My NC Diary / Love Diet

[soulsearchin25]

I broke NC today. I called from him in the morning. He picked up. I just watched as"He doesn't love you" flashed accross my screen. My stomach dropped and my finger was ready to push the button to disconnect but I didnt. I wanted to hear him so bad. And gosh darnit I caved. I responded.

 

He told me that he's been ok but I could hear in his voice something was not right. And he told me me he was stressed out with school (he's not doing so well in one of his classes). And that he was thinking about how different things were with us not being together. I asked him if he felt at peace with life in general. And he said no he wasnt. That it was so hard to start over cause his plans for the next few years and for the future in general had changed. Because we wouldn't be together or married. I kept trying to get him to talk more but he would not go further, And he also mentioned how he missed doing music together. That was our thing.

 

I told him I was just thinking things over and working things out within myself. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him but I didnt. I didn't want to jump all over him. We didnt stay on the phone long. But from our short conversation I think I was getting the sense that he missed me a little more than he thought he might be. And I think I got the sense that he maybe this new girl he's talking to doesn't have it all (after all), like I thought. I thought he was so so in to her and totally forgetting about me. He still is being very closed and not willing to express that he misses me. But I know him very well. I cant say he's pining over me and I won't even go there. I don't want to go too far. But it kinda helps a little to know that he hasn't just erased me and replaced me.

 

I cannot lie after that conversation. I hung up and my heart hurt. I miss him like crazy and I still love him very very much. BUT a few hours later he texted me asking if I was going to work? And I asked why and he said it was because he was going to have some free time on campus. Then again a few hours later he calle dto find out if I left work. But when I asked him why he really wouldnt say. I can tell maybe he wants to talk more but is stopping himself. Even though I made the inital call he did keep texting me on his own.

 

I am mad at myself for breaking NC. I just reread my posts here and I felt like maybe I had made a little progress. At the very least I didnt make a total ass of myself and wildly profess my love to him. I didnt go on and on about how I was trying to change things in order to impress him. And I didnt make the conversation too long. I made it 4 days without talking to him which is huge. Ive never done that before. So:

 

DAY 5 = Caving in the Desire for Contact

[soulsearchin25]

Feeling like an idoit for breaking NC. I was doing good and I freakin caved in. Dammit seriously when the hell will it get easire I was actually starting to move on from being hopelessly depressed to severly devastated. It was a miniscule step but step nonetheless. Now back to square one and who knows he may not even have the urge to call me again. Im still gonna move forward with the things I have been doing to improve myself. But I still miss him something fierce!!! I just don't know anymore......Im trying to remind myself at the end of the day I gotta still love myself enough even if no one else is there to tell me so. Be strong!! Be Strong!! Be Strong!!!!

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking NC, it you feel worse for doing it then you will be less likely in the future to do it. Stay strong, it will get easier for you.

[soulsearchin25]

Right after i logged off here yesterday I got another call from the ex. And then texts. He started to open up to me about what he was thinking. he began to tell me that he's been thinking about me, even though he is talking to this other girl. He told me that he finds himself comparing alot of different things even though he tries not too. And her asks me if I still see us maybe having some sort of future togethe. I tell him that the breakup has really caused me to satrt to examine my life. And I told him that I need to work on myself very much. But i was honest and told him that i missed him very much. He started to tell me all the great things he loved about us and also we started to talk about some problems we had before.

 

Again i was glad to talk to him and actually felt that our conversation accomplished something. I feel like he needs this time kind of for himself and so do I. I think what im going to do here is move to LC. I wont be calling him all the time but I will periodically maybe call or text. And he is going to do the same. I am comfortable now with being able to occasionally talk to him without feeling like my heart will drop through my feet. I know that I love him but what's important about this time is that I'm learning so much about myself and starting to be self-reliant and happy with myself. I dont know where along the road I picked up extra strength within my self but Im thanking God for it!!

[soulsearchin25]

Thought of the Day:

One of the most significant relationships that i will ever experience is the one with MYSELF. Therefore, I am giving myself permission to love myself unconditionally. I will give myself as much importance as the person that I choose to love. I am worthy of love.

[uncomfynumb]

I think you made more progress with the NC rather than the LC. I know you don't see that now because your emotions are leading you and not your logic.

 

I will say this again, that he can't truly begin to miss you until are gone from his life for a significant period of time. Each time you talk to him, he gets his fix and he can stay away from you longer. In your case, he doesn't get to suffer any real loss of you what so ever because in essence, he still has you and he still has the current GF. How rewarding!

 

The other problem with this whole thing is that you are consciously choosing to remain emotionally attached to a person, emotionally vested in him all on the hope that he will change his mind. You can't disconnect from him if you are still contacting him and a part of his life. I know you don't want to detach but he dumped you and if that is not a good enough reason to deatch from a person, then I don't know what is.

 

You can move on and still reconcile later. It's not like if you go NC, all hope is lost forever because it is not. Time or space do not change the kind of love two people have if it is truly there and it is mutual. Trust me on this one.

[soulsearchin25]

Living in a place of uncertainty. Heartbreak and moving forward and getting over love is the most difficult thing. I have no idea sometimes how Im going to move forward. Its not just him. Its me. I ask mysel fwhy are I not strong enough? Why am I not where I want to be? Life has seemingly gotten me in a choke hold right now.

 

Im still in LC. Im trying to keep it as minimal as possible. I know the ex is still getting to know this other girl. She's coming hom efor spring break next week and he will be spending the whole week with her. I have no more tears left to cry. Im a spirutal person so Im trying to keep my focus on GOD and hoping that this pain will subside soon. I cannot force anything to reconcile itself. Alll I can do is change me. I have continued to go to the gym, And I go to church often and pray.

 

To anyone getting over someone and healing after love is lost I commend you for being strong. It takes strength to get back up after you have fallen. And it takes a great deal of self love to be content within yourself. When your heart gets wrapped in someone else and then they are not there it begins to feel like a piece of you is missing.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

How you getting on soul searchin?