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My NC Diary / Love Diet


soulsearchin25

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Hello all:

 

So after my near mental breakdown yesterday and plethora of tears. I have deicded to start this NC Diary. At least one place where I can just write about the whole mess. Also I am now on what I consider a heartbreak diet. Initially, this diet asn attempt to be more fit was spurred on by my wanting to impress my ex and look better. But now, I'm going to have to convert my goal to please and do it for myself. While, I am trying to abstain from eating certain things and working out I am also on a "love diet" as well. I have so many bad habits the need breaking. And it's now or never for me.

 

So here goes every deep dark, good or bad moment. And hopefully when I come out on the other side I will be stronger than I am feeling now. Anyone interested in the details of my mess can read here. I dont was nt to bog this down with a looonngg looonnngg message:

 

 

 

And anyone who waould like to comment or post your own experiences or challeneges or advice plesase do so. I have NEVER gone NC before. So I'm hoping this thing doesn't kick my ass too much. I'm gonna need all the help I can get here

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Early in the morning and it is officially day 1. I am feeling like total crap cannot lie. Yesterday of course I dreamed about him. I know because wehn I woke up the first thing on my mind of course was him. Im on my way to work now and hopefully I can try to keep my mind straight enought to get through this 8 hour shift. I'm really afraid of going NC. Already I want to pick up the phone and call. But I'm gonna remind myself that this is my fear and desperation just setting in. I gotta try to be a stronger person mentally? But how do I do that?

 

Today I acknowledge that:

 

This person has been an explicit and intrical part of my life for so long. And I love him very much. But he is no longer my bf. We are broken up and he has moved on.

 

 

" I acknowledge these things about him. I cannot run away from the truth of what it is anymore. Wow, that feels horrible to even read what I just wrote. But I can't stasy in denial forever. But I guess the time now is to focus on me. What about me? Funny I never ask myself that. I'm always focused on him and what he needs and likes and what I can give him to make things better. What about me?"

 

Will this feeling ever go away? I guess I'm going through withdrawl....

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Hi Soulsearchin. Someone here quoted " the best thing about breaking NC is that you can start again". This is recent for you, please do not be hard on yourself for having natural human feelings. Just take slow steps-keep a journal of everything you are feeling. I repeated "slow and steady wins the race" everyday after my breakup. Whenever you have the urge to break no contact, go through this whole site and read as much as possible.

 

Yes, it sounds like withdrawal but you are on the right path just by being here.... you said "what about me', that's a strong statement. I promise things will get better if you hold on to those words. "death-grip" NC can bring that statement to life.

 

Your user name is wonderful, it reminds me of the song "Someday" by Rob Thomas.

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Thank you for the encouragement. I'm at work. Now its only been an hour and I'm already nervous. I imagine e myself standing in the doorway to a pitch black room. I have no flashlight. I'm afraid of what I'll find.

 

Si picked up my phone this morning as I was drivi g. The urge to call him. To say, what I dont know. It probably would have gone sonmething like this:

"Please! Please! Take me back! I'm dying without you! I need you to forgive me and I'll do the same. Lets forget the past and move forward. I miss you. I love you with all my heart. Pleeeeaaassseeeee!"

 

I know pathetic right? But that's what my heart was s reaming. I held my phone and started dialing. And all of a sudden it popped on my screen. The name I had changed it to: "he doesn't love you anymore". I looked at it hard and long. And then with a sunken heart put my phone down. I didn't make the call. Changing treatment name on my phone actually worked. A reminder for me. But still feels like crap

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That is a good idea. Better yet, delete his number all together.

 

Whoa! Whoa! Delete the number??? Baby steps here....baby steps. That will provably push me over the edge. Its a mental thing for me. Apparently I have trouble with the concept if mind over matter. For those who have done or are going NC how the heck did you cope with the first few days??

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Cannot seem to concentrate at all at work. People talk to me and I can't seem to focus. Eaten up by my thoughts over here. I had a thought. As I watch other people interacting with each other I notice how happy others are. They smile they chat they laugh. And as I'm sitting all I can this k of is him. And I wonder, if I can notice other people's joy then can they see my pain. I try to hide it. But can they see it in my face? In my eyes or hear it in the tone of my voice? Does the haggred look of my face indicate or scream to the world...." this girl is an emotional mess". I feel exposed and raw l. I guess that's the thing about trying to change yourself and face a giant obstacle. .... .. . Between pining over him and fantasizing all day I probably resembled very much a broken girl with something going on. Te day wears on and I miss him. Wondering if he misses me too. Probably not

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I just went to a very low place!!!! Okay so i'm doing no contact and this is only Day 1. I went onto my facebook account. And suffice to say i got a good look at the girl he is now talking to. And guess what......of course....this girl of somewhat gorgeous. Very pretty long, hair, thin.....AARRRGGHHH!! Why couldnt she be a toothless hag. I feel like a complete idiot.

