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How many times have you been lying in bed knowing you need to go to sleep but you just can't. Images of your lost love dance in your head. The scenes are usually the good times you shared. We all have the alone time that our minds start to wander. We start to think about what I call the "What if" syndrome.

 

 

I'll explain.

 

 

When we are by ourselves, physically and emotionally, we tend to dwell on feeling sorry for ourselves. We look back on our ended r elationship and wonder what really went wrong. The biggest mistake anyone can make is NOT to realize what led up to the break up. The pain can be unbearable. Sometimes the pain can hurt more than a death of someone close because at least death is final. I believe its the not knowing that gets the best of us all. We try to block it out, or the even worse....dwelling on it. Our frineds are tired of hearing about it, your family says get over it because you will meet someone else. We don't want to move on. We tend to over-romaticize what we had...usually when it is too late.

 

 

When we have those lonely times, we tend to let our hearts wander and it usually gets us in trouble. "If I could only call her and hear her voice, she would listen". "If I show up at his door, he would let me in because I know he still loves me , he's just confused right now." Sound familiar? The worst is pick up the phone and spilling your guts and when you don't get your way, or you didn't hear what you thought you would, we tend to get angry. This is the worst feeling when you hurt so so much over a lost love the you tell yourself that the next time you see them or talk with your ex that you will claim your love for them. The conversation is tense and you lose your cool and say something out of hurt and end up pushing them further away as well as pushing yourself deeper into the dark, lonely place within ourselves.

 

 

Those who have never read my posts before, take heed. DO NOT ..I repeat DO NOT, make those mistakes that so many of us have make. Don't call, or make excuses to see, e-mail, text, them in any way. You feel terrible already. Multiply that times 2 and you have serious pain issues as well as self-esteem. When in doubt, remember this...just because you are at home alone hurting, it doesn't mean your ex is. If they broke up with you, give them alllllllllllllllll the space they need.

 

 

Forget the nonsense about "If I don' t contact them, they will forget all about me." That is not the truth whatsover. You want them to forget about you, don't call them or go by their house.....WARNING: I cannot express in words the feelings you will have in your heart or your head if you do this but it will hurt so much because they will look at you, possibly with wild abandon, thinking or even telling you to your face that you have lost your mind and they are GLAD they dumped you. DON'T DO IT!! Sometime, we just need a break...I don't mean a few hours or days..I mean weeks or possibly months. It's not easy to gauge really. The only thing ...

 

 

**LISTEN CAREFULLY**

 

 

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER IS YOU. NOTHING ELSE.

 

 

 

 

If you think for one moment, that you can change their mind with a poem, a gift, a proclimation of love or that you will change...it won't work. It is a cheap and desperate tactic that usually makes people feel sorry for you rather than wanting you back. Why would you want someone back after they told you to go away? Let them come to you....that way you know they are thinking of you and you are NOT making foolish mistakes. It is sooo hard. It is sooo hard to wait, wonder, or know they are already someone else. It is almost unbearable..but you will get through it. I speak from experience. I have made mistakes, I have pleaded before, I begged and said I changed....then I stopped. One day I simply stopped. I put myself in THEIR shoes instead of my own and said .."How Stupid and pathetic you must look to them." It's sad.

 

 

Stop what your doing and take advantage of your time....if you waste it, you cannot blame anyone else but yourself. You have the knowledge, the self-control, and the friends here at ENA to motivate you to a better you. Keep your chin up and realize that even though it may FEEL like the end of the world....but it isn't.

 

 

I promise you .

 

 

Love is a gift....love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful...

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

Edited by SuperDave71
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Ive always big a big fan of SuperDave71.

 

That was one of the best ones yet. Just what I needed to read today when I keep lapsing into wanting to contacting her.

 

Im still suffering after a 9 month relationship where I fell deep. Its only been month and a half and Im very very very very slowly imporving but its hell...it really is. Especially when they are with someone else.

