hmm from wanting to be in a relationship with me to silence

[JOYl]

so i met this guy about month ago and we got on really well. On the 2nd date he asked me how available i was , because he was ready for the whole package now and was looking for someone who was looking for the same thing.hes 39 , im 36.

 

So we began to date and got on great , he brought me to lovely places, always was a real gentleman, paying and opening doors etc.

 

we saw each other quite regularly and he contacted almost every day. He asked me were we dating so i said we were,We got physical around the 6th date and he called the day after to say that it was very special and that he really likes me.

 

On valentines day he brought me flowers and we went out and had a fantastic time and he asked if i would be his girlfriend, so we talked about that etc

 

last weekend we had a wonderful day out and then i cooked for him and we had a wonderful evening, Since Sunday i have not heard a word. I have not contacted either as he was doing the contacting previously?

 

im wondering has he poofed or what is the story?

[Nickk]

Perhaps trying to call him would be a start

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Perhaps he is not really sure about your level of interest since you are not initiating any phone calls to him. If you are now supposed to be his girlfriend and you have had sex with him, why are you still waiting for him to call you? Shouldn't you be comfortable enough to call him? Give him a call to chat..and then maybe arrange a date with him. It doesn't have to be left up to him.

[DN]

I agree with the others - it may be he thinks you are just not interested. Or is waiting to see if you are.

[BMP2CPM]

He could just be busy with something,eg work, family.

[BriarRose]

If you have not heard from him since Sunday, I would move on. For whatever reason, he has changed his mind or met someone. You may hear from him again, but i would explore other options.

 

I disagree with the others that he thinks you are not interested or is "waiting" for you to call him.

[JOYl]

why on Earth would he think i am not interested? i cooked for him for first time and we spent the day together..it is pretty clear i am interested if i agree to be his girlfriend.

 

He was able to contact me previously every day before that. At the 'new girlfriend ' stage i would expect the same level of contact, not a disappearing act.

 

As missKitty says its time to move on. I dont think a guy can be that busy that he cannot send a txt or email. those are just excuses.

[Batya33]

If this is someone you've known for over a month, and had intercourse with him and decided to be exclusive I think you should definitely be contacting him -- not more than he contacts you - but certainly at least, I don't know, close enough to half the time if you want him to do a little more of the initiating or if it's better for him if he calls you when it's more convenient for him. Why assume he is not interested - aren't you a little worried that something happened to him or have you seen him posting on his facebook or on line? I would agree if it had just been a few dates and you weren't serious and having serious talks, sure he might have lost interest, stranger things have happened but in this case it sounds atypical and worrisome as far as his well being.

[JOYl]

we did not become fb friends , he doesnt use it much anyhow. we dont use msn either.

so i have no idea.

 

im finding it confusing. He was a great guy, calling when he said he would, asking when id be available, when i replied back or called he would reply right away, no flakiness.

bringing me on really nice dates. I actually suggested the last date to go walking and i called him so i guess i did begin to initiate there. Even on the last date he was talking about future hiking we would do together * * * ?

i dont even know what id say if i call at this stage.

[JOYl]

 

maybe i poisioned him ;-p . I hope hes ok , im sure he is....

[Batya33]

What you would say

 

"Hi -I haven't heard from you after we had such a nice time the other day - are you ok? I was concerned that I offended you although everything seemed great the other day".

 

My guess is that there's something more to the story - something you're not sharing as far as your interaction with him - otherwise it's strange that you wouldn't call someone you'd been on this many dates with, been this intimate, and had serious talks with. Please don't stand on ceremony here - maybe he does want to see if you'll initiate more now that you're serious.

[JOYl]

no honestly there is nothing more to the story.We got on really well, physical was great also, he told me about his past, we had lots on common, I am not standing on ceremony here, i just dont feel like running after a guy. I just feel hurt there has been no contact since.

 

i guess that txt sounds ok to send.Im not sure though as i did nothing offensive, i was anything but.And asking him is he ok sounds a bit motherly. Why isnt he asking if i am i bloody ok

[HeartGoesOn]

My opinion is that if you've already been intimate with him, there has to be a deep and trusting connection in order to go that far. I would have absolutely no hesitation in calling him, and asking anything that comes to mind.

[JOYl]

>

so what would you say exactly?

[HeartGoesOn]

>

so what would you say exactly?

 

I think "Batya" gave you some great advice on what to say.

[DN]

why on Earth would he think i am not interested? i cooked for him for first time and we spent the day together..it is pretty clear i am interested if i agree to be his girlfriend.

 

He was able to contact me previously every day before that. At the 'new girlfriend ' stage i would expect the same level of contact, not a disappearing act.

 

As missKitty says its time to move on. I dont think a guy can be that busy that he cannot send a txt or email. those are just excuses.

 

You cooked for him and spent the day together and got intimate and because he has not called you are are assuming he has lost interest.

 

And yet - he took you out for dates, bought you flowers, spent the day with you and you were intimate --- and you have not called him. By your own standard - why would he not assume you have lost interest?

