Second guessing yourself and your own judgement

[marshmlofluff]

Uncomfynumb, we are both on edge and upset. I hear you. I am Indian-American and conservative about sex; raised in a society where you are supposed to wait until marriage to do just about anything. So being physical means something deep to me. I felt the same sense of betrayal and bitterness and resentment after the failure of my first relationship--and I simply couldn't wrap my mind around this--how could he go on using me, letting me get attached to him, for years if he knew he didn't want to commit to me?

 

I still do not know the answer to that question. In the years since, I guess I have just learned to grit my teeth and accepted that it happens sometimes. That people (especially men) can be like that...they can separate the physical and emotional aspects of a relationship. As the poem says, "Kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises" and after a while you learn that.

 

Not that it hurts any less. Not that I haven't cried floods of tears. But these days I forgive myself and the ex a little easier.

 

I have a grudging respect for my present ex. He told me straight "I know I don't want to marry you so I am going to break things off over the phone, because I thought if I came over and visited in person there would be sexual contact. And now that I have decided I don't want to marry you that isn't right. I know I am being an ******* but on the scale of *******s I want to be as nice an ******* as possible." Sadly, his restraint just makes me love him more. I wish I could meet a guy like that who actually wanted to be with me.

 

Anyway I don't even know what I am saying...I feel like I am rambling. I guess my main point is that I feel your tremendous pain and anger and resentment, and I share it. The sickest part of it all is that some part of my brain can't stop hoping that one day he will come back. [Maybe there is something to be said for lobotomy. ]

 

But (like you, I think) I have been before where both you and I are now. And based on my previous experiences, I am confident that one day the hurt and resentment and bitterness will be gone, and that you and I will both make it through.

 

Hugs.

[uncomfynumb]

marshmlofluff,

 

Thanks for your post. I wish my ex had told me that he would never marry me or never love me. I think it might make it easier to get over. He told me that he might be able to one day give me want I want. Now I'm left wondering if he was sincere or if it was a way to keep me hanging on or to make me feel better.

 

Your ex was honest at least in the end. I too can really respect that. I know there are some differences between men and women when it comes to sex and emotion and I am trying to understand it better. Human nature, not always perfect is what it is. :sad:

[marshmlofluff]

marshmlofluff,

 

Thanks for your post. I wish my ex had told me that he would never marry me or never love me. I think it might make it easier to get over. He told me that he might be able to one day give me want I want. Now I'm left wondering if he was sincere or if it was a way to keep me hanging on or to make me feel better.

 

Your ex was honest at least in the end. I too can really respect that. I know there are some differences between men and women when it comes to sex and emotion and I am trying to understand it better. Human nature, not always perfect is what it is.

 

*nod* It's hard to know what to do. If you don't make yourself vulnerable you can't have a relationship; if you do there is the chance that he leaves, and when he is gone you feel used and violated. Even if he says he wants to get married, he can leave. My last two ex'es pushed me to be more sexual with them than I was comfortable with--and that annoys me, because they knew it meant something to me. And they were both the ones who were uncertain; they were the ones to break it off.

 

Men are just...different; it seems like sex doesn't mean as much to them. That part I always understood. But the part I never really got was this--even if they know it means something to you, it's like there is some biological switch that goes off in their brain that can make even the nicest guys not care. Among the expensive life lessons I have learned is that even the nicest man can pressure you for sex, and he can enjoy it tremendously--even if he is uncertain about the relationship; even if he plans on leaving you the next day.

 

Again, my fella was (as far as dumpers go) a gentleman. He asked me, while dumping, "given that things didn't work out, do you regret our sexual interaction?"

 

I said "yes." Not what he wanted to hear.

 

He must have been a little hurt. He said "why?"

 

I choked out "I wouldn't have done it except I thought we were more serious than we were."

 

He said "I also thought we were more serious than we were."

 

It was pointless to argue that he should have known himself. So I said "I would have wanted to wait for someone who loved me."

