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Getting over an intense fling


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I am not proud, married and got involved with another married woman. We were both unhappy in our marriages and had an intense emotional and physical connection for several months.

 

We told each other we loved each other and even spoke about being together.

 

I wasn't emotionally mature for it at times. I never thought she'd leave him based on how she described him and their issues.

 

She ended up going back to husband saying she couldn't breakup the family, etc. She stayed in contact for a while (often initiated) and not so much any longer, which is probably good.

 

The physical was amazing, better than anything I ever had with wife.

 

Hard part if trying not to be too influenced by that and comparing it to current situation. I'll never be happy again if that is how I think about it.

 

Any advice on getting past this?

 

 

Thanks

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An affair is very exciting, like any new love, and it is really unfair to compare the feeling of excitement one gets from a new infatuation with that you feel for a longstanding partner.

 

New love is always more exciting, but will eventually fade to the same level as any mature love does.

 

To keep a long marriage exciting, you do have to work at keeping the excitment there, and do fun things together with your wife to spice it up.

 

My suggestion would be to try to plan some fun/exciting things with your wife, and also if you can, to get some personal counseling to help you thru getting over the affair. but you do have to actively put the other woman out of your mind, and might practice thought stopping techniques (google thought stopping) to get control of thinking about her and put her in the past.

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Thanks. Challenge when I think of wife is why did this happen, why did I fall in love and why was I willing to leave everything for this other person. How do you get past that?

 

Also, other person got to that final stage and stayed with husband even though she told me she would leave him no matter what. I once said sometime we have these encounters and it drives you back to your spouse in a better place and she always said no matter what happened with us it was over with him. amazing i guess.

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You have dug yourself a hole. Unless you can realize what you have (your wife/family) you won't ever be satisfied.

 

In other words, you might have to lose your family before you realize how much it means to you.

 

not very appealing. i can't compare as when i do that I'll never get past it, but possibly can find happiness with wife.

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Sadly, lovers may promise all kinds of things, then reality sets in.

 

She might have been afraid of losing custody of the kids to her husband if the affair was found out, or of losing financial security, or the respect of her friends and family. Most people do actually chicken out when it comes to leaving their marriage for an affair partner, and they don't do it, because the things they will lose or destroy by doing it are too great, so they balk and don't do it.

 

She might have been sincere at the time she said it, but then thought about it more and realized she couldn't do it.

 

And there are plenty of people who enjoy the excitement of an affair, but when it comes right down to threatening the marriage, they end the affair, wait awhile, then go looking for another affair with someone else, repeating the pattern again and again. THey truly don't want to end the marriage, just spice up their lives.

 

So she may have been telling the truth (at that particular moment) or not, but the bottom line is she balked and it's over, so if i were you, i wouldn't look back. She almost destroyed your marriage (as you almost did too), and at the last minute chose to save herself and her family rather than you, so don't forget that... Your own wife is loyal to you, so put your time and effort into spicing that marriage up, or into deciding that marriage is dead and you need to leave it to find a new (available) partner.

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Thanks, great advice here. Makes sense. She said that she could never stay with him no matter what. So partially I'd have more respect for her if she left him and even if she didn't want to leave for me. Just be your own person.

 

I think she is submissive to him and it was always a matter of waiting for him start loving her again. She used me to feel good about herself and that maybe all the stuff he did wasn't about her. She was selfish and is able to live with it it sounds.

 

Maybe I should be happy for her or at least her kids that her family is intact.

 

just need to move past it. can't compare to my current situation or i'll never be happy. the intensity and passion was off the charts. I was happy with her and thinking of her, that is the hard part.

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You keep talking about your affair partner, trying to make sense of why she went back and who she is as a person within her marriage. I don't see any mention of your own wife...why she suddenly became "boring" to you...understanding her as a person, understanding who you are as a person and why you strayed. You can't get over it because you keep analyzing your mistress rather than your wife. Why is your marriage unhappy? What can you and your wife do to make it better? Does your wife know you have been cheating on her? Have you been having sex with your wife and then having sex with your mistress? Have you been tested for STDs? Are you sure your mistress isn't pregnant? Time for you to focus on fixing your marriage or leaving the marriage. There is more to life than sex...great sex doesn't necessarily mean a great relationship.

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Yes, issues with partner haven't changed. Same reasons i was unhappy are still here and if anything this made it much worse because it put a magnifying glass onto it. Not sure we can recover or if i want too. just need to get this fling behind me first somehow.

 

Jealous and mad that fling partner is back happy with the spouse and i was her therapy. Regret the whole thing on many levels and all the emotional fallout. I never thought she'd leave spouse, so my fault i got emotionally attached and was played.

 

live and learn as they say, but not easy. have to try those thought stopping techniques.

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