My girlfriend is not affectionate!

[BlueXno]

@Jd1983: I agree, I don't think she's wrong the way she is, I feel it's more an incompatibility. Thanks for reassuring that I'm not overly demanding. Yeah, I doubt she will change by summer either. I'm mostly waiting for her sake, I still care about her, and I don't want to be the cause of any academic failings.

 

I also don't want to just give up on something that can be fixed. For the majority of responses, it doesn't seem like this is probable, not impossible, but not probable.

[Jd1983]

@Jd1983: I agree, I don't think she's wrong the way she is, I feel it's more an incompatibility. Thanks for reassuring that I'm not overly demanding. Yeah, I doubt she will change by summer either. I'm mostly waiting for her sake, I still care about her, and I don't want to be the cause of any academic failings.

 

I also don't want to just give up on something that can be fixed. For the majority of responses, it doesn't seem like this is probable, not impossible, but not probable.

 

No one said that you didn't care about her, of course you do. However, you have to look at it for the long term.

 

If you are not compatible together, then wouldn't it be fair for both of you to find someone else more suitable for each other?

 

Don't worry so much about what effect it will have on her, and how it can possibly affect academic failings. Sometimes it's part of life, sad to say, but true.

 

There will always be times you don't want to do something, but it's best to do so sooner than later. If anything it will possibly hurt more if you let time pass by knowing that nothing will ever change.

 

Ultimately, it comes down to this - what makes you happy? If you are with her for the sake of not wanting to see her hurt, then it's not about love, it's about pity.

[BlueXno]

@Jd1983: I know I should do it sooner than later. It's not pity, it's concern for her well-being. If she misses even one day of working on homework and lectures, she will get buried. She has weekly tests, and she cannot afford to fail a class. She went hysterical when I tried to break it off the last time, and I know she will do it again. Last time she missed over a day of school work due to my attempted breakup, this semester it's even harder. I'm not heartless, and doing something that makes you unhappy to help others is more selfless in my opinion, no?

[hers]

@hersmudders: I was just thinking, since you say you are this way and in a similar situation. How does it feel from your end? Do you think it's worth staying together with someone like me who is obviously not happy with how things are? I've really tried to make her happy, but I feel distant, she tells me she feels distant, and I don't know anymore. Seeing as you are most similar, what would you want in her shoes?

 

Sigh. It's hard to say. On one hand, I know how hard it is to want something from someone that they can't give you. It's not a won't, it's a can't. She may not be able to give you what you want. On the other hand, considering I'm in a similar relationship with a man I love so terribly deeply but don't know how to show him sometimes, I know I'd be devastated if he broke up with me over something like this. It's a compatability thing, like you said. It's not a "if she doesn't like the same music" sort of thing. This is something that you feel you need, something that validates your stance in your relationship--the "why you're together" so to speak. She doesn't have what you need.

 

Only you can decide how important that is. It sounds like it's important. But at the same time, when we love someone, we try to accept them the way they are and for who they are. Love me, love my faults sort of thing. Marilyn Monroe said it best: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." I think there's such truth to that. We tend to think of love as happy flowers and kittens sort of thing. When the bad stuff happens or comes out, we don't know what to do and our instinct is to run. We're human after all.

 

So to answer your question, it sounds like you two have a good relationship otherwise, as do my boyfriend and I. If he broke up with me over this, I don't know what I'd do. Part of me would feel guilty for not having changed my ways, but the other part of me would be extremely angry with him that he couldn't accept me for who I am and what I can't do for him. I can be a wonderful girlfriend but it's so difficult for me to be affectionate. I just don't know how. It's difficult to change who we are, as easy as it seems sometimes. If she asked you to be less affectionate b/c it was making her unhappy, woudl you be able to change? Would you know what to do? It's in your nature to be affectionate, just as it's in her nature not to be. Don't give up on her just yet.

 

@Jd1983: I know I should do it sooner than later. It's not pity, it's concern for her well-being. If she misses even one day of working on homework and lectures, she will get buried. She has weekly tests, and she cannot afford to fail a class. She went hysterical when I tried to break it off the last time, and I know she will do it again. Last time she missed over a day of school work due to my attempted breakup, this semester it's even harder. I'm not heartless, and doing something that makes you unhappy to help others is more selfless in my opinion, no?

 

This saddens me. It seems like you already have your mind made up, regardless. But careful you aren't holding off so as to make yourself look like the good guy here, by wanting her to see that you were selfless.

 

My boyfriend has read this thread and I'm trying to get him to respond to it to give you the other side of the spectrum in our relationship and what his thoughts are, but he's gone to bed. He says he'll respond tomorrow. I'm curious to know his thoughts on it myself actually.

