Should I or shouldn't I?

[longtripalone]

I know I posted a thread earlier and ended up deleting it. It wasn't because I didn't like the answers, it's just that I wrote the entire thread when I was bawling my eyes out and just felt like getting sympathy from the ex and I realize how dumb I must have sounded.

 

I feel I should simplify my question from my previous thread. So here it goes...

 

First of all, let me just say that this is a CASUAL meeting with my ex. In fact, we'll be around other friends all night watching movies and having some drinks. We do this every Sunday and most of the time, it has ended up in a lot of flirting from the ex and even with him trying to cuddle with me, which is something we both agreed to stop doing in the past because it's only caused confusion. So I really doubt he'd be doing this if he didn't still have feelings for me, since he knows how much it means to me.

 

I, in fact, hate the work week and always look forward to Sundays with him... and my other friends of course . So I'm very much looking forward to spending the weekend giving myself the spa treatment until Sunday rolls around so that I'm lookin' good and refreshed when I see him. Of course I dread driving to work the next morning, but it helps to know I'll be seeing the ex the day before.

 

Let me just say this: I'm clearly not over my ex. I sometimes initiate conversation for the hell of it, just to see what he's up to and whatnot. He normally responds but sometimes it feels like he couldn't be giving much of a damn that I'm even talking to him. We engage in small conversation but it's definitely not how we used to text at all (even before we were dating). But for the past couple of weeks, he's the one sending texts every now and again asking what I'm doing and who I'm with and everything (not to pry about who I'm with... he's just curious because we share many mutual friends). It made me feel really good because this is something he hadn't really done since before the breakup.

 

Anyway, my question to you all is this (if anyone has bothered to read this far into my post

 

I have been very interested in other guys recently. Two, to be exact, that I definitely have my eye on. However, it's still very clear to me, to my friends, and unfortunately to my ex, that I'm still not over my ex. In my eyes at the moment, nothing can compare to the years he and I have spent together. Nothing. So even though these guys have potential and are VERY good looking, I still want to be with my ex.

 

So with that being said, should I casually bring up my interest in these other men to him? Maybe even... dare I say it... fib a little bit and say that I have a date with one of them later in the week?

 

I see it this way: I can "confide" in him like a friend. He's the one who wanted to be friends. He'll have to handle this "friendly" conversation. So, if he's truly cool with the friend thing, he'll have no problem hearing about this. Nothing gained, nothing lost. I'll realize that I need to move on.

 

Or... if he's bothered by it, do you think this will give him a kick in the ass? Let him know I'm not waiting around for him forever? Let him know others are interested in me? And even if it does bother him, but he feels like maybe he should try to move on because it appears that I'm moving on, should I send him a text the day after my "date" letting him know it was lame? That way, he'll know others are interested in me but still know there may be a shot?

 

I don't know, I'm just confused ](*,). I really want to be with him but it all depends on how Sunday goes.

 

Thanks in advance, Heather

[d24]

why play games? It just sends out mixed messages and toys with emotions.

 

If you want him back, talk to him about it. If he says there's no way it can be, you can get some closure which I really think you need. If he says there's a chance work out the issues that led to the separation.

 

I don't understand the whole 'pretend i'm moving on to get you interested in me again' because there's a HUGE risk attached - what if he sees you're moving on and does the same or proceeds to drop any candle he may still be holding for you? No... far too risky.

 

Communication is key here. If you want something, pusrue it directly and stop playing games.

[longtripalone]

Well the only thing of that is, is that we've already talked about it. He's never said there was no chance. And I did a lot of begging and pleading too and that got me nowhere.

 

But I can't keep up this push-pull thing he's got going. I WANT closure, that's the thing.

 

I'm not exactly pretending, really. I mean, pretending I've got a date is kinda dumb but I want to show him that there's others interested in me and that I won't wait around for him to make up his mind. Too many months now, I've been going through his push-pull stuff and I can't take it anymore. It seems like if he's going to do something, he would've done it already. So that's why I wanna kinda kick him in the butt a bit. But that's why I was also wondering if I should comment on the date being lame and boring? That way whatever "hope" he had for us (if any) in getting back together is basically back because I simply mentioned that I just wasn't feeling the connection with the other guy.

 

I don't know, I really do agree with what you are saying. That weighed heavily on my mind, which is why I'm asking everyone. At this point, if it doesn't phase him, then I can try to move on. If it does, and he wants me back, he needs to prove it... and if he thinks he should move on because I am, well then I don't want someone that doesn't want me as bad as I want them.

[Tanzi]

I think you are confusing yourself!! You are trying to work out what you should do for the best but you are, ultimately, looking for ways to get a reaction from him thus causing conflict and unnecessary confusion.

 

The best thing to do, IMO, is do (and say) nothing ... or at least unless asked. By exaggerating the truth you could end up slipping up and by overdoing the whole "friendly" conversation you could be making your intentions obvious and he may well see through the whole scenario.

 

My ex found out I was seeing someone else (he asked) and I was honest. He didn't much like it and it was so obvious he was jealous and at that point I really felt like he wanted me back ... yet he didn't do anything about it and when that relationship ended he still did nothing. So even if he did show jealous tendencies it may not lead to him doing anything. You still might not get the reaction you want and you could end up hurting even more.

 

I think your best bet is just to be coy and secretive and tell him only what he asks ... but not too much .. the not knowing may well drive him crazy. I know you want to give him a kick up the arse but I still think you need to be careful about doing it. Going too far and making things obvious, may have an adverse affect and if he found out that you were lying about your dates, well, that could just look like a lame attempt to win him back and who knows what affect that will have on him.

