Second guessing yourself and your own judgement

[uncomfynumb]

I'm sure I am not the only one and maybe it has something to do with Valentine's Day coming and going and not getting a call or anything but lately I've been second guessing my decision of going NC. He wanted to say friends. And I suppose I question the sincerity of that gesture as well.

 

I think what is the hardest for me is thinking that my ex is a serious asshat and that I fell for that. Or that I, as together as I like to think of myself as being, could fall for someone that had committment issues. I thought at my age I was smart enough to read and avoid those red and yellow flags. So part of me wants to confirm that perhaps I was wrong, that the guy I fell for was sincere after all and had very legitimate reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship. That perhaps he was just scared of getting close to someone again.

 

He seemed a little uncertain when he broke up with me and we had been fussing the night before. It was like it came from no where. It had only been a few weeks before that we talked about taking things very slowly.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to put this out there. I am sticking to NC for now until I can come up with a very good reason not to. So far I have. My ex is an asshat that doesn't deserve me.

 

Its been a while since I have been in this situation but I am sure the second guessing is normal.

[I_Speak_Jive]

I have a different point of view, which may help you see things from another perspective and perhaps even give you some clarity.

 

From your previous threads it seems that he broke up with you during a period of great stress in his life, because he couldn't give you what you needed. Which by your own admission, he couldn't --you already broke up with him once during a similar time because stress makes him withdrawn and you don't like that. So instead of dragging you both down in a vortex of recrimination and bitterness, he realised he couldn't give you want you wanted anymore, and he ended it.

 

It doesn't sound asshatty to me, rather the opposite --it sounds mature, responsible and respectful. To me, anyway.

 

A few days ago I faced a similar situation with my partner. Right now I am dealing with plenty of stuff on my own (school, work, money, third-life crisis...) and he started making snappy remarks about how I was not "on" enough for him. I told him very respectfully that I am not required to be constantly "on" for him when life gets in the way -I can guarantee respect, fun times and the like, but I very much reserve my own right to be sad, thoughtful, quiet or withdrawn at times if that's what I need. We are humans, both of us --not actors whose livelyhood depends on constant performance.

 

I also told him that if he really needed me to be on top cheerful happy-clappy performance constantly, without allowing for the normal ebbs and flows of modern existence, we should not be together, period. I think he got the message. If he hadn't, that would have been the end of us, pure and simple. I care about him a great deal, believe me. But yeah.

 

As for your ex-bf's commitment issues... The fact of the matter is that commitment is not something that people owe you. It's a choice that they make, and if they make it and you accept it, great. If not, it sucks -but there is no reason for bitterness, anger or name-calling.

[uncomfynumb]

I know that committment is not something that is owed to me however I am still irked at the way that he handled things. The biggest problem that I have is that there were so many opportunities for him to tell me if his heart was not in it but he let it go on and on. You just don't wake up one day and decide that you want to end a relationship; its not like deciding to have oatmeal or cold cereal for breakfast. Not to say that no one has that right but it seems like that is just what he did. And if he knew that this was the direction that we were heading, why be so sexual a couple of days before? Why pretend that nothing was going on at all up until that point?

 

Bottom line is I feel unneccesarily used. He knew how much I cared and he should not have started something that he had no intention of finishing. We also had an agreement that we would talk about issues with each other so that we would not have a repeat of our previous breakup. If you have no intention of keeping your word, please don't pretend like you do.

 

I apologized for the name calling. I'm not a perfect person and sometimes certain things really tick me off. I had told him not to contact me he changed his mind but he did anyway, only to defend himself. That was rather selfish.

 

I'm not sure why I get so angry when I talk about this but I do. I do however appreciate your insight from a male perspective. I really don't know what to think anymore. I thought I knew this guy but now I am not so sure. Regardless he did hurt me. He wanted to remain friends and didn't have to tell me what he did, that he couldn't give me what I wanted right now but maybe later. It screwed with my head.