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You have the knowledge, the self-control, and the friends here at theLoveLogic to motivate you to a better you. Keep your chin up and realize that even though it may FEEL like the end of the world....but it isn't.

 

You might want to change this to make it specific to ENA, rather than the other forum you wrote it for!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Great post. If they love you they will back - they won't forget you. But if it's not meant to be, no amount of declarations or demonstrations of affections will win their heart - it will only serve to make them feel manipulated and - like Dave says - sad for you. And I don't think any of us wants them pitying us.

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great post i needed to read this today. i still feel tho he has forget about me, was together 3 years, said horrid things when he left, i didnt do anything to cause him to say them, but he did anyways, i did nothing but love and support him through everything. I wished him well and he didnt even wish me happiness, its been 19 days of NC and he isnot botherd.

 

but at the same time i WONT be breakng NC i know this as i need to stick at it, your right you cant make someone love you and why wud you want someone to be with you because they felt sorry for you, i wouldnt

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Yeah and even if they come back, which probably is a big chance, I usually keep on being reminded on them using this way to play to get things done and I just don't like it.

I agree. I mean, it says a lot that they would even leave you in the first place. I'm not a big advocate of taking people back that leave you (even though I've done it).

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  • 1 month later...
  • 7 months later...
  • 2 months later...

 

 

Those who have never read my posts before, take heed. DO NOT ..I repeat DO NOT, make those mistakes that so many of us have make. Don't call, or make excuses to see, e-mail, text, them in any way. You feel terrible already. Multiply that times 2 and you have serious pain issues as well as self-esteem. When in doubt, remember this...just because you are at home alone hurting, it doesn't mean your ex is. If they broke up with you, give them alllllllllllllllll the space they need.

 

SuperDave71

 

It's hard when you know you still love them and they still love you and the relationship was only over because of my stupid jealousy. I want to contact him so bad but the relationship will only go back to me being a jealous freak again.

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  • 1 year later...

Superdave wrote -

 

Love is a gift....love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful...

 

 

Thanks for this. This got me through a rough patch yesterday. I am grappling with finding a way to let my ex go, while still loving her and still wanting her back. I am doing everything i need to be doing for myself (fortunately NC works for both!), but when feel so deeply that i still love her and can't simply stop, these words help me understand how i don't have to deny my love for her in order to let her go. I added a few lines that are important to me, and have been using each line to understand how to get through the hurt and pain.

 

Love is an action,

love is a gift...

 

love is patient,

love is honest,

love is kind,

love understands distraction,

love is not jealous, nor boastful...

 

 

Love is an action -

The way I have always loved my ex is to show her my love through my actions. Words are cheap. Before that took forms like making time for her, cooking her dinner, changing her oil, finding thoughtful gifts for special occasions, writing letters, and listening. It was doing for her what she needed and wanted without selfishness. This time is no different, though now what she needs is space and time. And just as before I may have preferred to, say, go out with my friends one night rather than making her soup when she was sick and grumpy, I need to be able to right now the way that she needs me to show her my love is by leaving her alone. She knows i'm dying to talk to her. She knows I'm dying to have her back. She knows that everyday i give her space I am doing it because of how much i love her.

 

 

Love is a gift -

Love is a gift given without the expectation or assumption that it will be returned to us in the same form that we gave it away. That's not how gifts work. Certainly over time, when that love is requited consistently, we become used to it, and even come to rely on it. It doesn't make it hurt any less when suddenly it isn't returned to us in the way we prefer, but we still need to understand that our love is something we give, and that's all we can do. I can still give my love to my ex, and giving her space and respecting her choice to leave me is the gift that i can give.

 

 

Love is patient -

Like you said SD (i think it was you...) love is not a microwave meal. It's made in a slow cooker for hours, with ingredients taken out, put in, stirred CONSTANTLY, and here's the kicker - it's never ready. Sure you can taste it, smell it, admire it, at times you can eat your fill, other times it's too hot or too cold, and you need to be patient enough to wait until you can try it again. You may never be able to try it again. With a little time and perspective, you might come to the realization that your actually glad you don't have to taste it anymore - you just conveniently forgot how many times you burned your tongue.

