Sick of it

[timlondon]

Hiya, I'm having a very frustrating time and am after some advice on what I should do. I should give a little background: I split up with my previous girlfriend about 3 years ago, got over it very nicely thanks to this site and 2 years ago found a really nice girl and started going out with her.

 

My girlfriend and I met at work where we are part of a research team in a hospital. I was a little nervous about working with someone I'm in a relationship with, but in fact it's been fairly easy to deal with and we haven't had many problems as a result. In fact she seems to be the kind of girl who likes her boyfriend around her a lot, and that's really part of the problem.

 

As well as working in the hospital I'm also a soldier in the TA (UK's Army Reserves) and have been since before we started going out - she apparently used to refer to me as "crazy Army guy". Unfortunately for our relationship I've been mobilised to go to Afghanistan, which means 6 months of training followed by a 6 month deployment. I could have appealed against the mobilisation, but she and I discussed it and she reluctantly said I could go.

 

As a result I mobilised towards the end of last year, and sadly since then our relationship has deteriorated. My girlfriend is not from the UK and as a result doesn't have her family and home friends around her to support, and also despite being very pleasant and charming she doesn't have that many friends in London - which of course makes her feel very isolated. My friends and family have been very welcoming to her and I am sure would love to see her, but without me there she doesn't really want to get out into any social situations.

 

Her situation is clearly really difficult for her and I feel very sympathetic and would love to support her. Unfortunately she makes that incredibly difficult for me to achieve. Her attitude is that I am a complete bastard for doing this to her - she seems to feel that I have done it deliberately to hurt her - and is abusive and sometimes violent towards me when I travel down to see her at the weekends. She has also told me, several times, that she hopes I die out in Afghanistan. Now I know people say things purely to get an effect, but to me that really is over the line because it is very possible.

 

In addition to all this, I discovered last weekend that while I've been away she has been meeting up with this guy, on their own, a couple of times each week. He's a friend of a friend of mine, they met at her birthday a few weeks back, and I guess have been meeting up regularly ever since. I shouldn't really have done it, but having heard this I looked at her phone messages and she's in constant contact with him, and they flirt and joke together all the time. I'm not sure whether anything has happened, but I'm sure in his mind (if not hers) they are gradually getting closer to hopping into the sack together. She hasn't mentioned any of this - if she had said she was meeting up with a friend I probably wouldn't have been all that concerned (depending on frequency!) but as it's all been concealed from me I'm suspicious of their motives and not really very happy. She told me it's "normal" and my fault anyway for doing this to her.

 

So this together with all the things she has said has basically pushed me to the point of telling her to get lost. Sadly I can't say that I really care that much about her at the moment. My being away for several months (with her feeling left behind), and possibly not coming back, would obviously be incredibly difficult for her, and I really appreciate the stress she's under. I would love to be able to do the "right thing" and be a loving and supportive boyfriend, but we seem to be in an impossible situation.

 

Any advice on what I could do gratefully appreciated. Apologies for length

[Sanesoul]

For one thing, she is way out of line for saying those things to you. She actually told you that she wishes you would die in Afghanistan? Get rid of her, she's selfish and mean.

 

You deserve so much more than this.

 

*This makes my blood boil, I can't even believe that someone acts this way.

[timlondon]

For one thing, she is way out of line for saying those things to you. She actually told you that she wishes you would die in Afghanistan? Get rid of her, she's selfish and mean.

 

You deserve so much more than this.

 

*This makes my blood boil, I can't even believe that someone acts this way.

 

Thank you. It's weird, I have been arguing about this so much I can't tell what I should be doing, or whether I am being the awful boyfriend she says I am.

 

You're right, she is very self-centred.

[uhohlala]

First of all, best of luck on your deployment.

 

Secondly, recognize this development as a gift: your girlfriend might be superficially nice, and dating her was surely convenient, but she sounds very controlling and insecure. She let you fulfill your obligation to deploy -- a commitment you'd made before you even knew her? It was her place to say "OK I'll stay with you if you deploy," or "Sorry I don't think I could handle it if you deployed so I think we'll need to end it." Maybe it's just how you phrased it, maybe she didn't really think that she could call the shots about whether or not you deployed? Anyway, that combined with her cling-on tendencies and her current behavior make it sound like she's not long-term relationship material. She sounds too needy and controlling. No friends of her own, dependent upon you for a social life, and correspondingly feels its within her purview to tell you what you may and may not do. And when her needs aren't being met she doesn't hesitate to seek them elsewhere. Whether or not you deployed, that attitude would not be pleasant to deal with in the long run.