[minou]

Sometimes it just reaches a tipping point. Maybe he really didn't know 2 days before. I think people have the right to explain themselves. Break ups can be messy and I think one should make room for a little self-expression, unless there has been an abusive situation. If you are second guessing yourself, maybe there's some truth to it. It just doesn't feel like it was all his fault, like he's an asshat. Because there were differences of tempo or feelings changed as the interaction continued, that doesn't mean someone is an asshat. If that's what you really think of him, why would you want to be friends? I wonder if deep down you know he's a better person than part of yourself is depicting him as, out of hurt, anger and self-protection.

[marshmlofluff]

Uncomfynumb, I am going through the same; I guess you have read my story. My ex was not a bad guy, but he had serious issues including commitment issues. I am self-flagellating that I did not see all the red flags; this has happened to me before (and that is why it hurts even more this time).

 

When my guy dumped me, he asked over and over again if he could keep calling as a friend. He asked at least three times. Each time I asked him (very kindly) not to call again unless he changed his mind. I know it hurt him and I am sorry for that. I sometimes question whether by going strict NC and phrasing it like an ultimatum, I blew even any small chance at reconciliation.

 

I also was half-hoping for a phone call on Valentine's Day, and of course none came. I won't call him, although I believe that--although he doesn't want to be with me--he probably misses his best friend terribly, would be very grateful for a phone, and furthermore is probably feeling very guilty and very worried about me.

 

But I won't call; not now and maybe not ever. I made a promise to myself that I would go NC and I will keep that promise for the foreseeable future. It seemed the right thing to do in the moment, and gut feelings are usually right.

 

The way I see it, if you just want to try and be his friend, you have the rest of your mutual lives. There isn't any reason you have to do it right now when you are still hurting.

 

And turn the situation around. Suppose you had dumped someone, and he had asked you not to call unless you changed your mind. Suppose you changed your mind and realized the person was the love of your life. Wouldn't you move heaven and earth to bring the person back? No matter whether you were NC, wouldn't you think it was worth at least a text or an e-mail or a phone? Even if they took your head off?

 

I would.

[Ms Darcy]

I have read this more than half a dozen times and I'll tell you, it makes me cringe. I agree with minou and erstaz in that it seems like this guy had good intentions, but he realized that he couldn't make it work. And I don't blame him.

 

You say that he shuts down when he's stressed. Yet, you say he whined the Friday before the break up about an old injury. Perhaps he did communicate with you but was met with sighs and frustration. I have learned that 'let's take it slow' and 'I need space' are code words for 'you are requiring too much from me right now.' It sounds like he thought it was too much.

 

When you told him to call you by Monday or delete your number. that was extremely aggressive. If anyone is having doubt about breaking up, there is a good indication that they don't want to hear a threat. I can't help but wonder if you don't have a history of out of control anger. Had it been an issue before?

[Nailpolish]

I too think you are being a little aggressive in deleting his number and NC etc... A break up in my opinion never comes out of the blue - we just don't take note of the signs and there are always signs. Did you break up the first time because of committment issues? or was it something else? By your reaction to him I can see that you are angry however we also need to understand that sometime things happen for a reason and what must be - must be. If he can't committ then you need to understand and move on. Try to let go of your anger as that is preventing you from letting go (if that is what you really want). When he says he wants to stay friends I don't think he means Best Friends ...maybe part on good terms and see how things go from there. I am sure he loves you as you still love him as well but it is better for the soul to part on good terms.

[uncomfynumb]

I'm trying to see his side but it is hard. I'm a really soft hearted person, sometimes to my own demise and now at my age, I quite frankly am getting tired of it. I used to always look for the good in everyone and think that with time and with love they would come around. In fact I was enabler and a patient one at that. Bottom line is that people are inherently selfish, yes me included, and most don't think of themselves before they think of others.

 

I let go of a friend that I have had for 25 years just recently. The relationship was toxic and unhealthy. I'm not doing it anymore, not for anyone...

