Jump to content

My BF is not a gift giver :(


Recommended Posts

Hi there.... Could really use some advice on how to approach this topic with my BF (or not bring it up). My bf and I have been dating 10 months, he treats me amazing.. Always makes my lunches, runs me baths, gives me massages, etc. He has a really good job, makes at least 80k/year.. However he has his own home, mortgage, lots of bills etc that he pays for himself. We practically live together already, he asked me awhile back to move in but I've been taking it slow and just sleepover and have a few drawers/closet space etc. I don't pay any bills here as I only make 35K so it's just enough to pay all my own bills. I live between his house and with my parents, where I don't pay rent either.

I am very thankful for my boyfriend, he does so much for me that you can't put a $ value on.. However... We've been dating 10 months and he has only bought me flowers once or twice way back when we first started dating. We are more home-body types, so we don't do fancy dinners or weekend getaways, etc.

This past Xmas he did treat me really well and took us away to Mexico.. So yes I can't complain. We did stockings as well and he put a few goodies in there, just small stuff.

I just had my birthday on the 12th and Valentine's Day ofcourse on the 14th and I've been laid up in bed all week from having surgery on the 9th

My bf took the week off to take care of me (which was so nice) but he only got me a few magazines and a $50 gift certificate.

I was kind of blah & down since I couldn't do anything special for my birthday or V-day and I think he noticed that.. So on Valentine's Day he got a cake and a little teddy bear I saw at the grocery store the day before.

It was a nice thought, but it felt like he only did it because I said I was down not being able to do anything special.

 

I don't want to seem like I'm ungrateful because I'm not... However, I've dated 2 men in the past long-term that always managed to buy me something nice for a birthday or Valentine's Day and they made WAY WAY WAY less money. Substancially less money!

 

I just wish my boyfriend would treat me to something nice like Jewellery, or clothes or something he knows that would really light up my face.

I feel bad for saying this, but it does bother me only because my previous boyfriends seem to put for emphasis on spending $ on gifts. It's just one of those things women love... Men know that ! lol

 

My boyfriend will do little things like buy me vitamins or spend $75 on protein powder for me, things like that and I can't help but think "why would you spend money on that stuff".... Girls don't care about that lol

He also spends money frivolously sometimes for example we went to Mexico and had an awesome room already and he paid extra $700 to upgrade our room to a swim-up that we didn't even use because the water was cold.

 

I also know in the past when we first started dating he used to spend a lot of money out with his guy friends (they are very wealthy!) to keep up with them. He once paid $500 for a bottle of vodka at bottle service!

He doesn't spend money like this anymore (he rarely goes out) nor did he ever spend money like that on me. The most expensive dinner we have ever been on probably cost $80 and that was it once or twice.

 

To me it's not about the money, if a guy makes very little $ then I wouldn't care... But I feel my boyfriend has the capacity to treat me once in a while and he doesn't.

 

What do you think, just not say anything? Or ask him why?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 86
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Um, I'd say he's doing a wonderful job at making sure you're spoiled and taken care of.

 

What he's done is alot in 10 months, in my opinion. I'd say you should be greatful because what he's done for you is alot more than other girls can say.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that expense in the gift means little.

 

He took the week off to take care of you.

 

Although magazines and gift certificates are a little ordinary and have little thought (unless I absolutely loved those magazines or was at that place all the time), I think the amount of time he spends with you and his gestures are quite extraordinary.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My 2 c's....my G/F makes a lot more than I do. But she is not a gift giver either, just frugal. I didn't get a V-day card, and knew beforehand. So when I gave her a homemade card and a burned CD, she was....great!

 

Some people just don't do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure why this is so important to you. He sounds like a wonderful man. My husband and I don't have a lot of money, never have, but I can guarantee you that spending the evening on the couch, cuddled up and watching a DVD is way more rewarding than anything he could buy me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems to me that he IS a gift-giver: taking the week off to take care of you, magazines, a cake, A TRIP TO MEXICO (both expensive and thoughtful). To me it sounds like he does pay attention to you and definitely spends a fair bit of money and thought on you, especially paying for your dinners out and other couple activities.

 

To be honest I just don't see how you can say anything to him. Sounds like he often gives you thoughtful presents just because ... you will sound very materialistic if you complain that you haven't gotten jewelry or some other status gift. You say it's not about the money, but it seems like it is. You want a present from him that you can wear and that will light up your face, BECAUSE he has the income to afford it.

 

I think you're not seeing how good you have it and how well he is treating you. I strongly suggest that you say nothing to him.

 

If he asks you what you would like for a birthday, or Christmas, you can tell him you would love a piece of jewelry, but say nothing more than that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would never say he's cheap or not a good boyfriend, I guess it's just natural to compare to past experiences. He does spend quality time with me, so did my other 2 long terms. My ex fiance also took a week off to make sure I woke up in the night to take my meds when I had my tonsils out. I'm lucky that way, my bf's (including mine now) are very kind people who spend a lot of time and care on me. I agree that means way more than anything money can buy!

