exclusively. Give him a few days notice. People who game a lot with other people feel like they have an obligation to play a certain role which is part of the draw of games like that, it's a very important feeling. Tell him you miss having a good solid block of time when it's just the two of you doing something fun. Get out and away from the console/table. It's not a very good feeling to have schedule time with your boyfriend like that, but it's an understanding and accepting way to try to reintroduce yourself in to his life. Putting up a fight about it will push him farther in to a world where he doesn't have to argue with you.

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My ex and her wow addiction played a big role in her dumping me. She found new 'friends' and a new 'life' in the game. I became a bother and annoying. At some point he will choose the games if you don't talk this out and get it into a proper respective. As DN says it's as bad and life altering as any addiction.

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Unfortunately, all of my girlfriends have had to breakup with their boy to get them to actually change. A few got back together after the guy got his act together. But, most of the girls ended up saying no when the guy asked for them back.

 

One of my friends would literally get naked in front of him and ask him to stop playing...and he'd chose the games. He stopped gaming after she broke up with him. But she refused to get back together with him after he was begging for her back. She was hurt too much by him.

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Unfortunately, all of my girlfriends have had to breakup with their boy to get them to actually change. A few got back together after the guy got his act together. But, most of the girls ended up saying no when the guy asked for them back.

 

One of my friends would literally get naked in front of him and ask him to stop playing...and he'd chose the games. He stopped gaming after she broke up with him. But she refused to get back together with him after he was begging for her back. She was hurt too much by him.

 

 

I have actually done that with his game controller taped to my hiney. all it got was a laugh and get out of his way. It is very hurtful. I gave to ultimatum a few times and he chose games 3 out of 4 times. I'm getting to the point of it hurting to much to try and fix.

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My ex and her wow addiction played a big role in her dumping me. She found new 'friends' and a new 'life' in the game. I became a bother and annoying. At some point he will choose the games if you don't talk this out and get it into a proper respective. As DN says it's as bad and life altering as any addiction.

 

He even got my friends into gaming now when they come over the entire conversation is about games, I feel left out that circle too.

 

I guess I'm just going to have to lay it all out for him again, Thank you for your time.

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When I was in college I played WoW 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, for a year and a half (on average).

 

Never again will I do something like that. It got to a point where I literally could think of nothing to talk about with other people but the game. I was incredibly anti-social, boring, and imbalanced in life.

 

I still game. That will never fully go away. However, I balance my time much better now and I'm mindful to still do other things so as not to fall into the same rut.

 

 

It is a very real addiction and a problem for people with addictive personalities. It can be even more addicting than hardcore drugs to some people and it can certainly have longterm health effects, destroy relationships, and in other ways dismantle your life the same way the worst controlled substances might. I know what it did to me and I've seen what it has done to others, and it's not pretty.

 

I have to admit though, even at my worst, I wouldn't have ever turned down sex for a video game. You'd have to be crazy to do that.

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He even got my friends into gaming now when they come over the entire conversation is about games, I feel left out that circle too.

 

I guess I'm just going to have to lay it all out for him again, Thank you for your time.

 

Yeah it becomes a lifestyle, which is fine with balance I suppose. Unfortunately he has to want to quit or spend less time gaming on his own, ultimatum's usually do not work. Have you tried getting into the game some? It might give you a frame of reference to talk to him that he'll 'get'. Sad I know but an option.

 

I get the everything's about the 'game' dealy. The escape becomes real. It's difficult to deal with. I had no idea in the end it became as bad as a choice, game or me, but it did and does. Though ironically it's usually women leaving a guy who games too much, I'm a guy who's women left to game with 'friends'. I hope you can get him to hear you.

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I really do hope it works out. For your own sake and happiness, you may have to end the relationship.

 

The games allow people to be something they would never get to be in real life. Team efforts make people feel depended on and important while doing something they really enjoy. While you're not getting paid for it, it feels like having a job that you love. It's not a chore, and you get to feel really good about it and yourself. That's a hard feeling to top and why people get so involved in it.

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I have actually done that with his game controller taped to my hiney. all it got was a laugh and get out of his way. It is very hurtful. I gave to ultimatum a few times and he chose games 3 out of 4 times. I'm getting to the point of it hurting to much to try and fix.

 

I understand your pain.

 

It's awful to be rejected emotionally or physically (heck, sometimes these are the same thing). I hope things get better.

 

I think you should stand up for yourself and your feelings. While I advocate trying as much as possible, I think it's right to let go if the relationship is no longer healthy. It's your call as to what point that is though.

 

Wish you the best. Please keep us updated.

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Yeah it becomes a lifestyle, which is fine with balance I suppose. Unfortunately he has to want to quit or spend less time gaming on his own, ultimatum's usually do not work. Have you tried getting into the game some? It might give you a frame of reference to talk to him that he'll 'get'. Sad I know but an option.

 

I get the everything's about the 'game' dealy. The escape becomes real. It's difficult to deal with. I had no idea in the end it became as bad as a choice, game or me, but it did and does. Though ironically it's usually women leaving a guy who games too much, I'm a guy who's women left to game with 'friends'. I hope you can get him to hear you.

 

Exactly why I'm stuck I've given the ultimatum before and only got a worse result.

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I really do hope it works out. For your own sake and happiness, you may have to end the relationship.

 

The games allow people to be something they would never get to be in real life. Team efforts make people feel depended on and important while doing something they really enjoy. While you're not getting paid for it, it feels like having a job that you love. It's not a chore, and you get to feel really good about it and yourself. That's a hard feeling to top and why people get so involved in it.

 

I agree completely about what games mean to those with addiction. It's a replacement for things the person doesn't have (or maybe is too afraid to go after). You feel like you are making accomplishments, making friends, becoming someone important. While you want these things in real life, it's easier and less threatening to get these things from a game. But, in the end, it's no substitute. He'll realize that eventually. Whether or not the OP will stick around for him to understand what he's doing is questionable though.

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I understand your pain.

 

It's awful to be rejected emotionally or physically (heck, sometimes these are the same thing). I hope things get better.

 

I think you should stand up for yourself and your feelings. While I advocate trying as much as possible, I think it's right to let go if the relationship is no longer healthy. It's your call as to what point that is though.

 

Wish you the best. Please keep us updated.

 

 

Thank you. I think I'm just going to have to figure out the best way to bring it up, and hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

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Do your friends play just as much? If the other people take time out to spend with their families or partners or other friends, maybe it can be a group effort to tell him that he can too. Some people feel like their teammates depend on them so much that they'd be disappointed if he couldn't join them for something.

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Do your friends play just as much? If the other people take time out to spend with their families or partners or other friends, maybe it can be a group effort to tell him that he can too. Some of people feel like their teammates depend on them so much that they'd be disappointed if he couldn't join them for something.

 

Yes unfortunately most of our mutual friends are also gamers. One of our friends left his woman and 4 kids because he refused to give it up, Sadly this is my man's best friend. They spend more time together than we do as a couple.

 

He will take time off for family gatherings, but not much more than that.

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Some people feel like their teammates depend on them so much that they'd be disappointed if he couldn't join them for something.

 

I felt like this sometimes. I would say no to a lot of social invites because of the game, because I was needed. Without me, things wouldn't get done.

 

The fun of the game, being an integral part of a group of people accomplishing things (pointless things, but things all the same), the guilt if you weren't there for your group, everything, it's...very powerful and it warps priorities to an extreme. Until you either get bored or royally screwed over, it usually doesn't stop.

 

Also, you HAVE to want to change on your own with this sort of thing. If you don't want to change, you'll just go back to the same behavior.

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