Please Help me out...

[Cyrus6734]

Hi, I've registered to this site because I find myself having some relationship issues.

 

Basically, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. You could say that our relationship is long distance. He lives about 45 minutes away and is working and goes to college. I get to see him, usually, about once a week. I try hard to be strong and understand that he can get pretty busy, but I'm running out of excuses for his lack of communication and selfishness.

 

The most recent problem is that I had made plans to pay for us to go out to a hotel for the weekend, and spend some quality time, together. We've been doing it, but he's been paying everytime, so I wanted to be the one to pay for it to try and relieve some stress. We were supposed to go 2 weeks ago, but he got streph throar, so we couldn't.

 

Anyways, he just started his new job this week, and he wasn't sure if he could go, anymore. Last night, I asked him if he found out about if he was working or not , and he wasn't sure yet. He said that they would tell him, today.

 

Well, I was checking his twitter(also last night), and I noticed that he asked someone to hang out during the weekend not , and I automatically felt the tears coming up. He had told me literally 30 minutes ,before he asked them, that he would find out tomorrow. And he didn't find out about the fact that he DID have to work until 2 this afternoon. I don't understand what that's about.

 

On top of that, he doesn't talk to me much at all, anymore. It just seems like he won't make an effort at all to be with me. He tells me that expectations are never good but I can't help but to have some expectations in our relationship! Please help me. I love him so much, and I just want to know how to deal with this.

[hannah_k]

Hey doll,

 

I hate to tell you this. But those sound like signs that he's mentally checking out of the relationship. But don't take my word for it. Talk about it with him first.

 

That's really insensitive of him, even to post it on a social networking site. He doesn't sound like he's really regarding your feelings.

[Cyrus6734]

I don't think he does very much at all. It hurts to know I'm sitting here crying, and he's probably fine. I understand stress. I understand being in certain moods, but I can't keep making up excuses. I'm very serious about this relationship, so I'd like to try talking to him, but I don't know how to go about doing it.

[hannah_k]

Ok. I totally get that. That's one of my biggest things is being able to sit down and talk to my guy about things that bug me.

 

So, sometimes I write it down. If you're not sure how he'll respond or you're worried he won't listen, the you can write him a note.

 

At the very least, make a list and put it in the order that you want to talk about. Maybe suggest taking a break for awhile to assess the way each of you feel before making a decision. I know it's hard. But maybe give yourself the chance to work out how you're feeling.

 

Maybe he's just in a funk. Sometimes we push away the ones we love most. But it doesn't make it right. (Sorry for the cliche, by the way.)

[Cyrus6734]

Okay, I feel like it needs to be discussed as soon as possible, but i'm not sure whether I should actually say it or speak it. I'm leaning towards speaking because he wouldn't be able to ignore the message for a few hours and then respond like he sometimes does. But, also, I find that I'm less argumentative when I type.

 

Also, I'm afraid i'll submit to him, and ignore it. I do it a lot. It's so hard not to.

[hannah_k]

So just type it out and then bring the paper with you when you talk. Tell him to just give you a few minutes to get everything out.

[Cyrus6734]

Okay, I'm going to try this. If this conversation doesn't work out, then I think i'll just have to propose a break.

[hannah_k]

Yeah. It's really tough. Especially when you're young. But I promise that you've got a lot ahead of you and if he decides not to stick around, then it's his loss

[Cyrus6734]

Okay, thank you so much. It means a lot to know that I'm not crazy, and my emotions are justifiable.

[hannah_k]

Absolutely. I've been there with the whole long distance thing. It's hard.

[Ms Darcy]

Hon, he's not worth a single one of your tears. It sounds like he's not being too considerate of the relationship. Why not ask for a break-up instead of a break?

[Cyrus6734]

The conversation I just had with him.

I'm sorry it's long but I feel lost with how this went. One minute it feels fine and the next is just.... confusing. Bad confusing.

 

Dingo: hey. I can't get service on my phone

me: okay

Dingo: what's up?

me: do you have a bit?

Dingo: sure.

me: okay

Sent at 5:23 PM on Thursday

me: i have a few things i want to talk about

me: this one has been bothering me, lately. Were we going spend this weekend away if you didn't have work?