 

He said "I believe I did talk about love, once."

 

I said "but now thinking back, you stopped--a long time ago."

 

He didn't have an answer to that one.

 

He said "I just want you to know that I don't regret it. I consider it a gift that you gave me. I enjoyed hugging you and kissing you...(and he trailed off, being respectful) and I want you to know it meant something to me."

 

I wanted to tell him "Of course you don't regret it; you were the one who pushed for it, and you were the one to leave." But I was upset and this was a lost cause...why bother arguing when he was leaving me anyway? You fight because you hope to change a relationship, or to save it--and he had unilaterally decided and given me no room to do either.

 

On some level it just makes me feel worse that he cared about my feelings when dumping me, and that he left me with as much dignity as a dumper can (and that I have maintained strict NC has helped also...as humiliated and heartbroken as I am, I at least feel I have some dignity intact). I always said to myself that a test of character is how you treat people when they no longer matter. He dumped me with kindness, and stayed on the phone with me an hour or two even after I told him I didn't see us being friends. He wasn't perfect...he had more issues than the front page of the New York Times. But I lost a good and decent fella. I guess that's what hurts.

 

Hugs again. We'll get through this.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok, I am laughing now. That was cute and funny. My apologies to you. I have been on edge as of late.

 

I understand and no worries. My apologies also.

[uncomfynumb]

My next relationship, I am going to get more of a committment first before I give myself sexually. We can be mad at them all day for being able to have sex without attachment but it won't change the fact that we did have a choice in the matter and we let them.

 

Anyhoo, today I am going to stop being angry and I am going to stop feeling guilty. I've beat us both up alot lately and if I think about it, surely I can find better things to do than that!

 

I thought about writing him a letter and saving that I forgive him and I think I understand things better and to wish him the best. Then I thought that maybe I should be his friend and not shut him out. And since I can't make up my mind what the best thing to do is, I am going to do nothing. Ok, I am going to do something... I am going to get my hair and nails done, and get a massage and go shopping!

 

 

[marshmlofluff]

My next relationship, I am going to get more of a committment first. We can be mad at them all day for being able to have sex without attachment but it won't change the fact that we did have a choice in the matter and we let them.

 

Actually I didn't. We had plenty of sexual contact, but I drew a line and told him I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. He was talking about what color our kids' eyes would be and I still didn't budge.

 

But I do believe in compromise, and without getting into details, I kept him really happy and satisfied, and it bonded me to him anyway. I would not have done that had I known he was so un-invested that he could disappear in a day.

 

The thing is, hindsight is 20/20. I made the best decisions I could given the information I had. Given the same information again, I'm not sure I would have chosen differently.

 

I'm not angry with him; I knew going in (and I know better now) how men are--never to confuse sex or sexual contact with love, or think that it means anything to them. And yes, it was a choice. I took a calculated risk and I was intimate with him in order to build the relationship. It was a bad investment--but such is the nature of risk. You can't see ahead of time how things are going to turn out.

 

Anyhoo, today I am going to stop being angry and I am going to stop feeling guilty. I've beat him and I both up lately and if I think about it, I can find better things to do than that.

 

I thought about writing him a letter and saving that I forgive him and I think I understand things better and wishing him the best. Then I thought that maybe I should be his friend and not shut him out. And since I can't make up my mind what the best thing to do it, I am going to do nothing. Ok, I am going to do something... I am going to get my hair and nails done, and get a massage and go shopping!

 

 

 

What on Earth do you have to feel guilty about? You loved someone and you trusted him, and you gave him your all. You let him in, physically and emotionally both. It was a risk, and the risk was this--regret. But you are coping with it quite admirably, and soon you will be over it. And it was a learning experience.

 

And isn't that what a relationship is made of? The courage to make yourself vulnerable? You have that courage, and it sounds like he doesn't. Seems to me you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You ought to be proud that you were able to love someone wholeheartedly.