 

However, I'm big on presents/gifts... Giving and receiving.. For my boyfriend's bday I spent time and some money on gifts for him and even for Xmas I wanted to buy him something really nice so I was going to buy him a big screen tv for his room. He declined because he has a tv already (he's frugal sometimes)... So instead I said I would put money towards our trip that he was taking us on at Xmas.

I still did stocking stuffers and spent at least $100-150 on stuff for his stocking and I put a few hundred bucks towards our trip to pay it off his credit card.

 

We have already talked about marriage and engagements, so maybe that's coming down the road? Maybe that's why he's being frugal right now... Not sure..

 

I just really wish he would stop spending money on protein powder or vitamins for me, etc. as those things add up.. I'd rather get them myself and he can treat me once in awhile to something on a special occasion.

I guess it's just the way people are... Some are more practical.. He's the type that would rather spend money on something I need (like new tires, car work, etc.) that buy me clothing or jewellery.

 

If I look at it that way, then yes he does do a lot for me... Just can't help that I'm a girl and we love gifts and flowers and all that cute stuff

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What your b/f makes is moot to the equation. You're not entitled to his salary, as he's not entitled to yours. For that matter, $80K isn't that much when you consider a mortgage and other living expenses.

 

Unless you also buy him gifts like expensive jewelry, I don't think you're being very reasonable.

 

Looking at the list of things he does do for you and pays for, there's no aspect of cheapness going on. Many times with people who are gift cheap, it will permeate to other aspects of the relationship like begrudging of time and emotion which isn't happening in your sitch.

 

Try to appreciate him more or you're going to lose a decent man over a bauble or two.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know I'm being a bit silly.. He probably just doesn't know what I want/would like as I've never said anything. He also doesn't ask me what I want.. So it never gets brought up. I just kiss him and thank him for everything he does.

 

I guess I'm weird cause I would rather get nothing all year, no dinners, no small gifts, nothing.. and then 1 time receive a small piece of jewellery.. I don't mean thousands of dollars.. You can get a nice piece for $200-500.

It might seem silly, but I just love stuff like that...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's true I could buy myself the jewellery... I just see him spending money on silly things that he could save his $ on and buy a gift on my birthday or Valentine's Day instead.

With me, I ask him what he needs or wants for birthday/xmas etc. I would buy him whatever he wanted! I don't make nearly as much money as he does and I've already offerred/thought of gifts for him that are way more expensive than things he's bought me.

 

But again, I guess everyone is different. I'm into special occassions and spoiling the person.. It's one or two times a year you get a chance to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong, I treat him on an everyday basis too... I pay for food, dinners, buy him little things when we're out etc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's true I could buy myself the jewellery... I just see him spending money on silly things that he could save his $ on and buy a gift on my birthday or Valentine's Day instead.

With me, I ask him what he needs or wants for birthday/xmas etc. I would buy him whatever he wanted! I don't make nearly as much money as he does and I've already offerred/thought of gifts for him that are way more expensive than things he's bought me.

 

But again, I guess everyone is different. I'm into special occassions and spoiling the person.. It's one or two times a year you get a chance to do something like that.

Don't get me wrong, I treat him on an everyday basis too... I pay for food, dinners, buy him little things when we're out etc

 

Honestly, you're being quite ungrateful to his gestures.

 

It's the small things that really count in a relationship. You want to be spoiled your way. You are being spoiled but you're being picky about the way in which he is spoiling you.

 

Take a step back and find where your values lay.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is pointless being with someone who doesn't match up to your expectations over spending money on you because in the end your resentment will as corrode the relationship you will constantly be disappointed by the inadequacy of his outlay.

 

Find someone who is prepared to buy expensive jewelery and clothes for you. It would be nice if he also did all the things that your present boyfriend does but if those things are not as important as him spending more money then you will still probably be more happy than you are now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not going to say anything to him, I'd glad I posted this.. Because he does do a lot for me in other ways, so I won't complain. I agree, I do want something from Tiffany's LOL.. So I will just go buy it myself.

He is a wonderful guy.. He does make 80-100K/year as he is a police officer and he can do as many extra shifts per month if he wants to. He told me he made 100K last year.

He has his mortgage and all the normal bills utilities/car payments, etc. However, with his income to me that is VERY comfortable living.

I only want to make another 1K per month so I can buy a house with him and afford the mortgage. And even that would only put me in the 45-50K range per year. He's doubling that !

 

My father also had a good job (he's retired now) and made 80K /year with 3 children and a wife with no income! If there's a time to enjoy travel/gifts, etc. I would think it would be now.. We don't have kids and I don't cost him any money I pay for myself completely (as I should) including groceries, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sasha, do you know for fact that he's happy with the little gifts you give him? Perhaps he also wants you to stop wasting your money on little gifts and get him a big gift, once a year. Or perhaps he appreciates your small gestures.