 

As for the guy, there is more history that makes me feel the way that I feel. I'm not so much angry unless I start thinking about it. And I don't agree with he just decided that morning and that is ok or fair. My biggest beef is the total lack of communication. Talk to me for goodness sake! We talked about this indepth after we reconciled. He can't open up to me. Its not me, it is him or so he says. The break up had nothing to do with me according to him, it was all him and his stress.

 

He and I are both alot alike in the way that we are both very hardheaded, stubborn people when we want to be. We both like to be right and are a little self righteous. But maybe we weren't really compatible after all? Maybe it was a personality conflict. All I know is that I was would have done anything he asked and I helped him alot and sacrificed alot for him and in the end, he just tossed it all away like it meant nothing...

 

This is my last email to him sent 2/4.

 

I'm not expecting a reply, but I want to be heard and understood. You just don't seem to understand. You can't put your hands all over a woman and use her for sex less than a week prior to your getting a "conscious" (or whatever you want to call it) and calling it off. How would you expect her to feel? Perhaps she might feel that you have known all along that you did not want the relationship but kept her around for convenience? To use her when you needed her?

 

You had so many opportunities to make things clear to me about your intentions and you never did. Even after we had broken up last year and I was trying to be just your friend, who was it that invited me to their bed? I could list so many other things and circumstances where you might have spoken up and set the record straight. But you didn't. I guess I will never understand why or how someone could be so careless with the heart of another. You would think that you above all would understand having been suddenly dumped for no real good reason. You would think that you would be so much more cautious but you weren't.

 

As for those specific times that I didn't do anything for you, I've probably done more for you than any other woman has ever done for you expecting just sincerity and honesty in return. But I think that you simply did not want to be satisfied. I tried to remind you to have faith, to lighten up, and to tell you that it would all work out. I took stuff off of your plate and put it on mine. How can I help anyone when I have tried in every way possible and they still won't tell me what it is that they need? I will admit that there were times where I got a little tired of giving and felt used. Now I know why I had those feelings...

 

You know, I could write or talk til I am blue in the face but I don't think you will ever "get it." But I do know this, you may not think that I am worth it but there is a man out there that will. And I will know that when he kisses me and touches me and tells me that he wants more than just sex, it will be the truth and not just empty words that really mean nothing at all.

 

Right or wrong, this is exactly how I feel.

[uncomfynumb]

Nailpolish,

 

We broke up before over communication issues.

 

But I do believe this that you wrote: "but it is better for the soul to part on good terms."

 

And I think that is why I feel bad and am second guessing myself.

 

"The way I see it, if you just want to try and be his friend, you have the rest of your mutual lives. There isn't any reason you have to do it right now when you are still hurting."

 

I like this as well. But I am not sure that I want to be his friend. Part of me feels wrong about that. I think my ex has committment issues beyond what he is willing to admit, even to himself. Whatever, that is his problem. Don't go starting relationships with people that you know that you can't finish. Stay single and work on your problem instead of selfishly dragging someone else into it. (sorry, ranting again...) ](*,)

 

Thanks everyone for posting and trying to help me put this into perspective. My heart goes out to all of your that are in this situation, the dumpers and the dumpees.

[Nailpolish]

I can see how much he has hurt you in your email and it is good to get it off your chest. If he has used you for sex (as per your email) he should have stood up and be a man and be honest. He sounds like he was confused and going through his own things as well. You can't help someone that does not want to be helped and is not ready to make a change. Maybe you two were at different points in the relationship. Yes, talking about it would have helped however someone who is scared of committment like you said is not going to talk about things easily to could take a very long time for him or her to open themselves up completely. Also one can push them back into their shell if they feel pressured at all to talk about feelings or where things are going. This could have been the case here. I really doubt that it was just the sex - I do think he needs to sort himselve out first and unfortunately you got hurt in the process How long have you been together? p.s you will find that man that will treat you well.

