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When would you leave if your partner didn't love you yet?


Unity

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I was wondering - after how long dating would you break up with someone if you hadn't heard I Love You from them?

 

In my mind I think if I hadn't heard an "I love you" after a year, max, I would probably break up with them, even if he acted like he loved me, because I need to hear it too. I would hope that by the 6-8 month mark I'd be getting signs but would be willing to wait up to a year. I think if I haven't heard if after a year, then he probably knows he's not in it for the long haul, and is wasting both of our time.

 

I hate to use this term, but what's your "deadline" for the I Love You's?

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Do you mean if they used to say and then all of a sudden stopped saying it? or from the beginning of the relationship you expect to hear those words within one year?

 

I assume the latter...

 

I dated my girlfriend for 3 years before either of us said it. I had no issues with that. Actions speak louder than words and there is no point into rushing into saying something you weren't sure of just to keep someone hanging around. Therefore, there is no time limit for me - I would have waited 10 years for her if that's what it took.

 

Since when does love play by any strict rules?

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I waited a year to hear it once, and it is actually an embarrassing memory - I got trashed on my birthday during a house party and begged him to just say it back to me, even if he didn't mean it.

 

Funnily enough after that, he started actually saying it because he wanted to. But I do regret being too young and clueless at the time to see that I shouldn't have had to force an admission of love from him.

 

We still had a long-term relationship after that, but I do wonder how things would have gone if I hadn't prodded him into all the initial commitments.

 

By contrast, my now-boyfriend told me he was falling in love with me 2 weeks after we first met. We did talk about it and agreed it wasn't 'in love' yet, but that came not long afterwards anyway.

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you can't put a deadline on things like this, doing so negates the flow of a relationship.

 

it's paramount to:

"how long before he should propose"

"how long would you wait before having a child with him"

etc...

 

seriously, if you have a problem talk to the other person. 90% of all problems on ENA could be solved with better, open, honest communication.

 

If you want to know why he doesn't love you, ask him: only two answers will come out and the rest is utter BS:

1) I don't love you (yet?)

2) I do love you (and possibly sorry for not saying/showing it)

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For me it was about 4-6 months or so - because I wasn't going to have sex until we were in love and there was strong potential for marriage - the actions were ultimately more important but if he couldn't say it I would find that very disturbing and a bad sign for the long term.

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I know there shouldn't be a "deadline" because things don't always follow a ticking clock - but personally, if my current partner hasn't said it after a year, I think I'd be brokenhearted, because it's only been 2 months and I can honestly say I am really falling hard for him and can easily, EASILY see myself being completely in love with him soon. I am very excited to get to know more about him because he's one of the most fascinating people I've ever met, and he seems like a very nice guy overall.

 

But if I loved him after a year and he still couldn't bring himself to say it, I don't think I could continue in the relationship, since it would hurt a lot.

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my ex told me he loved me after I said it first within the first 3 months we were dating. He stopped saying it less and less and eventually I would say I love you and he would say "thanks" or "I like you to". We dated for almost 3 years. I asked him why he doesnt love me and he said he said it because I did and maybe he does love me but doesnt know. I broke up with him,. lol

 

I think its better if they wait and actually mean "I Love you" than to say it just because IMHO

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The notion of someone not loving you because they don't verbalize is is ridiculous. Every bf I ever had told me he loved me. But, I am still single, so it obviously wasn't real love, and none of these relationships lasted long at all.

 

Go by ACTIONS, not words. It's one thing if their ACTIONS don't say I love you.

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i'd argue/worry there's something wrong with someone who's unable to say "i love you" after so long, but as with everything - everyone is different and they go about things in their own way... there could be deep underlying reasons, or he could genuinely not realise he isn't saying it because he's not used to the idea yet. More importantly men SHOW women they love them with ACTIONS not words remember that!

 

I agree you need to hear it back, and I can understand there's a point you'll get to (which will be different for every person) where you're not willing to wait anymore - which is so painful because you've already said it and commited yourself emotionally.

 

Only time will tell, but timing it isn't going to do either of you any good.

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I don't have a conscious deadline, but based on my experience, if he hasn't said it by the 1 year mark, then I agree with Unity...then subconsciously I start getting insecure. This leads to me starting to have doubts and feeling frustrated and broken hearted and I start feeling like the relationship is stuck and not going anywhere.

 

So I agree with everyone that you shouldn't have an absolute deadline, but these emotional things are hard to gauge. Yeah, actions do speak louder than words, but those words are pretty important too.

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What amazes me is how some people feel no need to rush into saying "I love you", yet there's no hesitation at all to be intimate after a very short time.

 

I would expect to hear it, when and if we decided to be exclusive and in a committed relationship which takes time to establish.

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Guys should take note... a lot of women expect those words within a given time frame irregardless of what you do.

 

I find this especially intriguing...

 

Well that given timeframe is determined by the pace, intimacy, and personality of each relationship which is unique. Some people need those words, some don't. Neither is wrong or right. It's a compatibility issue at that point.

 

Plus if you're in a committed, exclusive, affectionate relationship for a long time (I think we would agree 1 yr commitment on both sides is quite long), then how would it feel if your partner never said those words?

 

I think we'd all like to think we're so emotionally secure to not think we need those words, but that unfortunately isn't the reality for many of us.

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Guys should take note... a lot of women expect those words within a given time frame irregardless of what you do.

 

I find this especially intriguing...

 

I find it intriguing as to why the last 3 guys I dated, they said, "I love you" quite soon, 2-3 months after dating, and when I didn't say it right then... give it 2 days and all of a sudden they're "not into me anymore" and BAM!!! gone!