Dingo: I don't know

me: Why not?

Dingo: Because I didn't. I'm not sure how to answer that

me: I mean, what did it depend on?

Dingo: I guess how I felt?

Sent at 5:27 PM on Thursday

me: Before I go any further,I want you to know I'm not trying to show anger towards you. So if you feel like I'm trying to stress you out or anything, I promise you i'm not.

Dingo: ok

me: I love you

Dingo: and I you

me: You told me that you wanted to, so I was under the impression that we were going if you didn't have work.

And, two nights ago, i asked you if had found out about work, and you said no

because you didn't find out until Wednesday right?

Dingo: yesterday, yeah

me: That's why it really hurts that you asked someone else to hang out this weekend, and you didn't even know if you had to work or not

What was that about?

Dingo: oh

I dunno. I wasn't really planning anything. I figure at somepoint I'd see Haley?

me: where did you think you'd see her?

Dingo: jeez, I don't know.

me: Don't get mad at me, please.

Dingo: ok

me: I just want to know the truth

Dingo: Well I've told you.

me: okay.

me: Lately, you've been acting like you're mentally "checking out"

of this relationship.

And i'm sorry if this sounds stupid to talk about, but I want to be able to feel better knowing I said what was on my mind

Dingo: that's ok

me: And I mean mentally checking of this relationship

*out

Dingo: I understand

me: do you feel like you have?

I know you're busy and that's a factor, but is it more than that?

Dingo: I don't know. I've been thinking about it.

me: tell me

Dingo: tell you what?

me: what you've been thinking about

Dingo: oh. just everything that's happened over the past 6 months and what will come after

and such

Sent at 5:41 PM on Thursday

me: could you be more specific?

Dingo: nothing really specific. Just trying to figure out what I'm doing and what I want etc.

Sent at 5:42 PM on Thursday

me: Can I ask what you're feeling in term of us?

*terms

Sent at 5:44 PM on Thursday

Dingo: i don't know. it changes a lot.

me: Do you know what it is, now?

Dingo: Right now I just feel badly that I can't tell/give you what you want

Sent at 5:49 PM on Thursday

me: hmmm

well, what is it you think that is?

Dingo: I' not sure.

Sent at 5:51 PM on Thursday

me: I know you care

Dingo: Right now I just feel badly that I can't tell/give you what you want

Sent at 5:49 PM on Thursday

me: hmmm

well, what is it you think that is?

Dingo: I' not sure.

Sent at 5:51 PM on Thursday

me: I know you care

and i know you're frequently busy

and that's why i try hard to keep that in mind.

Dingo: but I don't think it's fair for you to keep waiting patiently

me: And even then, I need to work on it more

Dingo: no

that's no way to be

me: It isn't fair, you're right.

Dingo: I know

me: It mostly sucks as a matter of fact

Sent at 5:55 PM on Thursday

me: However, i l love you to bits, and that's why I'm bringing this up.

Dingo: I understand

me: It's easier to think of solutions together

me: I would say that we probably have the equivalent of a long-distance relationship, yes?

i mean, not as bad as most people, but still

Dingo: I guess, yeah.

Sent at 6:00 PM on Thursday

me: The fact is your life is very busy, and I definitely don't

expect you to change that

Sent at 6:01 PM on Thursday

Dingo: It's not that busy.

Sent at 6:03 PM on Thursday

me: i mean, it's busy enough to where we don't get to talk that much

or am I missing something?

Dingo: no no

me: I've thought of things that I could do to alleviate things

me: and, if you don't mind letting me know about times when you're to busy to converse at all, that could help out some.

and I know I can be intrusive, sometimes, so I think getting a job after this show will help out some.

to keep me busy

me: or maybe those won't work. i don't know.

tell me what you think

Dingo: I think you should do whatever you want to do.

or whatever you have to do

me: Please don't give me that answer...

Sent at 6:11 PM on Thursday

me: I'm not asking you to lead my life for me. I'm just asking

for you to involve yourself in us.