[uncomfynumb]

Nailpolish,

 

Prior to me, there was another woman that apparently turned into a stalker. He called her "psycho" and the whole thing always bothered me and he never wanted to talk about it much. Anyhoo, after wwe broke up and got back together, I told him (while talking in general) that women tend get emotionally attached to the men they have sex with and it can be hard for a woman to determine if they man is right for her after all because of the feelings of attachment, she might stay in the relationship when it is not that good of a match for her. Of course my ex is old enough to know better but I was eluding to the fact that he should be careful who he sleeps with as it is not always in everyone's best interest. And I think what happened with the psycho ex was just that; she got attached to him and didn't understand the mixed messages that she more than likely got from him. I got a lot of them myself. Of course that gives her no right to stalk him but that is beside the point.

 

He never told me he loved me. I don't have an issue with that. But there were other things, his actions. Even the night before he reached for an held my hand. Nothing at all was wrong that evening until we went to bed...

 

In all honesty, things had not been going well. Last summer was perfect; we got along perfectly and beautifully. His friends commented that I was perfect for him and his sister thanked me for making him so happy. I think he bit off more than he could chew with me and building a home and got himself in a little deeper than he wanted financially. But in my mind, he knew what was coming. Why start something that you can't finish? It was a selfish act on his part.

 

I do feel bad for all that happened. Part of me feels like I lost something that could have been really special. I must have read to much into my own emotion. There was nothing there.

 

I am going to continue moving on and stick with NC. I met him in 7/08 and our anniversary would have been 3/6 this year.

[Ms Darcy]

I know that committment is not something that is owed to me however I am still irked at the way that he handled things. The biggest problem that I have is that there were so many opportunities for him to tell me if his heart was not in it but he let it go on and on. You just don't wake up one day and decide that you want to end a relationship; its not like deciding to have oatmeal or cold cereal for breakfast. Not to say that no one has that right but it seems like that is just what he did. And if he knew that this was the direction that we were heading, why be so sexual a couple of days before? Why pretend that nothing was going on at all up until that point?

 

And I don't agree with he just decided that morning and that is ok or fair. My biggest beef is the total lack of communication. Talk to me for goodness sake! We talked about this indepth after we reconciled. He can't open up to me. Its not me, it is him or so he says. The break up had nothing to do with me according to him, it was all him and his stress.

 

He and I are both alot alike in the way that we are both very hardheaded, stubborn people when we want to be. We both like to be right and are a little self righteous. But maybe we weren't really compatible after all? Maybe it was a personality conflict. All I know is that I was would have done anything he asked and I helped him alot and sacrificed alot for him and in the end, he just tossed it all away like it meant nothing...

 

Prior to me, there was another woman that apparently turned into a stalker. He called her "psycho" and the whole thing always bothered me and he never wanted to talk about it much. Anyhoo, after wwe broke up and got back together, I told him (while talking in general) that women tend get emotionally attached to the men they have sex with and it can be hard for a woman to determine if they man is right for her after all because of the feelings of attachment, she might stay in the relationship when it is not that good of a match for her.

 

He never told me he loved me. I don't have an issue with that. But there were other things, his actions. Even the night before he reached for an held my hand. Nothing at all was wrong that evening until we went to bed...

 

In all honesty, things had not been going well. Last summer was perfect; we got along perfectly and beautifully. His friends commented that I was perfect for him and his sister thanked me for making him so happy. I think he bit off more than he could chew with me and building a home and got himself in a little deeper than he wanted financially. But in my mind, he knew what was coming. Why start something that you can't finish? It was a selfish act on his part.

 

I think the biggest tragedy here is that you may walk away from this and not learn. Ok, so let's assume that communication was his biggest problem. You actually dumped him last year because of it. For a man in his 40s, someone who asked to take it slow, why would you get back with him expecting a radical change in a short period?

 

I think it's a little bit problematic to say that he started something he couldn't finish when you were the one to leave him initially. I presume that you had gotten intimate before you broke up with him, but there were things about the relationship that drove you to leave. Same for him. Problems fester and bubble and being intimate with you didn't mean that he couldn't finish what he started; it meant that the negative outweighed the good and he had to leave it.

