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Insecure boyfriend lusting after other women


nutbrownhare

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I've tentatively been seeing a guy for the last few months; he has from the very start been overt about fancying other women, sending me pictures of celebrities he finds attractive, telling me about woman he's met and so on. I didn't think anything of it, really, because he was so overt.

 

Recently, though, he contacted another woman on a specialist interest forum - privately - and later, when she fell out with several forum members, she drew a caricature of my fella, resplendent with a huge erection, portraying him as someone who was pleased to see her. I'm pretty sure that what he contacted her about was innocent enough, but I read all this feeling that I'd be quite humiliated if it was widely known that we were together. The next time he remarked in a chatty email that he'd met someone else who was really attractive, along with a description of her, I found myself thinking 'Well, why don't you just get on with it?'

 

Last weekend we were staying with a friend of his, a guy I know by reputation but had never met before - and his friend and I really, really hit it off - lots in common, lots of laughter etc. Once we were alone, my bf asked if I fancied the other guy, to which I replied 'Not in the slightest, but he's a great bloke!' Then he asked if I still loved him. I responded positively, but feeling no, something's missing.

 

Once I had a chance to think about it, and had got back home afterwards, I told him via email that his very frequent references to other women were beginning to chip away at my feelings for him, and included a couple of excerpts from his emails to make it clear exactly what I was talking about.

 

I got a very angry response. It is chipping away at my feelings for him more than anything that has happened before. There are lots of practical problems within this relationship and it would take a lot of emotional commitment to keep things going. Right now I feel I just can't be bothered.

 

Any thoughts?

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I can see how this is all very disrespectful to you. I am not a fan of angry responses via email. Do you think you two can have a sit down conversation and try to understand the other person's perspective?

 

More than that, can you look into the future and feel comfortable with his behavior concerning other women as time goes on?

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It is strange that he's so open with how he feels about other women. So long as he's not acting on it I wouldn't be worried. However, he has acted on it by messaging another woman privately and then having her send that picture to him. It just sends the wrong message and is not right IMO if he's in a committed relationship. The fact that he continues to drool over other women is strange to me and a big red flag. You should be the one he's head over heels for - there is nothing wrong with joking until it starts to seriously bug your SO.

 

As for his friend - do you have feelings for him? I assume you are smitten with him a little seeing as how you decided to mention how you hit it off with him. Also, it seems like it was that attraction that prompted to you stir the waters and have the courage to talk with your bf (rightly so).

 

Even if he does agree with you that being so open isn't right - it doesn't mean he won't continue to have these thoughts and make these approaches behind your back. Especially since he responded angrily to you pointing it out. Personally, I don't feel too positive about him and believe you might need to move on...

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Thanks for that, Ms Darcy and melrich - writing it all down so other people can understand it always clarified things for myself...! Throughout our relationship, he has been absolutely paranoid about other men, getting upset about male friends leaving silly messages on my website and so on; I gently suggested a while ago that actually he spends far more time lusting after other women than I ever would over other men, and he laughed it off and said that nothing was ever going to happen, was it?

 

However, the tone of the email was that he shouldn't have to worry about what he says to me, that he likes things to be out in the open and how dare I quote bits of his previous emails at him, making it feel like evidence for the prosecution. I'm not so much worried about him cheating as the double standard going on here and lack of respect for my feelings.

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As for his friend - do you have feelings for him? I assume you are smitten with him a little seeing as how you decided to mention how you hit it off with him. Also, it seems like it was that attraction that prompted to you stir the waters and have the courage to talk with your bf (rightly so).

His friend is really, really weird looking, and not the sort of guy I'd fancy in a million years. Great bloke, though!

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This guy either doesn't have a clue or doesn't care about your feelings at all. What guy thinks it's cool to constantly talk about women they think are hot with their GF? That's just strange. You told him about something he does that's bothering you and he got mad. He shouldn't have been privately messaging that woman in the first place. He sounds like he'd eventually cheat since he's already contacting women and they're sending him naughty drawings they made of him.

 

I think you should talk to him face to face and if he gets mad or doesn't care dump him.

 

It doesn't sound like you like your BF much either. I know that when my relationship with my ex was on it's way down I really took notice of guys who had qualities I wished my BF had.

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I'm not so much worried about him cheating as the double standard going on here and lack of respect for my feelings.

