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relationship ending ..., mate needs time and space

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I met her 8 years ago. We met in 1996. The thing that drew us closer together came one Thursday night when things just seemed to fall inot place. We met at a social gathering and she came home with me. She stayed late and left but on her way home called my office and left a 4 minute voice mail saying things like "We would be so good together...., I just feel it" and "God, when we see each other I simply feel something in my heart that says we should have a relationship" I wasn't so sure at that time but somehow we came together in late 1998 and began to see each other regularly.


It became so regular that she asked me to move into her home when my Apt. lease was up. I did so in March, 99. Fast forward 2 yrs and we have been living in the same home, we travel and do most everything together. Things seem to have settled in and we may even be starting to grow complacent in the relationship. I started detecting that and began reinforcing my love for her always let her know how impirtant she was to me. I started noticing I got no real return of those overtures.


In late summer of 2001, we took vacation to the Virgin Islands. We seemed distant and I could tell it wasn't going well. We returned home at 1 on 9/11/01. From there the things that happened shook everyone but we continued to seem more and more distant from one another. I asked her to talk with me and to see what we were doing. i told her I thought we needed to find a way to re-kindle something that seemed to be dying....., that was not good for either of us. No response.


In November, I took a trip to see friends in SC. Before I left, I asked her to think about us and we would talk when I returned. I told her I was thinking about moving out because I felt we were not going anywhere so it was very important that we figure out what we are going to do. When I got, I asked her if she had thought about things. She said she had. The only thing she told me was, "I don't want you to move out". When I asked "why" she said I don't know.


Nothing more was said. So in early December, I told her I was moving out. She responded only by saying "I'm sorry I can't give you what you need right now". At that point I committed to do the holidays saying nothing to family and friends. That I would move out after that.


I moved in Feb. and it was as if I should have stayed! She called 2-3 times each day. Every sentence was "Honey" and "sweetie" and "I love you" as the parting shot. I became agrny that she was doing this and, in early May started to ask what we were doing hoping that she had finally seen the light and wanted to work on us.


It now appears that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me...., that she wants to have some time and space....., for now, as she states it. I perceive that she is essentially saying our relationship is over. Through the last few weeks and this dialogue, it is becoming very clear that she means it BUT I keep getting mixed signals. She is currently on a short vacation with friends in MI and will return Wed. Before she left, we spent Sat. together. On two occasions, she came to me and embraced me warmly saying "I love you so much". Now if that doesn't throw one into a state of confusion, what does? The next morning as she was preparing to leave, she became rather, cold, callous and almost defensive. I saw the side I'de been seeing for the last few weeks.


I plan to ask her some serious questions once again as she retirns but fear I already know the answers. I'm in a substantial amount of pain, right now and I don't see anything positive coming from future interactions. Yet, somewhere I think I need to try and architect this so we can continue to see each other. That would require that I give her the space she's requesting and let her do what she feels she need to do. But I also fear that this is her way of breaking away and moving on.


I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I thought she was the greatest find I could ever hope to be lucky enough to have enter mylife. I feel I've given her the freedon to think through things and figure out where we can go from here. But I think she has decided I'm not the one she wants to commit to and that is my dilemma...., my pain.


I'll happily elaborate further if someone wants to provide some perspective on my situation. But I hope this paints a reasonable picture of what's going on and that someone will provide a perspective, some advices, direction....., you name it. I am in a major funk over this and can't let it continue.


Thanks in advance to anyone that might respond.

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Hi. I read your post and was very touched. Wow, you really love this woman! It seems like you are giving her all she needs and doing everything you can to make things work. I dont want to be anything but blunt when I say this, you have literally done everything you can. You cannot force someone to be what you want them to be. She may have issues you may not know about or she may have a hard time talking to you about.


As a woman, I can tell you, when one has built a wall for whatever reason, there is no breaking it down until we are ready. I can tell you that I thought I found the love of my life about 3 years ago now. We met while I worked at a gas station part time and if I have ever felt heaven, it was that night. I mean it was love ar first sight. There wasnt anything that we wouldnt do for eachother. We were always there for one another and we made peopl sick. I remember feeling the shaky feelings. I mean I would shake so badly and I didnt know why. He mademe so nervous. It was the best but weirdest feeling that I have ever felt. Well we didnt work out. Unfortunately we started with him going through a divorce and had 2 kids. I was only 22 at the time and I am not using that as an excuse, but I didnt know how to handle it. His ex lived in Florida. We lived in Illinois, so we had no problems until the 5th month. She (his ex calledand wanted the kids to come up and stay with us for good) so I went from being single and being able to do things for me to having to worry about if I would be a good mother. Well, my pride wouldnt let me do it. I must say this is the number one reason why we didnt work. I built this wall and wouldnt let him in. I left him countless times and made him choose between me and his kids I was bad. Then one day the last time I left, was the last time he took it. Basically, now he has a child ( a new one and a new woman ) I regret not being there more than anything in my life. I was wrong, but I lost him. Well even though I am involved now with a wonderful man. He was my first and I regret this everyday. I always think about what I could have done differently. Only if I, only if I. What if I just been patient? I wasnt understanding in it. I was selfish. But 2 weeks ago he contacted me, he told me he still loved me. I choked and hung up. What does one do? I couldnt do anything. But blame myself for not being more understanding and there for him while he was going through his hard times.


