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Broody but not in a good place- advice?


BellaStranger

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Slowly... over the past few months... maybe a year... I havent really noticed it creeping up on me till now... I have become really broody and recently, when a close friend gave birth to her baby girl, my previously dormant maternal instinct kicked in to full gear!!

 

The thing is that I am no where near being in the right place right now to have a baby. My boyfriend and I have only been together just over a year and things really arent good between us at the moment- definitly not a relationship to bring a child into, we're not married, we are living in rented accommodation- so no security of having our own home, I have a job I love but it doesnt pay a huge amount yet and if I want to progress in the company then having time off for a baby now isnt a good idea- so although I would definitely go back to work, I would probably be stuck at this level forever!

 

I guess, the thing is, I thought I'd be settled by now (I'm 25) and have all these things under control and I dont, so I'm starting to panic a bit... I've got years ahead of me before I'm gonna be able to stop and have kids and who's to say there will ever be a good time, or a good relationship, or that we'll have enough money and security... and I also always thought I'd have children before I was 30... I know it sounds silly but I dont want to be an older parent!!

 

I know I have to wait till things are more settled- particuarly within my relationship- but this NEED is so strong, I've never experienced anything like it... it's like a constant anxiety at the back of my head. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been here... if they have any advice on how to stay sane???

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First, recognize that there are lots of things in life you may want RIGHT NOW that you can't have, so you need to remind yourself you can't afford a Rolls Royce either but you don't lose sleep about it.

 

If now is the wrong time to have a child, then don't allow yourself to daydream about it or indulge those thoughts a lot. You have to convince yourself it is just NOT a good thing right now, rather than mentally always thinking 'maybe now?'... If you really make that decision of not now, then you can let it go.

 

The other thing to think about is really look at whether the real problem is you are wasting time with a boyfriend who really isn't right for you. Sometimes people get these strong urges to have a baby when really the problem is they want to compensate for problems and emotional lacks in their romantic relationships, so they start thinking about a baby and an ideal family etc.

 

If these problems with your boyfriend are serious, focus on them instead of dreaming of a baby. Really, the baby dreams are just a distraction and keep you from dealing openly with the real issues in your life right now.

 

Why aren't things good between you?

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The other thing to think about is really look at whether the real problem is you are wasting time with a boyfriend who really isn't right for you. Sometimes people get these strong urges to have a baby when really the problem is they want to compensate for problems and emotional lacks in their romantic relationships, so they start thinking about a baby and an ideal family etc.

 

This is probably the nail on the head! I feel like I am wasting time and treading water in life and this feeling of lost time is what is panicing me and I'm focusing it all on to the baby thing.

 

My boyfriend and I fight a lot and over the last 6 months it has been escalating to the point of being very viscious and then in the past month probably totally dropped off into apathy. Now, things I would have argued my point over, I just look at him and think 'god, I just don't even care anymore'... sad thing is, he said he thinks things are getting better between us... I haven't told him that this is clearly because he is getting 100% what he wants and I'm miserable because I'm getting nothing and I just can't be bothered to argue any more. I have also become attached, emotionally, to someone else recently... someone unavailable... which I am working hard on putting a stop to... but it doesnt take away that that desire for someone else was there.

 

I think this baby thing is part of the reason I'm still with him though... this is the first time I'm articulating this feeling... so sorry if it doesnt make sense... but it's almost like... somewhere in the back of my head I'm weighing up the chances and the possible timescale of things improving with him so I can have a family against the chances of breaking up, emotionally recovering, meeting someone else, forming a stable relationship with them and having a baby before I'm 30. I'm weird aren't I?

 

And I KNOW 25 is still young but when I look at my relationship with my mum and then compare it accross the board with my friends- WITHOUT ONE EXCEPTION- every single one of my friends that has a truly good and close relationship with their mum has a mum no more than 27 years older than them. My mum was 39 when I was born and although she's brilliant and I love her, I wouldnt say we are close.

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