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New Relationship? Profile still on website?


nothealing

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So I've been dating this new guy for 2 months now, we called it official after a month although it was a rocky start with him saying he didn't know what he wanted, was still getting over his ex, wants to have fun etc. But things turned around when I said if that's how it was I didn't want to see him anymore.

 

Since then we've spent all our free time together, we talk everyday, and we even went on a trip together.

 

However his profile is still on the online dating website, and he logs in every couple of weeks. I took mine down the moment we said we would stop seeing other people and to call it 'official'. He is also still 'single' on his facebook.

 

I know this is horrible and I shouldn't be affected by all this, but I just can't develop much trust. I opened a new account and e-mailed him. Im planning to see if he responds and ask him out on a 'date' and if he does agree, I don't even know what I'm gonna do.

 

Very unhealthy but Id rather do this than ask him face to face about why his profile is still there. Cynical is me.

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It's one thing to forget to delete his profile, but to log on every couple of weeks. It sounds like he's holding onto something. He may want to play the single life while still having you around. Don't be a doormat.

 

But you shouldn't have to be sneaky either. How'd you know about his online dating site account?

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Though I find your tactic interesting, I think it is extremely unhealthy and not a good way to start a relationship. As HARD as it is (and I know it is hard) to bring stuff like this us, you really must do it. Be strong and blurt it out.

 

You should have left your profile UP until you had the conversation with him. You don't have to check it but it makes the conversation easier if you can say "So, do you think we should take down OUR profiles?"

 

It sounds like he is not fully invested fully in this relationship YET, but heck, it is early on. 2 months is really not that long. Even if you spend lots of time together.

 

But, it would bother the crap out of me too! Especially if you see him log on. Lots of times on those sites, I think people get a wee bit addicted to seeing who is interested in them!!!!! It is a confidence boost. And some people feed on it in their free time.

 

But, since you already made this fake profile (where did you get your picture?), then wait to see what happens? What did you say in your profile? Did you put everything he is interested in ?!?!?!

 

I think putting too much pressure on a new relationship to be Exclusive is a bad move --- you should have also "had fun" and let things fall as they may instead of saying you didn't want to keep seeing him if he wasn't ready after 1 month. 1 month is like no time. It seems like a long time AT THE TIME, but it really isn't.

 

On facebook, if YOU change your profile to in a relationship WITH someone, it requests them to accept this. Have you done that? Are you in a relationship, or in a relationship WITH HIM? Did he deny your request?

 

I don't think your moves are cynical === but I think they are immature.

 

ASK HIM.

Buck up and ask him.

 

Worst case: he is a jerk! he wants to date other women! you need to know that sooner than later!!! Put your profile back up and keep on dating!!!

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OK. The reason why I put pressure on it wasn't because I really wanted to. It was because we were having sex and I wasn't comfortable with him still seeing other women whilst we were so intimate. That was my problem and probably allowed intimacy too early .. and if he still wanted to see other women, that was fine, just that I couldn't see him anymore.

 

So what should I do? Take the fake profile down and just approach him??

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I think that would probably be best. It's less sneaky and you'd come accross much less accusing if you just ask him. It's better to take the high road, you know? That way, whatever happens, you can at least say you were mature about it.

 

Try to be understanding, too. He may just be apprehensive. Most guys are at the onset of something serious. Even the good ones.

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Okay, this has happened to me. Twice. The first time I handled it very poorly (though, I never made a fake profile...that takes some guts!), and it did not go well. But, he was a game player and wasn't serious about our relationship anyway, so it was a good red flag to catch.

 

The second time was with my current boyfriend. We met, dated, everything was great, he asked for exlusivity...and his profile was still up. I stewed on it for a week or two, checking to see if he would log in, and then I decided to swallow my pride and talk to him about it.

 

He said, "absolutely, you're right, that shouldn't be up there. I haven't contacted anyone, but I just didn't take it down. I log in sometimes just to see who has emailed out of curiosity, but I have not been in contact with anyone else." He immediately took it down, and 1.5 years later, we have never had a trust issue.

 

So, the point is: if this guy likes you and you talk to him about it, there should not be an issue. In this situation, I think being straightforward really pays off, either way.

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Guts. and Money. I think you're right. I'll just ask him later on. I can't believe I have to wait a whole 16 hours before I can ask him on the phone. Although i'VE sent that message thru that fake profile, I've hidden the profile. I just hope he responds to me in the same way your boyfriend has.

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If one person still has a dating profile up, there is no committed relationship. I'm sorry. No need to even ask. I am sure he is aware - he's the one who put it there and still logs in occasionally. It means he wants to keep his options open, so I would do the same and put yours back up.

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If one person still has a dating profile up, there is no committed relationship. I'm sorry. No need to even ask. I am sure he is aware - he's the one who put it there and still logs in occasionally. It means he wants to keep his options open, so I would do the same and put yours back up.