[Jd1983]

@Jd1983: I know I should do it sooner than later. It's not pity, it's concern for her well-being. If she misses even one day of working on homework and lectures, she will get buried. She has weekly tests, and she cannot afford to fail a class. She went hysterical when I tried to break it off the last time, and I know she will do it again. Last time she missed over a day of school work due to my attempted breakup, this semester it's even harder. I'm not heartless, and doing something that makes you unhappy to help others is more selfless in my opinion, no?

 

Have you thought of it this way? Just because you see it in your eyes as a selfless act, how do you think she would feel if she found out that you are truly unhappy, but is just with her because you don't want her to become hysterical?

 

To be quite frank with you - if someone was with me just because they didn't want me to be unhappy, then I think I would rather be alone. I would want someone to want to be with me, not be with me just because.

 

Again, I see where you are coming from, but don't you think you owe it to each other that you should both be happy, and if not with each other than with someone else?

 

A relationship takes work from both sides, it's not a one way street. It may sound good that you're with her because you don't want to hurt her, but you may also possibly be doing more harm than good.

[Ms Darcy]

@Jd1983: I know I should do it sooner than later. It's not pity, it's concern for her well-being.

 

When you do it is up to you, but how well can you function in the relationship until summer when you can break up?

[BlueXno]

I am so happy to have all the input, it really helps to get all these different points of view. I haven't fully made up my mind. Part of me wants to work it out, part of me wants to move on. This is not my first relationship, but it's definitely been the most work by a factor of 10. Don't get me wrong, I want to work at a relationship and make it work. The quote about handling her at her worst and getting her best - I have no issues with commitment and handling things at their worst, what scares me is if her best doesn't make me happy. Even if she's at her best like once a month or a week a year, and I'm happy that week, it would be worth it, but it's been almost a year now that I've been unhappy. I've even kept a journal the past 3 months just to see how I feel and what I did each day. I'm very forgetful, and sometimes my mood exaggerates my memories, but the journal doesn't change. So far the journal has indicated that minimally the last 3 months I've been totally depressed, since Thanksgiving at least.

 

Issues run deeper than just affection, of all 5 love languages out there, I don't feel like I receive any of them. She's done things that hurt me greatly, like leave me home alone to hang out with another male friend (despite not having time to hang out all week), or go to a friend's party and not invite me, or not want to go on vacation with me over a weekend (during the summer), or visit me for an hour or two then leave to hang out with someone else with very short notice, she doesn't want to be around my family out of anxiety and fear of what they'll think of her, etc. All these things we've talked about, but she doesn't understand why any of them bothered me inherently, after I explained it to her she understood and somewhat stopped. I've never had wires cross like this in such a totally foreign fashion, she seems like she's from another world to me (and vice-versa). Again, this isn't my first relationship, and I've never run into such a foreign feeling before. Her main upside is her kindness and compassion, but her actions usually say otherwise.

[Ms Darcy]

You've been unhappy for a year and you feel foreign to each other. Please think about why you want to make this work. As things are, could you see yourself marrying her?

[DN]

This relationship clearly isn't working for you on any level. It is time to face the facts you have presented here and take some action.

[epicproportion]

Hi Hers' boyfriend here. A lot of what she says is very accurate but I thought I would toss in my two cents.

 

I can honestly say that I love Hers more than I ever thought would be possible and I show her everyday in as many ways as I can think of, that's who I am. I buy her random little gifts I tell her I love her 100 times a day probably, not much of an exaggeration, and all of the cheesy romantic things that you can think of. She just doesn't have it in her to be the same way. She has her own ways of showing her appreciation of me and when she does it just makes me love her more.

 

Our backgrounds are almost polar opposites. My family is very affectionate,I'm 25 years old and still hug my father on a regular basis, and we tell each other we love each other daily. Hers background is from a significantly less emotionally available family.

 

We are perfect for each other though....I know that. It's just a matter of difference of perspective. I cherish the times when she does open up and in all honesty it helps me not take her for granted, when she thinks I am asleep and rolls over to wrap her arm around me I know she is the one.

[BlueXno]

@epicproportion: Your story is very heart warming. It's similar on many levels. I know my girlfriend loves me, but it seems so empty. I suppose my girlfriend does some small random things here and there, like put her hand on me, or if I'm feeling sick make a cup of tea... You sound stronger than me. I don't know how you do it.

 

To make matters worse, my own mother doesn't like the girl, and my friends think she is too cold for me.

 

Your story makes me feel like a quitter, this is difficult! My girlfriend does so many daily actions that are contrary to showing any type of affection that the few things she does do that are nice don't really click with me. Maybe I'm too critical, but half the things she does makes no sense to me for someone to do them if they love you.