Sent at 6:13 PM on Thursday

me: Telling me to do whatever is like telling me "it doesn't matter to me what you do"

Dingo: well that's not what I meant. or what I said.

me: Why do you answer with that?

Dingo: Because it's what I want.

for you to be/do what you want.

for yourself. and not because of "us"

me: What about what I want you to do?

Dingo: I'm not perfect.

me: I'm not looking for perfect

Sent at 6:17 PM on Thursday

me: It hurts me to think that you don't want me to do things for

us.

I'm not always going to do things for myself

Sent at 6:21 PM on Thursday

Dingo: I want you to be your own person.

first and foremost.

me: I already am

Dingo: ok. good

Sent at 6:22 PM on Thursday

me: I want to be with you. I want to do things for you and for me. For us.

I don't understand what's wrong with that

Dingo: It's probably just me.

I have to go eat now. And figure some things out.

me: hold on

Do you want to do things for

us? Or do you want to do things for yourself, alone?

Dingo: why are those my only choices.

me: They aren't

let me reword this

before i do, are you home?

Dingo: no! I'm at school

I had class.

me: sorry, just popped in my head

Dingo: I have improv soon

me: okay, please let me just finish discussing this, i'll try and hurry it up

Do you want to do things for us when it comes to us?

Sent at 6:30 PM on Thursday

Dingo: sometimes

me: why can't i?

Dingo: I guess you can.

me: Why don't you want me to?

Dingo: because I want you to be your own person.

that's all

me: So you still don't want me to?

Even if I am my own person?

Sent at 6:34 PM on Thursday

me: Can I not want to and be

my own person?

Dingo: yes you can.

me: then, why is it a problem?

I promise im not doing this to stress you out

Dingo: I guess it's not a problem

Can I go eat?

me: yes

thank you for talking to me

Dingo: no problem. I'll talk to

you later.

me: do you feel any better?

Dingo: mostly I feel hungry.

me: Okay, I'm sorry

Go eat

I love you

 

How do you feel it went, and does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about talking to him next time?

[Maya_A]

Im sorry OP, I don't think it went well.

 

Others may see it differently but I saw someone giving you extremely vague, un-invested answers at best. At worst, he seemed to be saying he really isn't sure how interested he is.

 

In the middle of things he just bluntly, emotionlessly announces that he has to go eat. Then later says "can I go now"? I don't think that "cool" at all but maybe it was just the worst timing for him to talk in terms of both location (at school) & his unknowing mindset about things, who knows.... Still, there are much better, kinder, more sensitive ways of telling someone.

 

And when you said "do you feel better"? He said "I mostly feel hungry"! I thought that was very telling. Just not into it or interested. Again.. maybe it was because he is confused right now -- don't know.

 

Sorry to say, but the overall feeling I get from that conversation is that he is seriously questioning his interest in this relationship, for whatever reason/s....

[Cyrus6734]

Well, after the long period of crying I had ended, I really thought about everything, and made a decision on the case. All of what we've dealt with for the past few weeks is starting to make sense.

 

I think it's a about time I went and truly "found myself". You know, discover on what it is I am really looking for and trying to be the kind of person I want to be.

I've realized that I started to base myself off of this relationship which, as I now know, is such an unhealthy way to go about it.

 

My plan is to talk to him tomorrow about it. As far as deciding to find myself, I'm pretty sure he will support it. However, he's going to have to take responsibility for the way he has done wrong by me. I'm not "bound" to him like I used be.

 

I finally feel like my life is going to unfold itself(in a positive sense) whether i'm with him or not.

 

Thank you for those who gave me encouragement. All of your words helped me in some way. I know it's not all easy sails from here, and I still might have some problems to discuss in the future, but at least now I know my happiness is possible even if my relationship doesn't work out.

[Maya_A]

I finally feel like my life is going to unfold itself(in a positive sense) whether i'm with him or not.

 

Thank you for those who gave me encouragement. All of your words helped me in some way. I know it's not all easy sails from here, and I still might have some problems to discuss in the future, but at least now I know my happiness is possible even if my relationship doesn't work out.

 

That's beautiful & awesome cyrus.... You are courageous as we oftentimes need to be on our healing path...

 

All the very best wished for you...