loss of respect/trust

[memsie]

maybe some of you can help shed light on this dilemma. ive been with my BF off and on for 3 years. during one of our last break ups, i started dating a very nice and attractive man, but we all three went to the same college... my (now current BF) ex at the time saw me around with this new man, and therefore decided to start drinking again (hes in AA) and slept with a few highschool girls (two of them- threesomes). we;re 22/23, these girls were- hopefully- 18. they would go to the older people parties and try to hook up with older guys. i found out their nickname was "prosti-tots" and that everyone made fun of these 'skanky little girls'. and my boyfriend slept with them... 7 times

even his friends laughed at him for sinking so low.

 

it bothered me so much because i always thought he was the kind of man to hold himself to higher standards. his argument was "you were someone so i had to someone too".

i try to tell him its differant- that i was looking for a relationship with a nice good looking credible man, and he jumped on the first available girls.

we ended up back together on the basis of being totally honest with eachother. shortly after, those same girls started harassing me with emails and i found out that he had lied to me on many counts about their "adventures". i felt so betrayed, he looked me in the face and lied so many times.

we broke up.

 

and of course... we got back together. so here i am, and things have been great for a few months, but one of the girls works accross the street from me. i see her every day and am reminded of his dissapointing decisions.

 

it hurts because he lied to me... because i lost so much respect for him after the decisions he made.... and because i cant help but worry that if he could make 'regrettable decisions' (or so he says) while we were apart, that he is capable of doing so while we are together.

i want to trust him when he says he would never do that to me, but there lays the problem... i dont trust him. he lies.

 

this is also greatly affecting my self esteem but i am seeking outside counseling for that.

[Mauxly]

Lies = Bad News. Is he sober again? Did the lies happen while he was drinking? Has he lied to you since being sober (in AA)?

 

I have to say, the prostitots thing is gross. But if my boyfriend felt the need to hook up during a break up, rather he use 'flesh porn' than go falling in love. If you feel insecure now, imagine how bad you'd feel if some woman that he actually had feelings for were coming around?

[HeartGoesOn]

Why did you get back together since you don't trust him?

[faithful14]

His job is to prove to he that he can be trusted and that when a problem arises in your relationship, he won't go off having sex with "prosti-tots" or whatever they are called. I mean, just because you were off looking for a nice guy doesn't make it okay for him to be sleeping around with * * * * ty girls and then lie to you about it. I honestly wouldn't trust him either though so I understand your dilemma. Having sex with high school students, ehhh, I don't know if I could take someone back after that.

 

If you don't trust him, then stop seeing him. It's not fair for you to become insecure because of what he has done. And if he continues lying to you, it's only going to hurt more in the long run. Do what you believe would be best for you.

[memsie]

Lies = Bad News. Is he sober again? Did the lies happen while he was drinking? Has he lied to you since being sober (in AA)?

 

I have to say, the prostitots thing is gross. But if my boyfriend felt the need to hook up during a break up, rather he use 'flesh porn' than go falling in love. If you feel insecure now, imagine how bad you'd feel if some woman that he actually had feelings for were coming around?

 

the funny thing is, and ive tried explaining this to him, if while we were broken up he was dating someone, or was in a relationship, we would not be in this predicament. i would not have lost respect for him, and he would not have had anything to lie about or be ashamed of.

 

yes the lies happened while he was drinking, but though he is sober now, he still lies about dumb stuff. little stuff. things he feels arent important, even though they are important to me.

so naturally i worry what else he is lying about....

[HeartGoesOn]

the funny thing is, and ive tried explaining this to him, if while we were broken up he was dating someone, or was in a relationship, we would not be in this predicament. i would not have lost respect for him, and he would not have had anything to lie about or be ashamed of.

 

yes the lies happened while he was drinking, but though he is sober now, he still lies about dumb stuff. little stuff. things he feels arent important, even though they are important to me.

so naturally i worry what else he is lying about....

 

The bottom line is you clearly don't trust him. He's still lying to you, and please don't give him a break with the "drunk excuse." Without trust, you have nothing.

[memsie]

It's not fair for you to become insecure because of what he has done. And if he continues lying to you, it's only going to hurt more in the long run.

 

this is pretty valid i suppose.... i have been thinking about why i was so much more confident with other guys, and it comes down to trust.

 

i guess the hardest part is just being dissapointed. i have this impression of him being such a great guy, then every few days or weeks something happens where im reminded that i genuinely do not trust him.

so its hard to take the leap and end it because i am going back and forth so often

[WomanWriter]

 

i guess the hardest part is just being dissapointed. i have this impression of him being such a great guy, then every few days or weeks something happens where im reminded that i genuinely do not trust him.

so its hard to take the leap and end it because i am going back and forth so often

 

I know what you mean. You see what you want to see when you want something badly enough. But eventually the ugliness will make itself clear. I know that will happen to me as well. And I have to say, my boyfriend told me he slept with a highschool girl to "get revenge" on his ex wife for cheating on him. I can't say I have respect for him either. It is immature and very stupid.

I don't know that trust can be earned again for someone with a shady character like that.

[memsie]

its just sad because i know that this will most likely be the demise of our relationship.

he never is faced with these girls, he never has to hear people making fun of them, or making fun of him, I do. I see it and hear it. HIS actions are imposed on me regularly- and i certainly dont enjoy it.

i know this is a stupid thing to say but.... its not fair. its not fair that i am faced with the repercussions of his actions, and reminded constantly about it.

he never has to worry about running into the guy i was with. he never has to worry about listening to people talk poorly abut that guy, or talk poorly about me for being with him. he doesnt work accross the street from him and see him everyday.

 

yet i am constantly reminded that he slept with prostitots, that he is being laughed at, and that even grown adults in our neighborhood call this girl a disaster.

not to mention, I am being laughed at for taking him back after all this...

[memsie]

its just sad because i know that this will most likely be the demise of our relationship.

he never is faced with these girls, he never has to hear people making fun of them, or making fun of him, or making fun of me for taking him back after all that, I see it and hear it. HIS actions are imposed on me regularly- and i certainly dont enjoy it.

i know this is a stupid thing to say but.... its not fair. its not fair that i am faced with the repercussions of his actions, and reminded constantly about it.

he never has to worry about running into the guy i was with. he never has to worry about listening to people talk poorly abut that guy, or talk poorly about me for being with him. he doesnt work accross the street from him and see him everyday. yet i am constantly reminded that he slept with prostitots, that he is being laughed at, and that even grown adults in our neighborhood call this girl a disaster.

 

every day i am reminded of how much respect i lost for him through all this, sleeping with highschoolers and lying to me... how can i try to forget about it if its thrown in my face all the time?

 

or should i not forget about it? maybe itsjust not worth fighting for anymore...

[memsie]

no more advice...?

[FloraDora]

I was in a similar situation with an ex. During a month long break-up he slept with three different "skanky" girls. I lost a lot of respect and trust for him due to his behavior.

 

Ultimately, I decided to end the relationship not because of the fact that he had slept with gross women, though that didn't exactly make me happy, but due to the fact that he hadn't been totally honest with me about the entire situation. I won't go into detail, but basically I had been totally honest with him regarding my behavior during the break-up, while he had hedged the truth, lied, and changed his story several times. If I can't trust someone, I cannot date them. Simple as that....we were over.

 

It was hard at first because we also had an off and on again relationship. I can't tell you if you should stay with him or not, but I CAN tell you that from my experience when ending a relationship that has had previous break-ups and reconciliations, you need to be firm and cut off ALL contact if you want to make a clean break. Make sure he gets the message that this time it is over for good!