 

I do agree that if material possessions make you happy, time to get a better job and make your own money, so you can buy yourself the things that make you happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sasha, do you know for fact that he's happy with the little gifts you give him? Perhaps he also wants you to stop wasting your money on little gifts and get him a big gift, once a year. Or perhaps he appreciates your small gestures.

 

I do agree that if material possessions make you happy, time to get a better job and make your own money, so you can buy yourself the things that make you happy.

 

I mentioned earlier that I tried to get him more expensive gifts, but he declined. I wanted to buy him a 32" plasma flatscreen TV for the bedroom (he has one in living room) but he declined saying no need for that, he already has a tv. I also wanted to buy him a really nice watch ($450) and he said don't bother as he has a really nice Nixon watch worth 1K.

I just buy him clothing, shoes, etc. Or pay to take him for dinners and buy him stuff around the house I know he eats or uses a lot.

I have asked him for ideas as well and he never offers up anything.

It's almost like he expects NOTHING of me.. But I could never do that.

 

I even offerred to pay his internet bill every month since I'm the one that owns the laptop and he just uses mine.

I would do even more for him if he gave me more ideas lol.

 

I'm not expecting expensive gifts or clothing... I guess I just haven't told him what I might like, so he can't expect to know. From the sounds of it he has never been a gift giver with ex girlfriends and I know his parents and he don't do any gift exchanges either.. They're in there 60's and he is 34 so they don't bother with that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

but it does bother me only because my previous boyfriends seem to put for emphasis on spending $ on gifts

 

YES, BUT THIS GUY INVESTS HIS TIME. And according to your description he is really treating you nicely. He is giving you everything that any guy who is serious about you would. A trip to mexico is far better than a shirt here and there. Maybe you'd like smaller gifts but more often. Maybe that's your style and he has a diff idea what you might like. I don't think he's being cheap. In my eyes I think you should be happy and content. His emotional investment and reliability are far more worthy than a gift here and there. Any idiot can buy you a necklace or a shirt or a perfume. Thats easy.

Oh, and you should try living alone and covering expenses. It's not easy and it takes more money than you can imagine. Try to make a list of all expenses a guy like your bf has - even the small ones. You'll see how it builds up easily. Living alone is far diff than living with your parents. It gives you more freedom but it's stressful too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh I understand.. I know it does and imagine having the cost of children as well. He does want to get married and wants kids as well, so maybe these things are all on his mind.

 

He has already asked me to move in now, even with my income... But I am working for a great company that has tons of career potential so I want to wait until I make a little more and can actually buy a house together and split the mortgage. That's just how I'd like to do things, so it's a little more fair. I will never "catch up" to him financially and he will have more equity than I will.. But I'd like things to feel a little more 50/50. I lived with an ex fiance in his house before and I didn't like the feeling that it was "his house" and "his rules".. Some people take real advantage of a situation like that.

 

But either way... maybe I just need to communicate a little more what I'd like gift-wise... Or just shut up and buy it myself.. I do see and realize he does a lot for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a suggestion, the next time he offers to pay for a $75 bottle of protein powder, you can say to him:

 

"That's really nice of you to offer to pay for it but do you know what would make me really happy? If you saved that kind of money and bought me a gift for my birthday, something like a reasonably priced pair of gold earrings or necklace."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I don't see what the big deal is with just casually mentioning it to him that you like trinkets every now and then. Explicitly say that you like things from Tiffany's or pocketbooks or whatever floats your boat.

 

Clearly you have been waiting around for him to surprise you with these kinds of things and have been disappointed to some extent, when it doesn't happen. I don't see that going away as time goes on, unless you just say it. He can't do something he doesn't know about.

 

He definitely sounds like a great guy, but some efforts do need to be given to what your partner enjoys or likes...I'd consider it a relief if my bf said "hun, instead of getting me X, I really would enjoy Y instead sometimes"..nothing wrong with that. I don't see it being ungrateful, if you're letting him know what you specifically like...

 

My bf has given me flowers and gifts from Tiffany's, LouisV, Coach, etc.....but he also knows I like those kinds of gifts.. My vote is to just tell him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, he sure sounds like a gift-giver to me! Not a lot of guys I know would take off a week, let alone a day, to spend time with their girls when they are sick! Heck, my ex used to get angry at me when I was sick and had to go to the hospital. You got a 50 dollar gift card and magazines?! I don't know what else you would expect. Where are you getting your expectations? I honestly don't know many guys who would do anything that your bf is doing. Sounds like he is doing a LOT! I would reevaluate my expectations and don't even bring it up. Instead, start doing nice things for him and express your appreciation to him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...