 

This whole ordeal has been tearing me apart. I know I should not compare myself to her. Cause no matter what she wins cause she has him and I dont. But I now am taking a good look in the mirror and you can literally see the pain etched into my skin. I'm looking haggred these days. Cant bring myself to even think about being pretty cause everything around me looks so dull and gray. And here she is this wonderful looking person. I feel like the ugly duckling.

 

And you know what! I'm now only punishing myself. Because I'm so sad and upset and so focused on this thing I have neglected myself. I dont think I have that happy confident look that I saw in this girls pictures. And I'm really thinking how could I expect to have attracted my ex back when I am such a mess. It's a catch 22. But it's even bigger than that. How can I expect to attract anyone, new friends, the opposite sex, anyone, when I'm probably walking around with this aura of sadness? Who would be attracted to that?

 

This is all the inspiration I needed today. I'm picking myself up right now and going to the gym. More than competing with others. How am I ever going to be better when I'm still carrying around the burdens of the past both physically and mentally???? For now the mental part seems a little elusive. But gosh darn it. I will stick to my goal of losing weight and getting more fit. For me. Only for me. Cause the truth is ( as much as I hate to say this), I'M ALONE. But I still have a right to be happy and look good for MYSELF.

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And another thing before I go. I just read another post and got an idea to do this:

 

I'm taking one more step. The screen saver on my computer is all the pictures I have on my hard drive. So occasionally I will be sitting here doing something as the slideshow appears on my screen. And I have so many pictures of us. Happy pictures. I watch us flash on the screen smiling, holding each other, kissing. The first time we went out dancing together. His eyes staring at me, I remember exactly where we were.......

 

I created a folder called "You have to let him go, at least for now" And I tucked all our pictures there. They will no longer be on my screen saver. For now this is all I can do. I can't bring myself to erase it but at least I wont feel like crying every time his face smiling happily at me. Baby steps...... Baby steps.....

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End of Day 1:

 

Possibly the longest dayof my life. Today was all about resistance. Resisting the temptation to call him. Resisting the need to lie to myself and tell myself that it''s really not over. Resisting the feelings of sadness and dpression that are hoveirng around me waiting to consume the very soul of me. Resisting the thoughts of crawling into my bed and wallowing in my own self-pity.

 

Posting here to keep me sane. Today I thought of him all day. All day long. But about a few hours ago you know who else I thought of? Me.

 

Todays Truth:

The very place where I am today is the exact place I need to be in order to get where I need to go

 

 

I am in a place of loneliness and sadness. A place where I dont trust even myself sometimes. A place of feeling low and not having enough self-esteem. I am standing on the edge and fearful that I may not be enough. If no one is ever comes along in the future to tell me "I Love You" will I be able to love myself unconditionally? If no one ever calls me beautiful and makes me feel wanted can I find the beauty from within? I am in a place of fear. But this is where I NEED to be...... I have something to learn where I am now

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Shaken awake from a dream. Dammit I cannot get him off my mind. The nighttime is the worst! I cannot control my mind when i sleep. Just now I woke up with the thought the he was lying down next to me. In my dream he was talking to me. Smiling at me as I was his whole wide world. And know I can feel him in the rrom almost of if he was here. I miss him so much. I miss th sound of his voice and the feel of his hand holding mine. I miss his eyes looking into mine and seeing the love there. Emptiness consumes me. Empty. Will i ever find happiness again. Ever?

 

Truth is right now I dont have anyone to love me. I feel like everyone I know personally is out there making connecctions. They have either kids families or boyfriends. ANd I have this gaping hole in my heart that threatens to consume me. I have memories that suffocate me and remind me that once upon a time I was someone's everything. I am so far from where I used to be in my life. When willl I learn the lesson? When will I stop being destructive and follow a good path. Maybe this lonliness, this depression, is karma for all the bad I've ever done

 

I want to be a better person

I want to have someone to love me

I want to never lie again, in a relationship or otherwise

I want never be decived in love ever again

I want to stop shedding tears of pain

I want him back

 

Night times are the worst. In the darkness the longing is oppressive......I have a hard time being positive. Cause alone in my room with the essence of him still lingering over me. Thoughts of him still running in my mind.....and yet I'm alone. There is no one by my side

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You have no idea that Im thinking of you

No clue to the longing that I feel

I know you understand that I still love you

But never again will you believe OUR love is real

Now you'll listen to her words as she calls you her sweetie

And you'll never turn back to me

You'll keep telling yourself that you don't need me

No matter how hard it was

I can't believe love just disappears

So I'm wondering where you tucked your away

Because mine is clearly still here

I want to pour it all on you and bring you back to my side

Because thats where you belong.....just us...just you and I

 

