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Narcissistic Personality Disorder Ex Problems HELP!


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I divorced my Narcissistic husband over 3 years ago, although at the time I did not know that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

He lives overseas and has continued to contact me professing he wants me back and loves me.

 

At first, I engaged in conversation with him but realised that he was not sorry for anything he had done and was in total denial and had almost lived a different life to what we have actually experienced.

 

I decided not to engage in conversation with him anymore and was moving on but he still continued to contact me. He starts by typing nice messages in order for me to make contact but as I don't, he then starts to verbally abuse me in the most extreme manner, he also threatens to do me harm and that I know how powerful he is, he has also threatened to get others to also harm me in my country.

 

He has just been refused entry to my country. The last 8 months the verbal abuse had escalated to extremes, and a few days ago, I decided to ask him to leave me alone and I engaged in conversation with him. He says he still loves me and wants me back and has announced on one of his websites that we are back together of which is a figment of his imagination. During the last contact over the last few days, he also admitted to many of his lies of which I was very shocked about as he had never done this before, many of these lies were very recent and he makes excuses about previous lies.

 

During these conversations I have come to realise that he seems to believe all of the lies he tells so I decided to do some research on the net and that is when I found out about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Absolutely everything that I read was my ex husband to a T and that he obviously and severely has this mental health disorder.

 

My questions are:

1. I know he is desperate to get to my country and believe that this is why he keeps in contact, for me to help him to do this, of which I would never do, as I know he would kill me. Do you also think this is why he keeps in contact?

 

2. Why does he keep saying that he loves me and wants me back and tries to dismiss the past as the past?

 

3. He has many girlfriends who he also professes to love and wants to be with, some in my county and one girl in my town, why does he not leave me alone and just pursue them (I know that they are all intellectually challenged and I am an academic)?

 

4. Why do I feel the need to keep in contact with him? I know that if I know his plans and what he's doing it makes me feel safe as I know that he is still in his own country, but why do I still feel something for him after what he has done and what I now know of his Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

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Narcissists are master manipulators. They will tell anyone what they think they want to hear if it gets them what they want. They can also be extremely charming while they are trying to get what they want.

 

You still have feelings for him because he was your husband. This is normal and natural. You are also a very strong person for getting out of this mess.

 

Take care of yourself and don't let this guy get to you.

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Usually the narcissist presented themselves as the perfect person for you, the first time they meet you. They can read people better than any other. You still have feelings because you remember the perfect person he was at the beginning and you long to have that person back (who wouldn't?)

 

He definitely wants something from you. It's hard to say what. It could be a way back into the country, it could just be affirmation that he's a good person. Most narcissists can't stand being disliked by anybody.

 

He doesn't leave you alone because he needs constant affirmation of his worth and he's not getting it constantly from his other girlfriends. And since you were married to him, you probably supplied his need for affirmation better than most others and you have probably loved him the longest, which means something to him.

 

I fell for a narcissist once. It's painful.

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first and foremost i believe people should do all THEY can do to help themselves. why the heck are you still talking to this guy? yeah, ok i get it, it's hard but this is a CHOICE. perhaps you should stay offline, block/delete him so he cannot see you? seriously it is hard to help people when they don't take the very simplest of steps to help themselves. you don't HAVE to communicate with this guy. block his emails, change and/or delete yours. there are ways to keep him from contacting you i'm sure. do what YOU can do. you already know he's not going to stop. he is a sick person who clearly doesn't love or respect you.

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i believe my ex had narcissistic tendencies himself. i understand being all wrapped up in them, the manipulation, etc., but you gotta find your strength somewhere and drop this man out of your life. he is your EX, which means you don't have to put up with him anymore.

 

yeah, it was hard. yeah, i missed him. yeah i was fool enough to believe a lot of what he said although he was a proven liar, cheater, manipulator but at some point i had to take responsibility for my part in the situation and quit whining about it when i wasn't doing what i could do to rid my life of him. i cut him off. completely and entirely point blank.

 

EDIT: look i know i sound harsh, but really you know he's not going to stop. so YOU stop it. he's in a different country too? there is no need for you to still be communicating with this man.

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1. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

2. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

3. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

4. This is the real question. You need to cut him off completely - for your own mental health and emotional/physical safety.

 

Contact the authorities and make sure they know about his threats against you. It doesn't matter how sick he is; what matters is that you truly divorce him from your life.

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Thank you for all your comments and support. I have not been on messenger tonight, 1 day at a time... but he did send me a video of pictures of us during a past valentines day set to music and he also put it on his facebook

 

It doesn't seem to matter what I read, I am still having difficulty in grasping how delusional he is. I'm in the process of buying some books about NPD and hoping that they will help me to understand and get over such a person like this.

 

It's really helped to join this site Thanks

 

PS I have reported everything to the authorities over the years.

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yes, welcome to ENA. you will find some really helpful advice on here.

 

there is nothing wrong with reading up on the specifics of the personality disorder your ex has, but you should know that if you truly believe this is what his problem is he is pretty much a lost cause.

 

you will have to make the choice to stop trying to figure this man out, and realize that he is just no good for you whatsoever.

 

part of no contact would involve deleting him as a facebook friend and then blocking him so he cannot contact you. you will really need to go to the extreme and be strong to overcome this or continue the cycle as it has been.

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I know I'm not strong enough to do that completely yet (blocking) but I know it is something I will work towards with my shrink.

 

I do want to tell him about NPD and send him a good website so he can read about himself as he did say that he had psychological problems when we first split but I doubt that he even knows about NPD.

 

Don't worry, I know, even if he knows about it, he still won't change and I have to get out of this cycle.

