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Should I talk to him?


ziggie31

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I posted a previous thread about this guy here: but I'll sum up the backstory on what's going on:

 

My friend (J) and I were incredibly close and really good friends in high school. We got along really well, hung out a lot, and when we decided we were going to the same college we were both really excited and looking forward to it. At the end of summer, J came out as bisexual. I was surprised but don't really care, I fully support him in whatever he wants to do. However, ever since then, he changed dramatically as a person, from being really laid-back and funny to becoming super conceited and petty.

 

The turning point came one day when I ran into him at dining hall (posted about in more detail in my last thread). According to him, I called him a (f-word); according to myself, that never happened. To this day I have no idea what happened, because each of us very staunchly believe our sides of the story. However, after that day he decided (without telling me) that he didn't want to be my friend any more. He told his side of the story to EVERY one of our mutual friends (again without talking to me at all) and kept blowing me off and being rude. I didn't even find out he had a problem with me until the very end of the semester when a mutual friend told me. I confronted him about it, he told me why he was mad at me, I told him I didn't remember ever calling him that, etc.

 

After that he said he wanted to "put this behind us" and be friends again, but I was still wary about the idea. I talked to him about how I was really unhappy that he didn't come talk to me about his beef, but he just shrugged me off and didn't even say sorry I accepted his offer to be friends again but I fully expected him to put some kind of effort into it, and he hasn't talked to me since then except in passing if we happen to run into one another.

 

So, here lies the predicament: I was willing to give him a second chance despite how immaturely he handled things (talking * * * * behind my back, not telling me he had a problem with me, shrugging me off when I talked to him) but even then he made NO attempt to try to salvage the friendship. To me, because he decided to throw it out, he should have tried to recover it, and the lack of effort showed me once and for all that he is not a true friend. Because of this, I really have no desire to ever interact with him again - to me, the friendship we had is completely gone and he blew his chances at it twice.

 

However, he thinks we're "cool" again (his words, which I also heard from mutual friends - funny he'll talk to them about me but not talk TO me) even though, to me, I'll be civil to him but never be his friend again. Now, part of me tells me that I should talk to him - if I keep him in the dark about how I feel, I would be JUST as wrong as he was when he did the same to me. However, the other part of me doesn't want to even come close to starting any potential drama (which he seems to be full of) or dealing with any kind of fallout (including the effects on our mutual friends).

 

I'm personally leaning towards the former, because I feel the best way to handle a problem I have with someone is to actually talk to them about it and not act two-faced. Plus, there's another POTENTIAL (not guaranteed, but I tend to think ahead) factor that could come into play - I'll be living off-campus next year with some older girls, and I'm the only sophomore from our group of friends that's doing so. A house + older friends will definitely = parties, and I will be inviting our mutual friends. However, I absolutely do NOT want to see J show up, and I'm 99.9% sure he will try (he always comes to things uninvited, esp if his friends are doing it, and esp if alcohol/socialization is involved - this isn't just a weak assumption, I know him pretty well, and he's done this plenty of times already). I know if he thinks he's friends with me and tries to come, I'll have to confront him there - I guess I feel it'd be better to tell him how I feel now instead of keep him in the dark, have him trek 30min to my house thinking it's ok if he comes, and I turn him away once he gets there. I know this is all assumption, but like I said I'm VERY certain that if he doesn't find out how I feel, it WILL happen.

 

TL;DR: Friend and I had falling-out, I no longer want him in my life but he thinks we're still cool with each other, would it be best to tell him how I feel and be straight-forward or just avoid any drama and not tell him at all?

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Just leave it be. Don't stir up drama just because next year you MIGHT be living with older girls who MIGHT throw a party that he MIGHT try to come to. That's just silly.

 

First of all, I AM living with older girls, we WILL throw parties (neither of those are "mights"), and though there's no guarantee he'll try to come, I know him well and know it is a HUGE possibility.

 

My problem with him was that he decided he didn't like me anymore but didn't tell me about it. Why would I do the same back? That would just put me at his level. That's my primary reasoning for wanting to talk to him.

 

I only mentioned the other part because it's likely that a situation like that will arise where I'll have to turn him away under much less desirable conditions (talk to him now and get it over with vs. he comes all that way just to find out I don't like him - seems pretty unfair of me to do that to someone).

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