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Is this acceptable or am I right to want more?


matt_t586

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Here is a background to my story

 

 

 

Im currently on NC day 8!

 

However I can't help thinking I deserve more than what I got as an explanation!

 

All that Im definate on as its all she has told me is this:

 

1. She had been having feelings of wanting to be alone! So thats what she has now chose!

 

Expecting a list was you? Well thats it!!!!!

 

Where do I stand!? I have no idea what's caused this! I do know things that I have been doing wrong and im working on them but as far as I know she has left for that 1 sole reason!! I deserve more of an explanation!

 

When trying to get more before I went NC all I got was she has said everything she has to say! Not much then!!!

 

Please help!

 

Im thinking of ringing her mum tonight to see if she knows any more than me! I know my ex (hate to call her that! will be out between 7 and 7.30pm.

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Sometimes people fall out love, and there's not really a long list of why's.

 

Don't break NC, even to get in contact with her family. It will not help anything. The chances are if she didn't know or want to talk about the reasons, no one else is going to discuss it with you and you'll likely hear something that will make you feel worse.

 

I know it's frustrating feeling like you need to know WHY. But what you do know is, she left. If she wanted to be with you or wanted you to change, she would be more open to talking about it. She isn't.

 

Don't break NC. You're doing very well so far - don't talk yourself into thinking you could possibly get anything good out of pursuing this.

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While it would be considerate of her to give you an explanation, she does not owe you one. And she might not even herself know why things came to this. Breakups are seldom based on logic, but on emotions.

 

Please, save yourself form the embarrassment of calling her mother to ask what went wrong.

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Matt, same boat..5 years together..she said the exact same things..that she wanted to be alone...somethings missing....I don't know how old she is...but maybe she's having a mid-life crisis..wants to see what else is out there..hardest of all to face is...she probably lost attraction for you..maybe you didn't challenge her...I know you said you took her for granted a little...I'd say do not not not talk to her mum..this will be seen as intrusive and push her away further. Second hardest of all is my advice to ignore her for a few months...NC all the way..sorry for your pain...Bung

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Just to let you know she is 22 and im 23, Thanks for your comments! Its hard because she said she loved me just before the split and I knew she was having problems with these feelings and she was trying things to get rid of them! And then just this with no explanation!!

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That's tough after 5 years together. Especially if there were no warning signs. I for one would be feeling very confused and bewildered.

 

However whether there is more to it or not, that is all she has chosen to tell you. For the time being it's something you just have to live with.

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Sounds like just a typical flighty woman, just ignore her and move on, really. Also it's impossible to "fall out of love", and she left probably because of her own immaturity or yours.

 

I appreciate that you're trying to help but this is completely false.

 

Falling out of love is possible. People change and situations change, especially in long-term relationships, and the person you fall in love with is not always the person you wake up next to five years later. It is entirely possible to fall out of love with someone - it is not fair to victimise the dumper simply because she was the one to end the relationship. There is nothing immature about admitting that you are no longer happy, even if it causes you and your partner a lot of pain.

 

Matt, I'm sorry this isn't easy. But I hope you don't fall into the trap of feeling bitter and blaming it on her being 'flighty'. You know what sort of person she was - breaking up with you does not make her a bad person, it just means you weren't right for each other in the end. It's difficult to get through this stage when you're not the person who decided that's the way it is, but one day you will probably look back at this and realise it was for the best.

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Im taking in what your saying, its just we have been through alot together and known each other all this time, I don't know how she could just act like I dont exist when a few days before the split she was telling me she loved me! And we made love!!!!!

 

If it really is it then I think she should tell me to my face exactly what she feels and why she has chosen this!

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If it really is it then I think she should tell me to my face exactly what she feels and why she has chosen this!

 

A lot of people who have been dumped typically share this sentiment with you, so be aware this is very normal.

 

But, she's already told you what she feels. She's said she's not in love anymore, and she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. The rest is really all dressing around the edges - do you need to hear that you were always late, or you stayed out with the guys too often, or she didn't find you attractive anymore? From what I've seen, hearing the specifics doesn't really help - it doesn't change the final message or the outcome of all of this, which is that you're no longer together.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship and even now, I could not pin why I did it on any one thing. I loved him very much, but our circumstances changed, several things happened to us and eventually I realised I just didn't feel the same anymore. It's an unsatisfying feeling because you can't justify it like you could if your partner cheated or hit you - it's just a vague feeling of 'this isn't what I want anymore'.