 

My girlfriend opens up all the time to me, literally. I'm also criticized by her if I don't respond in a manner of a therapist. She hates it when I try to come up with solutions to her problems, only for me to listen to them. My girlfriend also has low self esteem and does physical harm to herself if I even argue with her or raise my voice slightly. I confronted her about the physical harm, and she went hysterical and did it while I was telling her how it upsets me she does this, and then it turned into how her feelings hurt her so much she needs to feel pain elsewhere to make it better - is this normal?

 

This story runs much deeper than just a lack of affection, obviously. I suppose you make a valid point that missing physical affection alone isn't a big deal, and you can be perfectly happy with it. I think my story lacks a lot more than just physical affection, and I feel like I could cope with the rest if there was affection, but without it and the rest of the issues at hand, I have a hard time dealing with things.

[hers]

no, this is not normal at all.

 

the more and more you talk about her, the more it seems she's unstable, not just unaffectionate.

 

as for how my boyfriend (epicproportion) does it, a lot of patience, I imagine! I'm not hte easiest person to deal with, by any means. I cry at the drop of a hat, mostly out of anger and frustration, and I am very critical of him for no good reason at all. Luckily he's so easy-going that it rolls off his back sometimes, but he does tell me when it hurts him and I am able to admit when I'm doing something wrong, sometimes before he tells me I am. But I do try my hardest for us to have a healthy relationship, as difficult as it can be sometimes.

 

Anyway, on a tangent here. THe physical harm your girlfriend does to herself is what is most alarming. Is she getting help for that at all? It sounds as if she needs to, immediately, if not. You cannot be her therapist, and she shouldn't expect you to be.

[BlueXno]

@Miss Darcy: At one time I could see myself marrying her. During the first 6 months it seemed fine. After a year it seemed just ok, things slid downhill quite a bit. I felt like I was more excited to see her than she was to see me - I guess she's just not very expressive and either was happy and didn't show it, or she wasn't happy and didn't tell me why. Regardless, at this point the answer is a no.

 

I guess I can see us getting married and it working logically, like we could function well together, raise a family, etc, but I think I would be very unhappy. So would I be happy to marry her, no.

[BlueXno]

Her mother had her go to a therapist when she was younger, then again when her mother got divorced, then again about a year ago (while we've been dating). She never sticks with it, and doesn't like the therapist, and quits after a few sessions.

 

With physical harm, she never cuts herself, or does serious injury, but usually bruising or scratching. I agree with her being unstable (I guess I'm 2 for 2 with these last 2 girls I dated, I somehow attract unstable ones).

 

With being critical, she admits when she's wrong. She also tries to console me if I get upset (unless she's upset, then I have to console her first). She tells me that I don't have to be her therapist, but she makes remarks in a way that guilt me to feeling bad if I don't do it. Example: "If I can't share all my feelings with you, then I guess I can just find someone else to share them with to take the burden off of you." It sounds like drooling sarcasm and reverse psychology, but if I point out she's doing it, she denies it.

 

So yeah, I feel like I'm her therapist and it's rather difficult. Emotions are rather foreign in my family, we don't talk about them much, and I know that's also not healthy (as she pointed out), so I've tried like crazy to make her happy, to listen, to understand, etc.

[hers]

just curious: does she by any chance have a parent who is an alcoholic or addict?

[BlueXno]

Her mom apparently was one before she was born, then quit when she became pregnant. Apparently that's when issues between her parents started since her mother was no longer fun and was very critical to her father when she became sober.

[hers]

Her mom apparently was one before she was born, then quit when she became pregnant. Apparently that's when issues between her parents started since her mother was no longer fun and was very critical to her father when she became sober.

 

therapy never worked for me. the only thing that ever worked for me is Al-Anon (help for families and friends of alcoholics).

 

It's important for you to know that you can't fix her or change her. She has to do all of that on her own. You can't help those who help themselves. If you have an unhealthy relationship, it's up to you to determine how much you can handle and when to say is the final straw.

[BlueXno]

Thanks for the quick replies. My girlfriend never dealt with her mother's drinking (as far as I know), but on a different and related note, her mother had an iron deficiency and would go completely crazy on her, and chase her, and threaten to kill her or hurt her, and run around the house after her. My girlfriend is well aware that this has messed her up in life, but doesn't know what to do about it. She says this is why she flips out so much if I even raise my voice or show the slightest bit of anger. (Her mother takes iron pills now and is fine).

 

So yeah, she's not doing anything to help herself, and she doesn't stick with therapy, and I'm at the end of my rope. I could probably withstand a lot of this punishment if I at least felt loved. I suppose I didn't really think about or analyze all the different aspects as to why I've been so upset with things. It's not just a lack of affection, it's a lot of things together.

[hers]

That's definitely coming out more and more in your posts that it's not just the affection thing. She seems to haev had a difficult upbringing and doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship as a result.