 

This site is my lifeline at the mo until I get to see my shrink, so thank you for taking you're time out to reply and support me, it really is much appreciated

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i don't really think pointing out the psychological disorder you have diagnosed him with is all that great or productive of on idea, but i can see you won't be talked out of communicating with him. getting my ex out of my life was the wisest decision i ever made regarding him. he also realized he had personality issues and needed help...or so he said. one day you will look back at all this time wasted on this man and regret it...i guarantee.

 

i wish you luck.

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contact with NP/BPD or anything else is like sticking your hand in a blender

 

Ns DO change....they get WORSE

 

all he is doing is 'hoovering' you...trying to get his fix which is a reaction...good or bad he dont care its the rise he wants out of you

 

im not gunna skirt around this....

 

YOU HAVE TO GO NC ASAP

 

YES it IS that SIMPLE....it is the only answer

 

my ex ex was an N ...i have a child with him and he quite simply is an evil, sick, coniving bastard.

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I told him today about NPD and sent him some websites and then I came back here, I just had to do it :S

 

I am gaining more and more strength from here, thank you so much and now that I have realised he has NPD, when we communicate, everything he says now is soooo obvious that he IS NPD it's unbelievable!!! I even laughed at some of the things he said as they were so in the world of a NPD

 

The things he said tonight, you can see he is living in a total fantasy world and always has, and always will.

 

I know one day I will look back be thankful that I escaped and took my head out of the 'blender' (great quote) but rest assured I am well aware that he also one of the evil, sick, conniving b'astard's and I will be free of him

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oh you never told him???

 

its always best never to let on u know....he will go and read up and learn to be even more insidious for the next poor cow to bag him.

 

Ns tend not to be able to be helped...they lie even to their therapist

 

jus glad youre out but dont communicate with him....now he knows u know it will feed him more and you can never win or get closure from him - only from nc and within can you

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I'm actually thinking the most recent person i dated is a slight narcissist. Have i posted this before?

 

She wanted to be treated like "gold". She demanded that she get support, yet offered little in return. She constantly talked about her own feelings and layed blame, taking little responsibility for her own. Now i found out she thinks i need therapy in order to continue a 'friendship' with her, honestly, who does she think she is? The only thing i needed help with was staying away from somebody as dangerous as that. She has accused me of being everything from an abuser (she is partly right), a cheater, a two timer, and a game player. Once she realised her accusations could not be substantiated, she resorted to "i think you need professional help"... Purleeeease! I am done wasting my time with this person, i've got far more important things on my mind.

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1guygirl - I don't know why but I just had to tell him.

 

He has only the brain for what I fell for, shame I was love blind or I would have seen it coming, at least I got savvy now that's the main thing and that I finally break ties with him for good.

 

I can't be responsible for what he does to other girls, I know he will always do what he did to me until his looks go, which won't be long as he's from a hot (hard) country.

 

Today, he told me that he had deleted some of his posy photos from facebook, don't know what he was trying to prove, whereas I put some of Sam Vaknin's video's and interviews on mine on Narcissism, it's like watching and listening about my ex's life story, well spooky

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1. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

2. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

3. Who cares? Stop communicating with him.

4. This is the real question. You need to cut him off completely - for your own mental health and emotional/physical safety.

 

Contact the authorities and make sure they know about his threats against you. It doesn't matter how sick he is; what matters is that you truly divorce him from your life.

I agree with all of the above. I don't understand WHY you still communicate with him almost daily? You put yourself at risk.

 

Delete all his contact numbers, block your email etc etc. STOP comunicating with him.

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My questions are:

1. I know he is desperate to get to my country and believe that this is why he keeps in contact, for me to help him to do this, of which I would never do, as I know he would kill me. Do you also think this is why he keeps in contact?

 

I'm an immigration lawyer and I can say that, regrettably, I have seen many Brits triced into marriages for immigration purposes, often resulting in the bumping of the British spouse once the immigration situation has been resolved.

 

You probably did yourself a favour getting out beforehand.

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I know I'm not strong enough to do that completely yet (blocking) but I know it is something I will work towards with my shrink.

 

 

Re facebook: Take it in steps if you have to.

 

Start by deleting his updates from your news feed (he will never know) and avoid looking him up.

 

When you're feeling better, block or delete him.

 

I deleted my ex from one of my social networking sites yesterday and it felt great.

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As I've said before I have ordered some books to gain my strength but I have just listened to a radio show with Dr Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self Love- Narcissism Revisited) which is EXCELLENT and I thought I would share this with you

 

link removed

 

YES thats who i read about....hes fab....the best!! get his book!!!!

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Yes I have ordered Sam Vaknin's book and it's winging it's way to the UK as we speak. I have also made an appointment to see Dr Rhonda Finding while she is in London, that should be interesting, the meeting is about letting go of a past or present NPD relationship

 

Just for info - I have not been in contact on a daily basis over the past 3 years, I have always ignored all the verbal abuse and threats, but I have responded to him in the last week, I don't know why grrrrr BUT because of this contact, I have come to realise that he IS NPD, and I believe that with this diagnosis I will be more able to deal with this, now that I know...I am now going through the 'process' of moving on

 

Elchup

Yes, I now know I was a victim of a NPD Visa Geeza and that's the ONLY reason why he's still in contact with me, I am under no illusions.....and he is still telling his secondary sources he is coming to the UK

 

Thanks for all you're support

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Squirl

 

Well done you!!! I know how hard it is and I am looking forward to the day when I get to your stage - I'm in limbo at the mo, waiting for strength from the books (not arrived yet), waiting to see a shirnk and Dr Findling, I am hoping these will make a BIG difference to my strength to cut him loose, Hallelujah to that!

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