 

You will get past this stage, so try not to drive yourself crazy wondering. Like I said, the only really important detail right now is that it's over - you need to focus on putting your life back together, not lingering on 'why?'

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I was the dumper in my last relationship and even now, I could not pin why I did it on any one thing. I loved him very much, but our circumstances changed, several things happened to us and eventually I realised I just didn't feel the same anymore. It's an unsatisfying feeling because you can't justify it like you could if your partner cheated or hit you - it's just a vague feeling of 'this isn't what I want anymore'.

 

uuuuugh thankyou for saying that, it has been the core thing I've been thinking about for weeks now.

 

I ended a relationship a few weeks ago for similar reasons. Lots of little things that I could not quite pin down. No violence, no cheating, no idiotic behaviour, no unnacceptable things, no hurtful screaming matches....I have had many a freak out recently over why I did it, and why I could not just be satisfied with the relationship that was pretty good. We did love each other, a part of me is still totally fixed on him and it would break me down to see him or talk to him at the moment. But I also KNOW I wasn't fully happy in the relationship as well. There were great parts, but there were also things that were difficult - things that made me cringe inside or disagree with that he said and did. And I guess we just didn't gel. And that hurts even now to type it, as I so wanted it to work. But sometimes it just doesn't. And it is flogging a dead horse to drag it out longer than it needs to.

 

And to bring this back to the OP, for the record Matt, i'm 22 and the guy i ended with was 23, we had been together a number of years also.

 

He told me he loved me the night before I decided to end it, and I returned it. I would bet alot that your ex has tried to make things work for many months leading up to this. It will not be a decision that she has come to overnight, even though it may seem that way.

 

 

For me, I had been having doubtful thoughts for a while, niggling worries that this was not a strong relationhip, insecuritites that I couldnt be myself around the person, sadness and slow acceptance that whatever I did would not change who he is. On top of that I also loved him deeply and the thought of leaving him made me feel sick. The thought of being alone made me feel like life wasnt worth living anymore.

 

But then one night it just clicked. I had been feeling more and more uncomfortable around him when we spent time together. I started feeling anxious and awkward in social situations with him. I was crying all the time. I was not the girl I was when I met him. We had a talk about things that were not right in the relationship the night before. We even had sex. I loved the physical connection we had, and all of the good things, right up until the end. I was in tears in the morning, and pretty much all day the next day whilst at work and all the way home as I accepted what I had to do, and I finally ended it that night. Though in my heart I loved him and the connection we'd built up, my gut just KNEW this was over now. I couldn't keep on at something that was going against all my gut feelings. A relationship shouldnt feel so hard. It shouldnt be something that you have to claw onto to keep. Part of me just knew it was the end, as I realised that I would be lying to myself and him if I were to go one more day with him as my boyfriend. I finally got the courage.

 

I am struggling whether to give the specifics of the breakup to him. I fully appreciate that the explanation I gave him was wishy washy.

But would nailing down the specifics really change all that much other than to hurt him by telling him that things he cant change about himself? Like his basic personality? Or his parents? Or his interests and values? Do you get what I'm saying....its like, I don't want to mess up his future or knock his confidence by telling him that these unchangeable things are wrong with him. Because they are not - they are just wrong for me.

 

As in my relationship, we are all so young. I hope that one day you can look back on this and appreciate that she set you free whilst you still have a massive amount of life options and opportunities.

Would you have wanted to wake up at 30 in a loveless relationship, having invested even more time/money/maybe even kids/houses together etc?

 

I'm sorry for how much you hurt, and for how cruel it seems when situations like this happen. It really does suck.

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Ding - reading what you wrote made me feel pretty sad. You basically described exactly how I was feeling 18 months ago.

 

There is often a lot of victimisation of dumpers on advice forums because we're the bad guys who dumped the poor dumpee, but we know it's not as easy as that. I really feel for you - I know exactly what you are going through and it's terrible.

 

The thing I asked myself whenever I doubted was - if I could get a taxi right now, find him and ask him to take me back, would I? And the answer was always no. It's hard to give up someone that you loved a lot for so long, but you know you did the right thing.

