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feelings when exes / ex-dates move on and settle quickly


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(Re-post from Finding .. Soulmate forum as it may fit here better)

 

No-one likes to learn that exes / ex-dates went and found someone else. But being practical, I know that the world has to keep on turning - it will happen.

 

With difficulty, I am owning up to the feelings I have been having for some time .. regarding the thought of my old ex from years ago and other women I have dated and been rejected by these last few years.

 

I have made a thread or two already saying how bewildered it makes me feel that some of these women, in some cases out of desperation, or out of low self-esteem ... throw themselves repeatedly into involvements with men until one of them finally says Yes to marriage. And once they have that, they walk on with a sense of justification that everything done to make that happen must be alright because it led to ... the ring they were dying for on their finger.

 

Let me be honest, I don't know for sure if my ex and other dates from the past are ALL now happily married - but looking at society, I get mortified that the odds are that they can hardly not be: for some women, online dating has given 'serial daters' a limitless supply of men to plunder and use until one of them finally says Yes to moving in together or getting hitched. My ex's MO was different - after she broke up with me, I have a feeling (unconfirmed) that she (a white woman) would hang around wearing not many clothes, in clubs popular with black men looking to score, and then pretend to herself that they were getting with her because of her personality.

 

In either example, all I see is emotionally unhealthy women using any means necessary to get the attention / the status they want - then after the fact, justifying it all by saying it was all in the name of true love. Society then fetes these people - even here on eNA I will be told by many of you to "not be so bitter", to "deal with it", "it's her life" etc etc

 

Of course, no prizes for guessing that all this is because I have not even been close to being with someone. I am not horrifically picky, my physical criteria for women are indeed broad ... but the very few times I have actually declined to date someone it has always been if I sensed that I was not going to be treated as an equal but as a cow to milk for money / attention / grand gestures. I do not want to be involved with rebound-ers at one end of the spectrum and on the other end, I also don't like the idea of utter relationship virgins - women who have gone their entire lives with flings and are only now considering getting serious with someone. In short, I want an emotionally healthy person with a capacity to feel and love.

 

Instead I get dispirited by how the people who have no such criteria are succeeding in the game all the time.

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Catfeeder, being brutally honest, I admit there is an element of "not keeping my eyes on my own paper".

 

But bear in mind, this is from a guy who has picked himself up repeatedly after being shunted to the side many a time. It's the nature of these things that each cut goes a bit deeper. Merely minding my own s*** , having a laser-like focus only on my own life is a commendable thing - but darn hard to do in practice.

 

Just to illustrate, this train of thought started when one such ex-date took it upon herself to email me a friendly "Hi" and "I'm married now, you know". All done with the best of intentions, no doubt. (The background in short is, IMHO, she had a fear of being alone and serially dated until someone said Yes. Ironically, I actually declined to be her rebound when we used to know each other, because I sensed an unhealthy thing).

I don't always ask for life to come and remind me of these things. S*** happens.

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[...] Just to illustrate, this train of thought started when one such ex-date took it upon herself to email me a friendly "Hi" and "I'm married now, you know". [...] I don't always ask for life to come and remind me of these things. S*** happens.

 

Understandable to want to address the specifics of a given situation. I just question the advantage of spinning it into some sort of historic trend among women given the associations you'll be tempted to make with your own future dating pool. ; )

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