I am only just trying to make a point that if you think she is the one for you, find out what she needs. Give her the respect of doing whatever it is. You have to trust her. Know that she is doing this for a reason. It could be because she is scared, she could have a problem she is dealing with alone. Some women get down on themselves related to self-esteem. Whatever it is, if you believe in your love, ask her what she wants. You wouldbe amazed at the appreciation a woman feels when the man listens to what she wants. Once you figure it out, all you can do, is keep trying to show her how you feel. I understand the confusion she is puting you through, but if you love her and if you are sure she loves you, "love" is worth it. Sure, it will hurt, but would you rather be without her in all? Be patient. Ask her what she wants. Be that. If you are sure and trust that this is for real and to last forever. Let her come around. Giver her the space she needs but DONT abondon her. I abondoned him. That was my mistake.


Good luck and keep us posted.



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My thanks for the kind words. When I posted the message I had just gone through a night where, while house / dog sitting for her...., the place I lived for 3 years until last Feb......, one of her dogs got out of the yard. Don't know when it happened because I was with friends all day Sunday. When I got there about 6 one dog came to me but the other did not.


Of course, I went into a panic and began scouring the neighborhood to find her. To make a long story short, I found her about 9 that night sitting in a parking lot some 3/4 mile away from the house panting and looking totally exhausted. When she saw me she ran to me and just dribbled all over herself. Got her home (er, Susan's home..., gotta stop that), the other dog was, of course, happy to see us both. I checked her out and she seemed fine.


Well, during the process, I continued to try and contact Susan on her cell phone. She is in Saugatuck, MI with a friend and her kids through Wed. I was running the gamut of emotions in trying to find the dog, as you might imagine. Once I did and she came running to me...., so happy to see me...., I started thinking about unconditional love and how that dog, a dog I've been around for 3 and 1/2 years, was so happy and to know I found her.


We sat in that d&*%$ parking lot for 10 minutes while she licked my face and moaned. I just sat and cried like a baby. It all came out...., everything I'm feeling right now....., and I'm sure the last message I left for Susan on her cell that night about 10PM reflected my emotional state.


I finally got a call from her Monday morning about 9 while I was getting a new battery for my car at the dealership. I was a blithering idiot after everything that happened on Sunday night. I was too emotional at the time and told her we needed to talk when she gets back Wed. She said O.K. but I could tell it was a difficult thing for her to say.


She returned a call to me after I returned to my office and had my cell phone off. She saud she felt bad about what had happened and, if it was too much for me to deal with, I should call cousins who live close by. She said we'd talk if I wanted to on Wed. and she would, and I quote, "do everything I can to help relieve my stress".


We are to do a charity event this Friday for the Indianapolis zoo. it's an annual black tie event that is heald to raise money for the zoo and a very fun event. it's also close to Susan's home so we taxi there. this is one of my birthday presents from her this year (my B-day was 5/24 - now 44).

She mentioned in her voice mail that we will go to Zoobilation and have fun Friday but that is open to debate in my mind right now.


I have made my plans for the remainder of the week. I'm going to stay over Wed. night and wait for her return but I don't plan to try to talk then. instaed I just want to hear how her mini-vacation went. On Thursday, I'm hoping we can go to a favorite restuarant of ours and grab some appetizers and a drink on their rooftop dining area. Then we can talk a little but. I want to then make Zoobilation a positive event for us, and spend the night. I'm going to then get up Saturday and have a BRIEF talk with her.


I've created a document titled "Mike & Susan's Relationship Agreement". It kind of reads like a contract but hits on all the areas that I agree to, per Susan's requests (and some others) my requests and what I agree to, then, finally, what we both agree to, together. I'd love to bounce it off someone other than my closest friend, Randy, who saw it last night and said he thought it was perfect. If you'd like to read it and provide your take, let me know how I can get it to you.


I've spent a lot of time responding but you already had a good idea of what was going on anyway. If there are tons of typo's, my apologies. I truly appreciate your feedback and I will heed it. I will likely re-read it a few times too. So again, my thanks for a woman's perspective and know that I value the feedback.


Onward for now

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