 

Matt, I hope mine and Ding's posts have given you a little more perspective and some peace about trying to find answers - sometimes there just aren't any. It's better to work on accepting what has happened than constantly picking at it.

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Thankyou for understanding. I finally feel like there is someone who does. I have a massive lump in my throat as I'm writing this. Its all so hard.

I agree, the issue is never as cut and dry as dumper/dumpee - bad/good etc. It is a horrible thing to realise that you are not happy and have to get out of something. It is just as hard on the one who ends things. I see a long road ahead of me, but it is the right one to be on. And one day I will be happy again.

 

I would not get in a taxi and take him back. What a brilliant thing to ask myself, I will remember that. In fact, I will print out the entirity of this exchange and read it whenever I am doubtful or upset. Thankyou.

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I understand what your saying but I wouldn't just decide to end a relationship like that, I would of talked to her about it! Maybe its a female thing! You are a strange breed lol!

 

It's not just girls but I understand it can be confusing if that's not how you'd do it.

 

Like Ding said, it was almost certainly something she spent a lot of time thinking about and trying to work out by herself. Perhaps she felt that talking to you about it wouldn't really change anything because it wasn't something you had done, it was just that her feelings had changed.

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I understand what your saying but I wouldn't just decide to end a relationship like that, I would of talked to her about it! Maybe its a female thing! You are a strange breed lol!

 

If you ask women, you will find that a lot of them has experienced BF's suddenly leaving a relationship on a similar endnote.

 

Part of the reason is, that people are not necessarily aware why the feelings dissapeared - they just realize that this has happened.

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I just think out of respect she should talk to me more about it! I obviously don't mean much to her anymore!!

 

Now, don't think like that. I keep seeing this with other posters - the assumption that because the dumper hasn't been in touch, they're over the dumpee and didn't really care at all.

 

It's rubbish. The chances are that she is in a degree of pain as well. You are in NC - perhaps she has also come to the conclusion that this will be better for both of you too.

 

You say she should talk to you out of respect, but from her point of view you should respect the fact that she doesn't want or simply can't give you a clear list of reasons why you broke up. It will just hurt both of you to pick at this over and over.

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Ding and HouseKitten, you have really hit some good points (but that hurt).

 

6.5 months ago my long term g/f ended our relationship after I had been contracting out of state for 2 months. we were really in love with each other before I left, but there were definitely issues with the relationship. i had a lot going on in my life that i needed to work on and jsut couldn't seem to do it before she left me. my ex said to me again and again that she left me because we needed to work on ourselves or this and that. that it just wasn't working for her anymore but she still loved me. i could see it in her eyes, she did still love me. since the breakup i was nearly sure that she had emotionally cheated on me and has since started a relationship with the person she left me for.

 

that has hurt a great deal because she never had the decency to tell me. i feel like it would have saved me recovery time. i asked her not to contact me anymore but she continued sending a small txt every couple wks. i even met with her, and she told me there was no one else. i have solid proof now, but thats not what matters anymore. i am still trying to accept the fact that I was not right for her; otherwise, no other person would have been MORE right. its hard, because i felt that she really completed me. that together we were perfect...happy. everday since has been a struggle in finding reasons to go on in so much pain.

 

i've had trouble accepting the reasons she left me. often i've put blame on her character for leaving me for someone else and lying about it. the bottom line though, is that she was thinking about this for a lot longer than the day she broke my heart. the guy she left me for was just an easier way out or a better match. at the end of the day i have to accept that she felt uncomfortable in our relationship or something was just missing. that her gut told her to move on. i wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be there.

 

its been nearly 7 months and i even want to move on, but feel i am still in the middle of a long journey. i think the hardest part is knowing that what the two of you had is gone forever. there is no replacement. there are no more chances. all the dreams the two of you had no longer exist. in my case i even had my ex txt me saying she was doing the things we dreamed about doing togehter to only later find out my replacement was doing them with her. i am still confused why she did that. i think it might be hard for her to completely let me go. being left for somone else, i feel so alone and my ex has a new snuggle partner or rose giver. i felt abandoned. that if the person i loved aand trusted most could do this to me??? than how do i trust anyone??? i almost feel forsaken sometimes.

 

but i feel like accepting that it just was not right for her is a huge step. it helps you accept that your relationship has no future or hope. it helps you accept that its over.

 

now, i just have to practice what i preach.

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