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Met up with the ex today...


guiltyflood

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First time in 2 months. She called an initiated the meeting, stating that she wanted to see how i was doing.

 

met up and chatted for about an hour. She wasn't mentally there, as she was up all night studying for a midterm.

 

she started off by giving me a big hug, and thanking me for actually coming to see her.

 

We then caught up for a bit. i told some stories, and made her laugh like the old days. I was my old cheerful, enthusiastic, funny self. i told her of my new hobbies and my new desires. i did my absolute best to give off the impression that i had moved on (which i have... at like 80%). At times, she would try to bring up the past relationship, in which i would try to change the subject smoothly, and I once said i didn't want to talk about the past.

 

At points, she said the breakup was for the best, that she wanted to end on good terms, and that she was always looking out for me. she said the breakup was us just being honest with ourselves. With that said, some previous backdrops to this story indicate she's not over me, but i'm not going to worry about that.

 

about 60 minutes in, her somewhat negative body language (due to her being tired) kind of carried over to me, and i decided to let her study. Our personal relationship is a bit cloudy, as I asked her what she had planned for the next week, to which she said she had some things at the house. When I half-jokingly asked her if i was invited (or if i wouldn't be invited), she responded with the "You can come if you want...." cliche, to which I don't exactly know what it means. It's more than apparent that we'll slowly move into LC in the form of minor chit chat. But, if certain things fall certain ways, i feel like i can get her back. Still, my priority is to keep bettering myself before her.

 

When i got up to leave, she gave me a big hug and held hands for a second. She was in a position where we could have kissed, but i quickly moved out before she had the option to (why fall back after 2 months of NC?). From there, i have readded her on facebook because i know i'm comfortable with seeing her profile again. But other than that, the options get cloudy.

 

NC? LC? NIC? or just play it off casually?

 

Or any other thoughts on how to take this?

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It really depends on how you feel man? Do you feel that having LC with her is good for you? do you think that feelings may start to come back and then you may fall back to square one? You have to really think about all those options. Me personally i wouldnt consider being buddy buddy with an ex until i knew i was 100% over her. To the point that when i met up with them, i didnt feel the same about them anymore because things changed. Like i said, it really depends on what you feel comfortable with.

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It really depends on how you feel man? Do you feel that having LC with her is good for you? do you think that feelings may start to come back and then you may fall back to square one? You have to really think about all those options. Me personally i wouldnt consider being buddy buddy with an ex until i knew i was 100% over her. To the point that when i met up with them, i didnt feel the same about them anymore because things changed. Like i said, it really depends on what you feel comfortable with.

 

Drew is right.

 

You seemed to have complete control of the situation and a straight head above your body. You seem calm and collected.

 

I would say NIC ... If you want to stay on friendly terms let her do the contacting.

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I would say NIC ... If you want to stay on friendly terms let her do the contacting.

 

This.

 

Let her initiate the contact, but don't be there every single time she reaches out. Let a day go by before you answer, and do it as casually as you can. Make it short and sweet.

 

Make her work for it.

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This.

 

Let her initiate the contact, but don't be there every single time she reaches out. Let a day go by before you answer, and do it as casually as you can. Make it short and sweet.

 

Make her work for it.

 

Agreed.

 

Guilty seems to be 1 up on a lot of us when were at this stage. A lot of us would of faltered and kissed and talked about the relationship.

 

He stood strong and now I bet she wants more.

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Agreed.

 

Guilty seems to be 1 up on a lot of us when were at this stage. A lot of us would of faltered and kissed and talked about the relationship.

 

He stood strong and now I bet she wants more.

 

Yeah, this will his ex sexually attracted to him, which can be both good and bad.

 

The good= You're not seen as "platonic" to her anymore, which is great news if you want to reconcile. People who date certain people date them because they're sexually attracted to them. It's only natural.

 

The bad= If you get into bed with her too quickly, she'll lose interest and move on. Basically, OP... Give her enough crumbs to leave her begging for more, but not the entire bread so that she'll take it and run with it, leaving you heartbroken all over again.

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Yeah, this will his ex sexually attracted to him, which can be both good and bad.

 

The good= You're not seen as "platonic" to her anymore, which is great news if you want to reconcile. People who date certain people date them because they're sexually attracted to them. It's only natural.

