Why is the "friend zone" so dreaded?

[Seymore]

Say you're flirting with a girl you like and somehow, you sense it. You've entered the friend zone. I've entered it plenty of times, to the point where I feel I'm doomed to be everyones friend forever.

 

I was talking to a relative about this...she told me "aren't you supposed to be friends first?", leading me to think about that. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? And if you do get friendzoned, what's to say it's going to stay that way?

[hexaemeron]

Say you're flirting with a girl you like and somehow, you sense it. You've entered the friend zone. I've entered it plenty of times, to the point where I feel I'm doomed to be everyones friend forever.

 

I was talking to a relative about this...she told me "aren't you supposed to be friends first?", leading me to think about that. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? And if you do get friendzoned, what's to say it's going to stay that way?

 

Maybe in 1940. 2010, things move a bit faster.

[DaBladeRoden]

experience...

[Cognitive_Canine]

"friend zoned" implies you were rejected nicely and asked to "still be friends". If a girl says "I don't want to ruin our friendship", you've been friendzoned.

 

You want to be friendly and even have a bit of a friendship at first. But, when you start making advances, you aren't just a friend. You are a friend with potential for something else.

 

Friendzoned means you've been put in a area that classifies you in her mind as "friend only". Once I friendzone a guy, unless he changes a lot, he's pretty much there for good.

[G-Snap]

Say you're flirting with a girl you like and somehow, you sense it. You've entered the friend zone. I've entered it plenty of times, to the point where I feel I'm doomed to be everyones friend forever.

 

I was talking to a relative about this...she told me "aren't you supposed to be friends first?", leading me to think about that. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? And if you do get friendzoned, what's to say it's going to stay that way?

 

The term 'friendzone' however means more than being friends first. It is a term used to define when a woman has put you in that place and you can pretty much forget being anything other than a friend.

 

Sometimes it turns out different. But most women know within the first hour of talking to a guy if there is ever any dating potential. If there are drastic changes in her or the guy, or circumstances, in the future this doesn't have to be permanent, but usually it is.

[helloladies21]

"aren't you supposed to be friends first?", leading me to think about that. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Lots of guys who are unsuccessful with women are so stubborn about this technique. They keep trying it over and over again. Maybe it's because they can't help themselves. My personal view on this was that I could care less about doing it "my way", I just wanted to do what worked. That's when I found success with women and got a gf who treats me right.

And if you do get friendzoned, what's to say it's going to stay that way?

That's the way it usually turns out, but again, lots of guys are very interested in proving this rule wrong for some reason. It would seem like a much more effective use of time to find out what works in attracting women instead of trying what's been failing, but only with more effort.

[BriarRose]

I think of "friendzoned" as when someone has dated you and then decides to "be friends". This is the kiss of death and you will never have a relationship with that person.

 

However, many people end up together who were friends first.

[Momake]

Agree with most everyone above.

 

There are two scenarios:

 

a) A girl that will date you - thus, she will likely befriend you first to see what you're like. Then if she decided she likes you she might pine about why you haven't asked her out and maybe come on ENA and ask if she should make the first move... yada yada... The bottom line IS she did beFRIEND you first - but she didn't friendzone you.

 

b) A girl that won't date you - so you might be good enough to be friends... but nothing more. You're friendzoned. Period.

 

In both instances you became friends first (and maybe last). In other words, your relative was right. You do become friends first.

[Seymore]

ok, then let me steer the topic a bit. Since friendzoning is usually done by the ladies, I'm hoping the ladies can clarify: how do you let someone know you're friendzoning them vs you wanting to be friends first?

[Momake]

I don't think even the woman knows until the guy makes a move.

 

Unless he looks like shrek to her. Even then I think he has a chance until he opens his mouth and says something silly...

[helloladies21]

ok, then let me steer the topic a bit. Since friendzoning is usually done by the ladies, I'm hoping the ladies can clarify: how do you let someone know you're friendzoning them vs you wanting to be friends first?

Well #1 you know if you've been friendzoned if you make a move on a girl ie. ask her on a date, try and kiss her, etc., and she tells you explicitly that she "sees you as a friend" or "doesn't see you like that." She won't do it subtly.

 

#2 although they have the best of intentions, I have found it thoroughly unhelpful and often misleading to take dating advice from women. Ask men who have success in dating how they do it, that is much more helpful as they have the experience of dating women.

[stingray]

Makes me sad to hear women friendzone guys quickly, "in the matter of an hour" according to some people. How can you really get to know someone in a hour? No wonder I have such bad luck with the friendszone. I am like doomed to it!

[Cognitive_Canine]

Makes me sad to hear women friendzone guys quickly, "in the matter of an hour" according to some people. How can you really get to know someone in a hour? No wonder I have such bad luck with the friendszone. I am like doomed to it!

 

You don't know them. But you know if you're attracted to them. And no, I don't mean looks. I mean personality.

 

Now if that guy I didn't like runs into me the next day and seems like a completely different person then I'll definitely chalk it up to them having a weird day and not making a good first impression before and giving them another chance.

[Bergamot]

You don't know them. But you know if you're attracted to them. And no, I don't mean looks. I mean personality.

