My girlfriend is not affectionate!

[BlueXno]

@Ms Darcy: That statement is certainly correct. I know I need to accept or reject her, I will not be happy just tolerating her, nor will she be happy. This past week I was heavily on the rejection side, however, I want to see if things can work. I guess the point you make is I should accept her as is and not wait to see if things change or become tolerable because that's not love. Good food for thought. I'm still sticking with the wait and see plan and decide after her birthday.

[BlueXno]

Update: So my girlfriend made time to hang out tomorrow evening, but in reality she's going to just come over here and study (better than nothing). She's talking about spring break, but she needs to make up work during the break. She tells me today she needs to make time to see 2 of her guy friends, a girl friend of hers, and possibly go out with some of her school friends too, but for me not to worry because she'll prioritize time with me. She only has a week off and I need to work during the week. So of the 7 days she has off, she's talking about doing stuff with others at least 4 nights of the week.

[BlueXno]

Update: She said she'll make a list of people she wants to hang out with, and together we can figure out the best times for her to see them so we can optimize time together. This is a slight improvement from how she did things before, which was last minute dropping me to hang out with others.

[abitbroken]

Update: She said she'll make a list of people she wants to hang out with, and together we can figure out the best times for her to see them so we can optimize time together. This is a slight improvement from how she did things before, which was last minute dropping me to hang out with others.

 

Well - how does this change the affection thing? Please don't get "off track" about what you wnat.

 

And by the way - why can't you see these friends together as a couple? You and her go out to meet these friends from school at the local watering hole? Or you and her invite this guy friend or two over for dinner at your place or out to an event? That is part of being a "we" and not to say she can't see people separate but if you consider yourself moving forward as a couple, its not about prioritizing who the other person sees or not but doing things together as a "we".

[BlueXno]

@abitbroken: This has been another sore spot. Her male friends hate me, always have, even before we dated. I know they hate me out of jealousy and they usually hit on her. So that is the reason we can't all hang out. The "we" thing doesn't really exist. I'm not invited to events with her parents usually; although I'm invited at times by her parents, she declines for me on account of my allergies, which pisses me off and I told her she shouldn't make decisions for me, I might actually want to go.

 

She actually just left, and I still feel empty and lonely. I was so happy to see her, and she gave me a some hugs, but they're so cold, you know the ones where your butt sticks out as to not touch the person too much. She doesn't want to kiss, but she will peck me on the cheek and be like "is that okay?"

 

So you're totally right, I'm off track, the affection thing hasn't changed, and I'm still not happy. I hate to see it end though. I'm so happy when I first see her, and happy when I get to touch her for a brief second, but it ends so quickly and it's just not in her nature to be affectionate. I saw her for the first time in over a week today, and I got a few hugs, and a few pecks on the cheek. She took a 15 minute break from studying to sit on my lap and play some video games, then went back to work.

 

I talked to my family a bit about the issue, and they agree it's best to end it. Even worse, she called me when she got home and asked if I was ok, asked if something was bothering me, and asked if the hugs were enough. It's almost as if she knows she's not giving me what I need, so I can't tell if it's deliberate or she's incapable.

[abitbroken]

Are you allergic to pets they have? Yes, you need to make your own choice and say "hey, i can take allergy meds that day or why don't we invite your parents OUT to dinner?" If you want to, I would take the initiative to do that, but it really sounds like she doesn't want you there. It is OKAY for her to have private one on one time with her folks. If she included you in everything but occasionally saw them separate, there would be no trouble but there is so much more.

 

If her male friends hate you then she has to choose. Also, yes, even if they "hate' you - she should err on the side of your feelings and not theirs. She should take you anyhow and if they have a problem - oh well. They can choose not to come rather than being accommodated and catered to.

 

It just seems like you are ready for a "partner" and she is not there, too.

[Ms Darcy]

It's almost as if she knows she's not giving me what I need, so I can't tell if it's deliberate or she's incapable.

 

You already know the answer to that. She does her best and it's not what you want. Even asking this question is being dishonest with yourself.

[bungalo]

I have to disagree with Ms Darcy on writing her off because it's "her nature" to be this way. Now I understand that this is a big if, but IF

she wanted to change through therapy, it is entirely possible. Yes of course she has to want to change. Sometimes when people are shook to the core...they do change. Saying that people are just the way they are due to their nature and not able to change is just flat out untrue. I suffered from extreme anxiety disorder up until 3 years ago. Through therapy (and medication) I have completely changed-for the better. Millions of people who suffer from depression and other disorders have

gotten help and changed their lives. Depression may be at the heart of your g/f's problems. Sometimes when people are on their knees..they do in fact change.