 

The bad= If you get into bed with her too quickly, she'll lose interest and move on. Basically, OP... Give her enough crumbs to leave her begging for more, but not the entire bread so that she'll take it and run with it, leaving you heartbroken all over again.

 

Bread crumbs I love it.

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It sounds like she initiated the breakup. If that's indeed the case, I would say NC is the definitely way to go. Ask yourself this question: Why would you want to be with anyone that at one point in time decided definitively she doesn't want to be with you?

 

It's tempting to wonder why she's reaching out to you now. Maybe she misses you. Maybe she finally realizes how wonderful you are. Maybe she's bored. In my opinion though, does it really matter? You should be asking yourself if you do get back together, what's to prevent them for breaking things off again?

 

I know I sound like the ultimate bitter ex, but I've been down this road. People who end relationships and appear to waver back and forth are very selfish people. They don't care how you feel. They only care about how they feel.

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For what I want, I just want to better myself first and foremost. with her, I don't want to rush into everything. I'd rather start over completely since I know what I did wrong.

 

but my mentality is to better myself first. if we decide to start over, that's the optimal solution for me at this time, since that accomplishes more than what I want, if that makes sense...

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For what I want, I just want to better myself first and foremost. with her, I don't want to rush into everything. I'd rather start over completely since I know what I did wrong.

 

but my mentality is to better myself first. if we decide to start over, that's the optimal solution for me at this time, since that accomplishes more than what I want, if that makes sense...

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It sounds like she initiated the breakup. If that's indeed the case, I would say NC is the definitely way to go. Ask yourself this question: Why would you want to be with anyone that at one point in time decided definitively she doesn't want to be with you?

 

It's tempting to wonder why she's reaching out to you now. Maybe she misses you. Maybe she finally realizes how wonderful you are. Maybe she's bored. In my opinion though, does it really matter? You should be asking yourself if you do get back together, what's to prevent them for breaking things off again?

 

I know I sound like the ultimate bitter ex, but I've been down this road. People who end relationships and appear to waver back and forth are very selfish people. They don't care how you feel. They only care about how they feel.

 

Any relationship carries an inherent risk that it will break up. Just because you broke up before does not mean that they are more likely to do it again. I broke up with my ex and then got back together with her. I intended on spending my life with her until she dumped me in her first semester of medical school. The point is, people can have a change of heart. Sometimes it takes breaking up to realize that the other person is what you want.

 

"Why would you want to be with anyone that at one point in time decided definitively she doesn't want to be with you?"

- Not everyone needs to hold a grudge like this. Things did not work out for whatever reason. The dumper should not be blamed for every (or even most) break ups. Most splits are because the dumpee engages in some sort of behavior that is unacceptable to the dumper. Sometimes that behavior can be changed and the relationship can be salvaged.

 

Being bitter and holding grudges is not going to get anyone anywhere in improving their relationship skills or in getting back together with an ex.

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JBaker,

 

Perhaps a little context maybe be helpful here. I dated this woman who became the love of my life. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Sadly, I came to realize one day that she did not feel the same way. When she broke things off, I was absolutely devastated.

 

I know I'm no saint. Like everyone else, I have my faults. I totally agree with you that some of these faults probably led her to conclude she didn't want to be with me. That I get. Having been in that position before, I fully understand that some situations are just not workable. What I don't get is for the dumper to continue reaching out to the dumpee. In my situation, she continued calling me, sending me emails, texts, etc.... She simply wouldn't leave me alone.

 

Some people can stay friends with their ex. I for one cannot. We were together for 3 years, sharing our most intimate thoughts and desires. We lived a life together where very little was off limits. To go from that to a state where she thinks a hug may be a bad idea because I may misinterpret the physical contact is not something I want to deal with. If you see that as me "holding a grudge," then I have to politely disagree.

 

I may have misinterpreted the OP, but it didn't seem like we're talking about a fight or anything like that here. It's not a couple arguing and trying to work it out. We're talking about an instance where for whatever reason, one party has concluded to call it quits, that it's not worth working for anymore. My points are why would you think you can change their mind and why would you want to? You have to assume that it's a decision they didn't reach lightly. They've thought it through. If they did reach it lightly and are looking to be persuaded, that to me is even worse. It means they're not taking the relationship seriously, and the answer is the same. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

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