Jump to content

sexless arranged marriage - HELP!


Recommended Posts

I am 34 and my wife is 30 - we had an arranged marriage 6 months back. we had talked for about 4-5 months prior to that - mainly friendly chats and dated a bit before we decided to get married.

however marriage has been quite an eyeopener for me - on the day of the marriage my wife informed me that she does not want to have sex with me and that I am not attractive to her in "that manner", and she dint know whether it will ever happen between us. I was devastated - but held a straight face thinking she will learn to love and appreciate in a while. she was living ina differnt city for job reasons and moved back to my home after 2 months - in the meanwhile our relationship was suffering due to lack of communication - my calls went unanswered or sometimes I got no answers to my queries.

a month later she informed me that she doesnt want to change her name for professional reasons - and that was another blow to me - I could understand the professional reasons but she never liked to be referred to as Mrs. A even in social settings.

most of the times she behaves like a stranger - trying to avoid situations that would lead to conversations with me - has food quickly and goes to bed before I come back from work and leaves before I wake up - leaving only the weekends for some talking. this behaviour hurts me a lot - since I dont know what is bothering her so much - being newly married I give her a lot of space and alone time so that she can take her time to adjust. I never questioned her behaviour trying to be the good guy.

during the christmas and new years holidays - I asked her to come for a honeymoon vacation - even promised her that we wont have sex till she is comfortable.. however she dint trust me and herself.. and we ended up not going.

every night at bed I have to be careful in not touching her - though we sleep on the same bed - as she cringes and wakes up as if someone is trying to molest her - making me feel as if I am totally unattractive and rejected.

 

my patience is starting to wear away with this continuous rejection and dispassion - my friendly advancements have been either outright rejected or labelled as "attempts to rape" causing my sensitive heart great pain - I now fear making any attempts at intimacy and just ask her to remain friendly at the least.

 

however she has no hesitancy in making demands on my time or money - she has accepted marriage in that sense - she feels no qualms in spending my money and demands that she be entertained and dined and wined regularly - whether I like it or not.

 

I admit I have not been much with women - in my 15 years of adulthood, I have just dated 4 women - I am not unattractive - and have a good job and make good money.

 

now I feel like a complete fool.. for having gone through this pain and anguish and feel like I am not getting back anything for my giving - though I have the capacity to give much more.. I just dont feel like giving anymore -

 

need help - especially from others in a similar situation if there are any - and women to understand my wifes perspective - since she is not talking despite my various attempts to understand her behaviour

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not many on this bored have experienced an arranged marriage. Could you talk to your parents about your problems and see if they have any advice?

 

If I were you, I would start talking to her. Put an open dialogue out there and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Be extremely calm and understanding.

 

Tell her that you want to make the best of this and you want to have a happy relationship and you want to know what the both of you need to do to be happier. Talk to her about spending more time together and becoming friends.

 

Once you get the communication and friendship down, the sex issue will be worked on later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, if she refuses to consummate the marriage, then you can get the marriage annuled (as it, legally it never happened).

 

Marrying someone and then refusing to have sexual relations with them is actually considered a type of fraud, because a marriage is really about having sex with your spouse and having children etc.

 

She should never have married you if she didn't intend to have sex with you. It sounds like she caved into parental pressure to marry, but that should not be your problem or loss, if she refuses sex.

 

Frankly, i wouldn't fool around with this, and would just immediately file for an annulment on grounds for failure to consummate the marriage. The longer you stay married, the more grounds she has to go after marital assets if you divorce. But the good news is if she refuses to consummate the marriage, you can get an annulment as if you were never married, and won't have to give her a marital settlement i think.

 

I'd talk to an attorney to get details on getting an annulment. She sounds selfish and totally uncooperative, and you don't want to be yoked for life to such a person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes, i agree with lavenderdove. if she refuses to have sex, those are grounds for annulment. i don't know where you live, but it would be good for you to check out the laws of the country in which you live. this isn't sounding like a good situation. i know some people have arranged marriages and things eventually work, but she doesn't seem to be making attempts to be your wife at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

n the day of the marriage my wife informed me that she does not want to have sex with me and that I am not attractive to her in "that manner", and she dint know whether it will ever happen between us.