[BlueXno]

In regards to inviting with her parents. I am probably invited to something with them 6 or 7 times a year that I even find out about, only have I done something with them once or twice in a year - mainly because I had to tell her how I thought it was presumptuous to know my response. She lives with her mom and sees her dad weekly or every other week. So time alone with them is not a problem and I totally understand that, but that's not the case. I have food allergies, but I have them well under control.

 

With her friends, she will not drop them over me. She tries to find some balance. I never understood how she could sit there and allow her friends to hate me and still spend time with them etc. I confronted her about it, and she basically said she was friends with them first, so she can't just drop them as friends. I guess it's understandable...

 

She too suffers from severe anxiety. She won't take medication or go to a doctor for it. She thinks she can manage on her own.

 

All in all, I know it's over, I just have to face it.

[Ms Darcy]

I have to disagree with Ms Darcy on writing her off because it's "her nature" to be this way. Now I understand that this is a big if, but IF

she wanted to change through therapy, it is entirely possible.

 

I hope that Bungalo's bungled mischaracterization of what I've said doesn't distract you from the point.

 

BlueXno, you obviously need to decide what you need to do for you. You have a gf with a tough family history, with a lot of personal problems, who has consistently treated you in a way where you haven't felt loved for over a year. You also have someone who does try in her own ways and cares about you. At the end of the day you need to let her know what you need, stick with that, and let the relationship go or grow based on what she can give ... not on hope, not on expectation, not on forced change ... but on reality.

[BlueXno]

I really do appreciate all the help and advice people have been giving me on this forum. I think it boils down to the fact that I've been unhappy for a year and I need to move on with my life.

[abitbroken]

it doesn't matter who knew her "first" - in your life there are relationships with supercede others. Relationships with your children, spouse, etc supercede relationships with parents. You still love your parents but the new family is your primary. Relationships with a boyfriend supercedes pals - i mean, not in the first few months but if you are serious about eachother it does. If her theory was the case, she would leave a baby on a park bench because her high school pal wanted to hang out with her more. People know people longer due to circumstance, not quality of relationship.

 

I thought about counseling for my ex husband and I and he wouldn't go - so I went to counseling and I also went to bible study. I got stronger and he couldn't stand it. Some things changed - my eyes were opened. I stood up about certain things and didn't take certain treatment. But that didn't change him or who I was as a person. I am very creative and need to do something creative to really feel alive - even if its not a job - and he would make fun of it or tell me that I could not. I would work and stay up an extra hour just to journal or draw to get out my frustration. No matter what - no one can counsel that out of me and if I try to change I am miserable. That being so, if your girlfriend is not affectionate she will never be. Sitting on your lap while she is doing a video game is not what you want - it is not about a pat on a back but affection and desire.

 

If you were in high school and dating this girl I would say continue but you seem to be at that stage where you are looking for more of a partner and she does not fit you. You don't match.

 

Please let us know how you are doing. It won't be easy. It seems that you are at two different places and she does not wish to make you a full part of her life - it is not just about kisses and hugs. in the meantime, please make plans with other friends, develop and strengthen your support network as you will need them.

[BlueXno]

This certainly is not easy! This week she's been paranoid about me breaking up with her! Asking if we're alright, saying I seem distant etc. Of course I lied so she could get through her exams. Then this morning after her exam she was saying how she's still paranoid, that she knows I'm the type of person who would wait to break up until after her birthday and how she knows I would keep things locked up inside until a convenient time, which is totally true, but I feel so guilty! She also was saying how she's never dated a guy as nice as me, and she keeps expecting me to dump her because she doesn't deserve someone to be this nice to her. Also how she's pessimistic and expects the worse, etc. Saying she has low self esteem and expects people to be mad at her often.

 

So now I just feel like a horrible person for wanting to break up with her, but at the same time it's not making me want to be with her, I just feel bad about it. She did mention watching a movie tonight, and trying to be romantic, but I feel like she is doing this because she's worried I'll leave, not because she will do this normally. When I tried to break up with her 6 months ago, she was nice for a week, but that's about it. Now she's paranoid and returning to good behavior it seems. I just feel so conflicted!

