What should I do?

[Sweetjess1951]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now. I would say we have a really good relationship about 90% of the time. We compliment each other very well, we both love each other, we work together, etc etc. However, the other 10% is extremely stressful. I realize at my boyfriends age (23, 24 in July) that a serious commitment is the last things on their mind. I went through it with my last boyfriend. I just try to relax, do my own thing, and let him make the moves as far as the steps taken. For example, when he is ready to talk about moving in together, we can talk about it.

 

During this 10% he is very selfish, doesnt fill me in on things like him going out to the bar, kinda acts like he doesnt care, etc.

 

SO this past Monday after him breaking plans with me to have "ONLY GUYS ALLOWED" night, I told him I was breaking up with him, that I didnt know what else to do, that I dont care if he goes out with his friends or goes to the bar without me just as long as he says something along the lines of "babe, im headed to the bar, Ill ttyl". He looked like he was going to cry. I think reality set in that that 10% was really hurting our relationship and that I was no longer going to put up with it. After a long talk I told him I was going to give him another chance.

 

So after a WONDERFUL Valentines Day, we head to bed. I had started my period and had really bad cramps (lol TMI i know) and woke up at 5am to take some more advil. While I was downstairs my boyfriends phone vibrated saying he had a text. It was this girl that I expressed a concern about with him (not about him cheating) because she would come over to hang out with him and his friends at 1am. I told him I thought it was disrespectful on both their parts since he wouldnt like me going to a guys house to hang out at 1am. Anyways, some of the conversation had been deleted. I dont think hes cheating but I think shes still coming over late night to hang out/play beer pong, etc etc when I asked him not to do that.

 

When I brought it to his attention he got mad and was like "OK OK" "exactly what I need" "Im going to work now". He completely turned it on me like I did something when if he wasnt deleting texts like he was hiding something or lying there wouldnt be a problem.

 

What should I do? These texts didnt occur after the break up/serious talk we had so should he be held accountable for them?

[lonely rose]

As a woman, I understand your frustration when your guy gets a text message from another girl, especially at that time of the day. How do you know the text was from that girl, did you read it, or did he tell you? Guys don't like it when their gf act jealous, this is one thing I've noticed. Try to act confidently as if you don't feel threatened. If you don't trust him, however, then maybe you should break up with him. Trust is an essential part of every relationship.

Considering his age, I would not expect serious commitment, but I may be wrong, I do not know the guy. After all 10 months is a long time so you can say it's serious at this point. Good luck!

[natalie121687]

Yes he should be held accountable. I would be furious! Be stern with him, tell him you need him to tell you the 100% honest truth. Tell him your whole relationship depends on it and if something is going on with the girl and him he needs to fess up. Tell him you feel like he is lying to you and you can't base your relationship on lies and that you don't know if you can be with him if he is keeping things from you.

[Sweetjess1951]

As a woman, I understand your frustration when your guy gets a text message from another girl, especially at that time of the day. How do you know the text was from that girl, did you read it, or did he tell you? Guys don't like it when their gf act jealous, this is one thing I've noticed. Try to act confidently as if you don't feel threatened. If you don't trust him, however, then maybe you should break up with him. Trust is an essential part of every relationship.

Considering his age, I would not expect serious commitment, but I may be wrong, I do not know the guy. After all 10 months is a long time so you can say it's serious at this point. Good luck!

 

 

I actually read the text because his phone was going off at like 5am while I was downstairs taking advil. I was like "who in the world is texting him right now". I honestly dont feel like I CANT trust him AT ALL but obivously I should be able to trust him 110% of the time. Its hard not to say anything because I feel like it worries me to death if I keep it inside and I feel like I need him to know how I feel. At 10 months I would say its serious but when I mean serious Im saying I dont bring up anything even remotely close to engagement, marriage, living together, kids, etc etc. Ive learned from past experience not to.