 

Sex and physical intimacy are very common in relationships, especially for those lasting more than six months. But many if not most relationships don't work out. IF you want to marry the person you have sex with, you need to make that clear upfront and then YOU need to avoid sex. If he was just using you, why stay for so long, why get back together, why try to take it slow. I actually think he cared quite a bit, but he reached a breaking point.

 

You say you did a lot for him, and what you wanted is communication. Relationships are tricky suckers because sometimes when you do for someone with the expectation of something in return, you are inviting more misery for yourself. People don't usually give you what you want, and when you begin to have the attitude that you deserve your perfect relationship because you are a giver, the other side loses some level of respect for you.

 

When he called you, he asked if you were still pouting. Yet at the same time, you said things were ok the night before. Clearly, they were not. And I suspect that he found a lot of very subtle ways to tell you that you were getting to him but he tried to hang on until he just reached a limit. So, no, I don't think it was sudden. Even you say it hadn't been good for a while.

 

Judging from your words, there is nothing he did to treat you poorly. He had a different level of communication from you. I'm curious about your past relationship patterns. You noticed getting out of a 25-year toxic friendship. I am wondering if you have a lot of toxic relationships in your life. At some point, you might need to consider that the common denominator here is you.

[uncomfynumb]

Ms. Darcy,

 

When I say be broke up because of communication issues, it was because he shut down on me. We didn't speak for a week. However he and I had already talked about and worked out that problem after we reconcilled. Or I thought we had.

 

Prior to that however, in the beginning of our relationship, we had talked about communication and how important it was. He felt like that was the demise of his marriage or part of it, that his ex wife let thing build up inside her. He told me to tell him at any time exactly how I felt and what I was thinking. I always did...

 

I am from the camp that two people can work through just about any issue, sans abuse or addiction, by sitting down and talking about it.

 

I didn't expect a radical change in a short period. I did however expect that this time around, we would be able to communicate better. Again, you are missing a lot of history. The house was the big issue and the root of a lot of whys and hows. He told me when it was done, that things would change but they didn't really. He still never communicated.

 

I think the fact that I am here with so many questions is a good example. If he had communicated with me clearly, had opened up to me and expressed his concerns, I don't feel that I would be here right now. And I wouldn't be angry with him. As I said in the email, he had plenty of opportunities to tell me if his heart was not in the relationship. Telling me that he wants to take things slowly is like saying "Im in but I am moving slowly." That is perfectly fine. If the issue was more than that and he eluded to things that were after the fact, why not communicate them before the breakup?

 

Things were ok the night before and the week before. Yes we fought but up until that point, things were fine. That is the problem that I have. I feel if everything was about our fight, which wasn't even a fight IMO, more like a spat that I didn't see as that big a deal, then why not express that?

 

I've had some good relationships and some bad relationships, mostly good. Nothing out of the ordinary. There are no patterns. Am I perfect? No one is. However I do expect from anyone that I am in any kind of relationship with to do the minimum of what they say they will do. We agreed on the communication and in the end, he did not keep his word.

 

Ms. Darcy, one thing that I am certain about it that this man doesn't make any rash decisions. He weighs everything out, I mean everything. The fact is that there were things that were bothering him that he didn't discuss with me. He was having second thoughts the week prior, probally much longer and he knew it but he carried on with me anyhow like nothing was wrong at all.

 

In retrospect, I avoided some obvious red and yellow flags. I take full responsibility for that.

[uncomfynumb]

"When he called you, he asked if you were still pouting. Yet at the same time, you said things were ok the night before. Clearly, they were not. And I suspect that he found a lot of very subtle ways to tell you that you were getting to him but he tried to hang on until he just reached a limit. So, no, I don't think it was sudden. Even you say it hadn't been good for a while."

 

You know what? "Subtle ways" do not cut it, especially when two people have agreed on direct communication and especially when the two people are older adults who know better.

 

I walked into his house the Tuesday prior and he did not say a word but put his arms around me and started groping me and kissing me. (I loved it btw!) Is that how you communicate to your partner that you have issues with her? The subtle hint would have been sexual withdrawal.