God please forgive me for every sin I've committed

My life is upside down because to being righteous I have not submitted

Time cannot go back

It moves swiftly only in one direction

And and I want my love to know that from it needs no protection

I've learned the sacredness of love is trust that should never be broken

And to say the things we said they were words that should not have been spoken

All I need to know is you love me like I love you

Anything else beyond that and Im sure we can make it through

I have to let you go now because I have no cause there is nothing I can do

I truly want you back but you have to want it too

I pray to the heavens to bring you back to me

That you'll feel how I feel now and we'll be together eventually

I love you with all my heart

 

J

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Help! Help! Help! Hpw can I stop the dreams. This time I woke up crying. Damn my mind just won't let it go. Behining of day 2 and Im dying to just call him. I miss him so much. ANd riht now this NC thing is just not makeing sense to me. I really dont think I will be able to do thsi. I shoudl be trying to win him back,Before he completely forgets me. Maybe the more time I give him the more he will just erase me. I cannot freaking do this. I feel like Im going to call him. I miss him too much. Life is just not the same

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I really cannot do this. Ive tried to hang in there this morning and be strong. But I still cannot stop the tears. No matter what the issue wwas I cannot help but feel lonely and depressed. And I miss him so damn much the feeling is eating me alive. I can feel it down to my bones. WHat have i done with my life that I turned down this path and ended up here alone. I think quite possibly that I may be the worst person in the world. I keep trying tothink positive things. But dammit how do I combat this feeling. Ive taken a walk. Cooked food i didnt eat. Watched movies. But today i can tell is just going to one of those days. Even posting here doesnt seem to be helping today. I am acutely aware of the absence of him. And acutely aware of the misery in myself. I wish there were comforting words or something that could be said here......but I gues there's nothing

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Hey Soulsearchin, A betrayal has threatened your well-being. The answers to your misery lie within yourself and you are aware of that, great. Your dreams are the result of you trying to keep the connection/bond. Its time to face your fears(easier said than done, I know). You have to challenge this illusion in the name of truth.

 

If its not to personal, can you tell what were your expectations with the relationship?

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I guess with this relationship I expected that we would go all the way. I am 25 and he was slightly younger 23. But he is very mature person and also slightly more serious than other guys his age. I knew his family and he knew mine. Everyone assumed that we would get married. Almost immediately everyone assumed that we would and that we were perfect for each other. Throughout the years we had ups and downs and many problems. But we always loved each other. But towards the end things changed so immensely.

 

The thing is even my feelings that he is truly the one were a little unexpected to me. I did alot of growing up while with him. Alot and I went through a lot of personal trials. And was there through it all. He is such an amazing man. There were times when i was unsure about marraige and afraid of how easy things had fallen in to place and wondering if it was right. I think I realized to late that he is the one. Realized too late that if I married him today right now I would be happy forever. Beside all our personal problems I now have another view of our love. Even though we're broken up now there are still indications that he doesnt know if he'll be able to connect with anyone that way he connected with me and loved me. I thought I would ahve time to fix everything and I thought we would have all the time in the world before. I wish I woudl have taken my realtionship more seriously. And I would I would have trusted and not been afraid of our love. I wish so many things.

 

I try to picture myself now with someone else and I cant. I try to think of qualities I would want and he fits into all of them. The saying is true that you never know what you have until it's gone. I have been hurt before and also been the one to hurt someone else. I had been in love before and it ended badly. And I think I may have bought my doubts into my current relationship. I was a little too jaded even though I wanted strongly to believe in love. Now I'm even more jaded. I believe in love but I have no desire to go chasing after anyone else when I feel like he's the one. I guess what I want in my heart now is marraige and a life forever with him. But that expectation is far-fetched

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I try to picture myself now with someone else and I cant. I try to think of qualities I would want and he fits into all of them.

 

Wait a second... He has all of the qualities that you want in a person? You want a person that treats you as second best? Not a good quality. You want a guy that you thinks about other girls and pursues them over you? Not a good quality. You want a guy that will sleep with you, knowing all the while your feelings for him, but who is willing to brush that aside for physical pleasure? Not a good quality... Your ex sounds like he is a selfish, immature person, and one who lacks integrity and princple. And you would marry him???

 

You are idolizing this guy. He is an imperfect human being full of flaws and not that freaking special. Men like him are a dime a dozen. You can do better.

 

You are putting him above yourself and that is a very dangerous thing to do. Stop it now. I don't want to read that "I can't" because I know you YOU CAN! You need to tell yourself now that this man is not worthy of you because he is not. No man that treats you like this is worthy of you or you love.

 

Everytime you think of him, stop yourself and say "He is not worthy of me." Repeat this mantra until you believe it. If you allow yourself to entertain the thoughts that you are entertaining, you will never move forward.

 

Who is this person you are giving your power to? Someone that is not worthy...