 

I don't think for one moment you should tell him that the date was lame as you will be inadvertently telling him that you aren't interested in other guys and that he has nothing to worry about. If he senses that you are moving on it will either affect him in the way you want or not. If it does he will react accordingly. I doubt he will go looking for someone else if he realises that it is you he wants. If its meant to be it will be.

[longtripalone]

Hmmm... very true, too.

 

So how do you think I should get things going? I don't exactly know how to show I'm over him (even though I'm not) because the last he checked in, it still seemed to him that I'm just waiting around for him to decide. So how should I act? I don't flirt much with him really when we do meet up... he's usually the one flirting. I don't cuddle with him when we're together... he's usually the one that tries to cuddle up to me. Yet he still seems to have the upperhand on me and knows it. So how can I flip this around? I don't want to tell him I'm uncomfortable with the flirting or cuddling... it really makes me feel great when he does... but I'm worried if he knows he's got the upperhand on me by me letting him do this and being completely okay with it? It may be just a friend and comfort thing to him, but to me, it's the world.

 

Or should I have a friend kinda hint around and ask me some things about these mystery men when he's around, and wait and see if he's got any further questions about it?

 

I'm very glad that I posted this first instead of diving headfirst into this on Sunday... you guys have given me a lot to think about!

[misslj]

I think the fact you are intereseted in not one but two new guys is a positive thing - OK maybe you're not ready to do anything about it, but the fact that you can even see it as a possibility is good.Kinda like if ur really sick the thought of eating makes you feel more sick, but then when u can start to think about eating without feeling sick you know ur getting better....

 

Maybe you should go on a date - see how it goes? Obviously you can make it clear to the guy that things have to go really slow and ur testing the water more than looking for a relationship but it might help you to actually move on rather than pretending to?

 

xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Jellybaby's post. I will also say that it wouldn't be fair to go out on a date with any guy while you are still of the mindset that by dating it will be a kick in the pants for your ex to want to get back together with you. Put the shoe on the other foot...if you thought one of those guys was interested in you and then you found out that they only dated you in order to hopefully get back together with their ex. It would likely make you feel used.

[longtripalone]

I think me being interested in other guys is a good thing too I'm glad I see other guys in a different light.

 

I actually did have a date last weekend (and honestly had planned to kind of hint that around to the ex, too) with a guy that's not one of the other two guys I'm interested in. I canceled though. I got cold feet. I shouldn't have canceled, but I wasn't exactly sure I wanted this guy to see me as more than just a friend. I don't know, maybe I'm just being stubborn. I really do want to get out there and go on dates, I really do. I'm just nervous about the whole thing.

[Tanzi]

So how do you think I should get things going? I don't exactly know how to show I'm over him (even though I'm not) because the last he checked in, it still seemed to him that I'm just waiting around for him to decide. So how should I act?

 

You just need to relax and be you. Stop reading into what you think you should be doing and do what you would have normally done if you were still friends. Be the normal happy, bouncy self you were before you dated. If he goes to give you a hug or a cuddle ... let him ... but instead of clinging onto him for dear life make it a brief hug, let go and move away to chat to someone else.

 

I really don't think you should start dropping hints etc. You said yourself that he has asked what you are up to. If there is anything to tell then that would be your cue ... but I still wouldn't make things up. Tell him as they are ... there are a couple of guys who you are interested in and you are thinking about going on a date with them. Leave it at that ... no more, no less and no untruths.

[longtripalone]

True. I don't want a whole tangled web of lies, because even if he doesn't dig to find out what's really going on, I kind of see the truth coming out somehow.

 

I just hate this whole waiting thing. Every week, we'll hang out about once, talk for the next two days or so, and then that's that and we won't see each other really until the next Sunday. It just feels like there's no progress.

[Tanzi]

I really do want to get out there and go on dates, I really do. I'm just nervous about the whole thing.

 

Well if that is the case, then do so but you need to be really honest with yourself first ... are you sure you its what you really want and it isn't fired from making your ex jealous?

[longtripalone]

Well if that is the case, then do so but you need to be really honest with yourself first ... are you sure you its what you really want and it isn't fired from making your ex jealous?

 

I know I'd LOVE to go out on some dates with the other guys I'm interested in. But accepting any dates from anyone else just doesn't seem appealing to me

[Tanzi]

I know I'd LOVE to go out on some dates with the other guys I'm interested in. But accepting any dates from anyone else just doesn't seem appealing to me

 

You mean other than these two guys or other than your ex? If it is other than your ex then maybe you just aren't ready. You like the idea of dating again when aren't ready for the reality of dating again.

 

You know, dating too soon could set you back. I went out on a date way to soon after my relationship with my ex-bf ended and all it did was make me wish I was with my ex even more. I compared him unfavourably to my ex ... I didn't mean to ... but everything he said and everything he did ... I wanted it to be my ex saying it and doing it. It sure didn't help. I don't want to put you off because if someone you click with comes along it could also turn your life around ... just be sure you are really ready.

[Ms Darcy]

I know I'd LOVE to go out on some dates with the other guys I'm interested in. But accepting any dates from anyone else just doesn't seem appealing to me

 

 

You are trying to spend time with your ex, going to the spa to look good for your ex, wanting to make your ex jealous. I think the first step is to move towards accepting that it's over and that he has rejected you ... repeatedly. You need to move on - that is what your tears are about hon. You are turning into a pretzel hoping to get him back when he's long gone.

[catfeeder]

If his curiosity is something you want to spark, I'd ditch the idea of verbal manipulation and just be absent from the whole deal for a few Sundays.

 

Giving someone the 'gift' of missing you can accomplish 100 percent of the work in half the time.