[BlueXno]

I think I've come to the conclusion that I need to break up with her. Problem is when... My friends all agree that I should end it, but most of them think I should do it asap rather than wait, since it's not fair to either of us to wait. I do worry about her, that she will suffer for my actions and hurt her school work - but my friends tell me it's not fair for me to wait 3-4 months either and suffer too. Her spring break is coming up in a few weeks, but her birthday is during that break too! I did get her a present. I don't think the week is long enough for her to recover! I'm sad, but I'm more worried about her totally failing school than about my own happiness.

[abitbroken]

She maybe what they call a "dry alcoholic". I have found that if people don't deal with it, it shows in kids and grandkids. It is sort of the syndrome of living with someone who is hot and cold, etc. My ex was that way. His father would yell and his mother would cry. His father wasn't an alcoholic - but he was raised by his father who was and his mother died when he was 5 so he was the sole parent.

 

When my ex was upset about something or we had a heart to heart it was never on topic. It always dug back deep into his childhood stuff and it was very emotionally draining which made me sensitive to not wanting to end things. Despite him appearing like he wanted to change things and that he was more sensitive than the rest of the family, after we married we fell into the same pattern as his parents. He would tear me apart and I would cry. Unlike the mother, I didn't stop or start at the drop of the hat, but was really honestly crushed - the communication style of my family was not that way (brutally hurtful and then expected that the other person would realize "they were just mad and it didn't mean anything"). Oh, and my ex was pretty numb as far as hugs, etc. Your girlfriend might not be a yeller, but I see the numbness that he had.

 

I will tell you I have a boyfriend now who is the man of my dreams. He is patient, kind, and is always giving me hugs too. Everyone has knocks in life, and he has too, but there has nothing that has either happened or that he hasn't worked through to make him an emotionally available person.

 

I think that she definitely needs support groups, therapy, etc, but you should not be responsible for her healing. Since it takes two to tango, I suggest you review if you seem to be attracting women with heavy issues. Do you sort of see yourself as the "rescuer" - choosing women who have had severe hurts (i am not talking death of a relative, that's normal) or need someone to come along and solve their problems?

 

I do think breaking up now versus waiting a year would be the thing to do - I don't know if it would be better just to start limiting contact or what - I will say that my breakup ended up being a huge mess but in the end I am happier and I was able to find someone who was right for me. She will be fine - it may take her some time just like it will take you - but if you can't satisfy eachother emotionally it is a tough lonely life - i was absolutely miserable during my marriage even though people said I was married to a great guy

[BlueXno]

I've given a lot of thought to things today. I have one more week where my girlfriend has exams and cannot see me. The Monday after that it's her birthday, so the following Thursday I'll decide if I'll break up with her or not. She has a week of rotation after that, so she won't have homework, and won't get behind in school work. Plus, I'll be able to see her for 5 days, of those 5 we'll see how many I actually see her, and if somehow I'm totally exaggerating things and she's suddenly terrific, then I'll hold off, but on the likely chance of that not happening, I think I'll be calling in quits that Thursday, so 2 weeks from now. This is the best compromise I can think of between waiting till summer and breaking up now. It also gives me all of next week to think about things, and gives her a chance to rest and be happy for a good portion of her Spring break.

 

I'm still not 100% sure I want to break up with her. However, almost everyone on here and all my friends all said if I wasn't happy, then that's the real issue. She's not a bad person, just not the right person for me. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about this. Is there a nice way to break up with someone? Is there some way I can do this without it turning into a huge tear-fest?

[klynnd]

I am the same way!! Im not very affectionate person and it drives my bf crazy. After about a year into our relationship it just tapered off. I think people get to a point where they are comfortable with eachother..maybe she doesnt feel like she needs to be affectionate with you anymore because she already has you. I mean, everyone is affectionate in the beginning but when youve had it and everything is the same for so long that affection is hard to keep up..it takes energy..I think your girlfriend loves you and you love her. As long as she knows how you feel all you guys can do is justy work together.. i mean, me and my bf broke up once because i didnt pay enough attention to him and i was just like ur gf...i begged i cried and i swore i change..i changed for like a month and now im back to my regular old self...people are just differnet i guess. but ifyour not happy then get out. You dont want to make yourself miserable for someone elses success.

[BlueXno]

I think I've calmed down a lot since the start of this thread. I get to see my girlfriend tomorrow unexpectedly, which is nice that she's making time to see me. I am happy that I get to see her. My family thinks I've been irrational on how I'm upset suddenly, truth is I don't tell them much about my relationship. I'm definitely going to give things a lot of thought and see how the next few weeks play out. I really do care about her, maybe things can work out.

[Ms Darcy]

Here is some food for thought. It is loving either to accept someone or to reject someone. It is not loving just to tolerate someone.