 

Sorry for the extended metaphor.

 

 

Love is honest -

Love can't exist without honesty. Honesty with yourself and honesty with your partner. Without the honesty my ex gave me throughout this process, i would never be able to truly let her go while still loving her. And if i'm not honest with myself during this process about my needs and desires, i will never be able to move on and live my life for me. I have been wondering how my feelings would change if i learned eventually that she had not been honest with me during this time. Would i still be able to love her? Would that make it easier or harder to let her go?

 

 

 

Love is kind -

Simple kindness and care. Not acting out in childish, petulant, spiteful, or hurtful ways. If you can't continue to act kindly (whether you are the dumpee or the dumper), then did you ever truly love them in the first place?

 

 

Love understands distraction -

This one is a little more specific to my situation, but i think it is important to include. It's happened to me in earlier relationships, and it's what happened to my ex. You know the story, you've been in a relationship for a while, it's starting to feel routine, a bit boring, predictable. Right around that time you might find yourself in a new situation, a new job, and new opportunity, new friends...and you are smitten. Not even just with a new person, though that usually follows, but with a whole new lifestyle and culture. A whole new world of opportunity. And your current partner isn't a part of it. They become a dead weight, pulling you out of this exciting new world, and unwilling or unable to fully be there with you. So you start looking at other potential partners in this new life, and dreaming of how great things would be with them. All your current troubles are gone, and you are convinced it will last forever.

 

You start to neglect your old life, your old friends, family, job and partner. They sense what's happening, resist, and you feel like they are holding you back. You pull away, sometimes aggressively, and make your decision that you are going to leave your old life for the shiny new green grass.

 

While i'm sure there are exceptions, it's been my experience that this new world cannot sustain itself. It doesn't exist. It's a fantasy. It is only a matter of time before the hollow reality of it enters your heart, and you realize what you've left behind. The person you thought was perfect for you, and would give you a better life turns out to be so different from you that you can't believe you ever even found them attractive. Your new 'friends' turn out to have many other, better friends, that they've had for far longer, and eventually you realize you aren't a priority for them because you are connected not to each other, but only to a lifestyle. In my life, this has been the point when i have ran home in tears, desperately grasping to cobble together your old life. Tearful apologies, pleadings that you were wrong. I have gone back to two different ex'es this way. They took me back - they loved me and understood what i had been through. They understood that people can get distracted, and they allowed me to let what i was going through run it's course. Unfortunately, I didn't understand. I came back to them out of fear. out of loneliness. I was scared. it was only a matter of time before i did it again.

 

Now that the tables have turned, it is my turn to understand what she is going through. To let her make her decisions, and respect where she is. I do think she will realize this new life is false. And i do think it will ring hollow in time. My task is to love her enough to understand that distraction has nothing to do with me. And if it turns out this new life is exactly what she is looking for, i need to love her enough to understand and to let her go.

 

 

Love is not jealous, nor boastful

The hardest for me. For me, it's helped to make a distinction between my love and my jealousy. I am jealous. It's almost impossible in this situation not to be. Her OG has become in my eyes the most handsome, charming, intelligent, and caring boyfriend in the world. He is the greatest lover she has ever known. All absolutely false assumptions, but it's natural for me to be hopelessly jealous. But i need to remember that my love for her, my real love for her, is happy for her. It wants her to be happy. And if being with someone else is what's making her happy, then that's what i want for her.

 

Just so long as she doesn't get boastful about it...

 

 

 

Love is an action,

love is a gift...

 

love is patient,

love is honest,

love is kind,

love understands distraction,

love is not jealous, nor boastful...

 

 

 

On a side note - after I went through all of these in regards to how i can still love her through this, i then went through and wondered if during our time together she, by these standards, ever really loved me.

 

 

 

She didn't score all that well.

 

Maybe i need to love myself a little more and realize that she just may not deserve me.

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  • 1 year later...

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