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I find it intriguing as to why the last 3 guys I dated, they said, "I love you" quite soon, 2-3 months after dating, and when I didn't say it right then... give it 2 days and all of a sudden they're "not into me anymore" and BAM!!! gone!

 

I'm sorry to hear that shikashika. Actually you bring up a good point. Just like I would expect to hear those words eventually, I don't think I trust those words before the 6 month mark. But those are roughly my own personal comfort zones for those words.

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I'm sorry to hear that shikashika. Actually you bring up a good point. Just like I would expect to hear those words eventually, I don't think I trust those words before the 6 month mark. But those are roughly my own personal comfort zones for those words.

 

don't worry, I'm better off without! (Although it has taken a while for me to realise this!

 

But, I think guys are just as scared as girls.

 

I think another poster said this, but if someone does, as my exes did above, that is not real love if you are only saying it on the condition you say it back.

 

I posted this before, but has anyone read about the 5 love languages?

 

link removed

 

You can take a quiz and I think it is important that you know your partner's love language.

 

Some people only feel love if someone SAYS it, others feel it through acts of service, others feel it through physical intimacy. Often, others feel loved in a different way they show it.

 

For example, I know that I think I'm SHOWING someone I love them by doing things for them, but that partner needs to hear the words to know that they are loved.

 

I think it's important to realise what your needs are and what your partner's needs are. I've definitely overlooked that in the past.

 

Instead of just saying, "That's dumb, i SHOW him/her I love them all the time" really isn't effective in building a loving relationship!

 

some people need to HEAR it, some people need to be SHOWN it.

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It would depend on the relationship and our chemistry. I need affection in my relationships and if I felt he was closed off even if he really did love me I wouldnt' FEEL it and therefore would need to hear it more to make up for that void. But if he was affectionate and I felt loved I probably wouldn't need to hear it until very late into the relationship. I would say I'd wait until a year and a bit. Once you pass lots of "milestone" days (holidays etc) you should be able to tell if you're in love or if he's in love.

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If its 2 months, I would wait. The reason I say that is that its still new. You are just learning about eachother and possibly infatuated or swept up in the newness at the very least. And remember, waiting takes 2. I told my boyfriend I loved him just prior to our 1 year anniversary together. I am glad I didn't wait any longer. He was wondering when the right time was too, believe it or not.

 

I think give it a few months more, but in the meantime, put it out of your mind. Don't always be thinking about it because you could miss out on him saying it to you when you are obsessing or you could have it so much the goal that you ignore signs that you two may not be working out the way you thought.

 

The other posters are right, there are other ways, in the meantime to show you love him and he you. Watch for signs of how he expresses it and you will know when its right.

 

Some guys consider the "i love you " thing requires that they make a "decision" about you rather than its just a free expression of feeling so thats why some guys wait

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Completely agree with your entire post. But your last sentence in particular I think is why I start feeling stuck or insecure when I haven't heard it. A guy might treat me well and care about me genuinely. But I need to know that he considers me as potential for something more long term or is thinking about it rather than just enjoying the status quo.

 

I also really like what shikashika said about different ways of expressing love and different needs for receiving it.

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Completely agree with your entire post. But your last sentence in particular I think is why I start feeling stuck or insecure when I haven't heard it. A guy might treat me well and care about me genuinely. But I need to know that he considers me as potential for something more long term or is thinking about it rather than just enjoying the status quo.

 

I also really like what shikashika said about different ways of expressing love and different needs for receiving it.

 

2 months is hardly status quo. Being a "potential something" happens over time. You are just getting to know each other, really. Just consider that he sees potential something because he is continuing to date you. When men get prodded for answers or when women don't prod but start to get nervous, it has an effect. Don't do things just to get him to say it. You are acting like you expect him to say he sees his future wife in you right now. Just go with the flow. If you feel at this early stage you must hear it to know he cares - well - you are both figuring out each other and what you want. Take the time to give him the full once over and see if he is someone taht you would consider as a "potential something" before expecting the same of him

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2 months is hardly status quo. Being a "potential something" happens over time. You are just getting to know each other, really. Just consider that he sees potential something because he is continuing to date you. When men get prodded for answers or when women don't prod but start to get nervous, it has an effect. Don't do things just to get him to say it. You are acting like you expect him to say he sees his future wife in you right now. Just go with the flow. If you feel at this early stage you must hear it to know he cares - well - you are both figuring out each other and what you want. Take the time to give him the full once over and see if he is someone taht you would consider as a "potential something" before expecting the same of him

 

Totally agree, 2 months is too short. I don't trust a "i love you" until at least 6 months. But I never intentionally expect it. Just if one year has passed and he doesn't seem to be getting close to saying it, I start getting insecure and start feeling stuck and have to assess the relationship. Having said that, I agree you shouldn't prod a guy for it. But everyone has their own time frames of how long they are willing to wait for a need to be met. However, communication (different from pressure) is important.

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But your last sentence in particular I think is why I start feeling stuck or insecure when I haven't heard it. A guy might treat me well and care about me genuinely. But I need to know that he considers me as potential for something more long term or is thinking about it rather than just enjoying the status quo.

 

100% agree.

 

My boyfriend is "making decisions" about me right now, of that nature. Bothers me to no end. When he gets back from his business trip I am going to suggest breaking up. It's one thing to appreciate and understand where someone might be coming from, but * * * * ... it's akin to using and abusing my care, in my opinion.

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