 

I think you just summarized your concerns. Insecure or not, building yourself up by beating your SO down doesn't create a healthy relationship. And double standards...'nuf said. I wouldn't put up with this if I were you.

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I had an ex that did this...I talked to him about it and it never got any better. He would stop for a while, but then start back up again.

 

When I called him on it, he would accuse me of being insecure, but a). he was making me insecure and b). it was also just kind of boring having to sit and chat about how attractive women were all the time. I am straight, and I will talk about which actresses are beautiful and such, but not for hours, and not by going over ever inch of their figure. That is something guys should do with other guys.

 

Does he talk about woman that look like you? I couldn't figure out at first if my ex was inconsiderate or insecure, I finally figured out he was insecure when I realized that he always brought up women who were curvy and had huge breasts, whereas I am skinny and have small boobs. He was trying to make me as insecure as he was..

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What kind of relationship is this you are in?? I mean, the way he is acting and talking, you guys may as well have an open relationship. Nobody lets should allow thier partner to act like your boyfriend is and if he really cared about you, he wouldnt either! Dump his ass. He has zero respect for you and you are just wasting your time i promise you!!!

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Look, i'm sure he'd scream bloody murder if you spent a lot of time talking about how great other men were and discussing their attributes.

 

There is no excuse for doing things like this that would make your partner either insecure, or feel bad about herself and compare herself to other women he might find attractive. There's a big difference between making some random comment about you find some movie star hot, or constantly talking about other women who might be in your social circle.

 

He need to grow up, and more likely, he's someone who is always looking for someone 'better', or who will be critical about your looks because he so busily likes commenting on women's looks. I would tell him to knock it off, and if he doesn't, then i'd find a new boyfriend who was so thrilled to have you he didn't spend all his time scoping out other women.

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When I called him on it, he would accuse me of being insecure, but a). he was making me insecure and b). it was also just kind of boring having to sit and chat about how attractive women were all the time. I am straight, and I will talk about which actresses are beautiful and such, but not for hours, and not by going over ever inch of their figure. That is something guys should do with other guys.

 

Does he talk about woman that look like you? I couldn't figure out at first if my ex was inconsiderate or insecure, I finally figured out he was insecure when I realized that he always brought up women who were curvy and had huge breasts, whereas I am skinny and have small boobs. He was trying to make me as insecure as he was..

Thanks - actually, he accused me of being insecure, to which I responded that I don't look to anyone outside myself, or my looks, to make me feel secure. And yes, it IS boring.

 

Ages ago I had a live-in partner who went for a specific type. I knew he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world; we used to have a little game in public places whereby I'd try and guess who he thought was the most attractive woman (apart from me It was fun and made me feel closer to him! This feels nothing like it.

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nutbrownhare,

 

I would not bother with this fellow for another minute. It is clear he does not respect you and has a big double standard happening. You are too good for him. Please do not invest anymore time in a relationship that would only drag you down instead of holding you up where you should be.

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Dump him before he dumps you, hon. My ex used to do this...not as blatantly as yours but he'd always tell me "oh, your friend so-and-so is really attractive." And he'd go on dating sites and tell me "I'm open to somebody better coming along." I went ballistic and told him to knock it off. To his credit he did. But I almost wish I hadn't; he really was the sort who was always looking for someone better, and when I told him to knock it off it just went underground and I thought it was gone. Until he dumped me, that is. I wish I'd dumped him first.

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Thanks everyone! We spoke on the phone this morning; he asked if everything was 'cool' between us, and I told him that I thought that it would be best to call it a day, given all the practical difficulties. Although he didn't seem very happy at this, it wasn't unpleasant at the time.

 

I may well get a very angry email later on; but right now I feel relieved!

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Your bf sounds really insecure, asking if you fancied his friend straight after you had met him.

 

He also shouldn't have responded angrily when you point out how it upsets you the way he openly and quite frequently expresses his approval of other women sexually. It shouldn't have been hard for him to see your point of view and see where you are coming from.

 

My ex gf did this sometimes and when i pointed it out and did it back a couple of times we both stopped.

 

Some people reallyare just "like this" though... they are very sexual people and view everyone around them as potential mates, always scoping and judging their looks and having to share their evaluation. It's like an inherent part of their character.

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