 

I don't know what the right answer is about being his friend...personally I wouldn't (and don't) want to befriend my ex--I miss him, but the thought of being friends with someone who rejected me makes me angry, and I am a proud person so the scales go back and forth and then the second always wins. There aren't really time scales on friendship though. This is one area where you can procrastinate as much as you want--if you have doubts, you can always decide tomorrow.

[uncomfynumb]

Marsh,

 

I was a total hooker, I gave into the sex pretty quickly. Not that I don't have values but I knew him a while first. I knew him 8 months before we got down to the monkey business...

 

I guess I feel guilty for rejecting his friendship, and for the last email I sent. I don't really regret it in the sense that I feel needed to say it and he needed to hear it but I just feel sad that I feel that way.

 

I know that probably doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense.

 

I'm pretty optimistic. I've had a hard life; some of it has been my fault and a lot of weird cirumstantial stuff. One of the reasons for my username is that a bit part of me feels numb about the whole thing. I haven't really cried over the loss of the relationship like I think that I should, like I thought that I would.

[marshmlofluff]

Hon how are you a hooker...eight months in relationship-world is a long time. These days they write books saying "don't sleep with him till *gasp* the third date."

 

You loved the man; you wanted to be close to him. You hoped for a long-term relationship; you let him in. That isn't trashy. It's loving, and beautiful. You took a risk, knowing the risk, and through no fault of yours, it didn't work. That's all.

 

Even if you had ended the relationship, there would be nothing to feel guilty about--and you didn't even end the relationship--you tried your best. It sounds like you have all the courage and the skill you need to make a lasting relationship. Now when you do all of it again with the right guy, he will love you for it, and won't leave.

 

If your best girlfriend came to you and told you the story you are telling now, that she loved a guy, that in good faith she slept with him, and then they broke up, would you call her a hooker, or think of her as such? Treat yourself with as much compassion as you would treat someone else.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing.

 

Did he owe it to you to stay in a relationship? Inside, you know he didn't. So apply the same standard to yourself--you do not owe anyone your friendship, least of all someone who dumped you.

 

And as to your e-mail, your feelings were hurt and you expressed it, that's all. Don't beat yourself up for feeling hurt. Hurt, resentment, hope, despair, etc. these are natural feelings post-breakup, and they have to run their course. Ride the wave; don't fight it. You sent an e-mail; you didn't torch his house or something. I'd say he got off pretty easy. Forgive yourself.

 

Let yourself cry if you need to. I also haven't cried much; I don't know why. It's like some animal instinct--after being hurt I've been in some state of anxiety, watching for more danger, and I can't relax and let my guard down enough to cry.

 

*nod* I've had a hard life also.

[uncomfynumb]

I was being a little factious and playfuy when I called myself a hooker. But the relationship was very casual at that point. We had just started dating a week before but I had known him much longer.

 

I'm feeling pretty good today!

[marshmlofluff]

Go you! I just got back from the gym. Now *that* is pain I like.

 

Wishing us both a good day, and many more.

 

-MMFluff

[Nailpolish]

Gym is also a great way to feel good about yourself... I had a good run tonight as well! But ok time for bed now it is 22h50 here. Glad you feeling better today! Strength to you.

[uncomfynumb]

Today after much thought i sent another email. I didn't feel 100% right leaving things as I did. I feel better than I did. This is the end for me, I must let go of everything and move on.

[Nailpolish]

uncomfynumb , how are you doing? I hope that your have made some peace with the situation and feeling alot better now.

[uncomfynumb]

I'm doing great! Thanks for asking!

 

After the last email that I sent, I felt a lot better. And it is two weeks today of strict NC!

 

This weekend would have been our one year anniversary, on 3/6. Being that I have already made my peace, I think I will celebrate life and love with my friends!

 

Everyday is a reason to be thankful and celebrate. I'm thankful that my ex did the right thing and cut me loose rather than string me along. When I fall in love again, and I will, it will be better than it has ever been!