 

Please stop this negative thinking now. Make a list of all the things you want from a man, from a relationship and then list all the negative traits regarding your ex. And everytime that you start thinking about him, review that list.

 

He is not all that. You are making him all that in your head. And you can just as easily make him "not all that."

 

Everytime I think about my ex, and start getting nostalgic, I IMMEDIATELY counter those thought with

 

Yes, but he was negative, a downer

 

He generally dressed for

 

His hair was thinning, I like a head full of hair...

 

I never got off when I was on top...

 

Get the picture? Quit idolizing this man! HE IS NOT WORTH IT!

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Quick update:

Day 4 of NC and I honestly didn't think I would even get this far. These past days have felt more like an eternity. Its on my mind all the time still. To be even more honest, I still find myself mostly miserable. But the news here is it has been firm NC. I did reopen the pictures on my computer and scroll through them yesterday. And yesterday I cried. But in a good note today as of yet no tears. Not one! I know that seems silly BUT for aperson who has cried enough to overflow the Nile its a big step. And right now I'm headed into the gym. Didn't want to go but I'm here. And I'm gonna force myself to stay for at least an hour. Had the strong strong urge just to call him and say hello and hear his voice but.I'm posting here instead...... day 4 sucks!

 

Am I happy again yet??

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Don't worry you are not alone. I am going thru the same thing you are but i broke NC saturday and it sucks when you do. It's like satrting all over again. I only lasted a week. But just reading your thread makes me feel a little better, because im not alone.

Im the same age as you and she is the same age as him. We have a kid together so I try to hold it together when she drops our child off with me.

 

But you are not alone and i know that the weekends are the hardest. Just keep your head up and dont get drunk like i did. Next day i felt the worst ever.

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Get the picture? Quit idolizing this man!

 

Uncomfynumb,

Thanks, I definitely think I

do idolize him. While I do still believe he is a great person I do know in my head that I do have to stop idolizing him.He really was nnot perfect for as great of a boyfriend he was. And I definitely was not perfect at all. While I dont know if I can start listing his faults just to make myself feel better about me. I will try to stop idolizing him into the perfect man. Cause my head knows that he is not. There is no such thing as the perfect person. But I dont know maybe there is a time when you come to love someone in all their imperfections and beyond theire faults.

 

But what you say does make sense...and made me laugh. Especially about getting off on top.....well good riddance of that guy huh??!!??

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Don't worry you are not alone. I am going thru the same thing you are but i broke NC saturday and it sucks when you do. It's like satrting all over again. I only lasted a week. But just reading your thread makes me feel a little better, because im not alone.

Im the same age as you and she is the same age as him. We have a kid together so I try to hold it together when she drops our child off with me.

 

But you are not alone and i know that the weekends are the hardest. Just keep your head up and dont get drunk like i did. Next day i felt the worst ever.

 

I definitely feel for you. Yeah it does help to post here. It has been somewhat of my therapy and the people are great and supportive. I know it has to be extra tough for you having a kid together. There's no way to ttoally avoid each other. I think if that were me now I would be crying at her feet every time she came to drop off her child. So for you keeping it together, I commend you.

 

And yeah i have definitely sworn off liquor. My mind has gone to dark places. I sometimes want to take anything to take my pain away. Drink myself into a stupor or smoke myself into oblivion. Luckily I dont smoke at all and I am refusing to drink. Drinking + Depression= Disaster. learned that lesson years ago. Hang in there FUERTE. ANd post here with any thoughts or whatever if you need. It may help. Your not alone either!!!

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After one week of semi-grueling exercise, physically I am feeling a little better. Feel a little lighter although I know that's mostly in my head. My diet has definitely been better. Luckily along with my current depression I have not had the urge this time around to consume everything in sight. So theres been no fried chicken and doughboys on my plate. That's a big victory for me, the woman who has never met a piece of fried food she didnt like. But for now I stick with the rule No sweets and no fried foods.I could be working harder at the gym. But today I pushed it a little further. Im mostly doing cardio to sweat out my frustration with life. Anyway Im just glad Im being consistent with going. I keep telling myself: "baby steps.....baby steps"

 

Week 1 Weight Loss: 4 lbs

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And all of a sudden it popped on my screen. The name I had changed it to: "he doesn't love you anymore".

 

I think this is a more powerful deterent than deleting the number. i think its pretty dope. I just wish you could find a message that was both a deterrent and something that doesnt lower your self esteem. My ex had small feet...it bugged me to death, so I changed the name in my phone to 'littlefoot'. The new name just made him seem like a cartoon character and made it easier to deal with. Maybe something like that?

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Makesthebest:

Your right when i do see the name it does make me feel bad. I get this twisted feeling in my heart. It hurts. But it does work. But your idea is a good. Theres nothing about him that really bugged me so ....but it would make me laugh rather than to feel bad. Littlefoot...that's too funny!!!!

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