LONG: a little bit of every section

[doublex]

Hello my name is Kyle, I'm 18, first post. I need to talk about all this...I just feel miserable about it. I am sorry if this comes off as really self-centered and I hope you don't think of me in a bad way.

 

My parents are pissing me off so much recently. They have, in my opinion, one of the most subtle bad relationships ever. There is no physical abuse or anything. Both of them work. My mom is fairly depressed. My grandmother died in 2006, she's still not over it. She is probably going through a mid-life crisis. But she is super catholic, so she hasn't truly reached out and is against therapy in every way. She internalizes her own pain. She lets it show by lashing out at me, my brother, and my dad rather often. She works 60+ hours a week, not including the time she comes home and works the rest of the night on her laptop. She will occasionally be at work from 8am - 9pm. She manages the servers or whatever at techtarget.

 

My dad is partially to blame, as well. He does very little work around the house because he has his own time-consuming job in the high school administration. He should be helping my mom out with whatever she is going through, and maybe he is doing his best, but she isn't doing well in my opinion. So both my parents work, they are good people and supportive, they just fight over the smallest things and will insult each in a petty way. Like my dad says something a little too sarcastic and my mom will say 'don't be an * * * * * * * '. She is getting more and more angry and open about her frustration which I guess is good, but I dunno. She has the occasional day when she will literally berate all of us for not helping her around the house and how we are all terrible people.

 

She does all this, and then complains when she has no one to talk to? And both of my parents demand my respect...how can I respect them when they don't even respect each other? When they act perfectly normal around me and then will yell at each other all the time? It's really driving me up a wall. I know it's their privacy or whatever, but I feel as though I am getting the ricochet damage. I honestly wish they would just get divorced and be done with it. I've told my mom to get help and she says no. I want to be there for her but I can't, because she treats me so condescendingly I can't be there for her. She can't maintain her dominance over me and then expect me to comfort her as a friend. I feel awful for saying that but it's true.

 

And I'd like to talk about my parents disappointment towards me. I was really, really smart as a toddler, and had these great cognitive tests and whatnot and so my parents were so proud of me and though I was going to do these great things. I still do good in school and I take Honors/AP classes, but unless I get straight A's they get seriously pissed. I have been accepted to Brandeis University with some schoalarships and I am majoring in biochem (pre-med), but I don't want to do it. My parents just want me to be happy in my career, but only if I do what they want. I am the president of my schools creative writing club and I am in a band that plays gigs. But my mom (and my dad to an extent) want none of it. I have to lie and sneak out so I can go play music, because my mom thinks that all my friends are drugees and I'll get killed playing music. I am a nice person I don't smoke weed or drink or anything. They also said that instead of writing or playing music I should be studying...on a Friday!!! They don't want me to go to school for anything non-science, and they want me to get a job that is respectable not something I'd like, most likely so they feel like accomplished parents.

 

That's just part of why they bother me. I have asked my mom if I could go to a therapist and she doesn't want to and that I am not really sad or I am faking some emotional issues I have. I was molested by a church organizer guy from my church when I was 6 or 7 maybe, to when I was 11 and he died of stomach cancer (my emotional connection to atheism is pretty apparent now I guess). I don't want to go into it and I have only told one person. I still have miserable, vivid nightmares at least twice a week and I wake up feeling like I was just violated. I really hate it more than anything in the world and wished that I never had to go to sleep because I always have like a 50% chance I will wake up terrified. It obviously puts me in the worst mood and really * * * * s with my personality. They have been happening since before I was in high school. I saw my in-school psychologist and she said that I should continue seeing her because I have some type of mental illness apparently. I don't know if I really do but I love talking to her because she actually listens. I told my mom I was seeing her and she called guidance department and told them not to. Then when they said that I needed it she told my dad to shut them up, because he has control over them because he works as a school administrator in my school. So I am not allowed to go to guidance anymore in my school. I hate my parents, I want to call cps but it will just ruin everything and I can't bear to see them like this. I just have to hold on for another few months until graduation, and then I can go off to college and be rid of them.

 

Also, my best friend since I was four died Sept 5 2008, and it furthered my * * * * ty feelings. I never had many friends and he was by far my closest, like a twin brother. I did painkiller for a few months but I stopped when I ran out of money. Luckily that didn't turn into anything. I know it sounds awful and I am kind of trembling while I type this but I also cut myself with a razor on my upper thigh so no one could see it. I still do it and have been doing it for more than a year now, I guess it's really bad but I really lets me transform my emotional state into physical pain, and then the pain goes away for awhile and I am relieved. I know it's probably not healthy and it probably seems like I am depressed and self-centered and freak but whatever...I have really grown apathetic to everything. I don't want to scare people and I know it sounds bad but I think about offing myself a lot. I wouldn't be against death, because I honestly think it would be amazing to be nothing. Not even feel nothing, because that means I would recognize the absence of feeling, like boredom. It would just transcend boredom because I wouldn't even realize there was nothing, I would simply be it.

 

I guess the scariest thing is, I am the happiest I have been these last few weeks. I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone before I improve myself but the girl I am going out with is amazing. I am really sarcastic and basically a hipster, she is like a mirror image of me and we get along great and joke around. I know it's bad to have emotional problems and then date someone, because your emotions get attached to the person so if we ever broke up I would hypothetically be miserable. Like I would be dependent on her. I guess I am doing a bad thing by dating her...I dunno. I seem pretty * * * * ty here but in real life I am confidant and made some good friends this year. I talk to her about my problems, told her my past and she has been supportive, ironically she has super strict parents that basically told me to stay the hell away from her. She chooses (I don't force her) to lie to her parents and be with me, and I have to lie to my mom to go out with her as well.

 

I really have no idea why I even wrote this or what I even expect for a response. If you have anything you would like to add or anything you could give advice for, I would really, really appreciate it. I feel like I am the biggest * * * * up in the world...

[cj91481]

I know your pain is really all I can say. I had issues growing up and it messed me up as an adult in my opinion. I'd like to recommend a site for you its link removed

 

I am not saying your mental but the site has it's plus's. I don't know much about disorders besides the one's that I have so I am not suggesting any to look into. I truly think you have to think for yourself. You are 18 and cps can't do anything for you at this point. You are to old. I am the put my foot down and not care who I hurt at that point. Maybe that's not a good thing maybe it is but all in all stop worrying about upsetting your parents look at the upset they caused you.

 

As for the cutting, it's not good and I would see someone for it. Your 18 like I said they don't have that control over you anymore. You have health ins. call them get a therapist your parents can't stop it.

 

At the end of everything you have to remember your 18 you are no longer a minor do what YOU want/need.