 

Use her current behavior as a pretext for ending the relationship. Let her move on to a new guy while you're away, and then when you come back she'll be safely ensconced in a new relationship, and you'll be able to resume a working relationship in as much as that's needed. Kind of sounds like you've dodged a bullet here -- hope such luck holds in Afghanistan!

[uhohlala]

She has also told me, several times, that she hopes I die out in Afghanistan. Now I know people say things purely to get an effect, but to me that really is over the line because it is very possible.

 

Whoa! I missed this the first time. Add mean-spirited and petty to the list (controlling, insecure & needy).

 

Dump. Her. Now. (That's an order, soldier! )

[anggrace]

That's such a terrible thing to say to someone going in to war. I was in her shoes. It was extremely hard, but I agreed to it, as she did. I went to visit his family and made a big effort to also stay in touch with his friends, updating them on how he was etc. I had a very hard time, but I dealt. She is making no effort and she is playing the victim. Has she even stopped to think about you needing her support or that it's difficult for you too? I really don't think she's mature or selfless enough to make this work and there's only so much you can do. I think you've made the right choice. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself.

[timlondon]

Whoa! I missed this the first time. Add mean-spirited and petty to the list (controlling, insecure & needy).

 

Dump. Her. Now. (That's an order, soldier! )

 

Haha - Sir Yes Sir (or Maam?) etc

 

Thank you for your advice. Grim but I think needs to be done.

 

I dread to think what she's been saying about me at work

[timlondon]

That's such a terrible thing to say to someone going in to war. I was in her shoes. It was extremely hard, but I agreed to it, as she did. I went to visit his family and made a big effort to also stay in touch with his friends, updating them on how he was etc. I had a very hard time, but I dealt. She is making no effort and she is playing the victim. Has she even stopped to think about you needing her support or that it's difficult for you too? I really don't think she's mature or selfless enough to make this work and there's only so much you can do. I think you've made the right choice. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself.

 

Thank you. You're right, she isn't making any effort, and it's pretty sad, really.

 

Think I've come to the end of the line with this.

[uhohlala]

Haha - Sir Yes Sir (or Maam?) etc

 

That would be Ma'am!

 

I dread to think what she's been saying about me at work

 

You know the little bit that you've said here made it very clear very quickly that she's needy, insecure, and controlling -- and that she doesn't respect the sacrifice of your time and risk to your life that you're making by serving in Afghanistan. However she might feel about the war, her disrespectful attitude towards your deployment makes her look like a whining shrew. My guess is that if she's bad-mouthing you at the office your coworkers will be thinking things like:

 

"Man, I hope Tim dumps this chick soon."

 

"Wow until she opened her mouth she'd seemed like such a sweetie -- who'd have guessed she's such a vicious little thing!"

 

"I don't blame Tim for signing on for a tour in Afghanistan. I think I'd prefer Afghanistan right now myself."

 

"They should have sent her to Afghanistan."

 

You get the point.

[timlondon]

That would be Ma'am!

 

 

 

You know the little bit that you've said here made it very clear very quickly that she's needy, insecure, and controlling -- and that she doesn't respect the sacrifice of your time and risk to your life that you're making by serving in Afghanistan. However she might feel about the war, her disrespectful attitude towards your deployment makes her look like a whining shrew. My guess is that if she's bad-mouthing you at the office your coworkers will be thinking things like:

 

"Man, I hope Tim dumps this chick soon."

 

"Wow until she opened her mouth she'd seemed like such a sweetie -- who'd have guessed she's such a vicious little thing!"

 

"I don't blame Tim for signing on for a tour in Afghanistan. I think I'd prefer Afghanistan right now myself."

 

"They should have sent her to Afghanistan."

 

You get the point.

 

Haha I hope so... though I suspect those nurses will stick together!

 

Thanks

[uhohlala]

Haha I hope so... though I suspect those nurses will stick together!

 

Thanks

 

You're welcome! And you know, if you break up with her she'll complain about you for a little while. But only until she hooks up with someone new ... won't be long since she doesn't seem the type who can manage on her own. And then she can dish about the new guy and you, happily, will be a distant memory.

 

You might try to put the break up as something you're doing primarily for her sake, how it's unfair for her to be all alone while you're away ... she clearly thinks it's all about her, so if you cast it that way you'll probably reduce animosity. As awful as her behavior has been it might be worth it to be strategically diplomatic since eventually you'll be working with her again.