 

Even as I'm typing this, she's going on about how she expects people to be mad at her, and how she doesn't deserve happiness, and how she is sorry if she's making me feel bad about all this but she just has low self esteem, etc.

[hexaemeron]

Dude, she's playing you like a violin. Saying anything to keep you there while she knows you're not happy. She doesn't care about your happiness, not really. All she cares about is if her needs are met, and if you allow her to manipulate you this way, then she'll continue getting her needs met, you'll still be miserable and nothing will get better.

[abitbroken]

I had an ex boyfriend like this. I would see him in person and say "look, you keep saying you don't deserve me. It is not about deserving. You deserve everything and more. However, sometimes people aren't compatible and have different needs....You are a good girlfriend, but I am looking for the long term, and can't be miserable all my life because someone has different needs" Perhaps you need to write her a letter to explain since she may cry and not listen to you. But maybe take a different tack and tell her if she feels she has low self esteem, to get some help. The only way my boyfriend changed was for me to break up with him - and we never got back together because he STILL was not right for me, but he got more confident for HIM.

 

I don't know - maybe just telling her its over is the best thing with no song and dance

 

BTW, it isn't "good behavior" its going through the motions. She doesn't inherently have the need for touch or express herself with touch and doesn't inherently just want to "be" with you. It is not in her.

[BlueXno]

We finally broke up last night. She kept asking me what was wrong with me, if I was ok, etc. So I finally told her I was thinking of breaking up with her. She said she's been expecting it for months. It actually went pretty smooth, I didn't expect it to go so well. I gave her her birthday gift early, she enjoyed it. She wants to remain friends, which oddly enough doesn't change much since we barely interacted like a couple and I was treated more like a friend. She understands we're not getting back together ever, but she thinks of me as a good friend and doesn't want to just drop all that. She said she noticed I wasn't happy and tried everything she could think of to cheer me up over the months but couldn't figure it out. She agrees we're not compatible. So we're broken up, it's more or less mutual, and we're remaining friends. I made sure to be as nice as possible in the breakup and address it as a "not understanding each other" thing rather than point fingers or anything. Thanks again everyone for all the support, advice, and encouragement throughout this period!

[Ms Darcy]

We finally broke up last night. She kept asking me what was wrong with me, if I was ok, etc. So I finally told her I was thinking of breaking up with her. She said she's been expecting it for months. It actually went pretty smooth, I didn't expect it to go so well. I gave her her birthday gift early, she enjoyed it. She wants to remain friends, which oddly enough doesn't change much since we barely interacted like a couple and I was treated more like a friend.

 

Good for you Blue. Isn't there a little bit of relief that you aren't struggling to make it work with someone who is just not able to give you what you need? Best!

[BlueXno]

There is a lot of relief. I feel bad about ending it all, but I know it's for the best. On a positive note, I'm going out ballroom dancing again tonight after a whole year. I'll see many of my old friends, and try to forget about my troubles. It's one of my favorite hobbies that my now ex didn't really enjoy, so it will be nice to get back into it.

[abitbroken]

There is a lot of relief. I feel bad about ending it all, but I know it's for the best. On a positive note, I'm going out ballroom dancing again tonight after a whole year. I'll see many of my old friends, and try to forget about my troubles. It's one of my favorite hobbies that my now ex didn't really enjoy, so it will be nice to get back into it.

 

Great. Good for you. It sounds like it went well.

[gurpgurp]

That's definitely coming out more and more in your posts that it's not just the affection thing. She seems to haev had a difficult upbringing and doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship as a result.

 

I dont think I am ready to type it all out on a forum because I'm not that kind of person, but I have read alot of your posts concerning this subject of people not showing affection and I am kind of having the same issue, but my story is a little different.

 

Is there a way I can send you a private message with hopes of some good advice?

 

Thanks.

 

GG

[DN]

You need to have a few more posts before private messaging is enabled.

[hers]

I'm not big into private messaging but Its helpful to post a thread. Ena is a safe place...you'll find a lot of help here.

[gurpgurp]

I'm not big into private messaging but Its helpful to post a thread. Ena is a safe place...you'll find a lot of help here.

 

Thanks for the heads up. I am taking my time writing up my post so I don't sound dumb, and will post when it's ready. I appreciate you taking the time wanting to help with some advice.

 

post soon.

 

gg

[The_Seeker]

Just feel prepared for anything and keep your heart guard up. My ex was like that.