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Is this abuse?


mgirl

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Is it emotionally abusive to suggest therapy to someone? Eg, i'll only be your friend if you seek professional help?!

 

Check out this email:

 

" Always rememer that you created this situation XXX not me. I will contact u in the future when I have calmed down. I really don't know where we can go from here . Even friends would be hard for me. I don't trust u not to say horrible things and I just don't want people in my life who don't look out for my best interests . So I really don't know what we hve to offer each other. We are so different. U would think aft all these years you would know how to be nice to someone. How many ex's do u have who might have stories of abuse? Alot or all of them I'm betting. I won't tolerate it XXX. I really think u need professional help to help the way u deal with people. I guess I wouldn't be willing to try and have a friedship with you unless u admitted u have a problem. U can't continue this way through life XXX. It's just wrong and unhealthy. Would u be willing to seek professional help?"

 

Omg, like i'd be willing to seek professional help for somebody who left me hanging at the first sign of trouble, who didn't even have the common decency to to the break up thing voice to voice, who has no voicemail on their phone, who constantly deflects, who silences and isolates people when they 'offend' her...

 

Whatever. This is the icing on the cake...

 

Whilst i see that she has a point about communicating with people, isn't this email just a little abusive? She has revelled in telling me she feels "positive" now that we're broken up... Why try to be friends with me? So she has somebody to fill her schedule when everybody else pikes out on her?

 

Is there something wrong with this, or am i imagining it?!

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To be totally honest, I would say you are equally to blame. 50/50. It seems both of you don't handle things very well and it becomes a blame game with neither wanting to take responsibility for their actions. That said, After reading your post I have to agree with her one comment ""Always rememer that you created this situation", because it seems you do push her and expect things to happen AFTER she has explained herself etc. I would say this "relationship" was dysfunctional to say the least.

 

It's probably best to end things permanently and move on.

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"Always rememer that you created this situation", because it seems you do push her and expect things to happen AFTER she has explained herself etc.

 

No, she has never explained a situation. I reacted after she yelled at me and offered to dump me at home after i asked her whether we'd become a "we". Meaning when would the relationship progress to the next level?

 

I don't think that i did anything wrong in that situation.

 

Yes, you're right, people are responsible for things 50 / 50 and she won't admit that.

 

As far as i am concerned, this dysfunctional 'relationship' is done. I want somebody who respects my feelings, not offers to drop me off home when things go wrong (the day after my deceased sister's birthday for example). She really is a cold hard person.

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And, don't abusers try to make out there is something wrong with everybody else?

 

Honestly, i've copped "nasty, aggressive, abusive, cheater, game player". Now that she can't pin the game player and cheater on me, she is resorting to therapy. Please!

 

She even admitted to an ex that she rates people out of 10 when she first starts dating them. They have to earn the points, she is sick.

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I see you went and edited and removed the majority of your post, which is the part where I based my reply on. It's a pity you deleted all the most relevant parts of your post, as any other members won't have the full picture to be able to make a fair comment.

I still stand by my original post. As for the term "abusive" - I still say you were equally "abusive" to each other. Maybe some counselling will be beneficial?

 

Have you two broken up for good now?

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Yes, i did delete a lot of the post as i thought it was too long. It wasn't to "edit" my situation..

 

This relationship is done. Thank you for your reply.

 

I just felt used by her, taken for granted. She used my time, she constantly ran away from me when things got a little uncomfortable, she'd cry straight away instead of listening to me.

 

I understand it was equally abusive, but i got sick of her laying blame. I will take responsibility for my part in it, on my own! And, i am done trying to make her see her part in it, that is her problem. She will probably just meet somebody who does what she says and who never questions her.

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Is it emotionally abusive to suggest therapy to someone? Eg, i'll only be your friend if you seek professional help?!

 

No.

 

It's her letting you know under what circumstances she'd be willing to engage in contact with you. It's not abusive, it causes you no damage at all.

 

And especially since you just don't have to reply to it and can ignore her email.

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I agree with Agent. She is setting a boundary with you.

 

I do not think suggesting professional help is abusive at all. It seems from the letter that this person feels very hurt. I think that saying they cannot even be friends with you is honest. I think you are really "reaching" and looking to label them abusive when in reality, as was said before, you are 50-50 to blame. Can it be possible that two people are just not compatible or just don't work out and that is why there are hurt feelings? Does it always have to be "abuse" when someone does not meet our expectations or fulfill our needs? If takes two for a relationship not to function.

 

[I]Yes, you're right, people are responsible for things 50 / 50 and she won't admit that.[/i]

 

but then you say

 

I will take responsibility for my part in it, on my own!

 

She will probably just meet somebody who does what she says and who never questions her.

 

If you can take responsibility "on your own" why are you making a big deal that she "won't admit it" and that she will meet some sap that is blind to her? Part of taking responsibility for yourself and wanting your own space to do it is respecting that others deserve the same.

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I don't think i should have to have 'professional help' to have a friendship. None of my other friends have stipulated this.

 

If you only knew the background to this situation, i shouldn't have deleted part of my orig. post, did it to reduce length.

 

Anyhow, she has been controlling right from the start. She cuts people off when they "offend" her and treats them like little children. Everybody she has had issues with is to 'blame' somehow, how can everybody be wrong, but never her?

 

Her attitude sickens me. I did nothing whilst in the dating situation, in fact, i did everything i could to make her life comfortable. I revolved my time around her, paid for our meals occassionally, did the stuff you do when you're in love with someone. And what did i get in return? She abandoned me when i was sick, antagonised me because i had a relationship with my ex (friendship), when she's got pictures of hers all over the walls.

 

I have gotten to the stage where she is welcomed to find somebody else... Honestly, who can meet those standards?

 

An eg. of what she did was: she invited me over for dinner... Well, i had to end up cooking half the meal. Honestly, where is the hospitality in that? Yet, when i cooked for her, i laid it on thick. I bought dips and cooked the whole meal. What did i get? Scraps... What did i give? A hell of a lot more than that.

 

I think she is so used to getting her own way that she doesn't appreciate it when people make sacrifices.

 

The only thing i need "help" with is never letting this happen again... Having boundaries and trusting my own instincts.

 

I dunno, i'm pretty over it. She is controlling and i don't care if she is hurt. She's not the only person.

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