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Whose breaking up with who?


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So I guess the easiest way is to tell the story, perhaps it'll answer all my own questions typed out.


A couple of days before NYE I broke up with her after she said something immature. After 30 minutes of talking to my brother and his suggestions, I decided I wanted to be free of the immaturity and went over and did it. We'd been having small fights because we were never seeing each other because we were working so much so we could go away overseas together. I needed quality time with her and she needed someone who she could count on all the time.


She went into extreme 'want you back' mode, 3 days to my house, emails, facebook comments/posts on friends walls, etc and conservations always ending in I love you. She never gave up, which is something I love her for, but right now I hate her for it. I went overseas on the holiday by myself, surprised at how much the breakup did not hurt me. After reading through this forum I realise why that was... It was because I always had the option of going back.


A week after getting back (about a month and a half after NYE) she went interstate with a friend with the mindset she was getting over me, there are much worse things in mind. She began NC i guess. I instantly wanted her back. I called her up after she got back and suggested we start again, except when she said I'd have to jump through hoops and that I'd broken a lot of trust I felt trapped. Like the thought of going through my entire family and telling them we were back together was a massive hassle as I know what they'd all say.


She'd moved on, she found a new 'person' whom she could rely on. Its a guy she met interstate, 7 years her elder. She says that she can be whoever she wants with him and he doesn't care.


When I suggested we start again, we talked for a little longer, then she pulled me in and kissed me. I didn't want it as I knew it would screw me and her up, but who am I to stop it?! It led to the start of sex, which she initiated, but didn't actually want... She punched me and started crying saying she both loved and hated me. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world... Like the nice guy who just killed a little rabbit... "not very nice anymore are you!"


She left in a hurry, I called to apologize and she said it would never happen again and same with the kiss. I could call when I wanted but that wouldn't happen again.


She went in for surgery on her back yesterday and I went without warning to see her before she went in. I just walked in and asked her if she wanted to play cards... She did. I knew she was scared and needed a distraction. I called later that evening because I couldn't take NC anymore and needed to find out if her surgery went ok and she was good. She thanked me for the visit and I said I was planning on coming again today, she said "don't" as there was many other people coming. I said "fine, I might pop over wed if your bored". I offered to take her out one day due to her not being able to drive due to surgery for a month.


Anyway, here I am. I spoke to my mate for a long time yesterday about the whole situation and he referred me to here and the benefits of the magical NC and it's effect on your health in the breakup. I am happy to have found this, as it made me aware that I am fresh in the breakup, my decision making is impaired. I realised I can't make a real decision until the pain goes away if I want any real chance of a reunion. But as much as people say no, all I want is to be there for her after her surgery.


I found a letter in the mail yesterday from her. It was in two parts, the first half before she went interstate, a depressed and needy girl in want of me back, and the second, a happier and getting over me return from her travels.


But it all feels like a dream. That I made the inital decision to break up in anger and haste without discussion and as soon as the words came out of my mouth I was asleep. I feel like I was sleeping the whole time and she was trying to wake me up shaking and pleading with me to wake up, and now she's stopped and walked away. I'm finally awake and left by myself wondering what happened.


I now don't know what to do. I feel that due to my pain I've caused her, I feel indebted to her. I feel that I should be doing things to make it right. I feel that I need to both give her space, but also be there when she needs me. Like when she is bored in hospital or when she needs to get out of the house.


Thanks for reading this super long post, I hope there aren't too many sp errors and no, this hasn't clarified anything in the slightest. I don't know if I'm the dumper/dumpee anymore. All i know is since she initiated nc, I've been screwed...

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How long were you going out?? It sounds like you weren't very happy in the relationship and it was a natural progression of things that you broke up- the way you phrased things sounds now like you're not missing her so much as the things you used to do together and.. having someone there for you.


Maybe it's best to just let her go completely- you don't owe her anything. The pain that you caused her was necessary for you both to move on with your lives and she would've gotten over it in time if you hadn't gone back.


She's probably as torn up as you but- if you guys got back together and things became normal again in your lives then you'd probably want to break up with her all over again. It's not meant to be.


As for being there for her after the surgery- maybe you could send her a card or something that shows that you care.. but really, when she's getting better her back isn't the only part of her that's healing.


I'd say let her go, but that's just my opinion XD


Long post is long btw!!


Sorry I couldn't be more help xx

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2 years, we had our ups and downs. There is some history that won't ever be erased as i'm sure all relationships have. However I know you have the possibility of being the most correct. However I'm so uncertain it feels horrible. I feel that I have to wait a month, develop myself and re-evaluate in that time. Obviously I don't want to lose her, but in some ways that a clean break might be best for her. I am extremely jealous that she has a rebound to talk to and cry to about these things. I wish I had the same...

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But it all feels like a dream. That I made the inital decision to break up in anger and haste without discussion and as soon as the words came out of my mouth I was asleep. I feel like I was sleeping the whole time and she was trying to wake me up shaking and pleading with me to wake up, and now she's stopped and walked away. I'm finally awake and left by myself wondering what happened.


Those words made me get that freaky sensation in the pit of my stomach. I think a lot of us dumpees see it on our side. Especially when the break-up is unexpected. I think we dumpees often describe it as like overnight our lover is replaced by someone totally different, and we'd kill to get back the person they were. It's unusual to see that dumpers can feel this way too. Surreal, isn't it?


If she was not already in a relationship my biggest advice would be to make your intentions clear.. even though that's me projecting what I want out of my ex. It's likely she saw that you acted like "Well I want you back... but you aren't worth actually having to put in effort!". I'm sure you didn't say those words, but she was probably still offended. Sad thing is, I wonder if she hadn't found this new guy or initiated NC, if you'd be interested at all.


Take this NC as a time to heal and maybe eventually she will have a change of heart. Right now it seems like she needs her space to decide what she wants. It sounds like you both have a lot of pain and resentment that needs to be let go of before you can have a healthy reconciliation.

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