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Have you Felt Like you Learned Nothing?


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I mean... I feel right now that after 4 months, even after studying and analyzing things I did wrong, I did not really learn how to deal with it.

 

Why? Well, I had an exchnage of e-mails with my ex recently and well, here is kinda how it went.

 

I e-mail first, say thanks for many of the good times, apologize for some mistakes I made, and tell her that I am at peace with the situation, and that I enjoyed the experience.

 

She replies saying sorry for not e-mailing me first, that she had thought of e-mailing many times. Says sorry for hurting me, and thanks me for always being a wonderful friends, and that she was glad to remember the good times. Says that she still has the bad times in her head, but that the good ones, were truly great Says that she does want to be friends, and that even though I don't really believe her on this that she means it.

 

Then idiot me, who has learned nothing about keeping his pride and ego in check, and thinking twice before saying something, and about giving time to let your thoughts collect etc, reply. Saying that I did not want her to be my friend if she was doing it just to be nice, because I don't like it when people act fake. (off course this came accross as me saying that she is fake.. but I did not really mean to say that.. fml#1). Then I let my ego and pride run wild, and say that I think I was too good for her in a way and that she will regret what she lost in the future. (FML #2/3).

 

She obviously gets pissed off, replies that she is not being fake and honestly wants to be friends. Says that she is scared if we be friends, she will end up hurting me. Says that I don't need to give her boy advice, because she has a mom for that. And that if I want to be friends fine, if not, then w/e.

 

Then I feel bad for having annoyed / pissed her off, and go on a clarification / apologizing spree (FML #4). I mean, I should know by now that once crap is done you leave it alone, you don't try and clean it up, because it just turns out worse. I go clarify that I did not mean to say she is fake.. etc... blah blah blah. I mention that I understand now that she wants to be friends. Also say that she can be blunt with me about things etc.

 

She replies even more pissed, and says "is this blunt enough?" I am glad you grew some balls and so have I. And then called me out on some of the things I said being reasonably rude about it.

 

I reply and say sorry for having pissed her off and that I will leave her alone if she wishes it to be so.

 

She replies, and that is why people are not always as blunt as you want them to be.

 

I say, alright no problem. I am sorry that I am a very proud and cocky person and it led me to say things that I don't really mean. You are not fake, and i understand where you are coming from with respects to friendship. I will leave you alone, because I don't want to piss you off. I just thought that by now we would be able to be friendly and honest with each other.

 

She replies and says, that yeah you did mess up, and like you said time heals all wounds.

 

I more collected and calm, say that yeah, my bad, so I guess we not gonna take a shot at being friends then lol c ya ( I dun even know why I was still talking at this point lol............)

 

She replies, that probably not because even though i reminded her of the good times, i also did of the bad, and no offense but i reminded her of why things did not work out...

 

I reply. Alright no problem, and no I don't take offense to that. (I should have left it at this.. but no... I have this innate need to clarify things... maybe thats why I wanna be a teacher lol...).

 

I say that I think there are many reasons for things not working out, and one of them is how I was insecure yadda yadda, and that when my pride and ego are hurt I react in a hurtful manner, and that I know that is not right and am working on it.

 

I say that I feel dumb and ashamed, because the way I reacted is not like myself at all, and that I should think more before I do things.

 

Say that if I could have gone back to the very first e-mail that she replied to, I would have just said that I am glad she is able to remember the good times and feel good about it. And to thank her for apologizing for having hurt me. Say that I do want to be friends, and that I understand why she did not e-mail me first, because she either thought it would piss me off, or that I would think that she has feelings for me. I say that she does not need to worry about that, because I know she doesn't.

 

I say that if I am just annoying her now and she wishes me to leave her alone to let me know.

 

 

 

 

 

SO ... well... Bottom line. I take 1 step in the right direction and about 57 in the wrong one... fml. Like, it is not about winning her back, it is about making things kinda normal, not awkward and peaceful. So that there are no burnt bridges. I mean I don't want her back now either, I made that clear in quite a few of these e-mails (what I wrote here is a summary). It just sucks to feel like I haven't learned anything, that the main reason why we broke up being that when I feel hurt I say things without thinking and hurt other people. Like.. I should know better by now and think before I say things.. fml..

 

(On a sidenote what sucks even more is that I had a midterm yesterday that I was completely unable to study for because I couldn't concentrate because of this. In the morning I missed my bus (I literally saw it driving away) and got to the test that lasts 1 hour and a half, 45 minutes late, FML. Also have a lab report that I was supposed to have finished by Wednesday, But I cant concentrate on anything right now, because I simply cant grasp that I can still manage to pull that sort of dumb crap after 3 months of being broken up. Now I keep regretting what I did... crap).

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Well... now that you recognize it, can you be more conscious of taking a deep breath and counting to ten or waiting to send responses back to people - giving yourself a chance to not give a snap reply? It is OKAY to be angry, but sometimes when we reply immediately without thinking a moment, we can be very hurtful.Sometimes the best response is not a response...at least not immediately.

