soulsearchin25 Posted March 3, 2010 Author Share Posted March 3, 2010 I broke NC today. I called from him in the morning. He picked up. I just watched as"He doesn't love you" flashed accross my screen. My stomach dropped and my finger was ready to push the button to disconnect but I didnt. I wanted to hear him so bad. And gosh darnit I caved. I responded. He told me that he's been ok but I could hear in his voice something was not right. And he told me me he was stressed out with school (he's not doing so well in one of his classes). And that he was thinking about how different things were with us not being together. I asked him if he felt at peace with life in general. And he said no he wasnt. That it was so hard to start over cause his plans for the next few years and for the future in general had changed. Because we wouldn't be together or married. I kept trying to get him to talk more but he would not go further, And he also mentioned how he missed doing music together. That was our thing. I told him I was just thinking things over and working things out within myself. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him but I didnt. I didn't want to jump all over him. We didnt stay on the phone long. But from our short conversation I think I was getting the sense that he missed me a little more than he thought he might be. And I think I got the sense that he maybe this new girl he's talking to doesn't have it all (after all), like I thought. I thought he was so so in to her and totally forgetting about me. He still is being very closed and not willing to express that he misses me. But I know him very well. I cant say he's pining over me and I won't even go there. I don't want to go too far. But it kinda helps a little to know that he hasn't just erased me and replaced me. I cannot lie after that conversation. I hung up and my heart hurt. I miss him like crazy and I still love him very very much. BUT a few hours later he texted me asking if I was going to work? And I asked why and he said it was because he was going to have some free time on campus. Then again a few hours later he calle dto find out if I left work. But when I asked him why he really wouldnt say. I can tell maybe he wants to talk more but is stopping himself. Even though I made the inital call he did keep texting me on his own. I am mad at myself for breaking NC. I just reread my posts here and I felt like maybe I had made a little progress. At the very least I didnt make a total ass of myself and wildly profess my love to him. I didnt go on and on about how I was trying to change things in order to impress him. And I didnt make the conversation too long. I made it 4 days without talking to him which is huge. Ive never done that before. So: DAY 5 = Caving in the Desire for Contact Link to comment
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