 

Please...

[Ms Darcy]

You've pretty much decided where his heart was, what he did wrong, and how he used you. I think it's very very hard to be in a relationship with a guy who struggles to communicate. Even for the ones who communicate well, it's still hard for them. I can actually see things from his perspective, because I had an ex just like him. When I reflected upon the relationship, I could see when he was withdrawing, when he felt stressed, when he felt shut down. It takes a lot of patience, a great deal of understanding in terms of body language, and a willingness to talk less and do things together more. It's giving him space to bring things up on his own. For every day we would hang out and I asked him nothing about his feelings, he would blurt out two or three deep thoughts on his own.

 

Not every woman is cut out for that kinda guy.

 

That personality isn't my preference. My current partner is much more communicative, but even then he doesn't want to talk everything through. And I think that's actually best - balance is key. I'm just not the aggressive type who feels like things are deserved or owed to me. I think that communication is earned through trust and patience and that seems to serve me well. What we seem to disagree on is that I think he did tell you about some growing concerns, which hadn't yet killed his desire for you. But what do I know?

 

In every response you have made it clear that he wasn't giving you what you wanted in communication. In the end, he told you that he couldn't give you what you wanted in terms of communication. Sounds like you two are finally on the same page.

[uncomfynumb]

Ms. Darcy if you and I started a friendship and in the beginning of that we talked and agreed that we would always communicate and not let things go, and then later on, I failed to live up to my end of the bargin, perhaps you might understand a bit more about how I feel.

 

You've implied that I am aggressive, lack patience, and hounded him about his feelings, none of which is true in regards to how I have conducted myself in this relationship.

 

"What we seem to disagree on is that I think he did tell you about some growing concerns, which hadn't yet killed his desire for you. But what do I know?

 

And which were those exactly?

 

I'll say since it was he that suggested that he might be able to give me what I want later, that to me, would mean one of two things Ms. Darcy. Either it was indeed him and not me with the issues or that he is dishonest and insincere.

 

Yes, he and I are on the same page now. And my feeling angry and hurt at the end of a relationship is normal. I'm thankful I have this forum to pour my thoughts out to. And I really am glad that I posted about this. I had almost talked myself into reaching out to him.

[Nailpolish]

I'll say since it was he that suggested that he might be able to give me what I want later, that to me, would mean one of two things Ms. Darcy. Either it was indeed him and not me with the issues or that he is dishonest and insincere.

 

Then if he suggested that he MIGHT be able... -shows that he was never sure of himself. I guess you were hopeful and he contributed to this by "leading " you on . I have put this is italics because I don't think he did this intentional or had ulterior motives when saying these things.

 

So , he never fulfilled his part of his committment when it came to communication even though he said so. Sometimes when we say things we mean it at the time and when it comes down to it , it is much harder than what we thought it would be. And hence we don't live up to our word or the expectations.

 

Anyway be that as it may - he could not give you what you wanted so there is no need for you to stick around and waste your time any longer with someone that does not fulfill your needs. Try not to let your anger consume you (I am not saying that it is ).

 

Did he answer the email you sent him at all?

[Ms Darcy]

I have made that agreement with friends and in past relationships - to always communicate. I did note that you said you think most anything can be worked out with communication. Communication doesn't mean that it will always work out. Sometimes saying that belies a deeper hope to avoid heartbreak, an ending, the reality that good communication doesn't always 'fix' everything. And it takes giving up a certain desire for control to accept that.

[uncomfynumb]

I don't think he did this intentionally either Nailpolish, or with ulterior motives and especially not out of spite or malice. He is certainly not that kind of person.

 

I think I held him in higher regard than other men, people in general and that is contributing even more to my disappointment. I'm not letting my anger consume me; in fact, I hardly feel anything anymore except for sad that it is what it is now. It is really helping me to talk about it. I started a new job and we broke up the week of it and I have not had time to reflect and work through my emotions.

 

"Did he answer the email you sent him at all?"