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I wouldnt say that you have learned nothing. But in this particular situation it is much more difficult since there are SO many emotions running around all over the spectrum, from good to terrible. I think most of us here would be lying if we said we never did something similar after the breakup.

 

I think you just need to get to the indifference stage, then you will actually be able to take everything you have learned and act on it. You are just not indifferent yet, or that conversation never would have happened.

 

Dont be too hard on yourself, at the very least, you didnt make anything worse, its not like she can be any less in your life than NC, so no worries.

 

Take this as a learning experience too... everything is just part of that learning experience.

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Well that's the only thing that consoles me. I know that she ain't the best girl in the world and that without her I will be sorry for myself for the rest of my life. Also that really I had nothing to lose, I don't want a relationship with her, at least not any time soon, so whatever. These 2 things are the only things that are able to clear up my head for a while, and not feel like a complete dumb rear end. (god I hate red asterisks....)

 

Lmao... I think I did learn something. That until I have my wits about me I should ask people here to give me advice on what I plan on responding, because I don't think that my head is all in place yet lol....

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Well... now that you recognize it, can you be more conscious of taking a deep breath and counting to ten or waiting to send responses back to people - giving yourself a chance to not give a snap reply? It is OKAY to be angry, but sometimes when we reply immediately without thinking a moment, we can be very hurtful.Sometimes the best response is not a response...at least not immediately.

 

And yeah... I really need to learn to do that. When I am in the moment though, it is just soo hard. Like my brain is super-fast, I am the type of guy that if you are in a group of friends talking, am always the one with some witty thing to say, or some quick joke related to whatever is being said. And it is almost sub-conscious I just react to what is going on without thinking of the consequences.

 

Trust me I have hurt quite a few people by being overly sincere, and by not thinking of the consequences of things I say. It is quite a challenge for me. I really need a girl with a patience like a rock in the bottom of the ocean lol.

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You cant say you didnt learn anything until you apply it to the next relationship. Let this one go, accept its over for good, be what you can be (if anything to your X) and work on yourself, when you find the next girl, see if you learned anything or still the same guy. Until then, quit beating yourself up. Its in the past, its done, over. Nothing you can do about the past. Move forward.

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It might sound cheesey but I have been reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and I have learnt so much from it. I have seen so many mistakes that both my ex and I made throughout our relationship in our behaviours and expectations of eachother. I only wish I had read those books sooner.

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Well she just replied to my apology, saying that she accepts it, and that she is sorry if she hurt me. She was rather dry about it, but I don't blame her.

 

So yeah, I replied and said thanks for not holding a grudge, and that I felt like an ass for having hurt her when I should know better by now.

 

And left things like that, said bye, and that was about it. So now I guess I will let this sit, and not play around with fire anymore. ...

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That theory that some have, that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, may sound a bit corny but think about it...

 

What if there are no random meetings? That everyone you meet is either your student or your teacher?

 

Though you may not feel that you have learned anything, you may have taught another something valuable...

 

There is nothing that you do in life, whether conscious or unconscious, that isn't meaningful.

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Well she just replied to my apology, saying that she accepts it, and that she is sorry if she hurt me. She was rather dry about it, but I don't blame her.

 

So yeah, I replied and said thanks for not holding a grudge, and that I felt like an ass for having hurt her when I should know better by now.

 

And left things like that, said bye, and that was about it. So now I guess I will let this sit, and not play around with fire anymore. ...

 

Yes - don't keep responding. leave it at that.

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I just don't know what to make of this. In her profile she changed her daily message yesterday to this :

 

i wish it was a nightmare... too bad it's real life 3 my heart is not beating anymore ...

 

..... I mean, I won't question her on it, or anything. I am really going to leave things alone... but what the heck? I really don't understand girls... as far as I know she doesn't have any more romantic feelings for me.... so what the heck is that all about?

 

And well, I also think that if that is about this, then it is a huge over-reaction....

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Sometimes, these things don't really matter. Just remember that you don't want to get back with her.

 

Lol I know.. but ok.. give me a direct answer lol. (I know I am being annoying lol). What do you think of that message? Like.. it makes no sense to me. It kinda seems like she had hope that after sometime things would be different and that I would go after her, and that the world would be a golden place again... but if that is the case, then the way she was acting is completely inconsistent with this... SO I dunno.

 

Like, it really doesn't matter I am just confused as to what to make out of it. I think that actions speak louder than words, and by the way she was acting it is pretty clear that she doesnt want anything right now, and I don't want it either, but... yeah... what the heck?... but then again... words in someone's profile mean about as much as a fart in a hurricane...

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i wish it was a nightmare... too bad it's real life 3 my heart is not beating anymore ...

 

 

This could mean anything, it could actually have nothing to do with you...

 

I am sure the breakup itself was a nightmare for her.. even if someone is the dumper it is still hard to let go and make that decsion.

 

No one can really say what this means but her

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