 

In other words - if he doesn't call you he must have lost interest. But if you don't call him - he should not assume you have lost interest.

 

There is a good chances that the relationship has become out of balance because you have not been doing your share of the calling and, as a result, he is not sensing a reciprocity of feelings.

[Ms Darcy]

It's not chasing to call him once. If you get no response, then you know that he may have lost interest.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

why on Earth would he think i am not interested? i cooked for him for first time and we spent the day together..it is pretty clear i am interested if i agree to be his girlfriend.

 

He was able to contact me previously every day before that. At the 'new girlfriend ' stage i would expect the same level of contact, not a disappearing act.

 

As missKitty says its time to move on. I dont think a guy can be that busy that he cannot send a txt or email. those are just excuses.

 

I am not sure why you are even waiting for him to call. Why can't you call him. If you are his girlfriend then why can't you initiate a call to him? Maybe he is fed up initiating calls and is waiting for you to call him. I know that if I am always the one calling someone the after a while I will say forget this, they can just as well initiate phone calls to me to show me that they are thinking of me as well. Look to your own behaviour before criticizing his. You both took this relationship to the next step of being boyfriend/girlfriend which means you too have the responsibility of contacting him.

[lavenderdove]

If you expect him to do all the calling and all the wooing all the time, then that is kind of a Victorian approach to dating.

 

Perhaps he wants this to be a more equal relationship, where you also show your interest in him and don't make him do all the relationship work.

 

This is simpler than you think... I'd text him and say, hey, i miss you, how about we go get some coffee?

 

Just treat him like a friend/lover/human being rather than a victorian suitor who has to constantly prove his love for you and initiate all the contact and effort.

[aldridal]

You're in your mid thirties. You should be adult enough to pick up the phone and initiate a phone call to a guy you are now in a relationship with, especially after a month.

 

From experience, after a month with my girlfriend, I slowed down contact with her to make her work for it a little bit. It's pretty important that relationships have balance, and if he initiates conversation everytime you guys talk, it's very possible he feels things are out of balance.

 

Pick up the phone and call him. It can even be really simple. "Hey, haven't heard from ya in a while, how's it going?"

 

There.

 

Talk about what you've been up to for the past few days, see what he's been doing, and then if the convo goes well, make plans for a date.

 

It's really not that hard. You should be mature enough to handle that.

[JOYl]

well he was being pretty Victorian and well it was nice to see that chivalry aint dead!!! opening car doors, pulling seat out in restaurant,flowers, calling me , paying for wonderful dates...always protecting me.

 

IM NOT SAYING AT ALL THAT HE NEEDS TO PROVE HIS LOVE FOR ME!

just that all was going really nicely the way it was.

 

if i do txt i agree ill do it in the direct way you describe,rather than asking is everything ok.

 

 

>

 

the relationship was just really 2 weeks old, not exactly a year old or a committed relationship. For me its still at the stage where the guy needs to be showing his interest.

Just because i am not his girlfriend does not mean it stops there....

 

thank you for all your help.

[Batya33]

Also, as far as getting hurt - you know he's put himself out there for you - made himself vulnerable by calling all the time, wining and dining you, being intimate, telling you how serious he is.

 

I will add if he is doing this as a test I think he's taken it too far - too much of a game - but your'e just as "guilty" by refusing to call him after all this time and in this situation.

 

Not truly analogous but when my now husband didn't get in touch with me for about a week I contacted him three times by e-mail - the first two were casual contacts about something we talked about, the third was "how are you/haven't heard from you/hope I haven't offended you" - it turned out to be a situation that wasn't personal to me and he definitely was going to call me/was very serious about me. When I did this we had been out on two platonic get togethers but had dated in the past and known each other for many years.

 

My point is, since we had an established friendship and since we had reconnected on a fairly serious, although platonic, level, I thought the benefit of putting myself out there far outweighed the risk that I would seem needy or clingy. And yes I felt foolish sending that third e-mail, nervous about it too but in the worst case scenario he would have "rejected" me and in that situation it was worth that worst case scenario and worth him knowing that I was really interested in him. This guy already knows you're really interested in him - and if he's changed his mind, knowing that you still are interested a week later is really no big deal.

[DN]

the relationship was just really 2 weeks old, not exactly a year old or a committed relationship. For me its still at the stage where the guy needs to be showing his interest.

Just because i am not his girlfriend does not mean it stops there....

 

 

How is this mindset working for you?

 

Clearly it isn't. Perhaps you need to adjust it. Guys like to feel that the woman is interested in them and also making an effort.

[JOYl]

 

what do you mean you wanted your girlfriend to work for it a little bit? work for whta exactly?

 

what you suggested sounds good. ill put it like that.

[JOYl]

 

and what do you call cooking him a really nice meal , bringing him with me to do an activity together.

 

Goodness it seems to me when i did start making an effort he stopped communicating!!

;-)