 

No, he did not. But he did answer the one that I sent to him prior (my apology for calling him a * * * * * , and he told me:

 

"Please do not e-mail me more if you expect me to reply because I probably will not and no I am not saying you expected me to reply this time. As I have told you before, if you want to talk just call."

 

He hates email...

 

Ms. Darcy:

 

Yes, I agree that most anything can be worked out with communication and it doesn't make me controlling as you "subltly" imply to think so nor does it imply that I believe that everything can be worked out this way.

 

Good grief!!!

[minou]

I don't think all differences can be worked out through communication, at least not in the sense of salvaging a relationship. Sometimes people just have enough of being asked for a way of being that is just not part of their style. Does sound like he didn't give you much of a warning that he was done, on the contrary. That must have felt like such a shock. Well, at least you know you did the best you could, right?

[Ms Darcy]

Ms. Darcy:

 

Yes, I agree that most anything can be worked out with communication and it doesn't make me controlling as you "subltly" imply to think so nor does it imply that I believe that everything can be worked out this way.

 

Good grief!!!

 

It doesn't really matter too much to me whether you think I am being subtle or implying something or not. Like I said, you make it clear that whether a or b, it was all his fault:

 

I'll say since it was he that suggested that he might be able to give me what I want later, that to me, would mean one of two things Ms. Darcy. Either it was indeed him and not me with the issues or that he is dishonest and insincere.

 

If the only responsibility you had was not staying broken up, well then there you go. Lesson learned. I think you are far beyond the time in life where one says, maybe I can do something different. Maybe I can be a little less stubborn or needing to be right. Shudder at the thought!

[uncomfynumb]

"It doesn't really matter too much to me whether you think I am being subtle or implying something or not. Like I said, you make it clear that whether a or b, it was all his fault"

 

Oh my damn...

 

Yes dear, it is his fault he broke up with me . And it is fault for not living up to his end of the bargin. Lastly, it is fault for continuing a relationship beyond the point that it needed to be. That was the reason for the thread, for my anger.

 

Nowhere and at any point did I mention that I was perfect in this. Even still, he told me the reason for the breakup was stress not because I did anything wrong. Didn't I already mention that already? There may be plenty of things that I don't know about that he could have communicated, mistakes I have made. I would love to hear them. I would love to feel guilt. I can handle that better than what I am feeling now. In fact, that might change my whole perspective. I can't make someone communicate with me. And in the end, this was his choice. And I am quite certain that he will regret it longer and faster than I do.

 

If anyone has a need to be right, I think it is you honey. You are most certainly projecting onto me.

[Ms Darcy]

If anyone has a need to be right, I think it is you honey. You are most certainly projecting onto me.

 

No, I have a need to be left.

[uncomfynumb]

I don't think all differences can be worked out through communication, at least not in the sense of salvaging a relationship. Sometimes people just have enough of being asked for a way of being that is just not part of their style. Does sound like he didn't give you much of a warning that he was done, on the contrary. That must have felt like such a shock. Well, at least you know you did the best you could, right?

 

minou,

 

The funny thing about the communication was that it was all his suggestion. Again as I mentioned previously, he thought it was all important. I suppose now he meant that it was important for me but not for him?

 

No, he didn't give me much of a warning at all. Now that you mention it, it makes me angry! Seriously, that might be why I am having a hard time and going back and forth. I've never had something end like this so abrubtly especially after we talked about it not too long before and had such a great week prior. That is what makes me think now that he was not completely sincere. Couple that with the male responses on my other thread about men wanting to remain friends or doing and saying certain things and it hurts.

 

I think I did the best I could although I am not doing as well this moment. I go back and forth with my emotions which is why I started this thread.

 

I do want to move past the anger and resentment though. I have been trying to put myself in his shoes but each time I do, I come up with the questions of "why" because I would have handled it so much differently.

[uncomfynumb]

No, I have a need to be left.

 

Ok, I am laughing now. That was cute and funny. My apologies to you. I have been on edge as of late.