 

these are things she should have told you far in advance!!! not the day of the wedding!

 

i wonder, was she raped or molested when she was younger?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the advice guys.. still I am in love with her.. and love is making me act strangely I guess.. I am willing to wait a bit longer.. and hope she starts communicating.. any other means to get her to start talking.. I have tried flowers and love talk this valentine.. and got a smile but not much more.. can there be another man in her life?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think it is possible there could be another man.

 

when she said she didn't want sex with you because she wasn't feeling it for you 'in that way' - you should ask her if she's ever felt for a man in that way. i think it's the bait and switch. she should have told you far in advance, not the day of your wedding! this way, you were pressured to marry her because all your friends and family were there, and she can argue she told you in advance. very manipulative, imho.

 

i think it's entirely possible she has another man. why did she agree to an arranged marriage? are you well off financially or live somewhere she wanted to live?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You may love her but she doesn't love you. She just used you to get what she wanted. She just wants to be taken care of. As for annulment...I don't know how one goes about proving that the marriage wasn't consummated. In this day and age anybody can lie about the marriage not being consummated if they want to avoid the expenses and headaches of divorce. I can't imagine it is that easy to get an annulment these days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's completely using you for your money and playing you for a fool. I have a gut feeling she is seeing someone else on the side, especially for the sexual aspect. I'm sorry that you have been strung along for so long this way, but your life is too short to spend one more day in a loveless relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long have you been married? and where do you live?

 

My best guess is she has another guy. Most likely she must be in love with this some other guy but was forced into an arranged marriage with you. And now she finds herself in an arrangement that she did not want and hence she is refusing to have sex with you. She sounds very selfish. She has no qualms about being wined and dined but won't put out?? I really think you should let her go and find someone else that will reciprocate your love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it is an arranged marriage, i have known cases where one of the couple is indeed in love with someone else that their parents wouldn't accept for them to marry.

 

And i know one case where the wife married because she could get a green card via her husband who was a U.S. citizen. As soon as she had the green card, she dumped the husband and brought her 'true love' over from India to marry him.

 

So this could be more complicated than it appears on the surface.

 

If you want to stay with her, i'd suggest trying to get marriage counseling to get to the bottom of her aversion to sex.

 

And if she absolutely continues to refuse, then i'd consider annulment. Look up the annulment laws in your area, but they can and do get granted if one partner refuses sex in a marriage and hence doesn't consummate it. I'm sure your own family wouldn't expect you to stay in a sexless marriage with no possibility of children, so if she doesn't come around, i'd consider the annulment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that you should immediately apply for annulment on the grounds of non-consummation. No good can come of staying with this woman and if she does agree to sex it would likely only be to avoid the annulment or maybe to have children which would further bind you to her financially.

 

She is ripping you off - emotionally and financially.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My parents, all my family and some of my friends have had arranged marriages. I havent so can't completely relate but I do understand the culture.

 

Get a divorce (or annulment if possible). I know it's a very difficult thing to wear culturally and - you sound like a good guy - so you'll feel guilt (even unfairly) - but it's worth it.

 

This isn't right. This is something she should have told you before hand (that she isn't interested in sex or any intimacy at all). AND she's not interested in talking about it.

 

So what can you do? Don't ruin your life over the cultural expectations and stigma of divorce. People WILL get over it. You'll meet someone else and your life will go on and people will forget.

 

And don't worry about this woman. She's not worrying about you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like she resents being sold like cattle (most people probably would) and is just devouring your money and resources to make the best of it.

 

Annul.

An arranged marriage is a strange concept to people who are not of that culture and therefore not used to it - but to many millions of people it is the norm and they don't view it in those terms at all, in fact they would be highly insulted and view the comment as culturally insensitive.

 

But, hypothetically speaking, if the woman were being 'sold' so is the man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...