Why not have an adult discussion about it? If she asks and he does not want to be committed and wants to leave his profile up, then yes, she should decide from there whether that's okay and she wants to put hers back up. But doing it without having a discussion seems a little immature and self-defeating.

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So I texted him. I said. Is there a reason why his profile is still up there and he still logs in. Are we still seeing other people?

He then quickly denies that he logs in often - just logged in to check when his 6 months are up (wat the heck for right.. he has only been on it for 2 months anyway..) he said he just forgot it was up and he never gets any mails anyway. And he says if guys don't e-mail anyone no one will e-mail him and he hasn't. And that its not like girls. He then said can we not have this suspicious period.

 

Anyway I came back tonight from work and lo and behold his profile is still there.

 

There goes my 'adult conversation'.

 

See. Knew it was too good to be true if he responded like your boyfriend!!

Dunno what to do now. That is so annoying. I'm tempted to put profile back on to see if he will reply to that e-mail. -_- I'm sure he's gonna have a chat with me about it later - and I'm sure he's gonna say he finds nothing wrong with just leaving the profile there. -_-

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Text?!? You're killing me! This is an in person conversation - you gotta be able to gauge his reaction, and it's too important to text about. As for all of the denials - it could be one of two things, first of all: when people are accused and feel guilty, they lie. Sometimes even if they didn't do anything wrong, they lie. It could also be that he is doing inappropriate things, and you have reason for concern.

 

Sit down and talk to him about it - tell him that you want an exclusive relationship and and if he chooses to keep his profile up, that's outside of your boundaries. If he continues to evade you, dodge the question, or keep his profile up - don't feed into it. Walk.

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If one person still has a dating profile up, there is no committed relationship. I'm sorry. No need to even ask. I am sure he is aware - he's the one who put it there and still logs in occasionally. It means he wants to keep his options open, so I would do the same and put yours back up.

 

This isn't as black and white to me - there are some dating websites (OKCupid being the best example) that is also used for friendship and/or other things like quizzes. An ex and I met through OKC and we both kept our profiles up throughout the duration of the relationship. We both logged in once a week or so; I was always curious to see who was looking at my profile (though I NEVER would've contacted anyone or reply to messages), and I took quizzes. I also still had friendship listed as a "looking for."

 

Granted, we both stated clearly on our profiles that we were "in a relationship," but it's just not this cut and dry.

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Why not have an adult discussion about it? If she asks and he does not want to be committed and wants to leave his profile up, then yes, she should decide from there whether that's okay and she wants to put hers back up. But doing it without having a discussion seems a little immature and self-defeating.

 

Because if he was interested in a committed relationship with her, his profile would not be up. Having a "discussion" does not always do the wonders people think it will. Some things are just common sense.

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Well there you go, then. You expressed how you felt and he still did not remove it. Time for you to put yours back up

 

Um, is there any way he might not have been at a computer to remove it by the time she got home? Just playing devil's advocate here?

 

And why play a passive aggressive game by putting her own profile back up?

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^^ this.

 

Listen, this guy could be a complete heal - but playing a game and putting your profile up and down seems ridiculous. Conversations don't always go the way that you want them to, but that doesn't mean that they're pointless.

 

And this is the beginning - this is the time to establish how communication is going to work if/when this does become a committed relationship.

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I just have to point out that you shouldn't handle things like this over text message. Tone can be interpreted wrong. For example, you may have meant it as just asking a question. But it is way to easy for him to read that as accusing him of something. How he interprets your intention affects how he responds. Have these conversations in person, or at least over the phone. Never over text.

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If one person still has a dating profile up, there is no committed relationship. I'm sorry. No need to even ask. I am sure he is aware - he's the one who put it there and still logs in occasionally. It means he wants to keep his options open, so I would do the same and put yours back up.

 

I agree. And honestly, I wouldn't have had sex until I was more confident that it was a committed relationship. I don't judge you for having sex just saying that you might have jumped into that before he felt committed enough to not keep 'looking' on the site.

 

Two months is still very new. I am not sure I'd know that I wanted to fully commit to someone that soon and probably would still have my profile up too. And i wouldn't have slept with the guy so soon either, but I move at a slower pace. It's ok that you had sex if you wanted to, but you can't assume that everyone else feels that sex ties them to exclusivity...not everyone thinks that way. You also cannot assume that because you spend so much time together he feels you are exclusive. I never assume I am exclusive until I have had that conversation and really feel comfortable with the answers I get.

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And to add..the REAL thoughts on his mind are what he told you at first, that he didn't know what he wanted and not fully over ex. HE only said what you wanted to hear to keep you dating him. I don't think he is in any good mindset right now to commit to you fully. Even though he said the words you wanted to hear, his actions say otherwise. You need to watch what a person does, not what they say.

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