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I "don't know" how to forgive


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this might sound weird, but to me "forgive" is just a word with no meaning. if someone hurt me really bad, the memory will always be with me. depending on how severe it is. so how do i truly forgive?

 

i mean, i can get to a point where i don't care or be preoccupied with things so i temporarily forget. but once i remember again, all the resentful feelings just resurface.

 

i wish i can get permanent amnesia so i can start my life all over again.

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Lots and lots of time, my ex cheated on me twice over 6 years and it took me at least 3 years to completely let go of it. I would always have this resentment, depressed, whatever adjective you choose that went along with it. Some things are never forgivable, but you will eventually get to a point where you have "accepted" it, maybe not forgiven but come to peace with yourself over the subject. I'm not sure i ever truly forgave her, but i did accept it and was able to move past it.

 

I know you dont want to hear it but the one word answer is, time.

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I agree with tomb7us some actions are just too rotten to forgive. I don't believe in the whole ""forgiveness movement" where people cite the "feel good" message that forgiveness is for yourself and that is the only way you can let go. You don't have to forgive someone to let go. For me, forgiveness is for people who work hard at making amends, not for people who don't have any remorse over what they did. You can move on even if you don't forgive someone...you do that by making that person unimportant in your life and in your mind. Accepting that what they did to you was wrong, that you can't change what they did and that you can't change them. Then you focus your mind on other things and put the past behind you. It might always be a thorn in your side when certain things jog your memory and bring it to the forefront, but over time it will be less and less important to you.

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eash one of us has a bod memories Especially those of Hurtful words or actions done by other.To forget or not to forget is not the problem,because no one of us Has the ability to forget completely .But the most importent challange can be how Coexist with this .And how to smile even though you are hurt from the inside

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'Forgive' might be too charged of a word to be useful, especially where there's no need to keep an offender in your life. I find the term more useful when applied to myself.

 

When I look back at situations that make me cringe, I'm tempted to distract myself by blaming others for the outcome, but that's because it's painful to recognize things I could have done differently--such as walk away from that person long before the worst damage was done.

 

So I try to make my focus less about churning over someone else's part in my dramas, and more about 'forgiving' my own mistakes so I can learn how to operate differently going forward.

 

When I'm able to get clarity about my own faults, I can stop fearing them and start changing them. Considering other people from my past with the same faults is just a byproduct of this process. If I can be kind to my Self despite being my own worst critic, then some weird kind of x-ray vision into the motivations and fears that drive others allows me to view their behaviors in a less self-destructive way.

 

Letting go isn't about them, it's about my own stomach lining. It's liberating to know that I can gain new insights without need to attempt to rehabilitate anyone else. I can leave offenders behind while stripping them of any power to continue hurting me. That's not about changing them, it's about changing the way I look at their power over me--and disabusing myself of it.

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Hey i.need.help,

 

Forgiveness is quite difficult, especially when we are hurt by someone so close to us. You will never forget what your partner has done to you but with time they will become distant memories. It's also useful to fill that 'time', by that I mean to go out and have experiences which fill your memory with new thoughts and feelings, and that way your mind will start to create a seperation between Now and Then.

 

I have also found it useful to try and understand my Ex's perspective. By doing this I have realised that she wasn't trying to hurt me but simply reacting to her own thoughts, feelings, desires and fears. I do that to and I find it quite hard and hypocritical to judge someone for their faults when I often complain about others judging me for mine.

 

If they did mean to hurt you then you need to realise that this is likely to be a personality problem of their own and nothing to do with you.

 

If there is something wrong with you that is within your control and desire to change, then work on it and be grateful for the insight.

 

Feel angry, disappointed, frustarted, annoyed, sad and I mean really feel them. Focus on these feelings, let them make you cry, hit a punch bag, go for runs, scream, whatever you need to let the energy out without having to take it out on anyone else. Forgive you Ex because they are human too and share all the same feelings you do.

 

If you can let go of the anger and hatred in time you will heal at be at ease.

 

All the best,

 

Darren

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Forgiveness in cases of non-mutual breakup is meaningless, and it doesn't have to be a "bad" breakup, either. You can't turn back time and change what happened, the regret and/or bitterness can't be wiped away, because something that could've been isn't and that's that. Forgiveness is meaningless, because you will likely never be intimate enough with that person again for it to mean something. You can put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand why they did what they did, but the regret remains.

 

When it comes to behavior, you can be civil, polite, friendly, but the feelings are still there. You can't erase them, only consciously choose to ignore them. But this isn't forgiveness.

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