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Recovering Post Meltdown Dignity

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Recovering from two back to back surgeries, I'm on some powerful pain meds that have put me in a dark mood. Realizing this, I've been avoiding verbal contact with my ex of 2.5 years for the past few days. [We have two children together (one a college student on his own, a daughter splitting her time between us), so NC is impossible. I tell myself that I'm moving on, but I'm emotionally stuck.] Divorce has been final 1.5 years...He's very active sexually/socially. I put up a nice, happy front....Until today. Actually, I do this every six months or so. Just totally, compeletly gut myself.


He called about 15 minutes ago. Despite knowing I was not in the "right" state of mind, I answered. He asked how I was getting around, how I was doing. (The guy brought me home from my first surgery....) I know that if I said I needed anything, he'd be there - but not like I want him to be there, and I told him to, basically, leave me alone, I'll be fine and I'm not his responsibility anymore and he should just call if there's something going on that I should know about. (He's been so kind. I just can't stand knowing that he'd rather be with anyone than me.) He said "fine" in that testy tone of voice that really says "beyatch". I said, "I've got to go, hon...."


Then I sent him an email. That said, "RE: Sorry I'm such a beyatch today...but I'll be dammed if 2.5 year after you moved out, I’m not basically at square one while you’re off living happily ever after. I’m happy for you. Really. Isn’t that what love is? Wanting the best for somebody? Now….just let me be miserable alone. Putting on that happy mask every time I see or hear from you is suffocating.


When I couldn’t find my phone the other day and you said you’d call the number and I said "no", I didn’t want you to hear my ring tone for your calls – it’s my reminder of where I stand with you.


Go have a happy birthday. I’ll be thinking about you."



Shields have been penetrated due to weakened state induced by oxycontin.


What do I do now?

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My heart goes out to you, and I know the post-surgery haze. Your ex likely knows you well enough to get it. What have you shown him here, exactly, that he hasn't seen already?


Head high, and I hope you feel better soon.


PS: Watch those pain pills--they can suck you under. Talked doc into extending my prescription x1 so I could chart myself off of the things. It wasn't surgical pain at all, I suffered terrible withdrawals (sweating, shaking, muscle cramps) at 3 hours when I wasn't due for next tab for another hour. I had to write down times, push past 3.5 hours, then 4 hours, then 4.5 hours, then 5 hours--you get the point. I worked it all the way down until one tab was left that I never took, just to prove myself detoxed.


I would have been fine with a placebo; the real thing is a monster.

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I think you need to set new boundaries and clear the air with him about those. Eg, you shouldn't really be talking about anything other than what needs to be done re- your kids. The "how are you's" are irrlevant, the conversation shouldn't progress to that.


You were giving him more power by what you said, because it implies that you're still thinking of him and are putting energy into him.


Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe just think about your boundaries and if you need to, sit down and talk with him about it - reinforcing your boundaries. It might go something like this "Hey X, we have kids together. I'm not comfortable disclosing personal details to you, so i think it's best if we stay focused on our kids so we can both continue our own indepedent lives".


Or something like that.

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Thanks for the replies.


Catfeeder, I'm off the oxy for good, I think. A friend told me another friend is paying $60 per pill - has been hooked for a year and needs rehab. I'm uncomfortable, but I'm done.


Mgirl, I don't know if I can hide my emotions with him. He is a powerful force in my life, always has been, but I hope isn't always. I do need to set boundaries, but it is usually me that breaks them.


I ended up sending him an email on his birthday. He said I was the only person who acknowledged it and he was setting himself up for a pity party when he decided to call the kids and tell them they were taking him out. He was surprised our son remembered (he doesn't think I didn't remind them both for days and days? He's so stupid sometimes) but disappointed that our daughter didn't realize (me, too, I'd reminded her two days before for "the last time"). I beat myself up about that, too, then realized I was fighting my nature. It's so unnatural for me to not care about and for him. He didn't tell his current gf it was his birthday and his friends aren't thoughtful or caring enough. I'm hoping his sister or brother called later. At least he knows somebody cared enough to wish him well. I hope it made him think about the kind of people with whom he surrounds himself, but doubtful.


I'm an emotional doormat and don't know how to harden my heart where he's concerned. I've got a list of well over 100 reasons I should be happy he's gone. It used to make me angry to read. Now it makes me feel like an even bigger loser than he is for loving someone who treated me so badly for so long. I think it's my fault for not putting limits on what I'd tolerate long ago. He lost respect for me because I tolerated so much and it grew into contempt. Doormats are not endearing. I know that I'm very attractive for a woman my age, intelligent, warm, generous, witty. I was an idiot for not expecting more from him, not holding him to a higher standard. I will not make that mistake next time, but can't find anyone to whom I'm attracted.


So....I'm going to just continue the limited contact and try dating again (last guy was long distance and I wasn't attracted to him, so it didn't work out).

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