 

I try my hardest not to be jealous. I am aware he has friends that are girls and Im completely fine with that. HOWEVER, lines need to be drawn. Girls dont need to be at his house that I am unaware of or coming over at 1am to hang out, even if they are just friends.

[Taikero]

This is all my opinion, but...

 

He isn't ready for a serious relationship with you, or at least doesn't view the relationship the way you do in any sense. He's good to you and nice to you but he's not ready to make any commitment in the slightest right now.

 

You're snooping and you don't trust him. Don't snoop and work on your trust issues with him as your first priority.

 

If you did trust him, having girls over at 1 A.M. wouldn't be an issue. You would trust him to do the right thing no matter what happened. You don't, so you take issue with it.

 

Granted, he could consider at least inviting you when he does this. If he already does do this, then I don't see the issue. If he doesn't, then you need to make it clear to him that you would like to occasionally come by when he has these late night hangouts to spend time with him while he's having fun.

 

 

I would leave the text alone unless you want a fight, especially if the text sent from her was harmless.

[Ms Darcy]

If he keeps getting texts from this girl and hanging out at 1am, would you be happy in this relationship? Either way, you need to talk to him about what you find unacceptable. I think you showed a lot of courage in being willing to walk away. You need to make yourself clear and give him some time to figure out what the relationship means to him.

[Just_14]

i understand how jealousy can kill any relationship no matter how strong the foundation is. i suggest, voice out in a nice way, not framing way about this and see what he says. Meanwhile, control youremotions and jealousy, stop snooping around, it is not right.

[Maya_A]

You said she hangs out with him & his friends? Maybe one of his friends likes her? Or maybe she is just simply "one of the gang" that always hang out together. If she is never there alone with him (that would be unacceptable) then I may be able to see it.

 

However, I wouldn't like her texting at 5 a.m.... Where your bf is in a relationship (with you) there needs to be certain respectful boundaries where friends of the opposite sex are concerned.

[soulsearchin25]

I do agree with others in saying that jealously and mistrust can definitely kill a relationship. not only that but it can turn you into a paranoid woman. And you dont want to always have in the back of your mind if he is doing something. But whats done so far is done and you have already read the messages. But a piece of advice from personal experience:

If he is deleting peices of the conversation there are obviously things that he doesnt want kept around. Why would he delete just certain things and not others? theres a reason for this. And you may not like it. Whatever he deleted he wanted it to be for his eyes only. And two was his defensive behavior when you confronted him. now granted he could have just been mad to know that you invaded his privacy. However at some poiint you guys are gonna have to talk about it. Apologize for invading his privacy by going through his phone. but express that you have concerns ove the situation. He should be willing to at least talk to you about it. If you have a "gut" feeling that something is amiss don't ignore it. Defensiveness can sometimes be a way to make you feel bad because he knows that deep down you may be hitting a littel too close to home.

 

I know some people may not agree with me. But this has happened to me. Inappropraite texts at odd times. And when i would ask he would get defensive and try to turn it on me like I should trust him more. Then he actually let me see his phone. And I could clearly tell that there were parts of the conversation that were deleted. It just didnt make sense. I felt something was wrong. And he steadily tried to convince me otherwise. But after the problem still persisted I took matters into my own hands. I checked his phone before he had a chance to delete things and found flirt messages and really inappropriate conversations on his phone. Turns out my bad feelings were true. No I know that my snooping was inappropriate. I felt really bad. I felt even worse that his constant lies had turned into one of those paranoid women and i stooped to checking his phone. It ended after that I have not gone back to ever checking a boyfriends things cause it doesnt feel good to feel like you dont trust the other person. But one thing I learned is sometimes when something doesn't seem right and you have a feeling its usually for a reason.

 

Now im not saying that he is guilty or your situation is the same as mine. But just be careful. The one in the relationship here is you. And you have to ask yourself if you can reallly trust him. And the scary thing about trusting someone else is that you have to have faith that they will not abuse that trust.