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Son is still unhappy about moving


SopLV

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My son and his family just moved to Las Vegas from Chico, California. It took me and his wife a lot of efforts to get them move here. My son is an engineer and he used to get paid just over 60K a year when he was working in Chico. His wife work part time as a veterinarian assistant. They have a boy together and his wife have a 7 years old from pervious relationship.

They finally moved here in September. My son got a job that pays him salary of 200K a year plus bonus. Now his wife is able to stay home as a house wife and the oldest boy is attending private school. His wife also finally got a SUV she has really wanted for a long time. Everybody seems much happier in general.

But my son have never seems happy at all. In fact his oldest son once told my husband that my son never smiled any more which is true when I think about it. My son also seems very cold and distant from every body and pretty much stay at work as much as possible, and whenever he’s home, he’d just sleep or lock himself in the office most of the time which is very uncharacteristic of him.

A couple of months ago, he starts to go up to Chico for the weekend once every month.

This weekend we tried to celebrate his birthday. We tried to take him to the strip for dinner. Before the food even came, he breaks down and says he cannot live here any more and left.

I know in Chico, he has a lot of friends and is very well known by many people. He also was almost always up to something and always doing something on his off day. He used to take his family out on a very regular base and seems much happier. So we tried to get him involved into something but nothing seems worked out.

Tonight not long ago, his wife came by and cried about how she thinks that the only way my son will be back to himself is if they moved back to Chico. This breaks my heart. I love my son very much and would like him to stay here and see my grandsons grow up. I also know that his wife is really happy to be here and the boys are getting the best education they could. But to put it as my husband says, my son has pretty much turned into a drone and I know this is really hurting the family.

Is there any chance my son will eventually learn to be happier here? Is there anything we can do to help? Or is moving back to Chico the only way he’ll be happy again?

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I'm not clear why you are surprised he is unhappy - it sounds as though the family put enormous pressure on him to move away from a place he loved.

 

Perhaps alone in the family, your son has grasped that happiness isn't simply a matter of having more money, or a 'better' school?

 

What would stop you moving to Chico to be near him and the grandchildren? (And if you think it would be impossible, perhaps that gives you some insight into the pressure you put on your son?)

 

Short answer - he is depressed. The answer for HIM is probably to move. Depression can often be related to anger, and it sounds as though he is angry (with good reason, from an outsider's point of view).

 

It is very understandable, but not wise, to play God with other people's lives, thinking we know best, but in this case, it looks as though your son was right after all. Now everyone has to be disrupted because I believe he is saying pretty clearly, he is going to move back whether or not anyone moves with him. What a terrible place for him to be in. He must be regretting caving in to the pressure - now he will feel he has to choose between his own misery and perhaps losing his family. Try to be understanding and supportive of him.

 

I'm sure you can resolve this but it's time to put him first instead of trying to make him do what everyone else wants. (IMHO)

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It seems that everyone thought of their own best interests except him - who was pressured in to moving to a place he didn't like with a high pressure job and into becoming the sole financial support for a woman who wants to stay at home and buy SUVs.

 

Very nice for everyone but him. I think someone needs to start thinking of his best interest before something snaps within him.

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We put a lot of efforts in getting him to move here because for most of his life after he graduated from high school, he has been something of a nomad. He didn’t settle down until he was in Chico and have been living there for six years before they moved down here.

We thought since he’s well known by people in his area, he’d love the opportunities to meet more new people here. Also he’s very involved in tons of actives in Chico, he have a group of friends that he’d go mountain biking, biking, snowmobile, ATV, kayak, and other things with. He also often take his family out to swim at one of many swimming spots, to tube down the river, snow tubing, and other things.

They also have a couple friends that they’d go out to restaurants with every weekend. They and their friends also host a BBQ and invite eachother over very often.

He was very involved with the community and would take his family to almost every community event such as farmer market, any show that may be happening, and other events.

So we thought that he can find most of those things here. His wife enjoys living in Chico, but she wants something new in life. She has been so thrilled about everything that Las Vegas has to offers. She says she does miss a couple of things in Chico, but love living in Las Vegas. She loves the culture, all night life, high paced life style, how good the educations are, exposure to various cultures, and everything. She also says that she really believe this is a great place to raise a family in.

She has tried to take him to clubs, shows, upscale restaurants, talk him into buy his dream car instead of driving a jeep which is the only vehicle he drove his whole life, got him into actives, and other things. He find the people to be very fake and cold, hate being in club, have no desire to drive anything beside jeep, and doesn’t seems to clicks with anyone over here.

We’re getting to the point where we feel like there’s nothing that will ever make him feel at home here and it is really breaking our heart. We want him to be happy but it just seems like he cannot be happy here for some reason which we cannot figure out why.

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It seems to me that everyone assumed - and is still assuming - that they know what is best for him and it is probably more than coincidental that what you assumed was best for him happened to be what was best for all of you as well.

 

You get to see the grandchildren, his wife doesn't have to pursue a career and can drive a nice shiny new SUV, the kids get to do what they want - and he is miserable, lonely and unhappy.

 

He is probably withdrawing from the family because he feels pressured, lonely, the sole financial responsibility for the family rests on him and he sees everyone else enjoying the fruits of his labour while he is miserable.

 

I think you all need to re-evaluate how you have handled this.

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What strange logic! He was a nomad and then found a place where he settled for 6 years, so you forced him to move..?? Were you perhaps punishing him in some way?

 

Why do you come accross as more concerned for his wife than for him, I wonder.

 

I'm just trying to imagine this same logic applied to other contexts...

 

"My little girl doesn't seem happy. She went to a school just down the road and had lots of friends, so we thought it would be good for her to make lots of DIFFERENT friends in another school.."

 

"I love to eat roast chicken so my husband makes me eat beef every week because if I like chicken, he figures another meat will be good too."

 

"I broke my arm and when they put it in a cast it healed, so I figured it would be great to put both my legs in a cast too... But I don't seem to be walking too well."

 

However much you repeat your materialistic justification for your interference in his life, you have moved him away from the only place he ever settled, you seem to have no realisation of how much he misses his friends and social life, and you justify it all by his wife having a new car.

 

I really can't imagine why you are even asking for advice - what would your ideal solution be? "We want him to be happy" - well then, let him move back. And move there yourself if you want, it sounds as though you have a great life where you are so by your logic, it should be easy for you to pick it up in Chico... ](*,)

 

btw if he's never driven anything but a jeep, that probably IS his dream car!!

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What strange logic! He was a nomad and then found a place where he settled for 6 years, so you forced him to move..?? Were you perhaps punishing him in some way?

 

Why do you come accross as more concerned for his wife than for him, I wonder.

...

 

However much you repeat your materialistic justification for your interference in his life, you have moved him away from the only place he ever settled, you seem to have no realisation of how much he misses his friends and social life, and you justify it all by his wife having a new car.

 

I really can't imagine why you are even asking for advice - what would your ideal solution be? "We want him to be happy" - well then, let him move back.

Quoted for truth.

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She says... She loves... She also says... she really believe... She has tried...

Have you even talked to your son? If I were him I would be thinking my parents had got the daughter they always wanted, and no longer (if they ever had) considered my feelings...

 

He find the people to be very fake and cold

Have you considered that he might be right? I've lived in places where it was all about the school and the car, and I was as unhappy as your son. Sadly, you have different values, and what you are seeing is the equivalent of having a warthog as a housepet. (No insult to your son there!)

 

Perhaps you've lived there so long YOU are in danger of being cold yourselves?

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