 

Now if that guy I didn't like runs into me the next day and seems like a completely different person then I'll definitely chalk it up to them having a weird day and not making a good first impression before and giving them another chance.

 

You can gauge a guy's personality so soon?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You can gauge a guy's personality so soon?

 

You know what they've shown you if you like it or not.

[helloladies21]

Makes me sad to hear women friendzone guys quickly, "in the matter of an hour" according to some people. How can you really get to know someone in a hour? No wonder I have such bad luck with the friendszone. I am like doomed to it!

Well this is the real world my friend, it's sink or swim out there and there's nothing any of us as men can do to change it.

 

Taking a step back, in a lot of ways it's good that things have developed this way. Now a guy can get almost instantaneous feedback if what he's doing is working. Most guys don't take advantage of this opportunity to learn and adapt from their previous mistakes, instead they plow ahead doing what they've always done thinking in amazement "I just can't figure women out" while the answer is right in front of them.

 

A certain percent of us guys will have what it takes naturally. Without effort they have the ability to attract women. For the rest of us, as a species we're lucky that we are psychologically evolved enough so that we can learn what it takes to attract women. Only the best of the rest of us will take advantage of that ability.

[stingray]

You know what they've shown you if you like it or not.

What if they are shy? It just takes them a little bit longer to get out of their shell.

 

I tend to hold back a little when meeting someone new because I don't know how far I can go with them. So I observe during our first meeting and study their personality and little things about them. So I know how much I can tone my personality up and down.

 

I do try to be nice regardless during the first meeting though. I wouldn't say I am shy though, just really toned down version of me.

[dejavu31]

What if they are shy? It just takes them a little bit longer to get out of their shell.

 

I tend to hold back a little when meeting someone new because I don't know how far I can go with them. So I observe during our first meeting and study their personality and little things about them. So I know how much I can tone my personality up and down.

 

I do try to be nice regardless during the first meeting though. I wouldn't say I am shy though, just really toned down version of me.

 

Girls tend to not like a guy who is shy. So yes that also goes into gauging whether or not they will ever hook up with you.

[stingray]

Girls tend to not like a guy who is shy. So yes that also goes into gauging whether or not they will ever hook up with you.

Shy can mean a lot of things, I described it in my post. You can't make blanket statments but especially because you aren't a girl.

[helloladies21]

Shy can mean a lot of things, I described it in my post. You can't make blanket statments but especially because you aren't a girl.

Lol well why are you taking offense to his post, he wasn't criticizing you or anything. Anyone from either gender can observe that shy guys have less success with women, it's no direct criticism of you.

 

In the end, you are the only one who has to live with the consequences of being shy (whatever definition is used). So it's your decision to make, continue to do what you've been doing and get the same results, or you can try and break out of your shyness and receive the benefits that it confers, but that choice is up to you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

What if they are shy? It just takes them a little bit longer to get out of their shell.

 

I tend to hold back a little when meeting someone new because I don't know how far I can go with them. So I observe during our first meeting and study their personality and little things about them. So I know how much I can tone my personality up and down.

 

I do try to be nice regardless during the first meeting though. I wouldn't say I am shy though, just really toned down version of me.

 

I'm really good at reading people. I tend to get around best with guys who aren't shy but don't feel a need to talk much. If that makes any sense.

 

I do the same thing when I meet new people. I observe and people watch a lot. It's nice to meet someone else who does the same thing and it's like you can identify each other from accross the room. Like you're both marked but only people marked can see it.

[stingray]

I'm really good at reading people. I tend to get around best with guys who aren't shy but don't feel a need to talk much. If that makes any sense.

 

I do the same thing when I meet new people. I observe and people watch a lot. It's nice to meet someone else who does the same thing and it's like you can identify each other from accross the room. Like you're both marked but only people marked can see it.

Interesting that you seem to do the same! I wonder if you would like me if you met me in person in that case. Now I understand your original statement that you could figure out someone's personality out over a short period of time. I have that skill as well because of my observational skills.

 

BTW Have you ever been called paranoid because of this skill?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Interesting that you seem to do the same! I wonder if you would like me if you met me in person in that case. Now I understand your original statement that you could figure out someone's personality out over a short period of time. I have that skill as well because of my observational skills.

 

BTW Have you ever been called paranoid because of this skill?

 

Can't say I've been called paranoid. But, people often mistake my quietness for shyness, when I am very much not.

[Capricorn3]

I'm really good at reading people. I tend to get around best with guys who aren't shy but don't feel a need to talk much. If that makes any sense.

 

I do the same thing when I meet new people. I observe and people watch a lot. It's nice to meet someone else who does the same thing and it's like you can identify each other from accross the room. Like you're both marked but only people marked can see it.

CC: We could be twins! lol. I read people very well too - my husband says it's pretty scarey and thinks I have psychic powers, lmao! I'm very much an observer, quietly sit in the background and listen/watch people. It's amazing how much you can pick up without saying a word, lol.

[Day_Walker]

Personally, I dont believe in the "friendzone" it seems to me that one of two things happen, one person doesnt establish an interest soon enough or one person just isnt attracted to the other.

 

I think that if you want to pursue a relationship with a person just being their friend means rejection, and that is why it is rejected.